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Whatnext074 - thread continued

(1000 Posts)
Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:57:08

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 22:24:46

I agree, and he has told me I'll never get the answers I need, I suppose he doesn't know either.

I emailed him back, told him I am moving on as I know he's not the man I fell in love with. He told me it upset him deeply that I believed members of his family who told me he had been rubbishing our marriage when he said to them that leaving me was well overdue, he said it's just not true. I said that they have no reason to lie to me and he is the only one who has lied to me. He said he was upset that I didn't believe him. I then told him to arrange to collect the rest of his things, especially his clothes as I didn't want them here any longer than necessary. My email was strong and factual. He knows he's getting a letter from my solicitor soon.

He told his DB he is very fragile at the moment. That's what I don't get, he was an absolutely gorgeous looking man but he looks so terrible. I don't know why - can guilt do that to you? He hasn't even said sorry and cries a lot to everyone, I don't expect he's functioning at work. He got what he wanted, he says he deserves a divorce but sadly, I don't want to push him over the edge.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:26:33

Glad you started this, I know you have come a long way in a couple of weeks I was worried that perhaps you had a setback after being so strong despite his odd behavour on the weekend.

I know its hard after being together for so long but its up to him to sort out the mess he has made of his life. He has been horribly unkind so be careful about giving any more chances to hurt you if you soften towards him.

Are you still in contact with his db?

Whether you file for divorce or not, make sure that whatever you do (or don't do) is because it's for your sake & not because you don't want him upset further. The ball is in your court, please don't consider his feelings as he has certainly not considered yours in all of this.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:39:59

My gut feeling on this is he is depressed, men often dont deal with grief well and I suspect he needs counselling to cope with your loss. Only he can sort that though - from what I have heard some men deal with problems (sick child/sick wife) by escaping them with an affair.

Why would be be surprised you believe what you have been told - it would be nice to think it was untrue but he has hardly acted honourably or with consideration for your feelings.

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 05-Nov-13 22:42:15

Hi What - glad you have started a new thread. You are doing so well. I still think your H is following the script. Mine spent mths crying and threatening to jump off various cliffs etc. For my H it was just the guilt I'm sure. I did find by going non contact with him it made it easier for me. But going non contact did take me a l

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 05-Nov-13 22:43:24

Long time!

Keep being positive and look after yourself and that lovely son of yours.

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 22:45:34

I know you're both right, I have 4 months left to make my decision on divorce under adultery and I will use that time.

Bluesky - he is in total denial and even detaches it by saying he's not having an affair because he's not with me anymore. He says he is in a relationship. He tells everybody it's not an affair which hurts me more.

I agree with you that he has escaped the reality of the traumas by doing this and I really don't think he believed his actions would be so painful. Part of his justification was that 52% of marriages end in divorce so why should we be different? Because we were close and inseparable and had a closeness that most married couples have - that's why we should have been different!

It's so sad. I think I'm moving on a bit then I fall apart again.

He is having an affair because you are still married.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:57:30

You thought he was a kind decent man and it turns out he is weak and selfish - his justifications are irrelevant if he were the person he likes to think he is he would not be able to sleep at night for hurting you so badly. I know you are kind hearted but you dont have to listen to his bleating and justifications - they will only make you feel worse.

For a while to come it will be ups and downs for you, just take each hour and day at a time - one day you will suddenly realise that you have gone an hour, then a morning, then a day without thinking about him....I know its sad but its necessary. You have survived much worse than this, you will get there - look at how far you have come in such a short time.

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 23:02:58

It must be hard to see him look rubbish and upset... But he hasn't shown you any tenderness or kindness . He wasn't exactly understanding when you rang him late at night.. So, upsetting as it is, it's his own doing. You are On Medication, been off work and been supported on here. It's up to him
To get the help he needs and address his own feelings and actions. Only he can help himself now. You save your loveliness for you and your DS

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 23:04:21

Your marriage ended because he had started an emotional affair with someone else, most people would view that as pretty shitty behaviour.

Oh and your manager sounds like an arse, glad I dont have to deal with all that corporate b.s. any more grin

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:19:28

Yes, my manager is an arse!! I will remember that tomorrow.

You are right, he has shown me no kindness, it's just my nature to show compassion regardless.

My DM said she thought she lost me a few weeks ago and let his own M worry about him now, my DM sometimes says the wrong things but she's right this time. I said I wanted him to feel some pain and now I suppose I feel guilty for that.

cjel Tue 05-Nov-13 23:20:30

Hello WHAT> I'm glad I found you again. I think its right that they have the 'breakdown' and thats what causes them to run away from one life to another, my dh also still looks crap and it breaks my heart but we can't let ourselves keep trying to help them as we only get ourselves down while trying. you have gone so far along without him. try to keep your mind off how he is and don't find out too much about what he has or hasn't said to other people.
That woman at work sound awful. my dsis had breast cancer and had to have corrective reconstruction as the first hadn't worked. HR woman called her in and she was hoping it would be to say glad your back hope your ok, buit was to tell her she could have no more time of in that year or they would 'take action'!!!

Hope you get peaceful sleep tonightxx

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:08

cjel - that's awful. I expected a 'welcome back' and rundown of work since I had been off but nothing except gossip and corporate threats. My work had all been left so now I have to do longer hours to clear the backlog of 2 weeks - must note that down too.

So it's normal for them to look a state and go through that after they have betrayed you then?

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Nov-13 23:54:21

Silent supporter here too thanks

It's only natural that you feel this way about your h well being at the moment. You've had many years together and it just shows what an amazing person you are.

You are taking tiny steps through that fog, you sound stronger than you did, keep taking those baby steps and allow yourself this time to know that you will feel different everyday, this is all ok and it's part of the healing process.

I've been in that fog like existence and come through the other side and you will too.

Surround yourself with RL support and take deep breaths when you're at work, only hope this woman never has to walk in your shoes, she sounds vile!

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:59:27

Thank you looksgood. It's always comforting to know that people have come through this terrible time. Still so unbelievable when I say my H has left me for OW. Things you never thought you'd say....

BlatantRedhead Wed 06-Nov-13 00:09:43

I lurked on your first thread as I don't really have much advice to give about your situation but I just want to say that you're doing really well What, even if you don't think you are. I'm cheering you on quietly from the sidelines.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 06-Nov-13 00:13:44

Very true.

What you are feeling now is similar to a bereavement and you will have all the same emotions.

It's so difficult to comprehend in the beginning how someone who you would lean on in a crisis is the person to have actually caused it. Takes your breath away. Utterly devastating and I feel so much for you at the moment and can totally understand the way you are feeling.

Just remember to allow yourself time and most of all be kind to yourself.

x

Just a thought but seeing as your boss is officially an arse wink & it sounds like you don't particularly enjoy your job or like the people there, is there any chance of you making tentative steps to look for a new job??

I know you have the world on your shoulders right now but a new job might just be a spring board for a new you & you could start again with nobody knowing that you've been through such awful time.

I always say there are three parts of your life; home, work & relationship. You can deal with one part being shitty but if two or more become problematic at the same time then it's very hard to see a way out.

Like I say, it's just a thought, tell me to bugger off if you like!

Whatnext074 Wed 06-Nov-13 06:52:51

I had been trying to get another job since the beginning of the year sadly without any luck. My H said after he left that put pressure on our marriage too - he knew everything at me!

I had one more interview after he left but I think this year I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to do my best in an interview. I know that I really need another job and hopefully next year, that will happen as it will really help me.

littlesunbeams - you are very perceptive. I totally agree with the nobody will know I have been through an awful time too.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 07:25:07

Morning what...

Hope you had a good nights sleep...or at least a few good hours.

Really hope today is better for you at work. Your manager is an arse! If she gets to you today just imagine all your MN cheerleaders holding up placards with "you are an arse" written on them...that will make you smile!

It is normal in my experience for them to look like shit and cry after betrayal...can you imagine how shitty it feels to know that pretty e regime in your 'old' life thinks you're a scum bag?? They're crying for themselves and IMO they look like shit because of the guilt...

Have a good day...deep breathes and remember the placards above her head!!!!! smile
X

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 07:25:46

* pretty much everyone....

Whatnext074 Wed 06-Nov-13 07:37:13

Thanks mamma. I thought I'd feel better that he looks terrible but it's really confusing me. It makes me wonder if he regrets what he's done, I would just like some remorse shown for me and our marriage rather than feeling that it's for him feeling sorry for him.

If he's such a state then surely OW wouldn't put up with that so early on? I know I'm torturing myself again and I thought it would be easier than seeing him looking great and moving on but his words don't seem to fit with his actions/appearance.

I just want him to say sorry to me for all the hurt he's caused.

Slept for 5 hours, better than usual x

captainmummy Wed 06-Nov-13 08:43:57

Hi what - found you!

Re the work/sick thing - I'm pretty sure they cannot do anything if you have sick time off. The fact that you've been off for 2 weeks is irrelevant - you've been signed off by a doctor, you have the right not to go in! If it happens again - you have the right to be signed off, and protect your job. It is your basic right. So dont worry about that. (My NDN has been off since march, sick. My sis is long-term sick - im talking years)

MissScatterbrain Wed 06-Nov-13 08:51:55

You need to stop trying to understand what is going on in his head and start to focus on YOU.

He is not thinking about what you are going through - you have been betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, had to take time off work, is on meds etc. None of this is your fault - what he is going through, he brought it on himself.

I agree he is simply following the script - that way he does not look like the bad guy and he gets to gain sympathy and attention.

I agree your boss is an arse and to keep a diary.

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