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Would you admit to an early indiscretion?

(88 Posts)
Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 14:48:54

I started dating a man about six months ago. It was nice, we laughed, had things in common, he's very warm and made me feel good. But I never had that moment of thinking he was someone I really wanted to be with and he lacks a couple of points I'd always considered essential in a partner. So when someone else asked me out I started seeing them too.

Things have progressed with my boyfriend but the second man was always more of a bit on the side. The issue is we slept together a few times, mainly before me and my boyfriend were "exclusive" but once afterwards. The issue is now I realise my friends were right and my boyfriend was "a grower". I'm still not sure we'll end up happily ever after etc, but I love him and want to allow myself to see what happens.

But he knows nothing of this other man and thinks I was totally single from day one. Part of me thinks this is fine and often happens but I'm aware that he doesn't have the full picture so is basing his feelings on an inaccurate picture of me.

Should I tell him so he can make an informed decision, or keep quiet and see it as all water under the bridge which won't happen again?

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:16:45

You didn't cheat because there was no promise of commitment.

Loopy there was promise of commitment. And OP has already admitted she cheated.

OP as you are ok with this, I suggest the best course of action is to speak with your boyfriend and tell him that, having thought about it, you are not actually ready to be exclusive, so he should feel free to sleep with others and you will too if you want.

That way, even if you don't confess that you have already cheated, you will at least be honest with him about how your see your relationship.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 16:23:13

"I mean it kindly ffs!!"

No you don't, you hypocrite. grin

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 16:23:17

There was one incident after she promised exclusivity ,which she now says was something she agreed to but wasn't completely sure about.

On the Richter scale of infidelity and cheating this doesn't even register.

I seriously wonder what sort of lives people lead and what goes on in their heads if they think this is cheating and then hurl insults at the OP for something that is really nothing, in the grand scheme of relationships.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 16:24:51

Well lots of people don't want to stay in relationships with people who only cheated on them once.

But this poor fucker isn't going to get the chance to make that decision.

Because he'll do for the moment.

Unless a richer man who's good at sex comes along.

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:26:09

Out of interest Loopy, who has hurled insults?

Are you seriously saying cheating doesn't count if you only do it once? I'm afraid there are many people who would disagree with that.

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 16:29:43

I'm not going to waste my time engaging in this other than to say
IMO she didn't 'cheat'. That in my opinion is a term reserved for a long term exclusive relationship. Not one which was in its infancy and it happened within the first few weeks. And even if it was 'cheating' in some people's eyes there is nothing to be gained by talking about it now.That's all I have to say on the matter.

Fairenuff Sun 03-Nov-13 16:34:45

Yes I know I cheated, I don't need sodding hynosis or something to work this out. I cheated, it feels like there is nothing to gain in telling him, It's not eating away at me, therefore I'm keeping schtum.

I think the OP is clear now about what happened and is happy to call it what it was. She's made her decision and she's left the thread.

As I said, dumping her guilt here is the easiest way for her to handle this. She obviously didn't want any actual advice. We have all served our purpose and she can move on. Job done.

peggyundercrackers Sun 03-Nov-13 16:40:42

I would tell him. turn the tables for a minute though - how would you feel is he was shagging around behind your back when you were meant to be exclusive?

4x4 Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:40

In my book not married = single . No oaths were taken and no rules broken but keep it to yourself to preserve your dignity .

toffeesponge Sun 03-Nov-13 16:47:49

You are finding it really easy to keep a secret from someone you say you love. Be honest about how you would feel if he did the same and told you 2 years down the line? Really feel okay because you did the same or telling yourself that as it gets you off the hook?

So many people cheating and not being open at the beginning of relationships when surely you are all loved up?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 03-Nov-13 17:19:24

I see a world of difference between someone who has agreed 'exclusivity' going out, meeting someone new, having sex with them; and someone (as here) who had an 'ending' and a 'starting' relationship which overlapped to the tune of one last shag while the 'exclusive' relationship was growing. She's now made her choice; her current relationship isn't threatened as it would be if she were still out on the pull, and isn't that what's important, when all's said & done? We all have a past...

wouldbemedic Sun 03-Nov-13 23:51:05

I'd tell him because what do you have if you don't have trust? How likely he is to find out is irrelevant. I personally couldn't be with someone knowing they might dump me if they found something out about me. That's ...cheapening love. And if someone did that to me, reasoning that they'd only hurt me by telling me, I'd find it incredibly patronising and self-serving. He has a right to know and make his own choice. But I don't think he's going to.

HogFucker Mon 04-Nov-13 01:39:23

Just tell her.

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