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This is hard work (new thread EA update)

(63 Posts)
intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sun 03-Nov-13 13:41:03

Hi all. Starting a new thread to reflect 'new' start with DP - sorry, don't know how to link to previous thread. The short version for new readers is that my DP had an emotional affair, which is now over apart from one small thing, and we are supposedly reconnecting. I have been reading as much as I can, although it's hard to find uninterrupted time - there's always somebody wanting my attention, or more immediate jobs to be done eg tax return. DP has been having lots of early nights, so no adult talking has been done, and now he's ill. 3 days of a cold, groans, sighs, sniffles, coughs, and now his sinuses are playing up - steaming at 4am, hence more tired. Minor gigs are coming in for him, so a bit of extra income, but it's never good enough for him, so he practises more, complains that he's washed up, out of favour, etc etc - you get the jist. Oh and yesterday I changed my mind about something we'd planned to do do and got 'nothing I (DP)ever do is right!'
I want to talk about US, but he is all about HIM, and I never feel that I'll get a useful/helpful conversation if the time isn't right.
SO, any work I can do is on myself, and I've done a lot of reflecting about boundaries, especially in regard to previous relationships. I'm still looking for an appropriate counsellor for me (not convinced about Relate) - I think I need more than just relationship counselling - maybe something more deep rooted.
Apologies for the ramble - I'm ok, thanks to those who have asked, not great, but ok. have had long talk with ds and he seems more at ease.
Any advice about what else I could be doing greatly received.

Onefewernow Mon 04-Nov-13 23:33:53

What do you want, Inthedusk?

Can you say what you want to happen?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 06-Nov-13 18:54:14

OP, you jump back in to your thread(s) and jump right back out again without taking any of the advice on board nor telling us any of your true feelings about the situation

Then a few weeks later you do it again, then do the disappearing act

What is it you want ? (genuine question)

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 06-Nov-13 21:17:43

Hopefully the OP is busy giggling guiltily at that little book she downloaded.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Thu 07-Nov-13 20:20:34

The book was funny (reminded me of an ex from about 30 yrs ago!)
Sorry not to update regularly - difficult to get alone time on the pc. I tried answering what I want earlier today, but my phone was playing up and my long reply never got posted.
I want this all to be over, I want to be happy again, I want to trust and respect dp again and to feel loving towards him, because I'm very ambivalent atm. We had a lovely evening on Monday, after I said we needed some 'us' time, we sat together, his arms around me, he apologised for all the 'early nights' and that he didn't mean me to feel neglected. This was lovely but now I feel vulnerable and hurt again because I allowed myself to feel something. * mistall* I'm sorry if my way of dealing with this isn't to your liking - I hope I've answered your question.

Fairenuff Thu 07-Nov-13 20:47:23

It's just so hard for posters to understand your logic Faulk. A lovely Monday, wrapped up in his arms, him promising not to neglect you. Then Tuesday he goes to his weekly meeting with the ow.

How can you reconcile yourself to this?

All you want is for him not to see her. That is all you've asked for and all you've ever wanted.

I don't understand you Faulk, I honestly cannot see how you can tolerate this situation and let it continue like this indefinitely.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 07-Nov-13 20:51:38

I am similarly discombobulated sad

itsmeisntit Thu 07-Nov-13 20:53:04

Bet he thinks he is the dogs bollocks--2 females fawning over him.

What a player- what a twat. I find it hard to believe you could sit all cosied up to him knowing that he would be with the OW the next day.

He must be some catch for you to hang on so desperately. A man who is not prepared to put id DP first sad

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Thu 07-Nov-13 21:34:35

I think your reply is very understandable. You want to be back at a place before all this happened, when everything was simpler.

Unfortunately, you need your P's co-operation to get any closer to what you want. At the moment you are treading water, wishing what's real wasn't, and waiting for him to act.

If you were to stand up for yourself, tell him you will not tolerate this situation - and then act on that, then you would find out if there is any hope of salvaging your relationship, by how your P responds.

But the longer you sit and wait for life to happen around you, the longer P will have to get comfortable with the status quo - and the worse the prospect for your relationship is.

captainmummy Fri 08-Nov-13 08:42:59

Charlottecollins is right, faulk. You have been told time and time again that the only way to get some respect (from him; for yourself) is to get him to realise what he is throwing away. You haven't done that, for various reasons, but the point is still valid. Nothing will go forward (and will never go back) until he stops doing the one thing that is tearing you apart - Stop Seeing Her. I know you think he is not seeing her - but even if he is not, he is still not investing in your relationship. He is either mooning after her (if she is unattainable) or Still Seeing Her.

You want to trust and respect him again - you will never trust or respect him, until you know that he has chosen you. And the only way to do that, is to get him to choose; chuck him out and tell him not to come back unless he a)wants to, b) is prepared to go NC with OW AND c) prepared to give your relationship a lot, lot more.

Onefewernow Fri 08-Nov-13 08:58:42

Ok, Faulk, that's what you want. It's what most of us want when first faced with infidelity.

You want it never to have happened. But it has. And the strategy you have been trying since summer isn't working for you, from what you have said.

Also, your H has a bit if a nerve blowing hot and cold on you.

What extra steps or boundaries are you prepared to take?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 08-Nov-13 14:45:41

Earlier you were listing possible reasons for him being out of sorts, eg depression; SAD; mid life crisis.

If things seem to be improving, good. If you have his full attention, if he exerts himself to ask how you are, how your day was, what you'd like to do, good. If he makes a spontaneous gesture of affection before you do, good.

If you find yourself in a room with him and he's physically there but his eyes aren't showing any spark of interest, ask yourself what or whom he's thinking of. If you can't debate that episode with him for fear of him flouncing off or accusing you of going on about it, that's not really helpful. If you catch your breath any time he's late or his phone is not working, your peace of mind is AWOL. You say you love him, can you cope with that quiet dread of waiting for the axe to fall.

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 08-Nov-13 15:36:06

you know what I did? I spoke with no passion or inflection in my voice and such a low tone that he had to lean in to hear me. Just like he does. He mumbles, says "you what"? ALOT. So I used the precise tactics on him. When he said "you what?" I didn't repeat myself. I made myself sound as though I was discussing the price of bread. He was ery taken aback as he didn't retreat to his defensive position of silence and you have backed me into a corner.
Think I am to eloquent, verbally adept?
THen I shall say this in the simplest words I have available to me. He is an intelligent man but tends to choose when to be that.
What is there to "talk" about? YOu have discussed it all, what is happening now is simply raking over the remains. He has no idea what he is feeling so do not do it for him nor presume there is anything available there. The more you hunt for it, the more fog you are trying to herd. don't do this to yourself anymore.

tessa6 Fri 08-Nov-13 16:21:21

There are countless examples of people who feel the same and do the same as the OP when it comes to infidelity. Her actions are, I'm afraid, totally understandable and common. So common in fact that I'm starting to become convinced that there is a natural, sorry journey to these things (sometimes referred to more negatively as 'the script'). you can tell people all you want, but in the end THEY have to reach the end of THEIR tether before it changes. loss is too huge and fearful.

OP, you will keep having alternating 'fine' times and 'bad' times until you choose to put up with his continued relationship and repress all that does to you (which is the road you are on now). Or you insist he leave or leave yourself. That's all there is to it really. Without any sort of actual, lived consequence (outside of arguments and upset) no one really changes their ways. And especially not the narcissistic, dominant taking types that cheaters often are.

Deal with it how you like. And feel free to come back for support. But that will never change I'm afraid.

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