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Relationship is in the process of ending because of my low sex drive!!

(71 Posts)
Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:38:48

Hello all,
Been with my partner 3 year is December and have a 1.10 year old together and I'm 16 weeks pregnant with our second. We have had a very rocky relationship,
He has been very twaty in the past however we have gotten over it and tried to carry on. Although this baby was planned and were actively trying, since being pg I have totally lost my sex drive! Dp has a very high sex drive and has now said he can't carry on like this... Basically leaving me! We have tried the going to a hotel for the weekend and it was all lovely until the sex and it was awful its like I hate him when it's happening and afterwards I went in the bathroom and cried! I can have all the intentions of having sex but when it comes to It I feel awkward, stupid and definitely not in the mood! sad sorry for long post! X

SkateLife Mon 11-Nov-13 14:44:07

Is your sex drive normal when you're not pregnant?

If he wants to leave you because you have a low sex drive while you're pregnant, then he's not worth keeping.

Lweji Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:31

Many women reject their husbands when pregnant.
My mother often comments that she couldn't stand my father's odour.

If he wants to leave you already after a few weeks of you not feeling like sex, he's not good for you. Sorry. sad

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:58

While a compatible sex drive is important for a relationship to work long-term any reasonable bloke can accept that things like pregnancy, illness and broken nights can cause it to dry up.

And only a creep would want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to. sad

Lweji Mon 11-Nov-13 14:48:34

It sounds a bit like he's trying to force you to have sex, or else he'll leave. Tell him he can go, if that's how he feels. Seriously.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:49:37

It's so difficult when sex drives aren't compatible. I've had a number of periods in my relationship where he has a higher sex drive, or I do.

We've discovered that we see sex differently. I see it as something we do when I feel close to him. He sees it as something he feels he want to do to connect when we aren't close and feels rejected or like he's being unreasonable or abnormal if he doesn't think I might be up for it so that can't be nice. I don't think this is unusual.

So, you can try to talk it through and make sense of it and explain that your lack of drive isn't because you don't want to be close. See what he says, he may think lack of sex means you don't love him or want him anymore.

Given your reactions to sex whilst you were both away he must feel like a sex pest or rapist and I can't begin to imagine how badly he must feel. I feel sorry for the both of you.

If this is worth saving you need to get help together.

SkateLife Mon 11-Nov-13 14:49:53

Sorry, just reread that it's a pregnant thing.

Honestly he should be bonding with you and your unborn child, keeping you well and making you feel secure. Not threatening to leave you because you don't want to have sex. I really feel for you, he's being horrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 14:50:27

Good grief... this man has hidden shallows, doesn't he? hmm I do hope you told him to go and not bang the door on the way out. You said he's been 'twatty' in the past and the relationship is 'rocky'. Chances are there's nothing wrong with your libido. You're just with completely the wrong person.

Madlizzy Mon 11-Nov-13 14:50:41

He still sounds twatty, love. You're hating the sex because you're being coerced into it when you don't want to do it. If he wants to leave, then let him, because if he threatens to go over this, he's not a keeper. Any normal bloke would take matters into his own hands, so to speak.

Jan45 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:51:48

What a complete creep, demanding sex or he's off when you're pregnant with his 2nd child - could he be any less considerate, you should be telling him bye bye.

EdithWeston Mon 11-Nov-13 14:52:54

You say that your relationship was already rocky. I suspect that is the root cause, rather than a hiatus in your sex life during pg.

Is he really preparing to leave, does he go in for throwing round ultimatums?

And, most importantly, what do you think of the wider state of your relationship? Do you want a future with this man?

Branleuse Mon 11-Nov-13 14:54:58

youre well rid. Wow

Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:55:58

Erm no sex drive has gotten wear since first born I used to be mad for it and I can't even say the words cuz it feels weird but since being pg it's now nonexistent! And yes he said he feels unloved and that its all him! He said that if I met someone else I would get all those feelings back and wouldn't have any problem with sex so it's a just because its him when I keep telling him is not that I don't w at sex with anyone!!! I just don't know what to do! I'd love to get help but doctors won't do anything and actually sexual help costs a bomb I'm betting so what else is there?! X

Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:56:44

Gotten worse*

Lweji Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:45

Sorry, just to clarify, is it just since this pregnancy or the previous one?

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:58:40

What a horrible situation.

He's not forcing himself on you then? He'd wants to love you and you want to love him and try and then realise it was a mistake?

Lweji Mon 11-Nov-13 14:59:36

How did you deal with it in your first pregnancy?

How exactly was he being a twat in the past? How did you get over it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 15:00:27

Oh ffs.... it's all 'me me me' with this one isn't it? What he's doing is bombarding you with guilt-trippy questions designed to get the response that you love him so much you'll do it anyway. hmm It's high pressure tactics and it's pretty crappy. You only knew him a year or so before you had the first. How do you know you wouldn't have gone off him by now anyway? (The 'twatty him') If you didn't have kids with him and you felt this way would you be blaming yourself? Would you even be sticking around?

Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 15:03:15

Yes I want to love him and be intimate and he's tried for ages to do things to make me feel comfortable and to 'want' it. But it just doesn't work! I do not want it!!! And if I wrote what he's done in the past you would all say leave him anyway because it really has been awful and I spose when I say I've gotten over it I have just 'forgiven' him and carried on. Sex drive was awesome in last pregnancy but since her birth I'd say its gone down hill! X

Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 15:05:18

And I guess if we didn't have kids together then no we wouldn't be together if I'm honest but I do really want to make it work for all of us x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 15:08:56

Go on... try us. What did he do in the past and how much crap have you had to put up with (in just three short years!) in order to cling on to a relationship with this selfish man?

Mummabear12 Mon 11-Nov-13 15:13:57

I know I should of left when the first thing happened but I feel like I've made my bed now I have to lie in it! I've said I can forgive him and shouldn't hold it against him else it will never work so now I'm too far in to just leave! Look I know I sound stupid so please don't be harsh but it's not as simple as to just say leave and don't look back if it was I would have already done it! hmm

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 15:14:11

So he's doing all he can to make you feel comfortable and want it. He's not forcing the issue. He's feeling unloved. He's just seen you feel dreadful because of something you wanted to try but didn't want to finish. I just see someone who wants to be close to to and you wanting to do the sand but with some sort of mental block.

I know I'm very much in the minority here but I've gone through similar, but because of lack of self confidence and not in a rocky relationship or confused by hormones either.

If you really love him and want to be with him for the rest of your lives then I'd suggest that you both visit your GP together. He needs to know you love him and are trying to fix things. He also needs up know how best to help because I can't imagine how he could ever feel confident with wanting to have sex again after making you cry and that you hate him for it.

So, is it worth saving? If so there's a lot to overcome and I'm not sure you could do it without help.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 15:15:09

X posted. Need to type faster!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 15:19:33

You've 'made your bed'? You know it's perfectly OK to want to forgive someone but then find out you can't. You can have the best of intentions but, if it's not working out, there's no obligation to carry on keep making the same mistake.

My feeling is that this terrible thing you tried to forgive and forget is still at the back of your mind, has not gone away, and is causing you to find him repulsive... And it's so bad that you can't even tell a bunch of strangers what it is.

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