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Is this normal? Am I in the wrong here?

(107 Posts)
grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 18:59:33

Bit of background first, as I don't want to drip feed. I have been with my DP for four years and we have lived together for most of that time.

He's a lovely person with a lot of qualities and I am absolutely besotted with him. Sounds a bit sick inducing but I adore him and think that, with exception of what I'm about to say, that he could be my "one". smile

I have a couple of problems really. The first one is that he is still married. I found this out after a year and a half of being told he was divorced. Two and a half years later, despite lots of promises, this remains unchanged.

The second problem is sex. This is actually very hard to type as I'm quite a private person and I have only ever been with one other person and that was for a long time.

Is it normal that he always seems to be obsessed with it? Seriously, it's been less than 24 hours since we...you know, and all he has done is grab me and make comments saying how much he is looking forward to having a piece of me later.

He's been pressuring me to (I'm so sorry if this is tmi) do it in a certain way I am really not comfortable with and I have felt railroaded into promising him I will. I regret this.

Now I used to have a lot of issues around sex but being with my DP has hot rid of a lot of those as he is, on the whole, lovely and very caring.

I just called him up on grabbing my boob in front of his 13 year old daughter and he called me frigid.

Am I just pissing into the wind here?

On the plus side, he is loyal, very loving and caring, extremely generous and someone I would literally trust with my life.

Help!!! Sorry again for the tmi.

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:00:45

I realise I'm not selling him well. A lot of this looks horrible when typed out

Shakey1500 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:02:19

Eek. It would a no for me I'm afraid. Lying about the divorce is bad enough but the sex thing is a bit "bleurgh".

Can't believe he called you frigid for not accepting (quite rightly) being groped in front of,well, anyone really but especially his 13 yr old daughter hmm

RandomMess Sun 03-Nov-13 19:03:55

How old is he?

NewtRipley Sun 03-Nov-13 19:04:17

anyone who calls a woman frigid is a dick, IMO

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:04:21

Early forties, I'm 28

NewtRipley Sun 03-Nov-13 19:05:09

Did he also say that in front of your DD? Nice message to convey to a teenager too..

cjel Sun 03-Nov-13 19:05:30

It looks horrible when typed out because it is horrible. Don't do anything you are not happy with . If you haven't yet don't - whatever he says.

RandomMess Sun 03-Nov-13 19:05:55

It's him, it's weird, creepy in fact.

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:20

No, sorry if I wasn't clear, I called him up on his behaviour when she went out of the room and that's when he said it. She's my dsd not dd. love her though smile

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:06:57

Oops x post, that was to newt smile

Vatta Sun 03-Nov-13 19:08:14

Red flags all over the place.

He's lied to you (consistently and over an important topic), he's pressuring you into sexual activities you don't want, he's behaving in a sexually inappropriate way in front of his daughter, and he is trying to turn the problem on you and blame you when you call him on it.

I would be out of there like a shot. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

I'd also tell his wife about the incident in front of his daughter - sexual behaviour in front of children is classed as sexual abuse and can be very damaging.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:10:14

His behaviour and language is not normal, it's not something I would tolerate and it's very, very worrying.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:11:52

Also, meant to say, whatever you do, do not do the sex act you don't want to do just because you promised you would. You've been manipulated and coerced in to it. In a normal relationship if one partner says no to the other's suggestion that's the end of it.

hoppingmad Sun 03-Nov-13 19:12:16

I agree with cjel. It his horrible behaviour. I also hate the word frigid. I think only a certain type of man uses it and it's when he's not getting what he wants.
It's up to you what you do but the things you've described would not be things I would tolerate.

grapelovingweirdo Sun 03-Nov-13 19:13:09

Thanks vatta, no it's not a case of whether I want to hear it or not. I'm a big believer in the fact that I've asked you lovely ladies for your opinion on something and should be prepared for what I get back.

I see red flags too tbh, in fairness...he did it discretely but I was very conscious that she was in the same room and it made me very uncomfortable.

I was sexually assaulted at school when I was 14 and, since then, will not tolerate being touched from behind if I don't know that person is there. It doesn't stop DP sometimes although he does try and remember. I think he thinks I'm weird with a lot of issues.

He's probably right, but don't we all have the right to autonomy over our own bodies?

Morgause Sun 03-Nov-13 19:13:27

It's verging on abuse as far as I can see. Red flags.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 03-Nov-13 19:13:58

It's not you, it's him.

A proper loving relationship doesn't involve being coerced into sexual activity that you don't want to do, nor being called frigid, nor being sexually groped in front of children.

Notmadeofrib Sun 03-Nov-13 19:15:04

You poor thing, it reads badly because it is horrible. What kind of man makes you do something frankly against your will?
Please please don't make this liar, bully, sex pest your 'one'.

TawdryTatou Sun 03-Nov-13 19:17:12

He sounds bloody horrible.

Sorry sad

Twinklestein Sun 03-Nov-13 19:18:04

Euuuch. How have you put up with this for 4 years? And why?

I was going to say don't let him pressure you into anything you don't want to do sexually, but honestly - just get out.

MostWicked Sun 03-Nov-13 19:18:40

I love sex, I'm all for spice and variety in that department, but it HAS to be a joint venture. No-one should pressurise anyone else to do things they don't want to do. You have to be honest with him, otherwise is it not fair on either of you. Tell him if something is an absolute no go. If you are unsure, tell him you are unsure, you might be able to take things slowly.
It does sound like you both have some issues around sex.

Groping in front of your teenager is completely unacceptable. As is calling you frigid. Both are rude and selfish things to do.

You need to have a very frank discussion with him because these issues will not go away by themselves.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 03-Nov-13 19:18:51

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds as though there is something wrong with him. His behaviour is far from ok.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 19:18:57

I think he thinks I'm weird with a lot of issues.

He should be making you feel listened to, safe and cherished. Not weird.

Moxiegirl Sun 03-Nov-13 19:20:22

He sounds awful.

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