Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help please! Flirtation with a guy at work

(179 Posts)
SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 10:39:17

Ok MNers, I've been considering posting this thread for some weeks now and have finally got frustrated enough to do it. So - tough love needed please.

I really fancy a guy at work. Am 99.9% sure he likes me too. We've worked together for over a year but the flirtation has only been going on for about 10 weeks. We drunkenly kissed at the end of a work evening out - that's what started things.
The next day I did the whole 'oh I was so drunk last night' thing, basically because I'd never thought of him like that before and I was a bit embarrassed. So he got the impression I wasn't interested, I think.

But since then the flirting and chemistry has ramped up to the point that everyone else we work with has noticed and it's become pretty full on and, tbh, embarrassing - I hate feeling I'm being gossiped about.

But - here's the rub - he hasn't asked me out. We've been out for work drinks with colleagues several times since then and nothing has happened. Each time, he spends the whole evening talking just to me, lots of chemistry and eye contact, but we never seem to actually make a move on each other.

The latest time was last night. I am sick of this now. I would rather he left me alone and didn't fancy me than continue like this. It is driving me batty quite frankly.

One further consideration (trying not to drip feed): I recently got a BIG promotion which means I will be leaving his department next month and won't see him from one day to the next. I am wondering whether he's either intimidated by this (I will be in a much higher status role than him, in terms of internal politics, kudos etc), or he's waiting for me to move jobs so that if things go wrong or I turn him down, he won't have to work with me every day.

On the other hand I just keep thinking, keep it simple, stop making excuses for him: if he liked me, he would have done something about it by now. He hasn't, so he's clearly just not that into me.

All my female friends reckon they had to make a move on their partners and I should just bite the bullet and ask him out. I did vaguely say something a couple of weeks ago about 'would he like to go for a drink' when he gets back from holiday (he has been away for the last couple of weeks), and he said yes definitely when he gets back. Yesterday was his first day back, we were in the pub all evening and he didn't mention it at all. Is that a hint that I should just drop the idea?
Aaaargh.

Seriously, tough love needed. Should I try and push it forward, should I tell him to stop flirting because it's making me uncomfortable at work, should I just be zen-like calm and professionalism and write the whole thing off? Or should I be patient and wait and see what happens when I move jobs?

Help please!

PS. Yes we are definitely both single!

Fairenuff Thu 07-Nov-13 17:06:37

Are you going to try and ask him tomorrow? I don't think we you could stand the suspense over the weekend.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 07-Nov-13 17:30:40

Do it!!!

But can you also please use cog's line of "you. Me. O'malleys. 7pm" just because I love it grin

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 17:31:42

Haha, I've been dealing with the suspense for weeks! This is why I'm going slightly out of my mind.

Work got in the way so I didn't do the postit note thing. Will try tomorrow. I promise.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 17:32:56

I'll need to find a pub called O'Malley's ...

silvermantella Thu 07-Nov-13 17:50:42

I think he does like you, but is biding his time/psyching himself up until closer to when you move departments. Mainly because this is definitely what I would do if I were in his position (If I liked a man I worked with)! Think of it from his POV, it would be weird and awkward if you said no, and you had to carry on working together.

Just beat him to it and ask him! He'll be so a) happy and b) relieved you'll have an amazing time!

LessMissAbs Thu 07-Nov-13 20:20:53

halfwildingwoman Are you sure he's not in a relationship? I really hate to be so cynical, but what if he's the type that loves to flirt but has a girlfriend at home. I have known many of these and a friend has just discovered after months of flirting with a work colleague that he isn't actually available

Same here. He is keeping his work life separate from his home life

Does he have a car? Why not ask him for a lift somewhere near where he lives after work, saying your car is in the garage or something?

Email him. Drink tonight.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 20:52:32

This guy is deffo not shacked up with anyone. He and his ex split last winter. He may be dating casually, it's not impossible, how can one ever know? But no sign of it afaik. I know people can deliberately mislead but I really do feel that if it turns out he's either attached or not interested but enjoying the attention then I will have fundamentally misjudged his character. Which is of course entirely possible. What can I say ..

temporary Fri 08-Nov-13 12:49:54

So?

cantthinkofagoodone Fri 08-Nov-13 12:58:16

Did you leave the post it?

You could always e-mail asking him for his number. When he eventually sees his e-mail and responds you could text him

I don't know if I can cope with the suspense of that one though.

QuintesKabooom Fri 08-Nov-13 13:09:34

I would not bother. You have kissed, you have flirted, you have even mentioned going out for drinks.

If he has not taken the hint/bait by now, he is either not interested, or so spineless I would not want him.

Joysmum Fri 08-Nov-13 13:40:05

We'll if I'd taken that attitude quinteskabooom I'd wouldn't be with the man of my dreams and 19 years down the line.

Either we want equal rights and responsibilities or we don't. It costs nothing to try or she can do nothing and possibly be missing out.

QuintesKabooom Fri 08-Nov-13 13:44:17

I dont see equal rights here as an issue, she has already told him she wants to go out with him. He has not acted on this, yet.

struggling100 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:07:17

I faced the same dilemma as you, having never, ever asked a guy out. I plucked up courage, did it... and we are now married. Go for it!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:22:05

I brought in a vintage postcard to write a message on and leave on his desk. Am going to do so this afternoon before I leave. Eek.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:23:42

PS. Thanks for all the encouragement smile
I have never done this before. I am bricking it. But I talked to a friend earlier who has recently been in a similar situation - she prevaricated for so long and in the meantime the guy has met someone else ! That has motivated me ....

Livinginlimbo2 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:25:28

Please, just do it!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:29:01

Btw, in my private life I am pretty laid back but at work I am a hyper-ambitious, driven career woman an I think he is judging me on the basis of that, and thinking that I'm the kind of person who will go for something if she wants it. So I suspect that he thinks if I want him I will ask him. (He by contrast is a very laid back, non ambitious non-career person).

I may be very wrong though ! Maybe I am just reading too much into it and he's not into me after all. Time to put on my big-girl pants and find out.

Shakey1500 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:35:03

Good luck! thanks

Look forward to the update smile

<lurking>

wakemeupnow Fri 08-Nov-13 14:58:25

well ?....

FortyFacedFuckers Fri 08-Nov-13 15:02:57

Good Luck OP grin

Jan45 Fri 08-Nov-13 15:06:36

Again, I just think if he was interested, he would have asked, you've dropped enough hints. For me, if it was that he was just too scared, I'd actually find that a complete turn off.

Then again, I would LOVE for you to prove me wrong! Hurry up woman.

struggling100 Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:12

Oooh! Good luck!

I think the idea that guys will just leap on any woman who looks remotely available is old-fashioned now. Some men are just as shy and nervous about asking a woman out as some women are about asking a guy! smile

Snapespeare Fri 08-Nov-13 15:14:34

blatant placemark

good luck OP!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now