Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To think it's odd that my mother didn't notice my son's injury?

(79 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Nov-13 04:27:13

My oldest child is 3 so I don't know if I am being precious or not (my mother would say I am).

She was looking after my son last week and brought him home. I could hear his crying from the street so went to the front door and found him hysterical. I asked what happened and she said 'Oh, he wanted to run but he fell over.'

I asked where he was hurt and he couldn't tell me, and neither could she, but I checked him over and couldn't find any injuries. She left shortly afterwards. A few minutes later I noticed he had a grazed chin and half of his front tooth had been knocked out (diagonally).

I didn't see what happened on the street or how he fell over, but AIBU in thinking if a child knocks out half a tooth you would notice - ie surely they would be holding their mouth or something when you first went to them, or you'd see them fall and notice how they landed?

I rang her up and she sounded wary at first, and then reacted very dramatically, and blamed the council for it happening (uneven footpath). There is a lot of back story here, but all I really want to know is if it seems odd that she wasn't aware of his injury, or is that unreasonable?

namechangedforhelpplease Sun 10-Nov-13 06:52:46

Had it just happened the fall as they were coming home or earlier that day, teeth bleed a lot when knocked dont they, not sure how you would not notice.

JuneauWhoIAm Sun 10-Nov-13 06:54:12

OP, I'd be mad too but as you said you didn't notice either.

I don't allow my mother to look after my children, I really think she is just not able. She forgets that small children are quick and run and just because you'd like them to sit and play nicely doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Saladcream, were you posting drunk or what?

Slainte Sun 10-Nov-13 06:58:30

I think that your mum may have overlooked this in the exact same way as you did when you gave him a check-over. So, in this instance I think you'd have to agree that it was easily missed.

However, if this happened when my DM was looking after DC I would know that it was just an oversight because there is no other history there. It seems that there may be in your case, so you need to proceed with whichever cautions you feel are appropriate, especially as there is a swimming pool involved, is this gated or alarmed?

Congratulations on your new baby too.

bragmatic Sun 10-Nov-13 07:16:04

Yes, I did. It wasn't loose, nor was it causing him any pain. I took him to the dentist a couple of weeks after as he was due to go and the dentist said there was no need to do anything.

He is almost 7 now and he still has it. In fact he hasn't lost any baby teeth at all.

I'm guessing he did it by simply falling over - he was just learning to walk at the time. He fell often, would squawk, and then get up again. So I can see how I'd have missed it. I had 3 kids under the age of 3 at that point!

Plus he had had no other obvious facial injuries at the time. No cuts, grazes, fat lip or anything. I was flummoxed as to how it happened!

tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Nov-13 08:46:01

namechanged it had literally just happened as she got him out of the car to bring him to my front door. He was hysterical, but she was very vague on details about what had happened, which is often the case and one of the reasons I am thinking of not having her look after him anymore. The pool is gated and locked and used to be secure as it was rarely used but is now being used a lot more so that's another concern. I just worry that she isn't 'present' enough.

Juneau glad to hear I'm not alone in making this decision, it's a pity & I do feel a bit ripped off as she had my grandparents giving her afterschool care for pretty much our entire childhood (including school pick up every day and whole weekends) and I won't get anything like that. But that was good for me as they were lovely people, I miss them so much even now.

Anyway whatever happens I'm not going to bring it up with her, just change how things are done.

thanks slainte

bragmatic we are going to the dentist tomorrow too. three kids under three, wow, yes, easy to miss in that situation. I guess you'll never know, and soon it will be gone anyway!

Pollywallywinkles Sun 10-Nov-13 09:05:42

It sounds like it happened close to your house and he was rushing home. She wouldn't necessarily have noticed anything or even had the time to notice. You didn't notice yourself and he was probably unaware himself. If he has broken part of his tooth off, there probably wouldn't have been any blood unless his teeth went into the opposing soft tissue with the impact of the fall.

I don't think this incident as a stand alone event is much of an issue and typical of the sort of things that happen to children of his age. If you have other concerns, you need to address then with your mother to resolve them.

Hopefully he is feeling ok now and the tooth is not too problematic.

Joysmum Sun 10-Nov-13 09:10:22

So it happened just before you saw him so shed have had less chance than you did to notice it but you didn't notice it either. Yes I think you're being over the top about it, sorry x

RandomMess Sun 10-Nov-13 09:11:30

If she's a narcisst perhaps she just didn't want your ds to have all the attention for being hurt rather than on her and what a wonderful and perfect GM she is?

She may have just thought it was a bump with no injury and he was making a fuss over nothing...

Peacocklady Sun 10-Nov-13 09:20:08

Dd broke both her front milk teeth diagonally when she fell forward into a metal climbing frame ramp. She cried for a bit so I was comforting her but cheered up on the swing and when she smiled I noticed with horror a big gap. It was a huge shock.

tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Nov-13 09:30:28

randommess you understand where I'm coming from. She does tend to totally ignore crying and brushes over any concerns because she is 'so good with children'.

peacocklady you poor thing, I know how that feels too and you had both. It's such a shock!

Vivacia Sun 10-Nov-13 09:45:13

I do feel a bit ripped off as she had my grandparents giving her afterschool care for pretty much our entire childhood (including school pick up every day and whole weekends) and I won't get anything like that.

You can't expect her to provide child care. I don't know why you'd feel ripped off.

Peacocklady Sun 10-Nov-13 10:00:32

I was still bf her and it was v painful! They looked like upside down devil horns. They became less sharp and less obvious over time and she's got a great big second set now all present and correct (she's 7 now!)

tangerinefeathers Sun 10-Nov-13 10:02:48

Vivacia I don't expect her to provide childcare. I've never asked and never will. I just wish I had more support, that's all.

Vivacia Sun 10-Nov-13 12:23:47

Sorry for misunderstanding. What do you feel "ripped off" about?

Mumof3girlys Sun 10-Nov-13 12:32:18

You said you checked him over and didn't notice any injuries until later so do think its a little unfair to not be happy that she didn't!

Sometimes kids do fall and can't tell you where it hurts because they are in such a state

kinkyfuckery Sun 10-Nov-13 12:40:02

So this happened just outside your house, she checked for injuries and couldn't find any, so rushed him inside where you didn't notice any injuries either. Later, you noticed he'd broken a tooth and had a skinned chin - but it's her fault for not noticing? Eh?

Hissy Sun 10-Nov-13 12:40:40

My love, noo you know that this is not an ideal situation and that you are going to have to make other arrangements.

she's not a reliable person to leave your baby with. Please don't do that again?

I think the ripped off thing is understandable, it ISN'T fair that your mother is a narc, but she is. You suffered and now you have seen that your children will too. It's NOT fair to have a dysfunctional family, you HAVE been cheated, but nothing YOU can do about it other than protect your children.

tangerinefeathers Mon 11-Nov-13 09:16:25

Thanks Hissy, it's so hard for people without narcissistic mothers to understand. I really am going to have to give up on the idea of her being around my kids unattended, it's not safe for them, I know what she's like when no one is watching and when things like this happen I feel so guilty. The dentist said he'd have to have the tooth removed sad

tangerinefeathers Mon 11-Nov-13 09:20:00

And yes you get the ripped off thing completely. It's always felt particularly bad when I have a child - her behaviour seems to get worse as she gets jealous (she loves newborns, hospitals, all the drama) and she seems to go out of her way to provoke me. And I know there are mums out there who nurture their daughters when they have babies, let them sleep, clean their houses etc. It all seems worse when I'm tired...

Divinity Mon 11-Nov-13 12:43:30

Tangerine if you are the scapegoat and she is a narcissist why are you leaving your son with her? I'm being deliberately blunt. Do you think she'll be nicer to your DS because he is a child? Think back to your childhood, what was she like with you?

Narcissists are crap parents. Thankfully you had lovely grandparents who looked after you. Perhaps the feeling of being ripped off is not about your mother providing childcare now but that she has not provided the emotional support a mother should?

Definitely arrange alternate childcare as it means less drama for you and your DS to deal with.

SoupDragon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:46:08

I asked where he was hurt and he couldn't tell me, and neither could she, but I checked him over and couldn't find any injuries.

So, he'd just done it and you didn't notice the injury either.

toffeesponge Mon 11-Nov-13 13:50:43

Irrelevant the OP missed it. The bigger picture is what is important here and that is the fact the this grandmother doesn't sound a healthy influence to be around a small child.

Vivacia Mon 11-Nov-13 14:16:40

I don't think anyone is owed a grandparent for their children, let alone childcare from a relative (free or otherwise).

Floggingmolly Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:08

You didn't notice til after she'd left??

tangerinefeathers Mon 11-Nov-13 14:24:34

All those who are pointing out that I didn't notice, I KNOW THAT! That is why I'm asking if it's odd that she didn't notice either - the difference being that she was right there when it happened and I wasn't.

divinity I know. it is a day he spends with his niece, he really loves her and always wants to go. he seems to love her, i hoped she would be a better gm than she was mother.... she wanted to have him and she's hard to say no to, i wanted a day off etc.....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now