Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My wife just had an affair

(654 Posts)
Upsethusband Tue 12-Nov-13 14:33:04

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p****.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

WellTidy Wed 03-Jun-15 11:57:23

I know Bogey. Must learn to check the date.

Bogeyface Wed 03-Jun-15 11:48:11

I did the same well and then spotted the spam right at the very end angry

WellTidy Wed 03-Jun-15 11:33:07

Oh FFS. This is a zombie thread. I have spent twenty minutes reading it.

wednesdayblues Wed 03-Jun-15 11:11:01

So sorry to hear this. It's a horrible shock isn't it, my stbxh had an affair too.
Who looks after the kids?
I chucked my ex out after he finally admitted it, but that meant he went to her. I should have left him with kids whilst I went to friends or family. if you are in a mess that will not help your kids and you need space to think. Don't feel you should know what you want straight away though.
It does get better though, I promise, even though its sh*t. Good luck

Mmbop Wed 03-Jun-15 01:03:27

tens this is a zombie post I think.

tensmumtensmum Wed 03-Jun-15 00:33:54

Sorry to hear this.
Get rid of her. You'll never be able to trust her-what kind of relationship will that be? She's already shown you the selfish creep that she is. You'll eventually hate yourself if you stay with this pig.
Better to hurt now and have time to heal while you're still young, than waste a life with a ho.

Bogeyface Sat 30-May-15 13:12:45

Posts above reported

tanialstrong Sat 30-May-15 12:45:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tanialstrong Sat 30-May-15 12:42:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aegeansky Wed 02-Apr-14 00:02:25

Fella, I'm a guy. I'm so, so, sorry for you. This is just horrific. You know they have a sexual thing going on, don't you? You just don't send those kinds of pictures otherwise. And I'm with everyone on the significance of throwing the phone in the river.

Bottom line, can you ever trust her again? The wedding betrayal is game-changing for me. There is a level of calculation and smugness that is really, really hurtful, as you already know. This is very, very hard.

She has hurt you as much as it is possible to hurt someone. Do you think you can respect her after this? Do you think she is showing you respect?

This is such a traumatic situation that you need to look after your own emotional health first. Take time out. Make some arrangements for your children so they can see you both, but you can't stay living under the same roof.

If you decide to stay with her, it will have to be that you are entirely sure she will never do this again. You can't have sex with her worrying about what else she might be up to. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about.

Kudos to you for having the courage to post this.

skyeskyeskye Tue 01-Apr-14 23:20:39

Previous three posts reported ....

kattie334 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:17:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kattie334 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:16:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kattie334 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:15:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fluffyraggies Wed 20-Nov-13 19:41:28

Sending you all the best upset. You sound as if you really have had an epiphany.

I hope things work out well for you x

skyeskyeskye Wed 20-Nov-13 18:40:43

Good luck for Friday upset. Wise move to step away from MN for a few days. I hope that Relate gives you and your wife something to work with. You both need to be totally honest with the counsellor and each other. I begged XH to go to Relate after he walked out but he said that there was "no point".

You don't owe us anything, but as hissy said, we will be here for you if you want to talk things through with random strangers on the internet smile

Fairenuff Wed 20-Nov-13 16:33:00

Oh, and don't worry, you won't 'clog up' mumsnet, it's bigger than it looks tardis

Hissy Wed 20-Nov-13 15:19:39

Whatever you decide Upset we'll be here for you, if you need to talk stuff through, feel free, if not, that's OK too.

We'll all be thinking of you and hoping everything works out for the best for you.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 09:45:23

You don't "owe an update", OP. If posting here helps in any way, people are always glad to (try to) help. If it isn't going to be helpful, then everyone will understand if you want to step away. I really, really hope Relate is constructive, and that whatever the future holds works out for all your family in the best possible way. And to back up the previous poster, you do sound a lovely man. I hope a lot of happiness lies ahead of you, even if it feels distant right now.

Upsethusband Wed 20-Nov-13 08:28:51

Thanks MrsCorre

Also thanks everyone, I don't want to keep clogging up Mumsnet. Friday is relate and we have a lot to discuss and figure out. I'm not sure if this is a short or lengthy process.

I have really appreciated all the support. Once I have got through this I am happy to come back and share my thoughts but out of respect to the situation I think it is only right I deal with this now with my wife before I make it public (even though this kind of isn't really public).

MrsCorre Tue 19-Nov-13 14:48:12

Upsethusband, can I just say after scanning your comments and hearing about the tough time you have been having that I really respect the way you have handled things. You sound like such a lovely man. Sometimes even the most perfect of relationships just don't last it's something we have to accept and move on from. Your priorities are correct...your children come first and foremost. 6 weeks before my wedding last year I discovered my dad had been having an affair (he and my mother were married 32 years and blissfully happy as far as everyone including my mum were concerned). Affairs are devastating and picking my mum up off the floor in tears was not something I would ever like to relive. My mum kept her dignity though and my respect for her knows no boundaries with the way she has calmly handled everything. In my opinion You are also so right about the wedding vows meaning more than a physical affair in my opinion. Once the trust is broken in a relationship it's pretty much impossible to rebuild. I love my husband as I love my children and would never, ever want to hurt him...(just give him a kick up the backside now and again lol). I'm sorry your wife didn't realise how lovely her life was (at least from what you have explained anyway?!) and now it sounds like it may be too broken to fix which seems sad :0( xxx

perfectstorm Tue 19-Nov-13 08:31:51
LibraryBook Tue 19-Nov-13 08:28:45

Can somebody link to the book you're all talking about?

iFad Mon 18-Nov-13 23:23:20

appalling...

iFad Mon 18-Nov-13 23:22:01

I haven't read the book. One thing that appauls me about affairs is just how much it affects the injured party. I imagine that the first thing they do is look to themselves and ask why me, what is it about me that the other person felt they needed to go elsewhere? From what I read here from you experienced people and snippets of the book, it seems that it is not about the cheated on partner at all, although in the aftermath blame is shifted to them to make the cheater less to blame. The pain and injury to the other party for me is one of the worst parts of this. You wouldn't physically attack your partner and put them in hospital would you? The devastation to someones self esteem that an affair causes I imagine is just as bad and more long term. If this book shows more clarity on this and makes the injured partner see it was not their fault, I'm really glad of it.

From the last few posts of the OP it does seem that he has shifted from forgiveness of lovely his wife to something else. I am also interested to know, but of course he has no obligation to share with us as it is his business.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now