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Best Friend

(24 Posts)
brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 10:08:25

I've known her for years, we trained together, worked together and were single for years together.

We had a great friendship, did classes together, went on holiday together, shared work stress, had lunch every day.

Last year we met partners and were happy for each other. Out friendship continued the way it always did.

I got horribly dumped early this year and had lots of horrendous work stress. I suffered with a major depressive episode. She's never seen me.like that before, it changed me. I got over it, met another nice guy and got dumped again very quickly after about 2 months.

She has always been very judgmental about my relationships, not being sympathetic about it. Never mind the fact that her new bf was still married and couldn't get divorced or he would lose his visa and be deported.

I was kind sympathetic.and supportive and have been when she found out he would have to go back anyway and that might.mean the end of them.

I finally could stand it no longer when she was being so judgmental about my relationships and told her straight up at least I'm not dating a.married man who by definition couldn't commit to me. She didn't like it but i was so sick of her being so stuck up over a relationship involving a married man. but after that I let it drop and said.nothing again.

He also has two children back home that he does not financially maintain.

She decided to give up her whole life to move abroad with him.

I've just seen on.Facebook she's gone without even saying good bye. I remarked on it in a Facebook message and she hasn't replied.

Should I just unfriend her and never bother again. it is a shame.

notanyanymore Sun 03-Nov-13 10:10:30

i wouldn't do anything to be honest. step back and leave it be.

Theoldhag Sun 03-Nov-13 10:20:33

I second notany

Poor you broken I feel very sorry that your friend has done this, what a slap in your face sad, try to take your time to come to terms with this bereavement and be gentle with yourself.

It is always hard when we loose a friend in this manner, I hope that you have people around you irl that can support you.

thanks

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 10:27:14

That's really sad. I wouldn't do anything. It's highly probable you'll be in each others lives again at done point (she'll more than likely need your friendship again one day).

flowers

Walkacrossthesand Sun 03-Nov-13 10:32:38

Sometimes, in friendships, there's a very subtle power dynamic at play without you realising it eg the friendship is predicated on you not challenging/criticising the friend at all. Ever. You don't realise, because you get on well and there's never anything to disagree about - until one day there is, the friend doesn't like you not agreeing/supporting as usual, and 'pouff' - she's off. I doubt she'll be back, personally.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 10:34:31

Well if she needs my friendship. She will be unlikely to get it again.

She can rely on and put her faith in her man who has abandoned two children and lied about his marital status when he met her.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 10:39:52

I've noticed that for a long time and I always wondered what she would say if I ever criticised her life back. Now I know.

The.amount of time I.listened to her family problems, her parents divorce, her sisters problems etc etc etc.

When I need help....she did the fade out.

AllDirections Sun 03-Nov-13 10:41:23

That's so true Walkacrossthesand You've just described the ending of a few of my friendships over the years.

There are a lot of people who can dish it out but can't take it when you have anything to say that they don't like.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 10:45:55

So should I unfriend her on Facebook.

notanyanymore Sun 03-Nov-13 10:54:10

No.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 11:04:48

Why? I don't really want to see her pictures on Facebook.

RevelsRoulette Sun 03-Nov-13 11:08:57

Unfriend her if you want to. It really is up to you.

springylippy Sun 03-Nov-13 11:13:17

I don't know anything about fb (I know, I know) but can you sideline her account somehow so it doesn't automatically pop up?

I have/had a friend like this. I eventually tackled her and, like this woman, my 'friend' bided her time - which is chilling tbf. I recently had the most monumentally awful thing happen. She said 'ah well, pride comes before a fall'

Cheers, girlfriend hmm

ALittleStranger Sun 03-Nov-13 11:16:03

You can just hide her updates.

Theoldhag Sun 03-Nov-13 11:21:56

brocken there are no shoulds or should-nots, you do what is best for you. There is the option as others have said to hide her posts, you can always decide to unfriend her at another time.

Sometimes we just grow out of a relationship/friendship, sometimes we have to redefine our boundaries, none of this is wrong in anyway, it just is how it is.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 11:28:02

I don't know how to hide her updates. I don't use Facebook that much.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 11:32:19

Very true walking...there are a lot of people like that. You don't realise the friendship has been all 'take take take' until you need them.

I would hide her rather than block her on fb

Google joe to do it...it will be somewhere on the World Wide Web smile

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 11:32:32

* google how to do it....

For the FB problem, go onto her profile and put the curser over were it shows you are friends.

A drop down box will appear for you to put her in a category, "close friends, family" etc, if the "appear in news feed" is ticked, untick it.

Perhaps categorise your friends list so people you put in "acquaintances" don't appear in your news feed?

I am wondering if you went on the attack, because you had taken so much critism from her? Friends should be able to nip things in the bud before they get to that level, tbh.

If we ask for honesty about a situation, we should expect that, but we shouldn't have to "take" anything from those that are supposed to be close to us.

Decide whether it was a true friendship and what you both got (but primarily you) out if it.

I agree to wait before you decide as it is still raw that she has flited without a word.

AnandaTimeIn Sun 03-Nov-13 12:27:34

If I need to, I hide a person's posts when one comes up in my newsfeed by clicking on the arrow at the top right of it. You have the option to "Hide all from "Joe Bloggs".

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Maybe there was a reason she didn't let on in that she was "embarrassed" (to the outside world) to run off with a married man....

Like a PP says, treat it as a bereavement and be gentle on yourself.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 12:39:45

She just was really judgmental about my most recent dating experience. I slept with him early on an it didst last. She was judgmental about him and the situation. she said he didn't want me and just used me for sex. which wasn't.true as.we dated for a couple of months. She said you absolutely shouldn't sleep together until you're exclusive, she said that she wouldst have been comfortable with any of that.

She was being so judgmental I.finally turned around and said it could be worse: I could be seeing a married man who has abandoned two children. She was very quiet and started justifying her relationship. I said something about the pot calling the kettle black and left it at that.

brokenhearted55a Sun 03-Nov-13 13:47:51

I guess that made me a bad friend

wouldbemedic Sun 03-Nov-13 23:41:56

I think you were probably too much together before you got boyfriends. Sounds like you did everything together - that kind of friendship is lovely while it lasts - and improves your quality of life exponentially if you're both without significant others - but sometimes there's not much room to change as a person. And you're not always going to feel the same way about things so of course there will be times when your choices are open to criticism. It's sad that words have been said now that can't be taken back. I wonder if your friend feels so monumentally judged that she can't imagine being friends and continuing with the relationship at the same time. She may have been very judgemental towards you - but what you did wouldn't have been criticised by everyone who knows you. In her situation, what she's done was very controversial and it must have been a shock to find this flaming opinion so close to home. I don't get the sense that you recognise how hurtful this probably was for her. And yes, very hypocritical of her but she may be one of those people who think bossiness is a virtue. You sound like me when it comes to voicing dissent - nothing for ages and then an explosion. It's not fair, I know, but people seem to react very strongly to this.

I think you probably won't get the friendship back again and I'd hide her feed on facebook. Forget about childish stuff like deleting her, it's not the point. I'm not surprised she didn't reply to your message, given what you'd said. In your shoes, I'd write. You sound like you wish all this hadn't happened, so there's nothing wrong with expressing that. If you don't think she's a scarlet woman and if your words came out of hurt at not feeling accepted by her, say so. I wouldn't use the word judgemental. But perhaps explain that you should have expressed your anger at an earlier stage in a less hurtful way. To have any chance of getting the friendship back at some stage, I think it's important that you stress how happy you are that she seems happy, and that you completely accept that her choices are her own to make.

Retroformica Mon 04-Nov-13 01:52:36

Hide her updates but first message her to say that you hope she's OK and if she wants to talk just message you.

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