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Are Grandparents that dip their toe in and out of their Grandchildrens lives damaging?

(53 Posts)
Sad4kids Sun 10-Nov-13 09:00:10

As in when it suits them?
Kids are 9,7 and1
Both sets moved away nearer coast to semi retire
I feel hurt when I see other children enjoying quality time with their Grandparents
We visit them about twice a year, and they us, but when they visit us they stay elsewhere and only spare us an hour or so of a 3 day break
Bizarrely this goes for mine and DH s parents
I feel like cutting them out altogether, harsh I know
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous
But to see snippets of their 'too busy' grandparents is better than not knowing them at all?
What do you think?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 12-Nov-13 11:12:23

I understand exactly how hurtful this is, particularly when their other GCs live across the road from you, it must feel like you are constantly having your DC's noses rubbed in it.

I think you really do need to try very hard to come to terms with it. They sound extremely uncaring and tactless, but this is who they are, and you will not change them.

You may well find that if you can let go of this anger and not 'care' so much, they might be drawn closer to your DCs.

I did this with my inlaws, by having a good life without them - being very active doing stuff in the holidays etc etc., but importantly, I never cancelled on them (always told them how important they were - cringe cringe), but equally showed them that life was great and interesting without them, and that in no way did we rely them. In the end (it wasn't overnight), I suppose they began to see what they were missing.

It's horrible though and I really can empathise with you. Good luck.

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 11:22:06

I didn't have that with either of my kids' grandparents so I fully understand.

My own parents live 300 miles away and would see my kids maybe 3-4 times a year- my mum would come and stay with us now and then as part of this but my dad never wanted to.

My in laws lived 300 miles away and never ever visited us except for the christenings and one other visit throughout my children's childhoods.

I would have LOVEd to have had my parents round the corner - god, life would have been so much easier with 2 kids at home under 5 and a DH overseas a lot. So I do understand. But as someone who is now 'average age for being a grandparent' I can see that all families don't work this way ( having frequent contact) and some GPs want to live their own lives.

It comes back to the OPs relationship with her own parents.

eatriskier Tue 12-Nov-13 12:52:26

cjel I haven't suggested the gps in ops case are scum. Nor have I said my family don't get on (just that my siblings some cousins and I see my gps for precisely what they are, the previous generation until recently did get on). But I am saying the very mumsnet thing of you can't change them but you can change your reaction. The op is at a point where she is considering no contact and continuing to force a relationship where one party isn't the into it doesn't lead into any good realm for op more than anyone. It doesn't have to be all or nothing but op can just calm it down, take and make no promises and just accept they aren't going to be wonderful gps. Not every parent, no matter how good they are, have it in them to be a good gp.

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