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Mil and some issues

(41 Posts)
SharonCurley Wed 13-Nov-13 18:33:00

It was dds birthday recently and they had a little party in preschool.Mil brings her to preschool as I work.She told me during the week that dd would need to bring in a cake-nothing special-just buy a cheap one in the supermarket.So the day before I went to the supermarket but thought that the cream on them wouldn't be fresh the next day so would go the next morning before work.Anyway the in store bakery wasn't open so I rang Mil and asked would she get one on her way.This was no problem.I see now from the photos that she baked one and brought it up but told me she just bought a 'cheap one'.Feel a bit funny that she lied about it.Also at sports day she told me that parents needn't come.I could have taken an hour off.Anyway turns out the parents did go.Am I over thinking this.Being a bit pfb and should just be more grateful,

bunchoffives Thu 14-Nov-13 19:20:43

This is turning into cakegate. grin

Giggle, the reason I ask about your relationship with your MIL is because you seem resolute on interpreting this in the meanest, nastiest way possible.

Believe it or not a lot of DGMs, whilst they enjoy their DGCs, have a life of their own and don't want to takeover their DIL's role or look after their GC constantly. In fact most GPs I know still work.

Do you know how many years I've had sports days to go to? Over 30! Believe me when I say the attraction can pall a little grin <yawn>

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 21:04:50

bunch i am in no way interpreting this is 'in the meanest nastiest way possible'. I am being REALISTIC and going off what info OP has given.

Sure,plenty of DGMs are made of sugar n spice n all that's nice...and there are plenty who are NOT.

It's very easy to use a working parents guilt to your own advantage-be that guilt over having to go to work or taking time off work to attend to things. Hence why i suggested OP liaise with dc school herself and decide for herself rather than relying on mil to keep her informed.

It wouldn't turn in to cakegate if you understood and accepted that everyone is an allowed an opinion on an open public forum...that you can disagree with an opinion without trying to turn it into a personal attack....and that you are no more knowledgable about OP's situation than any other stranger on MN.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 21:07:00

Wow! Were you there at the time mynew??!!! grin

NumptyNameChange Thu 14-Nov-13 21:12:23

not much point you two arguing about it.

either one of you may be right or it may be a mix of the two.

Kandypane Thu 14-Nov-13 22:26:20

Without actual evidence I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

bunchoffives Thu 14-Nov-13 23:06:05

Exactly, Kandy I think it's much nicer to give people the benefit of the doubt when there is one. Sadly there are often occasions when it is clear people are trying to be horrible. I don't think this is one of those occasions from the OP.

Giggle, did I say you were mean and nasty? NO

I said it was the meanest and nastiest interpretation of OP's MIL's actions. So NOT a personal attack at all... in fact exactly what you refer to: an opinion on an open public forum...that you can disagree with smile

gigglestar Fri 15-Nov-13 11:15:03

If you read my posts properly you will see i have given her the benefit of the doubt.....and my interpretation is in no way the 'meanest and nastiest possible' - you're exhibiting a hysterical over reaction!

I know exactly what you're doing bunch and your pathetic pa games don't wash with me.

It seems you have a problem with anyone who states a viewpoint different to yours,you obviously don't understand what it means to 'respect' anothers viewpoint because you're determined to take issue with it. You don't personally know the mil so you have NO IDEA of what she is like.

I find your reaction rather funny grin

Kandypane Fri 15-Nov-13 19:07:39

Jeeez, give it a rest giggle. Everyone, especially you (repeatedly) have had their say. YOU are the one over-reacting and, frankly, being ridiculous.

expects reactionary rant of a post in reply, which will be ignored

dozeydoris Fri 15-Nov-13 19:34:29

Believe it or not a lot of DGMs, whilst they enjoy their DGCs, have a life of their own and don't want to takeover their DIL's role or look after their GC constantly

This, inadvertently, answers the problem imo. This DMIL, albeit kind and well-meaning, I could bet doesnt have a busy life, and helping with DGD is filling it. Plus, she doesn't want OP to feel DMIL is taking over, or possibly, to be a bit more generous, doesn't want busy working OP to feel guilty for not being at things so doesn't mention the cake and discourages her from sports day.

gigglestar Fri 15-Nov-13 21:09:42

kandy passive aggressive much?! I'm merely replying to someone choosing to nitpick on my comments. Got a problem with me replying? hmm

bunchoffives Sat 16-Nov-13 11:45:51

Giggle what do you understand passive aggression to be out of interest?

Are you okay? You do sound a bit upset?

gigglestar Sat 16-Nov-13 16:40:02

I'm not upset in the least....just find it funny that you would take exception to my post and try turning it into an argument and try slating me at the same time grin

Sounds like you're the ones with a bee in your bonnet for getting antsy over a post that doesn't share your opinion.

So immature.

Ginga66 Wed 20-Nov-13 23:05:08

Sorry but this does sound like subtle manipulation to me. My MIL is the same. She knows I hate missing kids whilst working and dh knows it too but when I am not there she always inviting herself around to 'help' when actually DH should be managing if I am at work and use her sparingly. I don't work so my kids can be brought up by MIL! And to give a similar example I went out for ONE hr and when I came back she told me that my one year old had walked for the FIRST time! I mean even if he had she would know how I would hate to miss that and lied. My DM and I say my first son walk for the first time but didn't tell DH as we knew he would desperately want to see it. It is passive aggressive behaviour . It's saying look at me I am the granny who bakes the cake that mummy cldnt even get around to buying. Grandparents get to make up for a lot of mistakes. And live out a little fantasy that they are the parents? Don't get me wrong my MIL and DM are amazing help and my boys adore them but they are not the mommy and they need to respect boundaries. My mother does and follows my instructions but MIL often ignores what DH and I say and he is too scared of her to stand up to her and I think sometimes wants her around so he has an easier time which of course is fine in small doses but if they start taking over its anothe issu.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 21-Nov-13 00:08:23

I agree with Ginga and giggle.
Sharon, imho, all you need to do now is keep an ear out for any comment from mil about you missing the first sports day, or any sideways remark alluding to the fact that you failed to provide the birthday cake. (Mil makng the cake may be a red herring, but I get that you question the dynamic.) These kinds of comments will be shaming you, and you will then have the correct perspective validated.

gotthemoononastick Thu 21-Nov-13 13:33:06

This gels is why it is better to sort out you childcare with strangers,rather than Mil.

Manipulative old bags all!Imagine baking a cake and being so used to treading on egg shells that you have to lie!!

Mapleissweet Thu 21-Nov-13 13:42:21

It is very difficult to relinquish control when mother's work, particularly when the children are young or babies. Gp need to appreciate that although the DM is working, she still needs to be aware of absolutely everything that happens on her absence. Things like sports day etc. To deny the DM that information us unnecessary and cruel. Particularly when the DM is working to provide a quality of life for the children.
Working mothers do miss out on things and it appropriate and necessary that those who care for the children in the DM absence consider the DM feelings and needs too. I think many gm have absolutely no idea what it's like to leave children and go to work to pay the bills. They lived a different life compared to most mothers today. The gm has had her turn at being mom and she shouldn't deny her dil the pleasures if being a mom herself.

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