I feel like my mum doesn't care anymore

[FeelingHurt]

Hi everyone,

I'm not a parent myself (And unless I adopt I'll unfortunately never get the opportunity, although I would really love to be a mother.), but I really just wanted somewhere to write about my feelings and maybe get some advice from other people..

I'm 26 now and for a long time I've felt my mum doesn't care about me anymore. Since I left home to go to university at 18, I felt like my mum was just glad to have rid of me. Our relationship seemed just one sided, where my mum would rarely even bother to contact me unless it was me initiating the contact. In the past I've purposely not called her for a couple of months just to prove to myself that she'd not bother if I didn't.

A couple of years ago, around Christmas time my mum really upset me. I was feeling vulnerable at the time after having made some quite major life changes and separating with my partner, but my mum didn't seem to care at all. I'd always go and spend Christmas with her but that year, she really hurt me when she told me there wouldn't be any space for me at Christmas because some of her new husbands family would be staying there, as well as my brothers. We fell out over it and didn't speak for around a year until I backed down and contacted her again. I don't know if she even realised how much it hurt me, or if she didn't care, but she's never shown any regret about it.

Things still weren't great since we started to speak again a little over a year ago. Our relationship seemed very one sided yet again, but I tried to just ignore things (As I'd done a lot in the past) and try have any sort of relationship possible with my mum, even if it wasn't the perfect relationship.

Just a few days ago my mum really hurt me again. I've been aware for some time that I'll be having some quite major surgery done around June/July next year and she offered to let me stay with her, as for around 2 weeks after my surgery I'll need someone to care for me because I wont be very mobile and will be in a lot of pain. On Monday this week I finally got the date for the surgery, which will be mid July next year. I told my mum about getting the date and her response was "Well I'll need to see if I can look after you because I might be going on holiday".

When she said that I felt so hurt again. She's known for some time that my surgery would be June/July and she was the one to offer to look after me, and now I have the date she doesn't want to commit to it and feels her holiday is more important. We had another argument and she said she thinks I'm selfish for being upset about it. I don't really have anyone else who would be able to look after me during my recovery and she knows that. I told her I feel really hurt and that feel she doesn't care about me anymore, and her only response was that I've apparently hurt her in the past too, but she wouldn't give me any examples of when/what I did.

I'm really not sure what to do anymore. My mum had another child with her current husband, who's 7 now and I really don't want to lose contact with my little brother, but having my mum in my life has been causing me a lot of issues with depression, self esteem and making me have difficulty trusting anyone in my life.

I'm really not sure what to do anymore. I've tried telling her the things she's done to hurt me, but she doesn't seem to even care about how I feel. I feel like my only options now are to either continue with the one sided relationship or cut my ties with her permanently this time so I can try get back to normality.

After we hadn't spoken for almost a year, I felt like my life was getting back on track. My issues with depression had mostly gone and I was feeling much more confident. But since we've been back in contact, I've felt miserable again. I returned to university after leaving because of issues with depression back when I originally went, and now I feel like my problems are back and it's majorly effecting my studies. I'm taking anti-depressants again, isolating myself from my friends and rarely going into university because I just cant motivate myself to get up in the morning. I've also been feeling suicidal and if it wasn't for my cat needing me, I honestly think I'd just end my life.

I just feel so unloved and hurt by my mum and I don't want it to continue, whether it means cutting her out or trying to find some way to repair our relationship..

I'm sorry if this isn't the place to post this, but I wasn't really sure where else to, and I think it'd be good to get advice from mothers about what I should do, and whether it's me or her in fault.

Sarah

[SourSweets]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I think if you re-post or get your post moved to the relationships section you'll get more advice. There are a lot of women there struggling with difficult mothers/parents.

I have no experience of this myself but I hope someone can offer you some support and practical advice.

[JimmyCorkhill]

Your mum sounds really uncaring, I really feel for you.

My DP has had a similar experience with his mum. He did cut her out for a few years and is now rebuilding the relationship. He also saw a counsellor for a time and she was brilliant at getting him to see the situation clearly (she made him see it wasn't his fault).

I'm sure that other posters will be along soon to offer more useful advice but until then, I think you're right to feel the way you do. Is there anyone at your uni (counsellor wise) that you can speak to? Otherwise have you tried The Samaritans?

You come across as a lovely person and it's horrible to think you're feeling suicidal. Sending you a hug, and hold on for the more useful responses

[FeelingHurt]

Hi,

Thank you for the replies.. I struggled to find which section to put it in.. I was looking through the list and couldn't find anything that seemed appropriate so just picked behaviour since well it's kinda to do with my mum's behaviour.. If a mod could move it to the right place I'd appreciate that.

Thank you,
Sarah

[wem]

If you report your post they can move the thread to Relationships. I think the fact that your depression lifted when you weren't in contact speaks volumes.

[KB02]

Hi, just wanted to say you might get your thread moved quicker if you click report on your original post and explain you want it moved as it might bring it to mnhq attention better.

I don't have any advice for you other than i feel for you as I rely on my mum a lot. HOPe you get some help on relationships board.

[KB02]

X post !

[FeelingHurt]

Thank you for moving the thread

[Hissy]

You poor thing.

I'm going to advise you to read the OP again here and ask you to imagine someone else wrote it.

Someone like me perhaps? We share a name ;)

If you stand back and detach from these heart felt words you'll tell the op that it's blindingly obvious what she has to do, and that as sad as it is, her entire being is crying out for this.

You have to walk away. There's nothing else for it. Your mother has never been there for you, and never ever will.

She will end up letting you down in the summer and you'll be stuffed.

Can you ask friends to help share the load of looking after you? I don't know where you live, but if I were close i'd look in on you and help out if I could.

My mother sounds like yours, never wastes an opportunity to kick me when i'm down.

It won't change, you know this. You have to make other arrangements for your life and get on with living away from her and her poisonous envy/resentment or whatever.

You don't need her, you need supportive people. She's not ever going to be the person you wish she was.

I'm so sorry, but best you deal with this now than end up alone, in pain and helpless.

I'm in Hampshire if that helps?

[Botanicbaby]

OP I feel so sad for you, your mum should be there for you but she's not, as Hissy says. She won't ever be. Unless something hits her but I wouldn't waste years of my life waiting for it.

The only thing I can say is that its good you have realised this at such a young age. It took me till my forties to realise that, actually, my mum puts her husband (not my father) and others, before me.

I absolutely hear what you are saying about the effect it has had on your self-esteem, ability in trusting others and causing depression. It is a horrible feeling to feel unloved but please, please, don't isolate yourself from your friends. Depression is the worst thing ever, that feeling of not wanting to go on or get up in morning. Please reach out to friends, your GP, anyone that can help. Having your pet that needs you is a good thing. Feeling suicidal is awful, I have been there. It says a lot that you were feeling so much more confident when you went NC for a year with your mum.

I don't have my own family (and I'd love to have had children too) but I have realised that my friends are my family, You can have a life where people are there for you and vice versa. It doesn't have to be your mother. I'm in Norfolk if that is any help. You're not alone xx

[WithRedWine]

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I'm a few years older than you but also struggling to have any form of relationship with either of my parents.

I'm coming to the conclusion that my mum only gives a shit as long as she's the top dog, controlling our attitudes & manipulating the family around her. My dad on the other hand doesn't seem to give a shit about havivng a relationship with me at all.

Anyway, this is your thread & do keep posting as the support & wisdom you'll get on MN is awesome.

[Priceliss]

Hi Sarah,

Your post really touched me.

I think you should buy some books sweetheart such as:

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383999784&sr=1-1&keywords=Toxic%20parents&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Sounds like you have a narcissistic mother who definitely has some kind of personality disorder and you've been singled out as the "bad sheep". I would also really think about therapy as I think this would really help you. She sounds like a toxic parent and really sad your going through this. Make sure if she decides not to help you, you have something else in place after surgery. Also from what I've read about Toxic parents people feel so much better after they cut them out but I understand wanting a relationship with your little brother so it's hard but it's not worth your mental health. And please please reach out to friends and lean on them. Good friends will help you.

Hugs hun xxx

[Lailahrules21]

Hi FeelingHurt, I'm 12 years old and I actually do have the same experience.. So, i might help you with that. One thing you could do is stand up to her, try to ask her to at least say one compliment to each other. Another thing you can do is try to make her feel happy, even thou you don't wanna do it, just try for the better. But I understand, if you have to push it, maybe put a little force into your comeback! If I could do this, then you can too!

[Lailahrules21]

You're Awesome

[Mellodia]

For the moment there I thought you're describing my life.
We already know/ feel from an early age about mothers love or non love as you put it. I'm older than you and from my experience can say your mum won't change. But, again I might be wrong. Why wait for someone to change?! Have you got time to waste?!?
It doesn't mean your mum is a bad person - unfortunately that's her character/mentality. That can't be changed easily.

The fact that you are talking about the issue is showing your're maturing and are ready to deal with it. You just need more time.

See the trick is understanding the situation- what you must do is emotionally detach but still care. Because when you detach you still have a realationship with your mother but it won't hurt.

You're young and you feel you need your mother - but does she needs you! As a species we are meant to leave parents, reproduce and our own children do the same.

Take my case as an example - I see my mum once or twice a year even that becomes too much for her, inspite her recent illness and operation , she still prefers a bingo night over me. So, I realised it's perhaps a slight mental issue there too.

So, become a psychologist , analyse her behaviour find and accept the answers accept her for what she is, detach and manage needy aspect of yourself by toughening up - surround yourself with powerful women, successful people, find a job that you like, give your free time to volunteering, continue studies.
Same as they say we can't choose kids I say we can't choose parents. Let her be, forgive her and live your life - she had hers

[Overthehillsandfaraway8]

I also feel really touched. You sound so sad and let down. i also have a mother who prioritises her own agenda at the expense of my feelings, and has hurt me repeatedly. I don't know what the answer is, except to say that this isn't about YOU, it about her and her inadequacy. She won't change, unfortunately. Look for support from friends or other family members who treat you as you deserve to be treated. Our mother is a unique person, the person who gave birth to us, and we crave love and recognition from her as a result. Some of us, sadly, never get that love and recognition. There are many of us in this situation, you are not alone. It is such a loss for her too, though she may not realise it.

Get some therapy to try to come to terms with this situation and find a way to minimise the impact she has on you. Don't expect anything from her, don't depend on her, and try to sideline her as much as you can. That is really all you can do.