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I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

(184 Posts)
Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 13:55:22

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

simpleth1ngs Mon 11-Nov-13 13:56:41

Er, have you apologised too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 14:02:38

I think you've done the right thing telling him not to come home. Some time apart will give you both chance to think clearly about how to take things forward. If he 'has form' I take it this is not an isolated incident.

barnet Mon 11-Nov-13 14:04:01

No need for aggression from him, BUT you are the one who is working in the home so you could easily do that job without causing grief.

MorrisZapp Mon 11-Nov-13 14:05:41

If my DP gave me a silent dirty look for forgetting something I wouldn't apologise. If he reminded me or pulled me up politely then I would.

Don't really see what the issue is here.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:06:59

No I haven't said sorry because that's what I usually do. He is laying all the blame on me and I'm fed up with him not seeing how much he over reacts at the slightest thing. I need to be able to have a minor gripe and for it to remain minor. I have biting my tongue over everything.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:07:34

Hate not have.

MorrisZapp Mon 11-Nov-13 14:11:33

Maybe you haven't given us a good example here. The opposite of biting your tongue would be saying something. Not giving silent evils.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:13:36

Only silent evils because he was in the car and I wasn't. It was a passing look from a distance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 14:16:59

I think you're getting harsh treatment here OP. Having a door slammed in your face is not appropriate behaviour, no matter what went before. If it's typical behaviour, if he constantly over-reacts and if you find you're always backing down rather than having to endure more of the same then you're probably in a relationship with a bully.

Some time apart is what you both need - and not just a few hours.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:56

Thanks Cognito.

yetanotheranyfucker Mon 11-Nov-13 14:26:37

He wasn't right to come in and slam the door, but I couldn't be dealing with 'evils' from my spouse for fucking forgetting something either.

I need to be able to have a minor gripe and for it to remain minor.
Well, no you don't need to gripe over such a trivial issue and you didn't gripe - you were childish and passive aggressive and nasty. If my spouse behaved like that on my way to work, I'd not be in a huge hurry to come home that night either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I think you owe him the first apology. Grow up - 'evils' are for teenagers or people with the same mental age. If there are real problems and you feel resentment, then deal with them properly and maturely.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:34:07

Oh well Yetanother, we differ there. If he'd stink eyed me I'd have said 'oops sorry, forgot' and that would end it. I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:39:45

I'd be pretty peeved if my hubby got on at me for something I'd forgotten, rather than done on purpose. We all make mistakes.

Personally I think a quick, 'need a hug when you get in' text should stop this morning from spilling into tonight too. I hate it when hubby and I fall out, especially over petty things when we are both tetchy. It's not worth bearing a grudge.

yetanotheranyfucker Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:45

I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.
No, neither would I. He was wrong to do that. I would be extremely annoyed and disappointed in my partner's behaviour if they did what you did though and that's what you don't seem to be understanding - his slamming the door was totally unjustified, but actually many people would also find what you did unacceptable. You saying you'd be OK with someone treating you that way is not an acceptable excuse for treating your partner in a way they're not OK with. Your first reaction was disproportionate and that's why it escalated.

emye Mon 11-Nov-13 15:00:32

well why didn't he just take the bin out? gosh, sometimes people are so inconsiderate...you are good to not want your kids to be like that...

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 15:00:41

You were both out of order - could you not have put the bins out seeing as he forgot? If my DP gave me a filthy look i would be really upset by it actually.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:48:10

If DH does bugger all around the house and frequently forgets to do the very occasional task that you ask of him, TBH I don't think you were at all unreasonable. Giving a dirty look after repeated 'offences' is hardly abusive disrespectful behaviour.

Constantly pulling up your partner because of 'mistakes' when they are generally being normal human beings pulling their weights and occasionally just get it wrong, is quite another thing but I don't think that's what's going on here.

I think what's going here is that the OP has got very fed up being cast in the role of general dogsbody. She's feeling taken for granted.

Whichever is true - whether you're downtrodden SAHM or moody PITA - slamming the door in your face in response is completely unacceptable behaviour from your OH no matter what.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:50:57

OP, I'd heartily recommend this book.

I think there's probably a lot more to the this and Cogito has already spotted that!

What now?
Well you follow through with your threat.
If he does come home then if you can, you go off together to a quiet room and discuss all the shit you are putting up with.

I really don't like the sound of him and I think you've had more than enough of it.
Get tough.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 15:56:39

Dahlen, thankyou. That's how I feel. It is very hard to explain without long boring posts about trivia.

I know it was initially fuss about nothing but life is lots of little nothings that add up. I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:58:20

If my DP gave me a filthy look I'd be furious and make sure he knows so.

Dirty looks are so childish and really insulting!

Jan45 Mon 11-Nov-13 16:01:50

Sounds like you dared to challenge him on something and for that you got a sounding off and a slammed door - all very aggressive behaviour - over a wheelie bin - it probably highlighted to you that he's the bully and you are usually the pacifier, time to have a long chat with him over boundaries and how he is treating you and what kind of example does that set to the children.

eurochick Mon 11-Nov-13 16:02:43

You both sound like you are acting like teenagers, tbh. Grow up!

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 16:04:33

Thank yo all for posting. I'm off now. I have kids to look after.

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