Visiting prostitutes

[Stephanie65]

Hello Ladies,

I would like your perspectives please. I have been in a relationship with a man for the last ten months but have known him for ten years. I have always known he had problems with alcohol but has now given up drinking and is attending AA. I also knew he he had a history of drug use but it seems this was much more extensive than he lead me to believe.

I have recently discovered (via reading a post on 420chan) that he has a history of visiting prostitutes, mostly for the purpose of them whipping him, and that he is into S&M. I am not into this at all and was shocked by the post, especially as he describes me in it, using the phrase 'enormous ass'. I confronted him about it and he says he hasn't done that for at least two years and he is trying to clean up his act. He says his past is none of my business and it shouldn't make any difference to our relationship. I feel he hasn't been totally open with me and that sexual fetishes and things like taking drugs and regularly visiting prostitutes for whipping sessions aren't exactly 'standard' behavior, and he should have told me about this before now, especially as the post was dated less than a month ago (so it is obviously important to him). Do you think I am being unreasonable to expect him to have come clean about this before now and then only when tackled about it?

[Hawkmoth]

YANBU. In the slightest.

Re-evaluate.

[Theoldhag]

So he lies, cheats (?) and believes that is ok to buy women, objectify them and use them as wank vessels.... Wow!

I think that you need to get tested for stds at your local gum clinic and then have a long hard look at wether or not you want someone in your life that supports the flesh trade and lies to you.

I'm afraid that both issues would be a deal breaker for me.

[LessMissAbs]

It is your business, because it tells you what type of character he is, and also because he might do it again.

I find sleaze very off-putting in men, and have never been able to see them in the same light again or even bring myself to speak to them when I've found out less worse things than that.

A few male friends had a friend use a street prostitute on the way back from a pub, and have basically ostracised him and don't speak to him any more. Its not just women who feel this way.

[cosydressinggown]

Do you really think this man is the best you can do?

He lies, uses the sex trade, uses drugs, drinks (or has an addiction), describes you sexually and offensively online, has a sexual perversion that you don't share...

There's so many red flags here I'm amazed you can breathe!

And, as I said - don't you think you deserve better than this?

[paulapantsdown]

So... he's a drug using alchoholic liar who has abused women and who gets shirty when he is challenged. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man like this? He sounds horrible.

[flowerpotgirl12]

Normally when people in new relationships want to know all the details of past relationships I tell them that it is not really to do with them but this is not that, this is a person with an addictive personality, has a sexual fetish you don't share, post about it online and uses prostitutes.

He should have told you (can understand why he wouldn't mind you), to be honest I would end the relationship before you get anymore involved as it will end messily.

[mcmoonfucker]

This guy has 'hard work" written all over him.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Oh come on!!!

Singledom, Lesbianism and fucking goat keeping are all better than this man.

Get rid, unless you're an actual trolldoll you can do better

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - just WOW!
Run for the hills - right NOW!!!
They are that way >>>>>>>>>>>

[dyslexicdespot]

Run for the hills. Have a look at this link.

the-invisible-men.tumblr.com/

[LividofLondon]

"...he's a drug using alchoholic liar who has abused women..."

Personally, if they were the ones doing the whipping (and getting paid for it) then they are the ones abusing him (physically and financially) surely. And we must not assume that these women are being coerced either; many work in the sex industry independent from pimps etc out of choice, because they prefer the pay and working hours more than other jobs (but I know how much many MNers hate to hear that) And yes, I do know people in this line of work...
...BUT, I still wouldn't want to date a man like that.

[Stephanie65]

Thank you so much ladies for your replies. I feel so much better now. This guy seems to have two sides to his personality. One that is caring, loving and supportive and the other that is self absorbed and, to be honest, a bit weird. I haven't had good relationships in the past so I struggle to recognize what is normal at times. Your feedback has made me see that on this occasion I am spot on. He has told me about using prostitutes in the past but he played it down (like he was very young and it was only a couple of times). He tends to do this a lot. I have tried to be supportive because I know he is trying very hard to be a better person. What upset me most was that he recently made this post, indicating he may have to go back to 'paying for it' (we had split at the time but only two days before!). I knew he liked spanking and stuff but I thought it was in a more playful way and within a loving relationship. The whole thing about paying a prostitute to do it I find creepy and distasteful. The comment about my figure has really upset me and I haven't been able to eat since. I am a large lady and insecure about my size. Don't need that at all. He is coming to mine tonight to discuss this. I am just going to tell him to get lost. Creep! By the way, definitely NOT a trolldoll LaurieFairyCake

[LaurieFairyCake]

Wasn't suggesting you were a troll btw.

But a troll doll - ugly little hairy thing with a pot belly

Who could still do better than that guy !

[Stephanie65]

He has a pot belly. Maybe he is a troll man???

[Granville72]

Bin him. You can do better than that weirdo, leave him to his prostitutes and whipping. He clearly has little respect for you for making comments about you on a public forum.

[JuliaScurr]

Stephanie he's upset you so much you can't eat
This is no good for you
Please make yourself a nice meal today
and don't waste your time with this man

[JuliaScurr]

(didn't mention the whipping prostitutes because that's obviously a deal-breaker)

[DavyCrockett]

Tell him to get lost before he comes round,

safer that way

he sounds horrific. Don't let him in your house. He might get nasty.

take care x

[Stephanie65]

Thank you Julia. You are right, but every time I think about food all I can see is that it will contribute to my 'enormous ass' . I won't be wasting any more time on him.

[LaRegina]

Do you really think this man is the best you can do?

^ that. Because you can do so^ much better.

[LaRegina]

Oops - cocked up with my italics there a bit but you get my point

[Blossomflowers]

And you want to be in relationship with man for what reason? he sounds sounds absolutely vile. Have some self respect. Just re read you have written, Yuk!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Agree - Don't let him come round tonight.
A simple text; It's not working for me
Then no more contact.
And you must eat.
Even if you don't feel like it as your stomach is churning, something liquid would work - soup or a smoothie.
Take care of yourself and ignore ignorant comments from this so called 'man'!!!
If you have issues with knowing boundaries etc... You could do the freedom programme.
Look into it on google. I think there is a on-line course you could do.
Get your boundaries sorted and find yourself, then you are set for what ever you want from life!

[DavyCrockett]

It's your ass, not his. Reclaim your ass, lady

[Stephanie65]

Thank you hellsbellsmelons. That is all very helpful and kind.