Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
My wife just had an affair(662 Posts)
Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.
Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p****.
I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.
She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.
They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.
There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.
I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.
I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.
I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.
I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.
If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.
If anyone's just read this there's an update thread called 'I couldn't go on'
Basically he ended it and she moved out.
From a male perspective
Boils down do you both want the marriage to last?
Trust needs to be rebuilt and that will take a long time
1. Move house away from her boss i.e. next city - Job impact etc
2. If she is serious it has finished, ask her to change jobs - Removes temptation
3. Ask her why it happened
Failing that, see a lawyer and ask her to give you some breathing space
lostforword5 - really sorry for your situation and it would be helpful for you to open your own thread, otherwise you'll get lost in 'upsethusband' thread. But have a look at my advice to him and see if any of it chimes with you. Trust is very easily broken, but can be surprisingly resilient given hope.
Lost it would be better to start your own thread. People are going to read this thread and not realise you have asked for help at the end.
Do you think she is sorry? Do you believe it was only a bit of a kiss etc when her friends knew all about it and she was planning on introducing your DC to his?
You need a complete STI test and so does she.
She needs to spend a long time proving she is honestly sorry before you can rebuild any trust.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
UPSETHUSBAND - I really feel for you but the trouble is you love the girl. Don't listen to those who advise you there's no way back - it's not true. You know you love the girl. She's been all the things they all say - deceitful, unfaithful, stupid - but you love the girl. Ask her "Why" and "Why him" and "Why not me?" And listen to her but DON'T JUDGE! Judging will harden your heart - and you do love the girl. Marriage changes you from being an independent bloke who can please himself, to being half of a pair. I know you've been together for yonks, but that's as individuals. Now you're half a pair. I know she still behaved badly, as if she were single, that what she may have or have not got up to was not the action of a loving wife, but you love the girl. You both need each others shoulders to cry on, you for being betrayed, she for betraying you. My advice is put it behind the two of you (that'll take a magnanimous effort for you both), and rebuild what has been damaged (but not destroyed), because YOU LOVE THE GIRL!
PS It'll help you both if you tell her, honestly, that you love her.
They have had sex...she threw her phone in the river to stop you from finding out. You will be ok you won't ever forgive her or trust her again. Keep all your dignity and concentrate on your and your children's happiness for the future not hers.if you didn't find out it would have continued. Hurts like hell at first you do get over it though trust me
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I know Bogey. Must learn to check the date.
I did the same well and then spotted the spam right at the very end
Oh FFS. This is a zombie thread. I have spent twenty minutes reading it.
So sorry to hear this. It's a horrible shock isn't it, my stbxh had an affair too.
Who looks after the kids?
I chucked my ex out after he finally admitted it, but that meant he went to her. I should have left him with kids whilst I went to friends or family. if you are in a mess that will not help your kids and you need space to think. Don't feel you should know what you want straight away though.
It does get better though, I promise, even though its sh*t. Good luck
tens this is a zombie post I think.
Sorry to hear this.
Get rid of her. You'll never be able to trust her-what kind of relationship will that be? She's already shown you the selfish creep that she is. You'll eventually hate yourself if you stay with this pig.
Better to hurt now and have time to heal while you're still young, than waste a life with a ho.
Fella, I'm a guy. I'm so, so, sorry for you. This is just horrific. You know they have a sexual thing going on, don't you? You just don't send those kinds of pictures otherwise. And I'm with everyone on the significance of throwing the phone in the river.
Bottom line, can you ever trust her again? The wedding betrayal is game-changing for me. There is a level of calculation and smugness that is really, really hurtful, as you already know. This is very, very hard.
She has hurt you as much as it is possible to hurt someone. Do you think you can respect her after this? Do you think she is showing you respect?
This is such a traumatic situation that you need to look after your own emotional health first. Take time out. Make some arrangements for your children so they can see you both, but you can't stay living under the same roof.
If you decide to stay with her, it will have to be that you are entirely sure she will never do this again. You can't have sex with her worrying about what else she might be up to. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about.
Kudos to you for having the courage to post this.
Previous three posts reported ....
Sending you all the best upset. You sound as if you really have had an epiphany.
I hope things work out well for you x
Good luck for Friday upset. Wise move to step away from MN for a few days. I hope that Relate gives you and your wife something to work with. You both need to be totally honest with the counsellor and each other. I begged XH to go to Relate after he walked out but he said that there was "no point".
You don't owe us anything, but as hissy said, we will be here for you if you want to talk things through with random strangers on the internet
Oh, and don't worry, you won't 'clog up' mumsnet, it's bigger than it looks
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.