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online hook ups how can I protect myself and stay safe

(42 Posts)
yummytummy Mon 11-Nov-13 17:48:33

Ok so recently come out of a long term nasty relationship. Have been trying to discover who I am and am exploring this friends with benefits thing.

Have met a guy online and want to meet him.its quite clear we just want a hook up. But am a little worried as he has specified what he wants me to wear and high heels etc. Is that controlling or sexy?

Also will meet in a public place but what else should I be careful of and how do I stop feeling so naughty. Its so out of character for me but I want to explore new things and people

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 17:53:35

It's awful. Tell him to pay a prostitute.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 17:54:35

You can explore new things and new people without completely abandoning your self-respect. hmm You're in grave danger of heading straight back into another nasty experience, sorry.

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 17:55:08

If you're just out of a nasty relationship I'm not sure random hook-ups from the net is the way to go. (Not making any moral judgement about it - just that it's not massively safe, and you'll meet some awful men..)

Could you not just do normal dating?

birdybear Mon 11-Nov-13 17:57:04

does this not ring alarm bells with you? !

yummytummy Mon 11-Nov-13 17:58:21

Ok deep down it did seem a bit dodgy but my boundaries are so blurred anyway am used to being controlled so thats normal for me. Plus it seemed exciting. Didnt think of normal dating as wanted a more mainly physical thing

yummytummy Mon 11-Nov-13 18:00:08

Alarm bells turned off as have been abused for ages dont know what normal is. He is just so tempting and offering the love and lust I am craving

CailinDana Mon 11-Nov-13 18:00:17

Meeting up with someone you don't know or trust is not sensible. Stick to meeting people in safe situations and getting to know them first before hooking up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 18:00:20

Offering yourself up as a cheap fuck is not a physical thing, it is a foolish and very risky thing. Work on your self-esteem first.

That sounds very controlling ,not a way to start off a new relationship.

ArtVandelay Mon 11-Nov-13 18:01:32

No experience of this but it sounds a bit hardcore for someone whos just got out of a LTR whether it was abusive or not.

I think to have successful, beneficial 'just for sex' type relationships you have to have your head screwed on properly and have strong boundaries otherwise bad things can happen.

Im not saying hooking up is a bad thing - but it is risky physically and emotionally if you arent used to it and you are a bit fragile. Maybe give it a few months and concentrate on making new friends of both sexes before you get so heavy.

Fwiw - chap sounds like a creep.

ArtVandelay Mon 11-Nov-13 18:03:10

Aah, you just said 'love - that you crave'. Forget it - you are no way ready for this.

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 18:13:41

He's not offering you any love whatsoever. Lust, that's it.

And if you crave love, then random hook-ups, friends with benefits situations will make you unhappy.

AndTwoBits Mon 11-Nov-13 18:17:07

He's not offering love and he's not offering friendship. Avoid this man!

yummytummy Mon 11-Nov-13 18:18:47

I knew mn would help me here

U are all right I know I am not ready for this intensity right now. Its just I have struggled alone for so long with no affection that the tiniest bit of attention even though ill advised and nasty is welcomed.

I will extract myself from this and try and build myself back up.

Thankyou for all being voice of reason I need people to tell me what is and isnt appropriate in relationships as I just dont know anymore

Loopyloulu Mon 11-Nov-13 18:21:35

If you just want sex pay for a male escort- might be safer and less of a head fuck than these men.

You seem to be confusing lust with love. How on earth can he be offering love on the one hand , telling you what to wear on the other, and you make it clear you are simply looking for sex?

You need to be honest with yourself. Your posts are contradictory- if you are looking for love then hook ups with guys online who just want sex is not the answer, is it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 18:27:19

Anyone can get lonely. It's no crime. But if you want affection and love, start by getting yourself out there, making some friends and meeting people. If you need to scratch a sexual itch, scratch it safely. Carefully rebuild your confidence, keep your standards high and others - male as well as female - will respond to that. Good luck

Yummy, I see nothing wrong with FWBs arrangements...but ONLY if you are in an emotionally strong place. You really need to be mentally up together to cope with the sex without attachment that comes with FWB; regardless of how the man dresses it up, never confuse sex with love. I would strongly recommend you do not go down that route at the moment. Take some time out to nurture yourself before getting into a relationship, whatever the type. And for what it's worth, if a potential fuck buddy asked me to wear something specific for him I would refuse and consider it strike one. I will wear what I bloody well like.

Concentrateonthegood Mon 11-Nov-13 19:57:35

I did this a few years ago. I'd been single for so long, I just wanted to get back in the saddle as it were so did a bit of hooking up. Met a few nice people, three of which I continued to see just for sex (not all at the same time....).

I always took control of the meet, hotel room etc but I did have a bad experience which was the last time I met up with a new person. Nothing bad but he did get verbal. Decided I'd had a good run and left it at that. Lucky escape!

Just be careful and if you have any doubts about them at all, don't meet them. I did have a doubt about the last one but I dismissed it. It's not for everyone and some people on here would be shocked and judgemental but it increased my sexual confidence and it was the right thing for me. I actually found that most of my meets were in need of a bit of love and affection as opposed to swinging from the chandeliers so worked both ways.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 20:04:21

Had you just left a long and abusive relationship Conentrateonthegood? You see, 'shocked and judgemental' sort of paints the responses as being of the knee-jerk Mary Whitehouse repressed variety.... and I can't help think you're missing the point.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 20:17:03

Sex with strangers is a risky business in terms of your health and safety. You put yourself in a situation where you are physically very vulnerable and removed from the public eye (hopefully wink) which means help isn't easily available if you need it. Combine that with the staggering number of sexual assaults experienced by women every year and you really do need your wits about you to spot the predators out there who prey on the naive and vulnerable.

Which isn't to say there is anything wrong with NSA sex or a ONS. It's just sex. There is no moral weight attached to it (unless you're religious); it's simply a biological function that happens to be very enjoyable when done right.

But IMO the only people who enjoy regular casual sex are the well sorted - those who know themselves well, have excellent boundaries, command respect even from those who will never see them again, and can spot the predators coming a mile off.

yummytummy Mon 11-Nov-13 21:00:04

Its true I definitely have to strengthen myself first before going down that path. If I sense something is not right I should trust my instincts and yes I think this particular guy is a bit dodgy.

In a way I guess its just knowing maybe that option is there in the future once I have established myself as a person alone

Its just very very difficult to adapt to being a single parent and the mind crushing loneliness. The pain is immense even though the relationship wasnt right and I am really struggling to deal with it. But granted now I see casual hook ups are not the answer for now

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 21:21:42

Sex isn't a cure for loneliness unless it's used as a means of expressing caring emotions, which it certainly can be but TBH is not really likely in a casual hookup.

The only cure for loneliness is to be content with your own company and to have positive relationships (not necessarily romantic) with others. Strengthening your friendships and taking up some new interests would be the best course of action for you until you are a little less vulnerable I think.

Hope you feel better soon. smile

Concentrateonthegood Mon 11-Nov-13 21:22:46

Cogito, Not just, but many years before. I can only speak for myself and of my own experience. As I said, not for everyone, it it was a solution for me.

perfectstorm Mon 11-Nov-13 21:28:39

Honestly, even if he weren't likely to be an abusive arse (which this sounds) you'd quite likely end up feeling far lonelier than ever, afterwards. I think you'd do a lot better with some erotic fiction (NOT 50 Shades, or anything else that apparently glamorises control and abuse) and a decent vibrator. Nothing wrong with wanting your sexual needs met, but that's a safer option in every sense - and one where you are in complete control, which while you're so vulnerable seems sensible. Blood in the water attracts sharks, unfortunately.

You're clearly intelligent and articulate so I'd think about what you like doing, then find a group for it. Baking? Clandestine Cake Clubs. Reading? Local book club. And so on. You'll meet friends there, and also have a far higher chance of meeting someone interested in you as a person, not just a set of orifices.

It is hard after a relationship breaks down, especially for single parents, no matter how crappy the situation was. I think maybe the best way to tackle that aspect is a single parents' group. Lots of people in the same situation, and that's often a shortcut to friendship as well.

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