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don't know what to do about my 27yo ds

(61 Posts)
kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 13:33:24

First i have to explain that my ds has borderline personality disorder. He has had behavioural problems since the age of 2. When he was 16 he told me he's gay, just after he'd cut his wrists and taken an overdose of paracetamol! O have no problem at all with his sexuality and he can talk to me about anything
The self harm continued for a few years. He finally met a man and they settled down, had a civil ceremony.

My ds worked in care, but always had some kind of problem which resulted in him leaving or being sacked. His relationship suffered due to his mental health and last year my ds's dp left him. My ds was devastated, he moved back with me.

I have 2 young dcs, aged 10 and 6 and a very small 3 bedroom house. My 6 yo sleeps with my dp in our bed, my dd has her own room, my 27 yo ds is in his 6 yo db room and i'm on the couch!

My ds has had major problems with prescription drug addiction and i have tried to help him kick this addiction. He is currently waiting to be put on a support group for bpd. He was receiving help before but would often miss appointments. I feel that he's not trying to help himself enough.

My 6 yo wants his bedroom back! I was cleaning the room out a couple of weeks ago and found vomit on my 6 yo ds toys and on a pillow, which was turning mouldy.y ds had been out and come home very drunk, he had vomitted in the room and not cleaned it up, he smokes roll ups and is always leaving tobacco lying about, half filled glasses of juice and sometimes his anxiety medication.

I also suffer from a mental health illness and i'm at my wits end. I really want my ds to find his own place to live. I feel bad for him but my 6 yo ds needs his room back and i need my bed!

Kormachameleon Wed 06-Nov-13 13:37:51

And your older son needs you.
I'm sorry and I can only imagine how difficult it is but you are still his mum, even though you have younger children.

Are you actively seeking any help at all that you can find for him ? He can't do this alone and to send him on his merry way so your 6yo can have his room back is awful

He is always leaving tobacco about and half filled glasses of juice ? Yes that's probably because he feels at home and comfortable amongst his family. Just have a word about the safety of leaving meds around and give him somewhere secure to store them

cestlavielife Wed 06-Nov-13 13:57:47

he is an adult.
sadly there is only so much you can do especially when you have other dc to support who are NOT adults.

you need to set rules and boundaries and a time limit on how long he can stay.... - if he stays in your house then it's no to coming in drunk (he can stop for the night round whichever mate he is drinking with)
it is no to his addiction - unless he actively turning up for appts and seeking help.

CinnabarRed Wed 06-Nov-13 14:29:55

I'm afraid I disagree with Korma's advice. Your older son is an adult and needs boundaries and to support himself.

I would give him a month's notice to find somewhere else to live.

In the meantime, your older son should be sleeping on the sofa, not you.

kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 15:04:23

Korma - did i say i was going to send him on his merry way! I have and will continue to support him. I have gone to appts with him and will keep doing so. What i object to is his total disregard to my wishes. And why should'nt my younger ds have his own room? He cant share with his dd as she is Starting to develop and needs her privacy.

I have back issues and really need a decent sleep. If my health Herald down what happens to the rest of my family.

CinnabarRed Wed 06-Nov-13 15:08:51

So why can't your older son sleep on the sofa then?

Firstly, why are you on the couch?

Secondly, as much as he needs your support, your younger children deserve to grow up in a home free from addictions and all the problems it brings.

Your ds is an adult and as such needs to take responsibility for himself. Yes he needs help. But you don't have to live with him to help him.

Taz29duffy Wed 06-Nov-13 15:23:44

I work as a professional in mental health and the most important thing for anyone with BPD is setting boundaries. This doesn't mean that you can't support your son, which he obviously needs, but you also need to look after yourself and your other children. Maybe having rules eg if going out drinking, not to come home but stay with friends, no smoking in room etc. also if son doesn't adhere to these rules explain that he will have to find his own place. As someone else pointed out maybe eldest son should be on the sofa not you? Ultimately boundaries are what are best for emotionally unstable patients and you need to always remember this, especially if you feel guilty at being strict- it's in his best interests. Good luck.

kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 15:49:33

I sleep on the couch Cos my ds tends to go for long naps in the evening and he cant do that on the couch when we're all up and about.

Taz, i am trying my best to support my ds but i'm at a loss at whats the best course of action. I can't ask him to leave cos he does'nt have the funds to get his own place.i do worry about my younger dc seeing their db the way he is sometimes. I also have 2 other dcs and 2 dgc.

mummymummymillionmillion Wed 06-Nov-13 15:51:25

I would have a quite word about the drinking, meds and set some rules. I would also make it clear that you will support him. I would not kick him out as he needs you and you may regret it in the future - especially if anything negative happens to him. I would however insist he sleeps on the settee, not you, this may prompt him to move out.

Well then tough - he can't nap in the evenings.
He will need to stay up and have a proper bedtime like everyone else.
I understand you want to support and help him as much as you can but you having the couch is total madness.
He gets the couch from now on and he'll have to sort his sleep pattern out around that!
And yes, he is an adult and he does need to move out sooner rather than later.
I have no idea how you go about helping him to move out though!?

Have you suggested he applies to the council for supported housing?

Mollydoggerson Wed 06-Nov-13 16:10:00

Can you buy a mattress and have someone sleep on the mattress on the floor of one of the bedrooms? Could your 27 year old ds sleep on a matress in the sitting room, or your little ds sleep on a matress in his sister's room? Or bunk beds for the two small kids?

The 27 year old ds - I'm not an expert but I think he needs to take responsibility for at least the room he is using as his bedroom, maybe take the toys out so that he can use it as his room, and then expect him to keep it clean. No smoking or drinking in the house? There needs to be some ground rules, it is a house with small kids in it afterall, he needs to respect the family home.

Then he'll have to just stop napping in the evenings!

Seriously, BPD is not a catch all for whatever you want to do and fuck everyone else!

You're not helping him by giving him the run of the house!

usualsuspect Wed 06-Nov-13 16:19:39

I would get the younger 2 to share a room for a while.

You can have your bed back then.

I wouldn't kick him out.

You are not helping him by facilitating his unreasonable behaviour.

He will have to change his sleep patterns and sleep in the couch.

He will have to stop smoking in the house and if he makes a mess will have to clean it up immediately.

He will have to stop leaving medicine about when there are young children in the house.

Basically if he wants your help he needs to live your rules. BPD does not give you licence to do what you want when you want and have everyone else inconvenienced.

Pinupgirl Wed 06-Nov-13 16:20:56

Why can your dd and ds not share? My two do and its fine despite many people on here thinking its akin to child abusehmm

Your ds needs your support but he also needs to accept some rules and responsibilities too.

I also work with mental health and addiction, so consequently see a lot of BPD patients. Addiction is so so common in BPD, and rarely completely overcome, I'm afraid to say.
The other thing always stands out for me is that nothing is ever their fault or responsibility. Ever. Everybody else is responsible and needs to support them, and sort their lives out for them. If not, it's the other's fault if they self harm/ overdose/ are aggressive/ trash the house etc. Like a young child they don't see it's their responsibility to sort bills/ money, or clean/ keep tidy. They are eternal children.
And subsequently happy to consume your life, your money, and you (and everyone else! ) without a second of doubt or remorse, or even any idea you would rather do something other than clean up their vomit or why the little brother may want his room back, or how much of an imposition this is from a 27 yo adult.
He doesn't get it. Won't get it, ever . Because that bit of mental capacity is missing, like social dyslexia.
What PP has posted about boundaries- too right. Sky high, built from concrete and re- enforced with steel. No exemptions.
And he needs to be forced to take responsibility for his own life. Which he will not voluntarily do, not while he's living at yours and has the option to offload it onto you, because he sees it as entirely your responsibility.

Sorry. I vote move out, pronto. He needs to present himself homeless, with a letter of eviction from you, and he may get help with deposit

( Sorry, that was long abd sounds quite harsh- not meant to be! )

kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 16:53:32

I never said he smokes in the house. My dd likes to have friends over occasionally and we be unable to do this if she shared with her db.

Pinupgirl - how old are your dc?

Older - i have to disagree with you, my ds has stated to me that he feels bad about the way things are. He can show remorse. My 29 yo dd also has bpd and has had dbt and is doing amazingly well. I think you paint rather a bleak Picture of bpd but ot varies for everyone.

I dont think i ever said that i'm going to kick him out

Kewcumber Wed 06-Nov-13 16:59:53

I would explain to your older DS that he needs to take his turn on the couch now so that you and DS2 can both have your rooms back. He either needs to modify his sleeping habits or nap on your bed in the evening without treating it like a rubbish dump.

I can understand that you don't want to throw him out - I wouldn't either but your an your DS2 shouldn't be martyring yourself to give him his own room. He is an adult albeit and adult that needs support and its totally reasonable that if he needs your support in a house that isn't big enough for 3 adults and two children he needs to compromise.

Or how about a mattress on teh floor of DS2's room for DS1 with a stern talk about not vomitting on his toys!

Floralnomad Wed 06-Nov-13 17:15:46

Have you got a garage that you could turn into a bedroom for him or perhaps room for a small caravan ? If not I think you should all revert to your bedrooms and he should take the couch , it is just tough about the napping in the evening ( I have a 20 yr old who also thinks its the norm to go to bed at 7pm and then be up half the night doing uni work ) . If you were to give him 'notice of eviction' would he be able to get some help from the council with housing ?

SkullyAndBones Wed 06-Nov-13 17:23:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 17:27:36

My older ds often has night terrors and he wakes up screaming so dont think it would be a good idea if he shared with his db.

Floral - we actually do have a caravan in our driveway and to begin with he slept in there but he hated it and we wanted to use it over the summer. I suggested to him that he starts sleeping in it again, but he's not keen.

kaylasmum Wed 06-Nov-13 17:33:47

Tbh i'm not sure i want him sleeping on my couch as he often neglects his personal hygeine wwhen he's particularly low. Its easier to wash bedding than my couch.

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