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"You'll never find anyone with two children"

(104 Posts)
NickysMam Mon 11-Nov-13 23:48:40

Said soon to be exH.

I posted a thread (or was it a reply?) that I left H when I was 17 weeks pregnant with my 2 year old DS due to emotional and physical abuse.

So I'm pregnant with DC2 and naturally we talk but only to do with DS and the pregnancy.

Today out of nowhere, he said on the phone "well, I'm laughing because I know for a fact that you'll never find anyone with two children. No man would go there, so enjoy the single life! And don't think you can crawl back to me either *hangs up*"

I will admit, I felt like absolute shit. I've never really thought about it as it's too soon after leaving but the fact may still remain.

Am I really destined to a life of loneliness (well not really I have my beautiful children, but you know what I mean)?

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:12:49

He's 26 longjane and I'm 22

BlameItOnTheBogey Tue 12-Nov-13 00:13:10

What he means is that you won't find anyone like him. Which by the sounds of it is a really good thing.

My sister found the most amazing man ever with two very small kids in tow. He's super handsome, really kind and has been the best father the children could ever have wanted (the birth father disappeared off into the sunset). The kids are now at uni and he and my sister have one of the best relationships of any couple I know.

KissesBreakingWave Tue 12-Nov-13 00:13:59

Pfft. DGF has two littluns. Far too early days for me to have met 'em yet, but what manner of pillock would I have to be with three grown offspring of my own to be ruling out possible partners due to the number of kids they had?

Arrant nonsense.

Unless they were really ugly, or smelt, or were Young Conservatives or something.

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:17:20

Fantastic smile You have your whole life ahead of you! Concentrate on you, concentrate on DC, leave him to float around in the shit soup he's created. In fact I wouldn't even bother talking to him unless it's very businesslike, to make arrangements for DC1 or sort out practical things for DC2.

EHoneybadger Tue 12-Nov-13 00:18:02

No, he is wrong. Very wrong.

So many women go on to have deeply loving, fulfilled relationships with any number of children and any amount of baggage.

What will make you vulnerable is any feeling of inadequacy or low self esteem. Do not let him chip away at your boundaries or your values and DO NOT compromise on what you need or deserve just because he has made you afraid with his horrible words.

I am speaking from painful (and wonderful) experience. I have gone through some horrid relationships because I was afraid I couldn't do better. It was only when I started to value myself I finally found a good one. I am now in a lovely relationship and very happy but only after a lot of heartache.

You know all the stuff about being on your own, liking yourself? Well, news flash, it is right but I didn't understand it for years. What I finally realised is it means get yourself to a place where you are not afraid to walk away. Walk away from anything. Even the most romantic, connected, floaty love affair you have ever had if it suddenly stops and you feel confused and unhappy you need to be brave enough to walk away. It doesn't mean don't try, it just means stop trying if you are being taking for an idiot.

Sorry, I don't think I am explaining that very well. I think basically what I am trying to say is you will not be on your own. There are lots of lovely men brave, loving and capable enough to take on a family (some with children of their own so you might have to do done compromising and accommodating too). There are also some nasty predators who will take advantage of somebody who is a little fragile emotionally. Often the nastier ones can be totally adorable early on then suddenly change and leave you chasing after the dream they spun you and making you feel like it is your fault it has disappeared.

Look for the good ones and try always to be brave enough to walk away from the ones where it isn't working. You don't need to know why or whose fault, just walk.

Sorry, I hope this isn't TOO rambley, it is what I wish somebody had told me years ago. It may not be at all relevant to you so feel free to ignore.

I really hope everything works out and you find somebody lovely. smile

Rubbish! He KNOWS you will find better. Sad and mean man you got rid of there. Say nothing, don't rise to it and carry on making your life better. A happy life is the best revenge.

I had similar, hidden behind false, sickly sympathy.

He called round one day (one of those who would never agree to set times for contact) about 2 years (and three girlfriends) later to find me getting ready to go out, my kids at friends for the night. The look on his face and the stutter in his voice when he realised I was going on a date. And not a first date. And I was being picked up (so if he didn't mind could he make himself scarce, if that wasn't to much trouble)
When I was picked up an hour later (by my now lovely DH) he was still parked up down the street. Weirdo.

I was 32 when we split, 2 preteen boys and thought that was it. I was sooo wrong. The 2 years I was single I forged the start of a good career, lost weight, made a strong circle of friends and gained so much confidence that he had sapped out of me. The rest was icing.

Ps, that was 15 years ago. And I still remember how sweet it was smile

EHoneybadger Tue 12-Nov-13 00:22:53

Ha, took me ages to type that and now I have read back it is obvious you are light years ahead of where I was back then already.

You'll be fine. Your children are really lucky to have such a together mum. Agree with everything everybody else has written too. smile

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:25:57

Thank you Berstiespotts, I shall continue to do that.

Ehoney thank you so much for that, it's definitely made me realise something also (why I held on to the marriage for so long). You're definitely right.

I really do appreciate all your responses and advice!!

I didn't expect to hear this many positive stories if I'm honest, but I'm so glad I asked otherwise ExH words would've haunted me for a very long time and maybe I would've just 'taken what I was given' because 'thank God, someone is interested in me!'

CanucksoontobeinLondon Tue 12-Nov-13 00:28:36

That's bull. I have several friends who were once single mothers but are now happily married or partnered to delightful new guys (plus one single mother friend who is now happily married to a delightful new woman, but I digress). You may meet someone who likes kids, you may meet someone who already has kids of his own, but you are definitely not going to be a dating pariah just because you have two kids.

All that said, I would caution against launching into a rebound relationship too soon. You just split up from this asshole 5 weeks ago (excellent decision, by the way!). Spend some time as a single woman getting acquainted with yourself. Enjoy spending time with your wonderful DC (and the one to come). A new relationship can come later, and will probably be stronger if you're secure and self-confident when you start it.

bragmatic Tue 12-Nov-13 00:32:32

What he means is, you'll never find anyone like him.

Win:Win.

ViviDeBeauvoir Tue 12-Nov-13 00:38:10

If you ever needed any proof you are better off without him then this is it!
What an arsehole.
Obviously anyone with children will never have another relationship except all the thousands of people who currently are hmm

longjane Tue 12-Nov-13 00:39:05

Not many young girl parents will be happy to let kids go out with father of 2 .

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:42:10

Lol, long. My DP's mum expressly forbade him from dating me. He said "Thanks for your opinion" and totally ignored her. He was 23! You don't have to listen to who your parents deem suitable for you to date at 23!

She still doesn't like me grin but as I said to him at the time, I'm not in a relationship with her, am I? I'm in one with him.

elskovs Tue 12-Nov-13 00:48:18

What a bastard. Absolutely better off single than with him!
Course you will meet a partner. Lots of divorced men with kids out there. Don't expect a new daddy though... Most men I know aren't interested in bringing up another mans kids, besides they have a dad already.

Good luck.

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:55:45

Well, sort of elskovs, but OP, although it is far far in the future and not something you need to think about now, when you do feel up to dating, remember that anybody entering into a relationship with you is potentially entering into a relationship with your DC as well, and although they won't replace your DC's father, if, eventually, the relationship progresses to living together, he will be a big part of their lives. So although you wouldn't want to introduce them too early, be wary of someone who seems iffy about "another man's kids" or doesn't show interest in your DC after you've started to get to know them a bit. (It's a hard balance - too much curiosity too early can be creepy, not enough is a red flag!) - you want to look for early signs that they are committed and interested not only in getting to know you and being together with you, but getting to know and being a part of your family (eventually) as well.

flameprincess Tue 12-Nov-13 01:02:02

Haven't read everyone's posts, but yes, he's talking absolute shit. I myself am not with my son's father and I know a hell of a lot of women with more than one child who are in happy relationships and not with their original partners.

He said what he did as more of a statement to convince himself as well as bringing you down. All you need think about is your two lovely DCs and remember this is just the beginning of your new life without that bastard wink

McRoo Tue 12-Nov-13 01:23:38

He's being a dick.

Don't listen to him. It's not true what he's saying.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 01:42:44

Utter bollocks. He needs to worry on his own behalf, being a violent abuser and all - what a catch! hmm

I would try not to speak to him if you can help it. Maybe if managing a phone call with DS but I wouldn't discuss the pregnancy or anything else about the future with him at all. He'll only try to upset you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 06:52:55

Repeating some of what has already been said.

1. He is your ex for a reason. He is an abusive person. He deliberately wants to hurt you. No more cosy chats where he gets to stick the knife in, therefore. Keep your distance and communicate only about essentials via e-mail
2. Two children is no barrier to having a lasting relationship with someone else
3. You don't need a man in your life or your DCs' life in order to be a complete and worthwhile individual. Get your confidence back, get your self-esteem back, be happy in your skin, then see if you want to share that skin with someone else.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 12-Nov-13 06:53:10

Nice that he views his kids as a problem or burden..... Lovely man.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 06:53:19

Please tell me this Fucker isn't attending the birth of your baby.

Iris445 Tue 12-Nov-13 07:03:41

I think that having children takes the pressure off finding a man when you are a certain age.

Times not ticking, you can be much more choosy and you will be as you have dc to consider.

My response would be "well I'd rarther be single than have you, so it's good if I meet someone and good if I don't!"

Having a man is not what makes you happy. Not having a crap man is!

OneMoreChap Tue 12-Nov-13 07:58:48

Sounds like he is a) a bit of a dick and b) worried he's not going to find a relationship.

One of my siblings is recently divorced and is playing the field a bit. There aren't "loadsa women" without children once you reach a reasonable age, because a lot of them have some past, which includes previous relationships (like him, and kids, like him).

As an aside, it also means it is obvious your "biological clock" (horrid phrase) isn't driving you to find a father for a baby, so you'd be looking for a partner for you...

After taking a few years to be single, become who I really should have been all along an amazing man managed to fall in love with me and my two children (7 & 9 at the time). Now I'm married to someone who I can have a healthy fulfilling relationship with and I really appreciate every second of it thanks to my ex! You have all this to look forward to.

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