Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My wife just had an affair(645 Posts)
Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.
Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p****.
I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.
She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.
They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.
There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.
I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.
I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.
I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.
I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.
If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.
Does she seem sorry? The fact that she threw her phone in the river rather than let you go through it is not a good sign that it was 'only' an emotional affair. Is her boss also married?
I don't want to advise you to do anything as I don't think it's right to mess with people lives, however personally if my partner didn't seem particularly sorry or contrite I can't see how I would forgive them.
Of course you can post here
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You must be in pieces you poor man
And I'm sorry to pile more onto your shoulders but you know that they have had sex don't you? These are two people who send naked pictures to each other and spend the night together in hotel rooms. Do you honestky think that they haven't had sex?
To be honest though, does that really matter? The lies, deceit, unfaithfullness is all there
I thinkyou need some time apart so that you can think and try and get your head straight
Once again, I'm so sorry
I'm sorry you're in this depressing situation and that you've had such a nasty shock. I am very dubious that there was 'no sex'. First it was 'sent by mistake', then 'just kissing, then 'groping'.... fairly classic lies from a cheat, unfortunately, and there's invariably more they're not telling you. If you hadn't found out by accident, it would still be going in full swing. Expect that's already occurred to you.
In your shoes I would not be leaving. Instead tell your DW to exit herself from your family for a while so that you can get your head round it all and work out what you'd like to do next.
I am so, so sorry to read this! I don't have great advice to share, but it is definitely OK for men to post here.... and I know from reading here that the advice given to women is to LTB and really show him what he's giving up, and don't take him back unless he really works hard, consistently over time, to show remorse and change his behavior. So maybe you can change the pronouns and use the advice yourself? Also - you can be a wonderful father to your Cs without sharing a home with their mother. Again, I'm so sorry. Your pain really shows in your post, and no one deserves this!
I also think they have dtd - you don't go to the trouble and expense of booking a hotel room for a snog.
Sorry you are going through this.
FWIW, I firmly believe that couples can come back from infidelity, but they both need to want to.
What Cogito said. Do not leave, you have done nothing wrong. Ask your wife for space so you can think and decide whether you want to remain in this marriage (personally, there's no way I would). Any impact on the kids will be of her causing, not yours, even if you decide to divorce. She doesn't respect you or her family and never will.
I hate to be the first to say it but ALL cheaters minimise. FACT!
So they can say it was no sex but I don't believe them and don't think you do either.
This is currently a huge shock for you and you need time for it to sink in and decide what you want. And you can only do that away from her.
Is she primary carer for the kids?
If so then you will probably need to move out for a while.
If it's both of you then ask her to leave for a while so you can get some head space and think about what you want from life.
I know when my exH cheated I was going to try. He said something and I just basically could not get over the fact he had been seeing someone else. The deceit the dishonesty etc.... I found after saying I could, that I actually couldn't forgive.
Get some space and figure out what YOU want.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Loads of us on here know exactly what you are going through.
As above. There was probably sex and the affair is probably still going on. The throwing the phone in the river said it all.
Regardless though, the lies, deceit and infidelity would be enough for most people and it's up to you to decide if you can forgive that (considering they were probably still at it before and after your wedding).
I'd be out of there like a shot, but only you can decide what is best for you and whether you stay or leave.
Seriously, ask her to leave for a bit.
What's the position with house/jobs/kids?
If you're SAHD there's no reason you should leave, FWIW, and also no reason why she shouldn't end up paying support.
Phone in the river?
Sorry, OM, she's at it.
X-post - soooo, not the first.
And don't fall into the trap of 'hysterical bonding' (google it).
So many of us do this and it doesn't help a tiny little bit.
One thing I have learnt from posters here is that the 'sex' is irrelevant in a way.. She is a liar. You have been lied to whether they shagged or not. Focus on that as the truth will out eventually. Lying and cheating in whatever form is a deal breaker for me. The fact she threw her phone away says all you need to know, black and white 'evidence' won't change it just hurt you more.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Really sorry this has happened to you op
From your wife's actions I would say it's probably as bad as it can get. They've obviously had sex but getting her to admit it will be difficult so I wouldn't even bother. You'll never be able to trust her and you will live the rest of your marriage looking over your shoulder.
Time to make some choices I'm afraid buddy
Phone-river-game over, I'm afraid. It tells you it all. She is having an affair with him and I'm with the others, they've had sex.
I really drew breath when you told me that he was at the wedding. That realisation must have really hurt.
As far as your wife is concerned, she is the one who needs to be making all the moves towards reconciliation if that's what she wants. She isn't doing that which speaks volumes. I'd be taking legal advice if I were you.
Is he also married?
I couldn't continue a relationship in these circumstances.
The advice is the same for a man ora woman.
Thank you all so much for the considered responses. So they have never stayed in a hotel room together, they have talked about booking one when I am away in December for work and next year. The only time they both stayed at a hotel was separate rooms when other work colleagues stayed there.
Both appear to tell exactly the same story, flirting gone to far, fantasy by text and that they don't know how far it would have gone.
At the moment I feel really sorry for her, I went home to end it last night but her uncontrollable crying destroyed me. I also found her trying to take an overdose of pills but I feel she wanted me to catch her doing this.
I have gone through different emotions from wanting to ruin his life to today coming to the realisation that a whole bunch of this is my fault. I am not perfect, I have a good career and the life and soul of the party, she has to live in my shadow and this is her excitement.
Her remorse is not fake, I have never seen anyone upset like this and it is breaking me apart. I am so scared for her and the kids if I decide to separate.
The worse thing is we have been together for 11 years, we are / were perfect together, so happy and I don't think I will ever meet someone like her again. By punishing her with separation I might be punishing myself for the rest of my life...
...but I can't get the thoughts out of my head, my thoughts of them in a car park snogging and groping each other. My thoughts of them sending pictures to each other. My thoughts of them discussing a future together. My thoughts of our wedding day, her telling me her vows with him in the room knowing the secret.
I am broken, heartbroken, destroyed. She is the love of my life and my world but I don't know how life can ever be the same again...with her...or without her.
A separation at this stage would not be as a punishment. You can't get the thoughts out of your head. That's why you need the space to breathe and think, in order to get past the initial shock reaction. She may well be remorseful but it really doesn't help you to think clearly if she's threatening suicide, sobbing loudly and other essentially manipulative stuff. If you try to carry on as if nothing has happened, you will make yourself ill. If you suppress your anger and hurt because you feel sorry for her, it will re-emerge a little further down the track and the resentment at how you've been treated will be overwhelming.
BTW... even if you book 'separate rooms' in a hotel, they have corridors.
I'm sorry, but what you have just described in your last post describes my husband's reaction exactly.
It's not remorse she's feeling. It's humiliation, shame and embarrassment. She's worried about what her friends/family/the neighbours are going to think about her. She's worried about losing the security of home with you.
My stbxh had a breakdown when his affair came out, 7 months on he's still on ADs and receiving CBT to help him deal with how his affair has made him feel about himself.
He begged me to give him another chance.
She doesn't deserve your pity. This isn't a one off thing, this is something calculated and planned and she knows exactly what she has been doing, and she knew what the risks were whilst she was doing it. She isn't sorry that she did it, she's sorry that she's been caught.
She doesn't deserve you. It's not your fault. Even if you're not perfect (and no one is).
Oh yes, and my stbxh also threatened suicide. Or rather he kept telling me how concerned the GP was about the state of his mental health and were worried he might "do something stupid".
All designed to manipulate and exonerate.
UpsetHusband - your wife throwing her phone away really doesn't tie in with her saying it never went beyond fantasy. And they could quite easily have already agreed what the 'story' would be if discovered, so just because they say the same thing doesn't make it fact. Her uncontrollable crying could be more about the fact that she's been found out and she is more concerned about things coming crashing down around her - you might throw her out, her kids may hate her later in life, the other man might not want anything to do with her etc etc.
How far it went - and I still maintain it has gone further than they are admitting - is merely the tip of an iceberg. They did this to you behind your back, clearly neither of them giving a damn about you or your children, even around the time of your own WEDDING.
Please take Cogito's advice. Ask your wife to leave the family home, spend some time thinking things over and looking after your children.
Sorry for what you are going through.
As others say, I don't think this is true remorse. She is (to quote Rhett Butler) "like a thief who is not sorry he stole, but who is terribly sorry he is going to jail."
As yourself - what was she like just before you found out. Was she "crying uncontrollably" over how she was deceiving you? Thought not.
Shes not crying for what she did for you, shes crying for herself, because shes selfish, she wasnt thinking of you or your family, she was thinking about herself.
They had sex, she can deny and so can he but they did, they had plenty of chances, cheaters take the chance.
Balloon has it right, if she werent crying before you found out, then those tears arent for you.
I am really sorry for your situation OP. My ex also claimed that his affair hadn't been sexual and they had only kissed once. And all those nights he didn't come home was because he fell asleep at work. Oh and the second mobile phone he hid from me was an oversight, he needed it for work ( he worked for himself) oh it went on and on. He killed any chance of getting through that by lies. I couldn't believe the amen out of his mouth.
Anyway, your wife's distress is entirely of her own engineering. The phone in the river is entirely to prevent you from discovering the truth.
Follow Cogito's advice and good luck.
Oh OP your post made me cry - I'm so sorry you're going through this, and of course you're very welcome here (I'll let you into a secret, I'm a woman but I'm not a Mum, but I've had so much support here)
My married sister is having an affair, has been for the last 6 months. She was eventually forced into telling her husband - so she told him that she 'met someone last weekend' and had feelings for him. Sadly, it was then down to his friends to tell him the real truth.
I think, from reading similar threads here, that most cheaters minimize their confession to the least they can get away with. So if she knows you know about the texts, she can admit that but insist nothing else happens. IF it was true that they had only texted, and nothing else had happened, I would have thought she would want to show you her phone to prove her story. The fact that she threw it away speaks volumes.
He was at your wedding. That alone is so utterly disrespectful of you and your feelings.
I agree with Cogito - take some time for yourself, allow yourself to feel angry and hurt. You don't have to make any decisions about your future just yet, leave that for a bit until you both calm down a bit. Nothing is over yet, so don't worry about that for now. Your priority right now is to make you feel better so you're better able to deal with what is to come.
And keep coming back here - everyone is very supportive, you will get some excellent advice here.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
They have had sex.
She's sorry she was caught.
I would think she did want you to catch her taking those pills.
She has treated you very, very badly.
I don't know what to advise, if it were my dh, I don't think I'd be able to forgive and forget this level of deceit. I think maybe you should ask her to move out as others have said, to give you some space and time to think.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.