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He won't make the effort to see me

(56 Posts)
alittlebitfedup Sun 10-Nov-13 20:23:01

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.

He is the first man I have dated since the break up with my DD's father 2 years ago.

Due to my childcare situation (i.e. going out means advance planning for childcare etc) and his job (he works long hours, 6 days a week) we have averaged meeting up about twice a week, once during the weekday and then during the weekend).

However, I have now not seen him at all for 2 weeks. He actually had a week off work last week and I had assumed that we would meet up at some point during that time. I know he went away to visit family for a few days but from the thursday to sunday he was back in our hometown. It was me who was texting him etc. I found this all a bit disappointing and assumed that this meant that maybe he was not so keen on me anymore. So I rang him up on Monday to say "hey, whats going on? Are we still doing this or shall we call it quits". He said that he was really shocked and sad that I felt this way. We ended up talking for 2 hours - he said that he was still interested in me, that he just hadn't thought about how not really contacting me or wanting to hook up would look from my point of view, that he really liked me, said that he was tired, very busy etc. He said that he is always going to be a disappointment and that he has been single for such a long time that he is used to putting himself first.

Anyway, roll over to this weekend - we had planned to meet up today. He told me this afternoon after a lot of faffing about that he was feeling like a "lazy bastard" and didn't want to meet up today. He said this is what he meant when he told me on Monday that he was selfish.

I ended up sending a ranty text to my friend stating how piss poor I found all of this but accidentally sent it to him instead so he ended up getting the uncut version of what I felt. He sent a text back saying that I had a right to be annoyed. It feels all a bit awkward though.

I do like him, we seem to get on very well when we are together and have lots in common etc. I do know that he is very busy and that I'm sure he is very tired. I just feel quite disappointed that he didn't want to make the effort with me today or during his week off.

I think I should probably end it. I think the aim of this post was really just to vent.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag Mon 11-Nov-13 00:20:30

I would highly recommend the book 'He's just not that into you' (not the film though, that was rubbish)

It's a real eye opener. If a guy is into you, he will make sure he sees you whether he's tired, busy or anything. I too have had the horrible feeling of wondering why a guy hasn't been in touch, why he chose to visit a town near my home but not tell me etc etc. For the record - I chased and chased him, and he ended up dumping me by text.

Like someone has said upthread - if this is him at his best, you don't want to see him at his worst.

Save yourself the hassle - you've already sent him the text telling him how shitty he is. Consider it job done!!

MillyRules Mon 11-Nov-13 00:26:02

Controversial but The Rules is brilliant and even though some people think it's game playing, it's more about enabling you to keep your sense of self esteem and to not waste time on men who are not worth. it.

Monty27 Mon 11-Nov-13 00:28:45

He's not that into you. Just dump the selfish git and find someone who deserves you confused

iFad Mon 11-Nov-13 00:30:37

I would agree that he is either just not that into you (but likes you enough to shag so he keeps you sweet when you get upset)

or

He's married and making excuses as to why he can't see you so often.

alittlebitfedup Mon 11-Nov-13 21:03:59

Here is an update. I told him today how the lack of contact and not seeing him for the last 2 weeks had made me feel unimportant and that I didn't really like that. I told him that I think it would be better to call it day. He said that he didn't think that he would be able to give me the commitment that I crave and that he thinks its a shame as he still really likes me and that he thought that we had a good time together. He said that he did not see me as unimportant and was sad that it had to end with me being annoyed at him. I told him that I would want more in terms of meeting up, even if it was just to meet up for a coffee or whatever as he reiterated how busy he was with work etc. He said that if I change my mind then I could get back in contact etc.

I feel quite sad about the whole thing as on many levels he was really nice and we did get on really well. I told him that fundamentally I needed reassurance from him. I'm second guessing myself now as to whether I have done the right thing. But my gut instinct was that this is not that great for me and that I should end it now before I get too attached to him and it then becomes even more upsetting to end it.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 11-Nov-13 21:19:23

You have totally done the right thing!!!

Who is so busy/ tired from work they can't meet up for a bloody coffee in over 2 weeks?!?!

Come in op you're worth waaaaay more. You weren't really together were you?? How can you be 'together' with somebody who you don't see? All the time you were with him was time you could have been having lovely dates with other guys and meeting somebody who would've been so crazy for you, they'd want to walk 5 miles just to see you during your lunch hour!!! That's what u deserve- not this prize idiot!!!

Sorry you're sad about it but please know you've done the best thing!!!

Sidge Mon 11-Nov-13 21:29:02

Good call.

I have PMd you, your experience mirrors mine!

newforest Mon 11-Nov-13 21:39:55

I went out with someone ten years ago who behaved just like this. Would call his friends when he was around and not me; always felt like I was the one who wanted to see him, never the other way around. He eventually ended it after six months (can't believe I hung around that long, but he was my first boyfriend!).

Two years later (we had remained friends), he started to see me a lot and always calling me to go out and meet up and spending time at my house. When we were together, I only saw him once a week, but at this point it was becoming every day. He made ALL the effort. I never called him. A few months later, he asked me to try again, and seven years on, we're still together. It's so different this time. I never doubt his feelings and we make equal effort. The first time around, I assumed he was just lazy, but in reality, at that point in his life, he just wasn't interested.

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 21:43:15

You're not sure if it was right decision?

How could it continue when he can't even be bothered to meet you for coffee?

Save your energy for someone who wants to be with you.

ShoeWhore Mon 11-Nov-13 21:49:02

Absolutely the right decision OP!

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 21:51:02

I think you've done the right thing.

You haven't actually said how you ended up together. Did you meet through OD or IRL? Was it stated at the beginning that either one of you was looking for a relationship or did you just experience the chemistry and agree to meet again?

It may be the case that he never wanted a relationship, in which case he's being honest with you and it's better to find out now.

However, if he said, or strongly implied, that he was looking for a relationship, he has been completely disingenuous with his comments about "not being able to give you the commitment you crave". That actually sounds highly manipulative - as in "you're being unreasonable asking to be treated as though I like spending time with you. You should be grateful I condescend to see you at all. But I'll forgive you as long as you concede I'm right and agree to see my on my terms with no complaints and no demands on me."

Player or honest guy? Who knows. You do more than us. Either way, he's not available to build a relationship with so you're really better off without him.

Hope you feel better about it soon.

Nagoo Mon 11-Nov-13 21:59:38

Totally the right decision. Onwards and Upwards.

FolkGirl Tue 12-Nov-13 06:30:34

You have done the right thing.

OneMoreChap Tue 12-Nov-13 09:01:15

Mumof3girlys

If he was interested he would chase you!

MillyRules
Men like to chase women anyway. Its the way they are made. They are achievers and strive to achieve things... If he is interested he will persue

The Rules is brilliant and even though some people think it's game playing

Wow.
I've just timeslipped back into the 50s.

TBH, the guy sounds a bit selfish and looks like he might want different things, so you are probably right to end it.

mammadiggingdeep
Who is so busy/ tired from work they can't meet up for a bloody coffee in over 2 weeks?!?!

Lots of professionals? I work frequently for weeks at a time when I can barely fit in time for sleep, hygiene and basic exercise. When I was working on major contract bids in another life, it was often a choice between gym/breakfast. Mate's wife was a contract lawyer and she'd often pull 16-18 hour days when younger.

The guy didn't want the same sort of thing the OP did; enjoy what you have and move on, and hopefully the next person will be a bit more laid back and less selfish.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 11:03:17

Well said on all counts, OneMoreChap.

It's true that lots of people might not be able to manage time for romance and I would have sniffed at the OP for being a bit high maintenance if the guy was genuinely too busy or tired to see her for a mere fortnight; or at least I would have said he is clearly not at the point in life when he can spare time to have a relationship so it is best to let him go. However, this isn't really the case, as he actually did have time to meet but said he was too lazy to do so. Chalk one up to him for honesty I suppose, but tact? Consideration? Thoughtfulness? Not so much.

You have so done the right thing.

NumptyNameChange Tue 12-Nov-13 11:17:53

he sounds awfully manipulative OP. that end speech was SO to push your buttons, make out it's all in your head, you need commitment, your problem etc and not budging an inch himself but making sure you know the door is open IF you bow to the idea that you're just too needy and craving commitment and are willing to accept this dalliance entirely on his terms.

please stay clear.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Nov-13 11:52:28

He must feel he's got the pick of sweeties in a sweet shop to be so lazy about making any effort. Not what you're after OP so give him up. I hope your text to your friend he received by mistake was very candid about his manners wink.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag Tue 12-Nov-13 12:01:09

It's done now - well done OP.

Chalk it down to experience, consider yourself a stronger person. Big smile, move on, happy in the knowledge that you've learnt a good lesson about what a man who really likes you and wants to be with you doesn't act like

He doesn't act like this guy. He acts as though he wants to see you, wants to be with you more than his friends, and can't wait until he's with you again.

File it under "Shit relationships to avoid". God knows, my file is full to bursting, but they're all little lessons in life's rich tapestry!!

BibbleBabbleBobble Tue 12-Nov-13 12:03:51

You have done the right thing.

Granville72 Tue 12-Nov-13 12:38:15

The right call I think. If he was that interested and in to you then he'd have made more of an effort.

I went out with someone like that, and they soon grind you down and make you feel worthless.

You never know you, he may change his mind and miss you but I wouldn't hold your breath.

ALittleStranger Tue 12-Nov-13 13:29:15

Deeds not words. He's demonstrating that he's not interested, doesn't matter a jot if he claims differently.

ALittleStranger Tue 12-Nov-13 13:30:16

Whoops missed your update. Well done. Next.

brokenhearted55a Tue 12-Nov-13 14:09:19

If I see he's just not that into you one more time I'll scream. Its 2 months not 2 years.

More logical is this:

www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/04/17/relationshipstrategies/timing-is-everything/

FluffyJumper Tue 12-Nov-13 14:42:38

That's an interesting blog post brokenhearted. However I think the moral of the story is 'back off and trust to serendipity' rather than 'peruse a relationship that makes you actively unhappy'.

LessMissAbs Tue 12-Nov-13 15:17:44

Good decision, and good timing OP. You weren't getting much out of it, were you?I can see what he was getting out of it, in that he had a woman on tap when it suited him, the security provided by that but not much of the effort.

Basically, he's got dumped because he was a crap boyfriend. I don't think many women would find his behaviour very appealing. If he likes you enough to miss you, he will do something about it.

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