Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me before everything is ruined

(76 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 00:56:39

Please help me.
Background ds is 2.5 he is great going through the terrible twos but great, Been with dp not ds real daddy for 6 months and things have gone awful - he is literally still here because of me beggin him not to leave.
DS sometimes calls him by his name but daddy most of the time.

Its mostly my fault. I am very insecure and in a way controlling I guess - dp works and supports us he gives me money to sort bills etc etc, recently ds has been real hard work tantrums and laughing when getting told off and im at the end of my tether...my problem is I feel like im putting dp before ds - dp wants ds to know its wrong to kick etc and so do I but im more lax and he Is more strict - and more shouty than me. DS is pushing me to limits literally clenching teeth when I put him back in naughty corner for 6 millionth time

So, what roles should DP have after 6 months in terms of ds? What should I be expecting? What is a do and a don't? He shouts over the noise of his tantrum and explains what he done wrong and why he been in naughty corner and places him in naughty corner? I don't agree with hitting so we do not hit - I have smacked bum 3 times in the whole of his life in bad tempered shit headed rage but not hard and not to hurt. What the hell should I be expecting??

Help....

Also need to wean ds off calling dp daddy - ideas?

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 06:00:20

* responded honestly

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 05:59:59

It really wasn't a case of people taking your side it not. People responded h early about what you posted. Gosh is right, you now describe a totally different scenario. In your op you said dp is "shouty" and "shouts over the tantrum". You say that you feel as if you "put dp before ds" Nd that you smacked his bum "in a shit headed rage". If you had posted that you're happy, ds has never been happier Nd dp doesn't shout, as you gave done now you'd ha e hot an entirely different set of responses.

If you still find ds's behaviour a challenge (which all toddlers are at done point) please do speak to a chd tend centre or sure start- they're pretty good in my experience and I've asked for advice before a d found them to be helpful.

Good luck x

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 06-Nov-13 04:25:03

So why post if everything is actually fine and lovely?

People can only respond to what you have written and your first and last posts describe completely different circumstances.

LittleBlondeNinja Wed 06-Nov-13 03:12:47

Lots of responses to read. Thanks to everyone who stuck up for me there very much appriciated.
I think you all have this image in your head after my post of dp screaming at ds where as thats not the case when i say shouting i mean being stern not actually shouting/yelling sometimes i have to shout at ds to actually get him to stop doing something dangerous - sat on toilet having a wee the other day and ds decided he wanted to stick fingers in plug socket outside bathroom door used stern but nice words of ds name no do not do that it will hurt you he didnt listen so in the end hsd to shout ds name stop get away frm there now!! Dp doesnt shout in a aggresive way its normally to get his attention when he is either trantruming or going to hurt himself or someone else and nothing else works... must stress ds is not scared of him at all. Talked with dp who agrees we need to explain things to him as to why we are tellin him no eg. No ds name you musnt smack mummy because yiu will hurt me ect instead of going in very stern. Think things have got very hard for us recently with money work and eviction notice because of false accusations and we have let ourselfs get bogged down.

no i shoudlnt of had to beg him to stay and maybe shoild of let him go but ive never seen ds as happy with someone as when he is playing with dp building things etc and i am also happy.
Ds real dad was a horrible person as answdr to other persons question.

the whole smacking thing was a shock tactic more than a hurt tactic but literally 3 seprate times a light tap thru a nappy is nothing!!! He didnt even nnotice 2 times and laughed 1 time which proved to me that smackin wasnt going to work.

lots of good tips and advice on here so thanks and also lots of shit.... for all those who slated me i bet your not so perfect yourselves. I am human. I have feelings. My ds is not abused nor scared stlared nor have i put him in dangerous situation as dp has been family friend for years otherwise he woudlnt of been lving with us yet etc..

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:53:21

Well if course, everything we base our ideas and opinions on is 'in our experience' isn't it.

I'm certainly not scrapping either...just disagreeing and discussing an issue.

I actually think most people on here have been in agreement with regards to the background info of the relationship and the fact the op should perhaps ask for help with the child's behaviour.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:45:39

I didnt mamma I said " in my experience" I didnt say all and im not about to start scrapping with a stranger on an internet forum hmm in my world thats not how well adjusted people behave.

Personally I wouldnt move in a man I had been seeing for 6 months and I certainly wouldnt be allowing him to discipline my child...again personally

I do suspect that the DS challenging behaviour is as a result of this and I really cant offer any advice there as its not a situation I would have got into myself or have any experience of. But its not uncommon so I am sure other people can offer advice regarding that.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:32:52

And again...who said because you oppose shouting and smacking that you're a "reasonable" type with badly behaved kids???

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:32:00

* who's

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:31:43

It might be common in your world for a man whose known a child for 6 months to be shouting at him but not in mine. The op herself was worried about it enough to post ffs.

Lazyjaney Mon 04-Nov-13 17:00:53

"O.P's response to people's very well placed concerns"

More like sanctimonious superior parenting displays bynthecself declared "well adjusted" IMO - and the stereotypical badly behaved brat with the "reasonable" parents is a stereotype for a reason.

The OPs issues are all with her relationship, either of them losing it with a tantrumming toddler is common and a complete sideshow.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 16:57:13

Absolutely. I totally agree with you. Most of the people who expressed disagreement with the smacking and shouting also offered advice and suggestions of children's centres/ sure start/ hv.

Sing songy voices in a supermarket aisles are just as ineffective as a snack- agreed. There's lots that come in between obviously.

Yes- absolutely agree with patient if a saint comment but must parents manage with an inward 'scream', a sigh, walking away and counting to ten, we've all been there but bloody hell a grown woman or man should not be provoked into smacking a little boy. Lets be honest, it sounds as if the little boys life has seen some big changes in the last 6 months...suddenly has a new adult he has to share his mummy with, a new adult disciplining him etc etc. no wonder he's behaviour might be a little challenging right now.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:50:23

mamma I would not class myself as "pro" smacking but im not about to jump on someone asking for help

If I saw someone whacking their child in the supermarket I would be hmm

Just in my experience the people who have the worst behaved children are the ones reasoning with them in the middle of a supermarket aisle in that annoying sing song voice - children arent always reasonable it does sometimes take the patience of a saint to avoid being provoked by them.

If the op is feeling provoked by a 2.5 year old then best she get some help and learn some coping techniques before he hits teendom and gets really difficult to handle.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 16:06:21

Agreed gosh.

It does annoy me that some posters seem to think that people opposing smacking must be liberals allowing their kids to run wild....what there's no alternative inbetween??

I actually think the vast majority of parents manage to control their frustrations with terrible twos without smacking and shouting. Gives you grey hair trying to keep your temper but most well adjusted people manage it. It doesn't make you a 'fluffy' parent.

GoshAnneGorilla Mon 04-Nov-13 16:01:08

Lazy - the OP is financially dependent on a man who she repeatedly has to beg to stay, a man whose idea of discipline is to bellow at a toddler.

O.P's response to people's very well placed concerns is to resort to insults and now claim everything is fine and "life just happens".

This is not a good situation, in fact it is a very good illustration of why an unrelated male in the home can be very dangerous for children indeed.

Stating that shouting at toddlers and smacking them is not likely to get the results you want does not make you a "fluffy" parent.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 14:12:00

I think part of the issue is its a man who has known the child for 6 months shouting at the 2 year old.

Lazyjaney Mon 04-Nov-13 13:59:51

IMO the OP is getting harshly judged here, she is hardly the first to lose it totally with a toddler, and this is hardly the first or last family to resort to smacking or shouting in extremis.

The terrible twos are probably the most challenging time for any parents, and doubly so with a step parent newly thrown into the family dynamic, so some slack needs to be cut there too, diving straight into abuse accusations is just scaremongering.

Also ignore some of the more "look at my perfect mum credentials" advice here, at least you are disciplining your child, which is something that many of the fluffy types won't (or can't) do. A toddler doesnt have to be treated as a little emperor with the whole family turning somersaults, the parents - including a step parent - have some rights too.

So I think forgive yourself the momentary lapses of reason with your DS, the big thing to sort out is the future of your relationship with DP. If you are having to beg him to stay that's probably a good sign that it's time to let him go, at least from living with you full time. IMO it's very hard getting a new step parent involved at the terrible twos and making it work.

It does sound to me from what you write that this toddler is worse than average, now this could be due to your relationship issues but may be something else, might be worth having him checked out.

OP: was your DS' father abusive? If he was the sort of violent abuser that you have no contact with because he's so dangerous, it is sad but unsurprising that you have picked another abusive man who is, well, less openly dangerous than the last one but still a shit.

Dahlen Mon 04-Nov-13 13:24:16

Your DS is probably being difficult precisely because of the dysfunctional relationship you have with your boyfriend.

OP, you're a single parent. I am too. So are lots of others. It comes with many joys and advantages IMO but I'm not going to patronise you by denying that there are times when it is very difficult and frustrating, especially when DC are very small and so utterly exhausting in their demands. I understand why you're reluctant to kick out your boyfriend and the support you're getting from him, because that is what it feels like to you - despite the fact that to the rest of us it's clear getting rid of the boyfriend is part of the solution.

Unlike a lot of people, I don't believe there is a correct timespan to introduce new partners. A lot depends on the relationship and the frequency with which you see each other. Leave it too long, for example, and you run the risk of being so invested in the relationship that you overlook any problems made apparent when your partner meets your DC. Far better IMO to introduce DC and new partner quite soon into things, but always making sure it is kept infrequent and very casual - i.e. just another not-too-close friend of mummy's (albeit children know the difference between platonic and sexual friends). That way you can back out at any moment with nothing more than some idly curious questions from your DC and no hurt feelings. Although you'll always find people for whom it's worked out well, it is never going to be a good idea to play happy families within a few months of meeting someone. Not least because if you're unhappy, it's a lot harder to end things if you feel dependent on someone even if you know they're no good for you. Something you're now experiencing first hand.

I'm a great believer in parents being individuals as well as parents. It is good and healthy for children to grow up seeing their parents with a life of their own - friends, job, hobbies, etc. I'd include a relationship in that, regardless of whether it's between both biological parents or with a new partner. But - and it is a BIG but - as a single parent with no involvement from the biological father, you have all the responsibility for your DS, and his needs must come first before your need for a relationship while he is so young. No one is saying you can't have a relationship, but if you want to be a good mum your relationship must not detract from your relationship with your DS. Right now it is.

The time and energy spent on trying to keep your boyfriend would be better spent on finding coping strategies to deal with your DS. Try some parenting classes. Going on them is in no way an admission of being a bad parent; it is a statement that you're a caring parent who wants to be a better parent.

Having your BF spend so much time with you is actively undermining your relationship with your DS because he is getting conflicting messages from both of you and seeing your attention taken away from him and focussed instead on your BF in an unhealthy manner. The likely response to this is resentment to your BF, or possibly even a preference to do as your BF wants rather than you as he recognises that BF is the one who calls the shots.

You can't keep your BF because you rely on him financially and because you're at the end of your tether with your DS. That's no basis for a relationship and you and your DS are worth more. I'd also pretty much guarantee that if you ended things with your BF and became independent of him financially, your self-esteem would improve and your relationship with DS would improve too.

lemonstartree Mon 04-Nov-13 13:11:57

you sound as though your life is rather out of your control. You partner pays the bills. keeps threatening to leave, shouts at your child... what do you want in all this. You say you don't want you son to call DP 'daddy' - well he learned it from somewhere - and at 2 he learned it at home...

you do come over rather aggressive, angry and defensive, are you very young ?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 12:52:07

Do you hit your children then bluesky? Genuine question? Why is that people who are opposed to smacking must be liberal with badly behaved kids or angelic kids...here's a thought, maybe they're ..just people who don't want to hit their children. I've walked out the room and done 'silent' screams...anything to vent the frustration but I choose not to hit my children.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 12:04:55

Wow reporting someone who is asking for help - nice (why not try to help, I dont think this situation is hopeless)

It is a matter of trying different things to see what works - my reaction to tantrums was always just to say "You shouldnt do x, y or z" and then ignore. It is hard but you do need to get on top of this while he is still small and manageable or this will make your life hell.

Try talking to your Health visitor, it may be that your ds is just unsettled that you have moved your partner in so quickly and is just challenging for attention.

You and your partner need to discuss how discipline happens - we are unified, we give warnings and support each other if we take away xbox, tv etc (obviously older children)

They will provoke you to the edge if you let them - my oldest was shouting in my face this weekend and threatening to shut a door on my body....its just a matter of overrulling the (sometime strong) desire to respond in kind with deep breathing and calm thoughts.

I dont understand what kind of children the judgypants parents have they are either naturally very well behaved or they must be the kind of liberal parents with nighmare do what they want children.

lunar1 Mon 04-Nov-13 11:42:03

You come across as someone who is making excuses and passing on blame. You also seem very aggressive and quick to temper in the way you are expressing your self on here.

Take a step back. The report about you to mumsnet won't go anywhere, but if I knew you in real life and you told me you hit your toddler 3 times in a shithead rage or however you expressed it then I would ring ss about you.

You need to get help, and not be living with someone and depending on someone who you have known for such a little time. You also need to get rid of the dog. You can't manage your child, he is hitting the dog and pulling its ears. The dog will probably eventually bite your son, maybe even injuring him enough to need major surgery. That will be your fault, not your sons or the dogs, but the dog will be pts and you son will be scared.

You really need to start taking responsibility and stop making excuses.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Mon 04-Nov-13 11:31:42

OP you know this is unhealthy. You've posted about your relationship before, so the problems between you have been going on almost from day one really.

You're clearly lacking in self esteem. A shit relationship will make it nose dive even more.
Begging him to stay when he wants to go is doing nothing for your self worth. Relying on him for money for bills and trying to create 'a little family unit' so soon is worrying. You barely know him as a partner, that takes time. Even if you knew him as a friend before you started seeing him, he can be a totally different kind of partner. Introducing your son into this at this stage was a bad move, moving the man in was a terrible one but you know this now anyway.

He might be staying with you out of pity if you've been begging him. Do you really want that?

The first step to sorting this out is to let him go, book some counselling sessions for your self esteem and get advice on how to deal with your DS's behaviour.

TBH I think once you are shot of this relationship and get help to deal with why you're allowing a situation like this to arise, you will be able to deal with your DS in a better way.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 11:12:19

Don't think it's judgy pants to say you don't agree with smacking and it shouldn't happen- ever. If it does happen there's a problem.

Each to their own and all that but smacking a very very little boy is not on. If it makes me a judgy pants that's a title I'll wear happily.

Madlizzy Mon 04-Nov-13 11:08:28

don't stay with this man just because you're scared of being on your own. you're doing yourself a disservice if you do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now