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How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

(203 Posts)
SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 19:54:02

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug sad. This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult sad.

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:10:04

Any one? sad

Bonsoir Mon 04-Nov-13 20:12:21

Try harder.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Nov-13 20:15:06

OK... when you say to someone 'I don't love you any more', that's a bridge-burning statement. As you've realised you can't say it, leave it hanging in the air and expect nothing to change. You therefore have to have a plan of action for what happens next. Do you want a divorce? Do you want to move out? Are you saying it because you want to make things work better?

There's no good way of doing it either. Just try to be humane. You've been thinking about this for a while and, even though your relationship isn't great, this will be a nasty shock for him

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:15:19

Um... thanks for that hmm

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:17:37

Thanks cogito. That's it exactly, I know me saying that is gonna be huge and horrible. I honestly don't think I can get the love back, my wish is to separate. I just know that it's gonna kill him sad

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 04-Nov-13 20:18:12

What are you hoping to achieve?

Do you want to split up? Wouldn't it be better to say, "we need to split."

If you don't want to split, it might be better to say, "we need to change."

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 04-Nov-13 20:19:14

Please be 110% sure that you want to separate permanently before you tell him this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 04-Nov-13 20:19:56

You've felt this way for about a year? Did something trigger it? Depression? Bad behavior? Big life changes or something?

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:20:41

thisis I've said it so many different ways in my head and they all just sound awful. I think me saying 'we need to split' may be worse as I just don't think he will be expecting it. I'm being so cowardly I know, this is just one of the hardest things I've had to do

Fridayschild Mon 04-Nov-13 20:20:52

Tell him you know things aren't right between you and suggest counselling to talk things through. If you separate it should help you split on good terms, which will be hugely important to your DCs.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 04-Nov-13 20:21:53

Blimey Bonsoir that was harsh even for you!

OP - can you look at it from this perspective? Your DH deserves to be in a relationship where he is loved passionately as well as respected as a good man and a father. If you can no longer do that, and you don't see it coming back again then you have to tell him so that he has a chance to find that with someone else.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 04-Nov-13 20:22:07

I don't think you should string him along or give him any hope if you are adamant it is over.

ALittleStranger Mon 04-Nov-13 20:22:25

Why did you marry him? (Given that marriage entails trying to make it work through the slumps as well as the highs)

And why are you set on seperating, not trying to make it work? Have you done anything to try and stop the rot over the past couple of years?

emblosion Mon 04-Nov-13 20:22:39

What cogito said ^

You need to work out what you want to change. If the marriage is over in your mind, you owe it to him to be honest. I do wonder if you could have an honest talk with him about not being happy you might be able to work on things together?

Things have to be out in the open for you to do that though.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 04-Nov-13 20:22:57

Yes what triggered this? Is there someone else?

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:24:23

thisis No, I don't think anything changed, I think we're just different people now. I married young and think maybe I didn't know back then what I wanted for the rest of my life.

mist I think that's what keeps stopping me, I guess I'm 95% sure.

fridays we have been to counselling before, almost 5 years ago and managed to get back to a good place. But, I didn't feel this way back then. Also, I'm not sure we got it quite back to what it was before.

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:25:25

Definitely no one else

emblosion Mon 04-Nov-13 20:25:55

Ah, cross posted. Agree that if your mind is made up don't give him false hope. Tell him things havent been right between you and you want to separate.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 04-Nov-13 20:26:13

what is the 5% of sureness that is missing ?

ALittleStranger Mon 04-Nov-13 20:26:33

Ah I see. I remain convinced the age of consent for marriage needs to be raised ten years.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Nov-13 20:27:01

I had this conversation with my friend not long ago. I asked her how she would feel if he told her he didnt love her anymore and wanted to split up and she admitted that she would be gutted. She said that the thought of him being "loved passionately" (to quote Ali) by someone else made her feel sick.

She realised that it wasnt him that she didnt love, but their life, the rut they were in, the way her life had no excitement anymore. She was fed up and wanted something exciting.

Its slow going but things are improving since she realised this. She has decided to have an affair.....with her own husband! They have had secret afternoons where they have taken time off work, kept the kids in childcare and gone out just to two of them or spent the afternoon in bed! Its really reminded her what it was like pre kids, when they first fell in love and more importantly why they first fell in love.

SoDesperatelySorry Mon 04-Nov-13 20:27:03

The realisation that he deserves more than what I can give him is what has spurred me on to admitting it to myself now. I just wish I could admit it to him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 04-Nov-13 20:28:10

Ok well if you've been down the counselling route before then it is unlikely to magically solve things this time around.

You just need to 'screw your courage to the sticking place' and tell him.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Mon 04-Nov-13 20:30:58

I have done this. It sucks, and he was very hurt. It has been a year now, although we did try again for two months in June/July - then parted again. We are living near one another and good friends, able to hang out with the kids and stuff. But I suspect he believes we will get back together, and I know he is sad.

I love him as a friend, but I don't fancy him and he drives me slightly crazy! But all my friends do, and I suspect I do them! Maybe he is right and he is the one for me, I just want to be on my own rather than in a bad relationship. I'm happier this way. It is shit that one of us gets to be happy and the other sad, but I was nigh n depression in that relationship towards the end, so something had to change.

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