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To think it's odd that my mother didn't notice my son's injury?

(79 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Nov-13 04:27:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Sun 24-Nov-13 06:14:01

Being cruel to be kind, op I really think you need to start thinking about what to do about her & get over the ripped off feeling before it consumes you.

Yes she was a shit mother, still is. You obviously don't trust her or your instincts about her (having to check if she should have noticed, worrying about the pool) & she makes you feel bad a lot (all) of the time.

BUT, you are now in charge of your feelings & life. You can go on feeling let down, but accepting the status quo, or you can be pro-active & DO something.

For the sake of your children decide.

*And I know there are mums out there who nurture their daughters when they have babies, let them sleep, clean their houses etc *Yes, there are, but you don't have one. You need to let it go, only by letting it go will you start to feel better.

And before everyone jumps on me, I grew up with a narc mother who didn't even want me, I won't go into my story but needless to say the day I stopped seeing her (over 20yrs ago) and stopped being her victim, but physically & in my head (the head thing was much later, not until about 5yrs ago actually) that i stopped feeling like I was robbed of a mother. I was giving her power over me, even though she had no idea. I stopped being the 10yr old who wanted her approval & just got on with my life.

differentnameforthis Sun 24-Nov-13 06:00:06

toffeesponge = Irrelevant the OP missed it

It isn't irrelevant. Her mother having missed it is the whole premise of the thread, so yes, it is VERY irrelevant that op missed it.

differentnameforthis Sun 24-Nov-13 05:53:03

teeth bleed a lot when knocked dont they, not sure how you would not notice

Teeth don't bleed, no. Surrounding soft tissue, if damaged, does though. If the actual tooth was broken, it means that the hard part took the fall & that the soft tissue wasn't damaged. Therefore, no blood.

saladcreamwitheverything Sun 24-Nov-13 03:19:59

I just want to apologise for my comments two weeks ago. I misread your post after reading another thread and was clearly in the wrong.

thanks

blush

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 09:36:46

I think what you need to focus on is her reaction when you rang her, did that not seem odd?

On Mumsnet there are plenty of seemingly normal DMs and MILs that don't support their children/dil/sil in their parenting.

The mantra 'my child, my rules' is relevant here.

If your child's routine is not respected, if their welfare comes in second place consistently to the GP, if there is no desire to want to do the best for the child, then that person can't be left with your child as a matter of course.

If a child is tired, it needs to rest or sleep. If he can't walk anymore then he needs a bit of help; either carrying or in a buggy. It's not rocket science, it's basic care and consideration for a fellow (and vulnerable) human being.

Put your child's needs above your need to appease your mother. Make alternative arrangements for childcare.

You know what you dealt with here, but there wasn't anyone to protect you from it.

Now it's your son, and he has you. Make it count.

(((hug)))

tangerinefeathers Tue 12-Nov-13 08:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 07:35:33

There is pointing out that someone's thinking isn't accurate/rational/helpful and saying it's ridiculous.

Trying to pass that shit off as 'support' is ridiculous.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 07:33:48

She doesn't believe in naps for toddlers?

Another example. The Nap's not hers to decide ffs, it's all about the child and if HE needs one or not.

SoupDragon Tue 12-Nov-13 07:23:32

Can I just add that I do not doubt that your mother is toxic and you have every reason to dislike her. I just don't think the two incidences regarding your child described here are out of the ordinary for normal family life. In these cases, your mother's narcissism is clouding the issue - or making issues where there are none.

I have often found injuries a while after the accident - my children certainly howled as if they had done major damage whether it was just scuffed hands, shock or a head injury requiring glue. She may have checked and not noticed, you checked and didn't notice [shrug]... it happens. None of this changes how you (rightly) feel about your mother due to her history and behaviour though.

I hope your DS bounces back smile

tangerinefeathers Tue 12-Nov-13 06:16:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dri2 Tue 12-Nov-13 04:06:28

Why is your mother having your child? I don't think you mention it in your OP, apologies if I missed it. I just don't understand why you let him go there if you don't trust her and clearly there is a difference in parenting styles. Why not just keep him home with you? Or look for alternative childcare arrangements?

BarbarianMum Tue 12-Nov-13 00:57:23

Just keep saying it, until you believe it. This gets easier.

My mum is lovely (it's my dad whose the narc, and she always contained rather than enabled him) so I don't exactly know where you are coming from but I do know that whilst you cannot look to a narc for understanding, you can show yourself some mercy. smile

tangerinefeathers Tue 12-Nov-13 00:49:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tangerinefeathers Tue 12-Nov-13 00:47:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum Tue 12-Nov-13 00:20:33

I didn't say the OP was ridiculous, I said that her saying 'that her son had a gap in his teeth because she left him with her mother and blaming herself' was ridiculous. Because it is.

As I understand it, one of the effects of being brought up by a narcissist is feeling that it's always your fault. I think it's useful for people to challenge that view, especially, as in this case, when it patently isn't.

SoupDragon Mon 11-Nov-13 22:00:42

There is no need to shave a child's head to deal with nits confused

Ziggyzoom Mon 11-Nov-13 20:15:11

I think that unless you have a mother like this, you could never understand the feelings expressed. I can understand why the op's thoughts would seem ridiculous to some, but I share the op's experience of a NPD mother and I can totally understand where she is coming from.

Hissy Mon 11-Nov-13 19:54:40

Is it funny for a small child to get nits so bad he has to be shaved?

Is it normal for a GM to not have the faintest idea of what happened, to not rush to the child, is it?

Using tone like this, and throwing out ridiculous as a word is just wrong. If you don't understand the situation, leave it for others that do.

It might look small fry to you, but it's not.

Yes OP maybe over dramatic in some places, but finding out your child's GM doesn't have much investment in the welfare of your child, and when you yourself have been treated shoddily is a horrific réalisation to have to face.

If you think the op is ridiculous, then that's ok, that's your opinion, but please pass on commenting as the op here needs help and support, not name calling, you'll soon find a thread where your input is constructive.

Dri2 Mon 11-Nov-13 19:43:02

Chipped teeth don't bleed, why would she have noticed any more than you did? Why do you leave him with your mother if it upsets you this much? Kids fall over, they sometimes chip their teeth. They often catch nits. None of this is her fault.

Hissy Mon 11-Nov-13 16:09:56

sad

His hair will grow back. Was it long to begin with? there is a great Vosene spray that is good to use as a deterrent if you hear the little buggers are kicking about. My son has curly hair, so far so good, whenever the school emails, I spray him for a while.

Your mother is a prize narc. Can't believe she would laugh, It's not funny.

As is mine. I'm still struggling with this tbh, I still can't quite believe it.

I need to work up to the number change, it's a big step huh? Will discuss in Therapy next time. The nice lady at Orange said they'd do it for free.

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Nov-13 16:08:50

<<he will have a gap in his beautiful smile, because I left him with her>>

Sorry, but that is ridiculous. There are lots of reasons in your OP and subsequent posts why you should not use your mum as childcare but the fact that your toddler fell down whilst in her care is not one of them.

You can't blame her for not noticing because there was very little time for her to notice in - it happened close to your front door.

Children fall over when they are running around. They get hurt. They have accidents - it is not necessary, or healthy, to allocate blame or self-flagellate when these things happen.

SoupDragon Mon 11-Nov-13 15:56:07

he will have a gap in his beautiful smile, because I left him with her

No, he will have a gap because he fell over. It could easily have happened in your care too. You are letting your awful relationship with your mother cloud your view.

Onesleeptillwembley Mon 11-Nov-13 15:47:54

You checked him and didn't see it. He'd only just done it, so she hadn't even had chance to look, probably. As you had chance to check him over it's more surprising that you missed it.

tangerinefeathers Mon 11-Nov-13 15:44:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Mon 11-Nov-13 14:50:38

The fact that your lad didn't hold his mouth indicates nothing, my boy fell over face first in a shopping centre, put his tooth through his lip, blood everywhere, but he was too young to have that Hold Injury reflex, he was in too much shock I think.

The realisation that our children will suffer, be hurt, harmed and someone just doesn't give a shit - or in some cases actively brings that hurt/harm to our most very precious of beings is just so heinous as to render us in a kind of hideous vicious circle of disbelief.

My DM wouldn't let my DS change back out of (WAY too small) clothes she bought him for his last birthday. 3 times he asked to change. She told him that it would hurt her feelings if he did. When I saw him 3 hours later <shakes head again> he looked pained. I sold those bastard clothes on eBay for a loss, and was HAPPY to pay for them to be out of my house.

I KEEP having thoughts that maybe I was unreasonable about her, and that memory of his little (well hulking great 7 year old) face and the look of physical pain, hurt and confusion he had.

Every time I have to remind myself of that, it makes me die inside. It's getting easier, but the pain of having a freak of a mother is a long one to get over.

She really will go to any lengths to hurt me, and to hurt a little boy who is an absolute treasure. She hates my happiness so much, she will hurt him to hurt me. If I challenger her, she'll do that silly little voice, the batty old dear impersonation and deny it all. Even if I have proof.

I won't ever have anything more to do with her tbh, there has been far too much over the last few years, the last 12 months alone are enough for me to cut her off.

I often look at my life in utter horror that it's come to this. This is not the life I wanted, not in a million years, and it's not the life I deserve.

I'm working up the courage to change my phone numbers. I think New Year will be the changing point.

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