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I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

(184 Posts)
Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 13:55:22

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

Pagwatch Mon 11-Nov-13 16:05:20

Yes - it isn't that he forgot one little thing is it.

It's that you do everything inthe morning and the one time you ask him to do one thing to help, it is so far out of his 'not my problem' attitude that he doesn't do it.

Fenton Mon 11-Nov-13 16:25:55

I think I get it, - if it was just about one look, one stomp off you wouldn't feel this way and there wouldn't be a thread.

OP, husband leaves for work at about 6.45, bins are collected at 7.30 onwards, - if he forgets to drag them out as he leaves he phones me to say 'sorry, I just remembered as I got to the end of the road, too late to go back'

And I say 'grr' and pull on clothes to go and do it.

By 7.55am neither of us will give it a second thought.

That's the difference, - a big deal is being made over 'it' and I don't think that's all down to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 16:27:30

He just reminds me of every nasty little no-neck arse that gets aggressive because someone 'looked at me in a funny way'... hmm

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 18:32:49

I infer that the bin was symbolic of his doing something around the house, which he may think of as entirely the OP's responsibility.

Maybe he's too good for bins and housework generally...

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 18:38:41

in general, men who get aggressive about being given a "dirty look" tend to be the type who think women's work is beneath them

Mrscropper Mon 11-Nov-13 19:23:23

OP, I'm not sure your still reading this after some of the comments posted. Sadly I'm not as 'perfect' as some members on here and don't think you have over reacted or need to grow up and I do see a problem. You clearly said in your OP that you accepted it was a childish reaction giving DH a hard stare and I would be willing to bet anyone who says they've never done that is a liar! I admit I have.

You say your DH 'has form' are you saying your DH has acted aggressively towards you before/on a regular basis? You say you don't want your kids learning to be like this ... What is 'this' you don't want them learning?

I've read enough threads on here to know that most posters would be screaming LTB to a member suffering aggressive behaviour from a partner. I don't think we are aware of the full extent of your situation, it may possibly be that this is one of many instances however trivial some may think it is. Things can start as very trivial and escalate out of control with aggressive partners as I am more than aware of in more own experiences with domestic abuse. It may be that DH just peed you off today forgetting to put the bin out when you'd just asked him and you needed to let off steam due to being in a mood and maybe feeling taken for granted.

Only you know the full extent of your situation and if it's not the latter you need some help & support x

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 19:27:11

good post, Mrsc

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 21:06:27

Thanks again to all who have taken the trouble to answer me.

I can't really post much right now as am in a council meeting thing.

It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down. If hmm face is such a crime that some of you posters seem to think it is its a wonder mumsnet hasn't been shut down.

Anyway he came home. I had to rush out again so not really spoken about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 21:12:46

Rage of any kind, proportionate or not, is generally a really bad thing in a person, let alone a relationship. You should be able to disagree or ask for things without it ending up in verbal abuse and having doors slammed in your face. Ignore the high horse types up thread. smile

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 21:19:22

I think some people on this thread mistakenly thought they were in AIBU

NanettaStocker Mon 11-Nov-13 21:57:03

He didn't really forget, did he? I know. I'm living what you're living. Ever feel like he does this to pick a fight?

cloudskitchen Mon 11-Nov-13 22:06:55

I'm surprised people have given you a hard time for giving dh a look. Its hardly a crime. Everyone rolls their eyes or demonstrates their annoyance via their facial expressions. Your dh seems to have reacted disproportionately to the situation imo.

Handywoman Mon 11-Nov-13 23:44:17

I think he got 'the rage' because he was going out to work, and doesn't have time for pesky menial tasks. That's why the look upset him. He sounds like a nob. Your relationship sounds unbalanced, OP and I think he is overstepping the mark (displaying aggression and not for the first time). I would say an honest chat is required here, cos this kind of shizzle chip, chip, chips away at a relationship.

iFad Mon 11-Nov-13 23:47:57

What is a stink eye and how do I do it grin

Mrscropper Tue 12-Nov-13 05:41:23

I hope everything was ok when you got home from the meeting OP. Your DH shouldn't be raging at you and slamming a door in your face for anything. That really is unexeptable behaviour. Only you know if the door slam in your face was intentional or not and if it wasn't I would expect him to have been very apologetic when you got home.

Nobody is perfect and we all have off days but if this is something your DH is like on a regular basis I think you really need to look at how this can change or if you can be with him for the rest of your life.

Is your DH aware of his behaviour and how it is affecting you? Is he prepared to seek help for his aggression? Is this something you can live with? You've already mentioned that you don't want your kids learning to be like this but I imagine they are seeing a lot of what's going on and it will be affecting them too. It's up to you what you do with your life hun and nobody can tell you how to live it but there honestly is help if you need it and from what I've witnessed on MN threads there are a large number of members that are genuinely caring and helpful and willing to offer their support x

dozeydoris Tue 12-Nov-13 06:19:54

It's difficult with someone being angry and aggressive if you have DCs because you don't want to exacerbate the situation by shouting back so you suck it up.
My DH could be angry often, in the end I was very angry back and he realized how unpleasant it felt and we had a good discussion about it. But DCs were older and not around.
Your DH needs to change though I don't have an easy solution.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 12-Nov-13 06:27:30

Perhaps in future, if he is not too important, and it is not too beneath him, he can get the wheelie bin out the night before. My dad normally managed this without too much trouble. I think most people do (ok there will be the occasional forgetfulness).

Isetan Tue 12-Nov-13 07:11:46

Thank god for the voices of reason (Dahlen and Cog), since when was slamming a door in someone's face a justifiable esculation to the stink eye, context people! You are a SAHM OP, not a skivvy deserving of poor treatment.

Your email was appropriately firm and succinct, good on ya.

yetanotheranyfucker Tue 12-Nov-13 13:05:55

since when was slamming a door in someone's face a justifiable esculation to the stink eye
It's not justifiable. His slamming the door was totally unacceptable. OP's husband might be a lazy sod who thinks household chores are beneath him and she may be feeling totally taken for granted and justifiably fed and unhappy. We don't know the actual situation, but let's say that is the case - I still think giving your spouse a deliberately dirty look, and wanting to feel allowed to do that, is the right or most effective way to deal with the problem whether he simply forgot or whether he's a total arse. If he is not pulling his weight and behaving badly, then OP should tackle that by talking to him, not with passive aggressive tactics. They won't help her.

yetanotheranyfucker Tue 12-Nov-13 13:06:56

That should be 'I don't think ...'

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 13:10:21

Agreed that passive aggressive is rarely the solution to anything but, reading between the lines, the OP is too frightened to say anything even remotely critical in an assertive way because it's met with 'rage'. If that's the reaction, sometimes all someone has left is the expression on their face.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 13:18:14

I think he overreacted by slamming a door but i think you overreacted by the passive aggressive giving him evils for forgetting to put a bin out.

You both get pissed off, he reacts with door slamming (not great, perhaps have a word about finding other ways of his dealing with his annoyance so that the behaviour doesn't get passed onto the children), and you react with looking at him like you want to murder him or he's a peace of shit or whatever.

I think you both need to work on your reactions. He needs to be calmer but you shouldn't be so passive aggressive. Was there any need to put the bin out right there and then? Because it sounds as though you deliberately put the bin out while he was still there so that you could make a point and punish him with evil looks for forgetting. Very childish and i would imagine rage enducing. People who make points AT me, make me want to slam doors as well!

My dh has told me that sometimes when Im a bit annoyed or stressed i look at him and talk to him like he's scum! I don't mean to at all but it makes him feel awful and worthless. I didn't know my face had such power!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 13:43:21

Evils? She gave him a 'hard stare'. In what universe is that 'rage enducing'? (sic)

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 13:52:24

Everyone thinks it's cute when Paddington Bear does it.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 14:16:51

Cognito. Im wasn't sure what the stink eye was so i looked it up

term meaning a glare or lingering dirty look

Sounds like evils to me.

And yes i think passive aggressive bin putting out deliberately so that he could see whilst giving him evils would make me annoyed to. I would probably think it was pathetic. If it were me and i had been reminded about the bin i would have apologised, but the above would have just annoyed me.

Its pathetic, childish and not worth the fuss the op made. No wonder he was annoyed by it if that's the way she deals with everything.

He needs to learn to react without door slamming but she needs to learn how to behave like a grown up.

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