Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this normal? Am I in the wrong here?(107 Posts)
Bit of background first, as I don't want to drip feed. I have been with my DP for four years and we have lived together for most of that time.
He's a lovely person with a lot of qualities and I am absolutely besotted with him. Sounds a bit sick inducing but I adore him and think that, with exception of what I'm about to say, that he could be my "one".
I have a couple of problems really. The first one is that he is still married. I found this out after a year and a half of being told he was divorced. Two and a half years later, despite lots of promises, this remains unchanged.
The second problem is sex. This is actually very hard to type as I'm quite a private person and I have only ever been with one other person and that was for a long time.
Is it normal that he always seems to be obsessed with it? Seriously, it's been less than 24 hours since we...you know, and all he has done is grab me and make comments saying how much he is looking forward to having a piece of me later.
He's been pressuring me to (I'm so sorry if this is tmi) do it in a certain way I am really not comfortable with and I have felt railroaded into promising him I will. I regret this.
Now I used to have a lot of issues around sex but being with my DP has hot rid of a lot of those as he is, on the whole, lovely and very caring.
I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.
Am I just pissing into the wind here?
On the plus side, he is loyal, very loving and caring, extremely generous and someone I would literally trust with my life.
Help!!! Sorry again for the tmi.
Be prepared for him to follow the script when you end it.
Either the crying suicidal begging and promising stuff,
or the angry sulking refusing to budge you-move-out stuff.
Either way, get him out of your hair.
Do not get pregnant before then.
You have a big lovely life ahead of you. Go live it, without this immature whining old fecker pawing and clawing at bits of you you'd rather tuck away in a nice pair of warm comfy sports pants.
Tell your friends about his need for anal too. Just so's they know.
So sorry grape
You sound lovely, and I'm sure that he does (at least appear) to have some nice qualities.....but he is sounding selfish, controlling and abusive here.
From what you've posted here, he doesn't respect you.
Once you've "allowed" him or "given in" to the pressure for anal sex he will not stop pestering you for it....it will increase. And, as you've done it once...maybe you'll be "frigid" if you object. (I have nothing against any kind of sex, but as everyone has said....it has to be desired by both people engaging in it)
There is absolutely nothing wrong or harmful with anal sex, it can be very pleasurable - but only when both people want to do it! It's certainly not a control thing - he wants to do it because it feels good for him. However, considerate lovers only do thing s that feel good for their partner too.
It is a huge concern that you do not feel comfortable or confident to say what you do or don't want to do.
I'm glad it's not the same bloke, but seriously, take a look at the red flags thread. I learned loads from it.
Sorry for giving you the chills
Unlikely it doesn't really matter what my opinion of the act is, what matters is that the op doesn't want to do it and that's ALL that matters. However that doesn't mean that spreading false information is acceptable.
However let's not derail this thread, if you want a debate about it start another.
You are more than a piece of ass.
Please get some self respect and walk away. You deserve better.
OP there are people in the world who will love you and respect your boundaries. This man is not one of them. In fact he sounds absolutely horrible. He gets off on pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. This is a man who would therefore enjoy partaking in a dextral act with someone who doesn't want to do it. I don't think it is a big leap from there to just someone who is not consenting.
Your body is your own love. Keep it that way. No man should ever make you feel otherwise.
He's married to someone else.
He grabs your breasts in front of children and calls you frigid when you object.
He speaks about you disrespectfully.
Yeah, he sounds like a real catch.
OP, these are the things that matter. These are the things that show his true character.
He wouldn't be my idea of 'The One', that's for sure.
You sound like a lovely person. Your self esteem is low because he has made you feel inadequate and weak. You are neither of those. Your body is yours. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I must admit I am a lot older than you but if I don't like a sexual act I won't do it - whatever. You are only young - I hadn't met the father of my children at your age. Dump the old fella and enjoy yourself with your friends for a few months. I promise you that you will so much better in a few months without this man draining you. If you need help in getting out of the relationship just ask there are so many experienced people in this site who will hold your hand. You will find that he will have no where to go but that isn't your problem. X
Hello OP, How are you? was last night ok?
It looks horrible when it's typed out because it ishorrible.
No matter how nice he is the rest of the time, the facts are :
- He is (apparently daily) pressuring you into a sex act that you do not want to take part in.
-He gropes you in front of his child, even though he knows that you find this distressing due to a sexual assault you suffered when you were a child.
-He uses sexually vindictive insults when you do not instantly give in to his demands.
-For over half of your relationship he was lying to you, and since you found out he has done nothing to rectify the lie or any damage done.
Abusers are generally not horrible all the time. If they were, they would never get started in relationships. Whether you consider your partner to be an abuser or not, he is behaving in a sexually aggressive way towards you.
grape flashbacks for me too! you say he's 'up for it all the time' does he try other ways to convince you? Start prodding at you while you're sleeping? Not let you sleep? Tell you his balls will explode if he doesn't get it? If you loved me you would? All of these are sexual abuse. along with the pressuring you into doing things you want to do, and calling you frigid.
Your question along the lines of 'surely people should have autonomy over their bodies?' really hit home. I'm fuming (on your behalf!) that you even have to ask this question. Yes each individual has autonomy over their bodies! You are allowed to say no. You don't even have to engaged, explain or anything else. It's no because it's no.
Start deciding on your own boundaries, and assert them. You should be able to tell from his reaction whether this will ever work or not.
You don't need to "have the chat" about undoing your agreement to have anal sex you know. Even in the context of a cohabiting relationships consent is something fluid that is constantly under negotiation. Even if you'd had anal sex with him once already and enjoyed it, he cannot assume that he can just slip it in there again next time without you demonstrating enthusiastically at the time that you want him to.
In a healthy relationship you are allowed to change your mind about sexual proclivities as often as you like.
There are huge red flags here. The divorce is certainly one. In the real world people often start new relationships before finalising (or even starting) divorce proceedings on their old one. But to live with someone who still has a legal spouse is not the wisest move. You have no legal rights and can be affected by the actions of the estranged spouse. But even supposing you were ok with all that, HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT. There's no way to explain that one away.
The groping is just sleazy disrespectful behaviour. Don't be fooled into thinking it's flattering that he fancies you so much he can't keep his hands of you. It's entitled behaviour, not desire. It's no different from expecting you to do all the housework - it's a job you do to service his needs. If it was about desire he'd get turned on by seeing you turned on, and turned off by seeing you repulsed. Instead, he wants you to take part in a sex act you find repulsive.
I'm sorry. Difficult reading I know. I wish you strength to get your head around it all and make a good decision.
he sounds a real catch and very loving and caring.
Seriously get rid and get out. He's not a nice person so don't kid yourself. Nice caring loving people don't treat their partners like that.
Another point is that right now thanks to the medication your just not into sex, it's not him or you it's the medication. He should be respectful of this and backing off not expecting you to lie back.
Thanks so much for your replies. Some of them have been very hard to read, that's good though. I didn't have a chat with him last night, I was knackered and went to bed.
Not sure how to approach it tonight. From his perspective, it's always been the same so why go mad about it now? Iyswim
There's no bigger turn off than pressure for sex.
You can use the medication as an excuse to start the chat - assuming your not ditching him.
So have all of the problems in your relationship reduced to the single anal sex issue?
His attitude is just not on. He has very little or no respect for you or he wouldn't keep badgering you for sex or asking you to do things you are not happy with.
It wont change, he's been doing it for 4 years. If you give in to his sexual requests (those you are not happy with) then he will badger you to do other things as you've already given in once. Sex should be enjoyable for both of you. Not you being pressurised to do things you are not happy with.
Do not let him walk over you.
grapelovingweirdo have you had any counselling for the assault when you were 14? It might be frightening to revisit the feelings that this created in you, but once you have properly addressed those issues I don't think for a minute you would put up with this guys behaviour.
He's a lying sex pest. What a catch.
He sounds like my ex. I was stupid enough to marry him and waste years of my life. Please don't make the same mistake. Honestly, when you meet a genuinely nice guy, you will wonder what on earth possessed you to keep trying to justify this relationship.
An ex wanted me to do something horrible sexually and kept trying to put pressure on me with the words, 'if you loved me, you'd do it'.
Obviously, I turned it around and said that if he loved me, he wouldn't ask me to do it, knowing it wasn't my cup of tea.
Just because you've agreed to do something, op, doesn't mean you can't change your mind. It's your body, you decide what to do with it.
Take care of yourself.
I'm still really struggling with this I'm afraid. I thought that us talking it through would help but he just gets defensive and tells me I'm just as bad as him if not worse.
I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
Have just got a little sarcastic with him and he's walked out and left me to get home from the pub alone.
I've given him ten minutes to come back and I'm going to finish with him if he doesn't come back. I am done.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.