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Please help me before everything is ruined

(76 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 00:56:39

Please help me.
Background ds is 2.5 he is great going through the terrible twos but great, Been with dp not ds real daddy for 6 months and things have gone awful - he is literally still here because of me beggin him not to leave.
DS sometimes calls him by his name but daddy most of the time.

Its mostly my fault. I am very insecure and in a way controlling I guess - dp works and supports us he gives me money to sort bills etc etc, recently ds has been real hard work tantrums and laughing when getting told off and im at the end of my tether...my problem is I feel like im putting dp before ds - dp wants ds to know its wrong to kick etc and so do I but im more lax and he Is more strict - and more shouty than me. DS is pushing me to limits literally clenching teeth when I put him back in naughty corner for 6 millionth time

So, what roles should DP have after 6 months in terms of ds? What should I be expecting? What is a do and a don't? He shouts over the noise of his tantrum and explains what he done wrong and why he been in naughty corner and places him in naughty corner? I don't agree with hitting so we do not hit - I have smacked bum 3 times in the whole of his life in bad tempered shit headed rage but not hard and not to hurt. What the hell should I be expecting??

Help....

Also need to wean ds off calling dp daddy - ideas?

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 01:57:32

After 6 months he shouldnt have met your boyfriend, never mind this man having any role in his discipline.

I know how hard it is to be a single parent, but do not just throw your self in with any man just in order to not be alone. Finish your relationship and you will probably find that you and your son are a lot happier.

PS. what on earth is a 2.5 yr child doing that he needs the naughty corner?! Stop that for a start.

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 01:58:16

None of you are happy, why put your son through this?

agree with bogeyface.

don't worry about dp stop begging him and do whats best for your ds. six months isn't much of a history to let go of.

viperslast Sun 03-Nov-13 02:14:44

Stop putting dp first. Being a parent is tough enough without trying to be the parent someone else thinks you should be! Your child is barely more than a baby and is now learning right and wrong, he won't learn by having it hammered home at this stage because they are also learning to resist and to assert themselves.

Honestly, if your dp is having to be begged to stay after 6 months because of a 2.5yo child they are probably not cut out for the long haul. Wrt the daddy thing just gently correct him and ensure you never use it yourself, he can only have got it from yourself and your partner so ensure your partner does the same.

lunar1 Sun 03-Nov-13 02:34:58

You are far too dependant on what is basically a new boyfriend. How have you got to the stage within 6 months that you are living together and relying on his money for bills. You need to find your own identity

LovesBeingHereAgain Sun 03-Nov-13 02:40:08

Why is he calling him daddy?

This all seems to have happened very quickly. There is no point in shouting over a tantrum, they can't hear you and certainly son take anything in.

At 6 months it's not your dp's place to parent his way he doesn't get to tell you how to parent.

He shouldn't even be in his life after just 6 months.

You need to cool this down drastically and immediately.

Tbh, it doesn't sound great for any of you. Can't you pay bills yourself?

sugarandspite Sun 03-Nov-13 02:43:46

Just a slightly different perspective from me (although agree with above posters).

My DS is also 2.5 and a pretty average kid. He wouldn't have any clue what the naughty corner was all about - I'd probably have more success with my dog. He is like a small rather crazy tyrant exploring the world with very little idea yet what's right and wrong and even when he does know something is naughty, he rarely has enough impulse control to think it, want to do it and hold himself back from doing it. He's really still quite a large baby.

So DH and I don't punish, we explain why we don't do things (sometimes in a very serious voice) and then we distract him / physically remove item or move him to another area so he is not being given opportunity to do the naughty thing.
Shouting at him just teaches him that that's a good way to behave and he'll listen to you less.

It doesn't sound to me that you want to manage / discipline your DS like this. So don't. You're his mother, anyone else (apart from his father possibly) has to follow your lead in parenting him.

Please stand up for your child and how you want to raise him.

JeanSeberg Sun 03-Nov-13 03:04:06

I've reported this OP - smacked his bum 3 times in bad tempered shit headed rage? Wow.

You've reported it? Why? What on earth do you think MN can or will do?

You don't need to shout or really discipline a child that age. You just need to show love and compassion. There is no such thing as a naughty child. Children just react to their experiences and experiment with their world. Talk to you son all the time and explain things. Use distraction to avoid situations, cuddle him a lot, make sure you get out everyday so he can expell energy. Deter your partner from shouting as it's not helpful. Single parenting is hard.

Chottie Sun 03-Nov-13 03:29:15

Dear OP - your DS should be at the centre of your life. Please do not allow your BF to bully you and your DS. This man does not sound like a keeper on any level - let him go now......

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 03:47:43

Reported it?! Why?

Its MNHQ not social services you are contacting, or do you not get that?!

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 03-Nov-13 04:39:23

This is too much, way too soon after only 6 months.

The begging him to stay part is a huge red flag.

As is your boyfriend just shouting at your DS. He's not going to understand the shouting anyway. Is your boyfriend constantly pressuring you to be stricter and frankly, to be more unkind to your DS?

With two year olds, it's more about keeping them occupied, steering them away from things they shouldn't be doing, rather then heavy handed discipline. Tantrums are best ignored, they soon get bored and snap out of it.

So keeping stuff you don't want them to touch out of the way, making sure they get lots of chances to burn off energy each day, things like that.

What do your friends and family think of your boyfriend?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 03-Nov-13 04:48:51

This is worrying and sad

Get rid of your boyfriend and do not move anyone else that quickly into your house

Do not accept money from a man - it makes you beholden to them. Fine when you've taken things slowly and they have eventually moved in but not in these circumstances

Do not - leave your boyfriend unattended with your DS. He does not appear to have appropriate childcare skills

Featherbag Sun 03-Nov-13 05:12:19

I agree with previous posters - after 6m you should only just be thinking about introducing your boyfriend to your child, and then only if everything was going well! Put your child first FGS, this man is not a permanent fixture! Throw him out, then get in touch with your HV and ask for some support.

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Nov-13 05:19:48

Dear me.

Agree with everyone else. Why on earth is a bloke you've been dating for six months being called daddy by your toddler, and basically living with you? It's much much too soon.

Listen to the posters above about how to manage your son's more challenging behaviour (and believe me I know 2.5 year olds are challenging, my second child is that age and mini tyrant is an apt description).

If you're begging you boyfriend to stay clearly things aren't marvellous between you; six months in things should be marvellous. Honestly, it's only downhill from here.

Ditch the boyfriend; get yourself to sure start. Stay on mn. Build a network of supportive friends. Do not allow any "daddy" crap with the next guy you date. Put your child first.

SavoyCabbage Sun 03-Nov-13 05:42:17

Really, Bogeyface has summed it all up. Nobody is happy here.

It sounds like everything has moved far too quickly. You and your boyfriend haven't had time to build the relationship between the two of you without talking about gas bills and parenting styles.

FolkGirl Sun 03-Nov-13 06:48:18

Agree with everyone else.

I haven't nothing to add, this is shocking and very sad. sad

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 07:48:32

A 2 and a half year old should not be put in a naughty corner 6 times. He shouldn't be smacked (I'm horrified). He shouldn't be shouted at, especially not by a man he's known for 6 months.

Did you post before?? You referred to yourselves as 'a little family' after 6 months. Is this the man who tried to end it but you asked him to stay? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 07:52:47

Gosh has explained it well in her post above...

You do t need to discipline a 2 year old- they are not naughty as an older chd might be. They're scoring the world. When he's doing something you've to him not to, distract him. "No, mummy told you not to do that...come on , lets play with this...wow !!! Look at it, come on open the box, lets get stuck in!!!!"

Do you reward good behaviour?? Do you actually spend enough time with him without your boyfriend of 6 months there?

cloudskitchen Sun 03-Nov-13 08:01:22

If anyone but me tried to discipline my child they would be out of the door before their feet could touch the ground!

As others have said, you seem to have got yourself into this position very quickly. I would cool it down a whole lot. Live separately. Date! and then work out if the relationship is going to work with you and your son. Your son needs to have top priority.

Regarding smacking. Please don't. Especially not because you've lost control. He is only little. There are many other ways of teaching right and wrong!

Childrenofthestones Sun 03-Nov-13 08:07:36

"I've reported this OP - smacked his bum 3 times in bad tempered shit headed rage? Wow."

Is that how it works round here? Wow.

I just came back to see if the op had even back and have re-read the posts. I don't know if she she will come back now given she has been judged severely. She did ask for help because she recognised it was needed which is really a massive step. OP if you are reading I hope you are your ds are ok.

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