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In Laws coming to stay

(17 Posts)
verabennett Sun 03-Nov-13 21:48:48

Background:
Much tension between the ILs and Dp/me over the past 6 years. Including non contact for 2. This is now never mentioned and so we can all pretend it didn't happen. (like a weird kind of gaslighting)

We now have DD3 and the ILs profess to want to see her. (has been a year since their last visit but hey).

They are coming TO STAY. On a friday (DP and I both work ft) so will be full on from the minute I get home. They have not stayed with Dp in the whole time I have known him, i think it's only because my dad was going to visit and they know he's stayed in the past. i may just be paranoid and suspicious. They are also only meant to be staying one night but already I can see issues with their 5 hour drive home.

Please help me cope. How do I get through it and present myself as A Good Role Model to dd?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 22:00:10

Keep telling yourself that it's your house, your rules and you're in charge. Suggest you keep them busy either with little jobs to do or planned activities rather than leaving them to their own devices too much. Start talking about their depature almost on arrival.... 'what time are you thinking of leaving in the morning so that I can plan breakfast?' etc... and make sure DP is in on the act.

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 03-Nov-13 22:15:07

You have to work as a team. One night is do-able. Stick to the script, don't be talked into a second night.

Do they have to stay with you? Is hotel / B+B not an option?

verabennett Sun 03-Nov-13 22:23:45

This is all good. Lots of activities definitely. Have told do he has to do/plan everything. Realistically this is not going to happen so I will have reserve plans.

Have also made tentative arrangements for Saturday eve so that will help.

Hotel or B&b totally an option. Better for everyone, I don't know why on earth they asked to stay. or why dp said yes.

Now, do I get rid of the spiders in the spare room?

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 22:27:43

why would you want to get rid of the spiders? the PIls may get to comfy if you clean itsmile

verabennett Sun 03-Nov-13 22:30:32

That's my fear Cj. That's my fear.

NumTumRedRum Sun 03-Nov-13 22:40:57

You have my sympathy. I have been informed (by mil) that she is coming for ds's 1st birthday. I haven't invited her, I've only just recovered from the last visit which was meant to be a weekend so she booked a train thursday to monday (!). And we're meant to be seeing them the following weekend. Not happy. I know what you mean about the gaslighting. No advice, haven't got my own coping strategy yet. hmm

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 03-Nov-13 22:46:21

What you need to do is not have a spare room. Either move to a smaller house or have more children so that all rooms are full.

Blondeorbrunette Sun 03-Nov-13 22:48:48

Make out you have plans for the next day so it's not convenient for them to stay.

After the birth of each of my children my mil stayed for a month. How I didn't end up on the six o'clock news at the time I don't know!

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 03-Nov-13 22:51:38

A month! Bloody hell.

If / when I am a MIL I am not going to descend on my sons and their partners. I will wait to be invited, not invite myself. And I will stay in a hotel.

elQuintoConyo Sun 03-Nov-13 23:02:22

When my DSis had both dc, my DM stayed for three months.
Poor DH fainted when I told him.
When we had DD, she visited for 3 weeks, over Christmas, didn't change a nappy, wipe a nose, make a cup of tea for anyone but herself it was horrendous.

nont one of the reasons DD won't be having siblings, oh no

elQuintoConyo Sun 03-Nov-13 23:03:37

Good idea Endo ^^ I may never visit, just Skype grin

How old are your DCs? Can you rope them in to entertain Granny and Grandpa as much as possible? Get some activities ready for DCs to bombard them with. Plan a walk in the morning? Easy to stagger/walk well behind so you limit your time with them. Get them to read lots of stories to DCs?

Plan easy meals - or even take away. Nothing worse than having to cook for people that make you stabby grin Unless you want to hide in the kitchen "doing a few bits".

Also as PP said - plan for jobs/help from them....ie "Please will you set the table/help the DCs set the table"../clear the table/wipe the tops down/take the dog for a walk/pop out and get the Saturday papers. Make it clear they are part of the family and not just honoured guests to laze around.

Def get the papers in. Including one they chose. Then if they are bugging you you can say "Right, now some me time, I am just going to read x section of the paper for a few minutes, help yourself to any of the other bits". Or you can get them out of your hair by offering them the supplements and saying "Here - take these and have a sit down in the other room, I'll be through in a minute". The Saturday Telegraph has a great General Knowledge Crossword in the "Weekend" section - use that to keep conversation non-personal and take up some time.

And if anything snidey said...repeat it back, smile, head tilt and say "Sorry, what did you mean by that, I am not sure I understand".

No experience of exasperating guests at all, honest grin

Blondeorbrunette Sun 03-Nov-13 23:36:05

Yip a month, and it was always on an open ticket. It was fuckin horrendous. I remember on my second u went to hospital for a sweep and on way back husband and I stopped and went for a walk. It was a beautiful summers day and I was sat on a bench pleading with my husband to speak to her.

Sorry to hijack op!!

Some brilliant suggestions here.

At the end if the day if it gets too much or you need a break you can leg it as they are dh responsibility as far as entertaining them goes.

I don't speak to my mil anymore, whoop whoop smile

FatOwl Mon 04-Nov-13 01:29:32

My MIL is about to come for three months. Yes, 3!

I posted on AIBU a while ago, and was told to put my foot down. I tried and tried, but unless I walk out myself, I'm going to have to deal with it.

DH insists she needs to come that long (we live overseas), she has no company at home (she does) and she will just fit it (she won't)
We've had all the conversations, me and dh don't agree and she's coming.

She's flying out with dd1 (who is at uni in the UK) on 15th Dec and when dd goes back first week of Jan, she's staying (open ticket)

She has stayed that long before (nov 2011-feb 2012) and I know what it will be like,
Every morning for three months I will come downstairs to find her sitting in my living room with handbag and a "what are we doing today?" look on her face.
She doesn't like the heat (we live in Asia), or shopping.
My other dds are 12 and 15 and she doesn't like the freedom I give them (ie I let dd15 meet friends to go to the cinema on their own).
She is a very difficult houseguest for quite an odd reason.....she doesn't want to be a bother. To the point that she won't even get herself a glass of water- not out of laziness, but that she doesn't want to get in the way in the kitchen. So I have to constantly watch she isn't getting dehydrated FFS. You'd think "oh bless" but really she is a fully fit 78 year old.

She witters on endlessly about people I don't know, people who died years ago and we never know, friends of friends at church, SILs kids school friends, but shows very little interest in my dds. DD just started uni, but I'd put money on her not knowing which uni she is at/what she's studying.

Sorry to hijack

verabennett Mon 04-Nov-13 07:20:25

1-3 months <faints>. I'd move out.

Thanks everyone, good tips. Particularly my house, my rules.

EldritchCleavage Mon 04-Nov-13 13:58:34

FatOwl, my maternal grandmother did exactly that when I was very small-about 5 I think. 3 months in the tropics with a difficult, passive-aggressive opinionated woman who didn't like 'abroad'. In the end, I lost my temper with her one day and shouted 'I don't like you! When are you going home?' Cat out of bag.

At that point my father stepped in to establish some ground rules to prevent complete family meltdown. Too little too late though.

So I say, don't placate too much, don't change your life too much, and don't bite your tongue too much. She's supposed to be joining your life for 3 months, not having you put all normal life on hold for that time.

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