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Should we invite MIL to our wedding?

(40 Posts)
MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:04:02

I really need people's advice on this as we have no idea what to do.

MIL is toxic. We know this, she has done some pretty nasty stuff towards us, she is very selfish, shows no respect and plays the victim alot. The last straw was when i found out she'd been telling people/family i'd got an eating disorder (i have no such thing!)

That was a few months ago. We have cut contact and its been lovely.

For Christmas DH and I have decided to get married (we have been together for a few hundred years so I allways call him 'husband')
Nothing fancy, nothing big. Just a few close family members at the local registry office. We haved it for mid December!

So now..what do we do about MIL? We havn't spoke in a few months and she has made NO attempt to say sorry for anything she has done. No attempt to see her granddaughters [3 and 12 weeks]
I'm not prepared to sweep it all under the rug, again. Not this time.
So what do we do? Tell her? Invite her?
She and FIL will be the only 'family' DH will have on his side. Ive asked him what we wants to do and he's said he's not bothered.

Help!

Katrose Mon 04-Nov-13 20:09:07

Don't invite her. You don't want her to go and neither does DH. She's 'supposed' to be there, but equally she is supposed to be a loving and supportive member of your family.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 04-Nov-13 20:10:58

Don't invite her and have a great day.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 04-Nov-13 20:11:40

Don't invite her.

If it was a big do, then sure ask her to come and seat her on a different table.

But at a small, intimate wedding?

No, she'll spoil it.

namechangedforthis45 Mon 04-Nov-13 20:16:31

Hello

from bitter experience, no.

we had a very small wedding, and we agonised over what to do. DH wasn't bothered either but in the end we invited PILS to the church.

It made for a very awkward atmosphere as I walked down the aisle and it did taint by day. We felt it was the right thing to do, but its me who has paid the price. I felt her there and the tensions etc.

NO NO NO NO NO.

This was pre MN by the way, and a good friend tried to tell me not to have them there.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 04-Nov-13 20:18:52

Normally I say that weddings are one occasion when family should be present. But in your circumstances, I would not incite them, but tell them after the event.

Is anyone else invited who is likely to tell them about it before the day?

(Congratulations, by the way)

MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:19:06

Thank you smile

It's all abit of a mess. I know if we don't invite her we will have the 'flying monkey's' descend. FIL will ring/text about how upset MIL is..no consideration how she's hurt us in the past.
Our plan is not to tell anyone apart from the people invited then announce it afterwards...which is when the guilt trip will start.

It feels wrong inviting her as she obviously isn't bothered, but it feels like she should be there?

OTheHugeManatee Mon 04-Nov-13 20:20:36

No. Don't invite her. Make it a fait accompli - tell her once it's done. She can scream and wail but you'll have had your happy day by then grin

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 04-Nov-13 20:21:02

I know if we don't invite her we will have the 'flying monkey's' descend

Oh no - not the flying monkeys! shock

Best invite her then.

SanityClause Mon 04-Nov-13 20:22:44

Surely it's up to your DH? If he wants her there, you should probably support his decision, but I don't think you should try to influence him, either way.

MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:24:20

I don't think she will find out off anyone. It will just be a few family members from 'my' side of the family who will be going.
We're just going to ask them to sit on both sides.

We have arranged birthday parties and things around when it best for her, so no doubt if we do invite her she will be 'busy' but will somehow 'sort something out' like he's doing us a favour hmm

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Nov-13 20:27:23

If you don't think she'll find out, don't tell her! You want to have a lovely day - she won't let that happen. Don't invite her and don't tell her you're getting married, either.

MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:29:38

Dh has said he isn't bothered.
If he really wants her there then I honestly don't mind. Nothing will ruin my wedding day! smile

If he doesn't then that's also fine.

I just don't want him to not invite her because he thinks it's what I want.

DontmindifIdo Mon 04-Nov-13 20:33:40

I would suggest you say to DH again 'not bothered' is not an answer, it is 100% his decision, but he can't defer it to you. Tell him you don't mind if he'd like her to be there so he has to make the decision, tell him to take a couple of days to think about it and make the decision and you'll be happy with whatever he decides.

are there any people from his side, close friends that are more his than yours?

MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:41:40

No sad
DH's dad died when he was 15 and he doesn't see that side of the family, on his mom's side MIL has managed to fall out with them all so he doesn't see them either, and step FIL's side see us as the evil ones that have hurt poor MIL and stopped her seeing her granddchildren.

We have a couple of friends who are more DH's friends than mine but we wasnt intending on inviting them as we wouldnt know where to draw the line with inviting friends..and thats when it gets stressfull!

DontmindifIdo Mon 04-Nov-13 20:45:26

I would suggest you then pick a couple of people that are just 'his side' or best man and partner, or could you do completely eloping?

But, definately make it his decision to make, not yours. It's not fair that you have to be the one to make this choice.

MommyBird Mon 04-Nov-13 20:49:05

We could invite them, when we was planning a big do, He was going to be best man so they are already aware its happening smile

Anniegetyourgun Mon 04-Nov-13 20:49:11

What we, and my DB, did was to have a small, intimate wedding with only the immediate family there, and a big informal party afterwards for more or less everyone we'd ever heard of. That would solve the how-close-is-close friends dilemma. I don't see the need to invite MIL to either one, though. After all it's your DH's parent so if even he doesn't particularly want to see her, why force yourself?

BeCoolFucker Mon 04-Nov-13 21:03:47

No way should you invite her and don't tell her about it either - at least until afterwards.

Why would you even contemplate inviting your hater to your own small wedding? Esp as your partner isn't bothered and life has been lovely without her!

Have a lovely day. Drop her your 'news' in a Christmas card perhaps?

MommyBird Wed 06-Nov-13 12:14:15

Thank you for all the input! We have decided that we are not inviting her.
As we don't live very far from her (about 10-15 min car drive?) and once my nan knows, the whole world will know. She is 80. A right old gossip and cannot keep a secret.

so we're sure she will find out..
Is it better to come from us? Or just leave it and wait for the guilt trip?

Good decision not to invite her.
I would take the 2nd option - just leave it but no guilt trip.
You know she is horrible and toxic and although you say 'no-one is going to ruin my day' I can almost guarantee she bloomin well would.
Enjoy it and congrats!

BatPenguin Wed 06-Nov-13 16:26:40

I think you've made the right decision. My MIL hates me and ruined my wedding day, I don't think I will ever forgive her.
I wouldn't mention it to her at all. You said you don't have any contact with her anymore so why would you tell her? Doesn't sound like she'd be too thrilled.

kennyp Wed 06-Nov-13 16:36:37

if she's toxic then don't. i know that she's blood, blud, but don't invite the old bat. i WISH i hadn't asked my bitch of a narcissist mother to my wedding. sorry, our wedding., but i did. she flirted with the waiters, slagged off teh best man, and then asked my BIL on a date. for fucks sake.

my sister didn't invite me to hers and i'm sure she has no regrets!!!

MommyBird Wed 06-Nov-13 16:55:15

Thank you! smile
My dress arrived this morning so its quickly becoming real grin

I'm just worrying that if/when she finds out we will have guilt texts and being told how horrible we are and i just don't want that...plus finding out your son is getting married by someone telling her! Ouch.
No clue why i'm worrying about her feelings when she clearly has no regard for ours hmm

DH has also said that he can bet if she turns up she will ruin the mood and that will ruin the whole day.

Its's such a shame. She is missing out on so much sad

Meerka Wed 06-Nov-13 16:56:55

I had the same question about my parents. (no question at all about my beloved mil, she was def gonna be there!)

The way I decided was to imagine how I felt in 20 years time, given the past history with my parents and the immense hurt they caused.

I asked two questoins:

"would they improve the day or taint it?"

"in 20 years time would I regret not asking them?"

the answer to the first question was that they would taint it. the answer to the second, in the light of all the pain they have caused was "no".

Its only a few years on now, one parent has died and I certainly do not regret not asking her and I don't believe I ever will. At the moment I feel sure I wont regret not asking the other parent too.

Yes, Im still sure (so far) it was the right decision.

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