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do i stay or do i go ?

(76 Posts)

DP and I have 2 children ds 3 and dd 4 weeks ....... I am currently struggling to figure out if our relationship is at all worth it.
I will start by saying dp is a good man with good intentions and he loves us dearly he works very hard full time and private jobs in spare time he tries to help at home sort of ! ..

but I find as soon as he is home our lives (mainly mine) become so much harder - too hard if im honest .
although he tries to help at home he gets everything wrong ! I have to tell him how to do everything and within minutes he has forgotten . and once I have told him he doesn't the know it he will have to ask me again the next time .

ds has no consistency between the two of us although we do discus it all in great lengths and have yet to disagree on any aspects of parenting and the way in which we apply guidance . yet after we have discussed it he cant remember what to do and will ask me what to do in front of ds .
at home it is a massive battle to keep in place the daily routines not because he doesn't agree with them ,in fact he shows enthusiasm for it all but he just doesn't do it or doesn't remember ...every evening he will say what do 'YOU' want me to do.
He will leave things out of ds night time routine the same one we have done since he was 2 months old .
dp read in a book yesterday about quiet play at bed time not to over stimulate etc etc however last night I heard them screaming and shouting water everywhere ds giggling until he had a coughing fit. which is wonderful to see and hear (bar the coughing) but not after extensive research about how to help him to sleep. which has been an on going problem bedtime drama .... this is one example out of a million
it probably sounds like he is just a 'typical man ' but its so much more than that .
I am struggling to cope (with him ) I am becoming like a prison warden telling him what to do and I don't like who I am becoming.it feels like there is nothing in our relationship except arguing and discussing this stuff am I just being dramatic or r we doomed??

I do empathise with all of those things as I keep stating he is a good man good father is under a lot of pressure and very tired !! BUT I am very tired also and feel I am the only one trying when it comes to our relationship and he isn't at all anymore not to say he hasn't in the past !! and I honestly feel he doesn't empathise with me at all and if it appears that he does its because its what he is supposed to do not because its what he feels...... if that makes sence

the weird thing is this all happened when I had ds and we broke up for about 6 months he saw I was serious and stepped up ant the following year was wonderful and consistent then we had another baby and our own place together and its all happening again

do I hope that as dd gets older and with some RC its worth sticking it out or do call it quits now.

also if we were to break up I do feel this is what I really worry about him looking after the dc's alone and what sort of partner he may then have but I cant stay in a relationship with him just to supervise him ...can I ??

I seriously cant seem to get through to him !!

this week I have asked him not to come home , he stays out 2 nights anyway for col /work etc and had his xmas work do on thurs. (this is all perfectly lagit' he stays at my mums empty house 10 mins away trust has never been an issue ) and we will reunite for ds school play on fri
so I thought it was a good opportunity for some space . I haven't really spoken to him except when absolutely necessary. but this morning we have been texting and he seems to have gone completely mad borderline verbally abusive (he has always had a way with words in terms of getting quite nasty and feels the c word is appropriate when he is really angry this is what the anger management is for ) he is telling me i'm sick because I wont let him see the kids - to be clear I have said I wont bring them to see him UNTIL he calms down and I can trust he is not going to continue arguing with me and making snide comments in front of the kids . he hasn't shown any signs of being calm .

He is now telling me I have depression ,because I had pnd with ds I feel he is using it against me we both know i'm not depressed i'm upset because our relationship seems to really be going down the pan!
in most of his messages he is saying im nasty (a couple said nasty piece of shit ) and im sick and I need to get help ! and he is completely defending himself as if he has no idea what the problem and making out like I am over reacting completely !

I tried to explain that we DO need relationship counselling and it would benefit me too and his AM will only work if he actually applies it at home but the problem really is him!
I raised my voice in front of ds the other day and he wont let it go telling me i'm the problem and I need help!! I feel bad enough as it is and always try to keep a lid on it in front of dc's but its so hard when I am the only one trying and ds will ask over and over whats wrong if I tell him he wont let it go , if I keep quiet he still wont let it go and if I completely act as if nothing is wrong he will flip out when I try to discus it and ask why i was fine earlier but not now!

the biggest problem is I don't want him around the children at the moment as he just refuses to rein it in in front of them .. even just huffing sand puffing , oh god's and general niggly remarks every time I open my mouth or make a face a disapproves of ! he has such an aggressive face that when he snarls at me all of this makes it alarmingly obvious to super intuitive ds that there is something very wrong !!
dp just isn't getting it and isn't backing down or doing anything to help the situation and ds is missing his daddy like mad and every other word is 'I miss my daddy when he is working' and 'im sad when daddy is at work' ! I have said yes I miss daddy when he is working to and we will see him very soon but he has to work hard to get all our xmas presents !

mummytime Wed 11-Dec-13 12:41:07

I think Grizzly is just trying to re-spin what you have said to see how it might appear to him. Probably in an effort to get you to empathise with how things seem to him.

To be honest if you can't empathise with him, as it truly sounds that you cannot, then yes you should leave him. But I'm not going to cal him a bastard because I'm honestly not sure he is.

You do also have to realise as I pointed out earlier, if you leave then he will have "unsupervised" contact with your children, up to 50%. You also will then have to let him parent your children as he sees fit. Something a friend of mine is struggling with having split from her husband (I can tell she would really like, and actually has at times, tell him how to look after their children).

hookedonchoc Wed 11-Dec-13 12:16:43

I doubt it is your DP, but if it is I would say to him...

Ask yourself: Is it okay to leave broken glass where a small child is playing? If you think it is, then imo yes, you are being unreasonable. If the mother of your child is at breaking point and you are willing to play the blame game rather than try and see things from her perspective and do whatever you can to fix things, then yes, imo you are being unreasonable.

It doesn't sound like you think any of this is a big deal, and maybe you're right. But she is telling you something is terribly wrong, and you are basically saying "Nah, it's fine." And you accuse her of belittling you? Even if her concerns really are unfounded, surely she has earned the right to have them taken seriously.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Wed 11-Dec-13 11:29:00

I think fwiw that it's not your dp more like someone putting the situation from his perspective.

Thing here is empathy I guess. And working together, accepting each other's faults, helping each other to improve in areas where we need to buck up our ideas. Putting ourselves in the shoes of the other person who is doing their best to help but being made to feel like it's not good enough.

Marriage is a hard business lol no wonder divorce rate has shot up, people must think 'shit this is too much like hard work, let's just walk away'

Glad I've never been married wink

just bumping as I would love outside perspective on what grizzly has written (who i'm guessing is actually my DP)

I would like to add that I feel he is completely missing the point and seems to have read this and only focused on defending himself -blame shifting- rather than the matter at hand which is sorting out our relationship! - the fact that dp has said I have come to mumsnet just to 'slag him off ' speaks volumes!

Grizzlygrowler Tue 10-Dec-13 06:07:46

Aibu...

We have a ds who's 2 and a baby who's 8 weeks. I've had to go back to work which is a ft job, another second job and also 2 nights a week at college. I'm knackered but do this to provide for my family.

My dp is understandably tired and so when I come home I try to help out as best as I can. Dp likes things done a particular way and so I am always conscious of adhering to that and am forever asking and double checking what needs to be done and how to make sure it's right.

Ds is still not a great sleeper and we have been doing the same slightly adjusted routine for 2 years. The other night he just wanted a bit of a play and with working all the hours god sends, a newborn and a house move I just wanted to spend some quality time with him. Dp then got frustrated that this wasn't done in a way that we had discussed we would.

I came and played with ds the other day and after a fun time painting I asked where the easel went. Yes I had got it out and forgotten where from, yes this can be frustrating but instead of just giving me the answer when I ask I get snapped at. A lot of the time it leads to arguments as I'm under constant criticism.

I'm on edge as soon as I get home because if I don't do it dp's way again I am criticised and berated.

It's things like flip flops, they are pretty much the most androgynous of shoes and I get confused as to what feet they go on, one time I wore them on he wrong feet. This is still brought up now to show what an imbecile I am.

I can't drive and so have to rely on dp to pick me up from work. I'm that tired and on edge because I know that whatever I do won't be right that I forget stuff. I forgot my phone the other day and the usual belittling onslaught began.

I just feel exhausted with working so much, I come home and really make every effort to please dp but am just constantly made to feel like shit for not doing it their way, when I ask I never get a simple answer and feel attacked.

Dp basically went on an Internet forum stating that I'm shit and she wanted to leave me. Most of the comments acknowledged that they were controlling but instead they focused on the ones that said I might have dyspraxia and how the problem is me.

I love my dp and dcs but don't know what to do because everything I do is criticised and I'm slagged off, berated. I'm really trying but am exhausted and then have to come home and walk on pins.

Aibu?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 10-Dec-13 04:04:14

Oops that will teach me to tea the entire thread lol sorry op

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 10-Dec-13 03:59:51

Pick your battles?
How about choosing things that really piss you off, bedtime play for example, my p was THE worlds worst for winding the kids up like springs just before bed, 'horsey' rides round the living room ect. On discussion he thought he was tiring them out, I explained that no, it made them too wound up to sleep and suggested he read them stories instead.

Your dp sounds like a good man who is trying his best to help but missing the mark. Bullet pointing certain really irritating things rather than constantly nagging reminding him of things will end up with him feeling he's not good enough.

Time to sit down and set some parenting ground rules on which you both agree I think x

thanx choc.. we have had relationship counselling in the past and I believe it worked and we are on a waiting list for it again now but don't have a lot of money and its very expensive especially as I need him to learn to drive as I think this will ease a lot of pressure off of me .. he is also doing anger management and has booked the appointment with the GP himself so its not like he isn't trying because he does these thing in between working full time , plus private jobs on days off and in the evenings and college 2 eves a week anger M on a Monday eve . so we r struggling to fit it in . had a long chat with BF this eve and she agrees DR should help and reminded me 2012 we were so content having actually been on holiday with us that year she saw all of us up close and personal ! but I do feel he is getting considerably worse at the moment and i'm worried i'm fighting a loosing battle

hookedonchoc Mon 09-Dec-13 22:17:52

Sounds like a nightmare OP, so sorry for you. I suppose I would wait and see what the GP says. Are you going in with him? Possibly if a medical professional tells him he has a problem he will be less argumentative and more willing to accept your way... but that doesn't ease the issue of you basically parenting him.

The glass in the toybox is scary, do make sure the gp is informed of that along with the other issues. I can certainly see why you are hesitant to leave him to get on with it where the children are concerned.

Regardless of the outcome with the gp, might you consider relationship counselling? Sometimes when a partner hears another person's perspective on the relationship it can wake them up as they realise it's not just you being unreasonable.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much, children are very resilient and these early years don't last forever. At least your dcs have the love and best intentions of both parents, whether you end up together or apart knowing they are loved is most important imo.

...what do I do now ? I feel like we just don't get on anymore.
every day with him is such hard work I feel as though we make each other worse as parents and as humans .
its sounds evil but part of me hopes when we go to the Dr he tells us there is something seriously wrong with him to make him like this so I can accept its not his fault .

I asked my friend about being controlling who is always very honest and has been brutally honest with me in the past . and she said I am very VERY organised (with a laugh ) but she see's that I have to be with my dp I don't have a choice and that she couldn't do it herself !

I feel as though the love I once had for him is slowly turning into resentment. I feel like lately he has just stopped trying or he will wake up with all the intentions of trying and positive attitude but has thrown it out of the window before we have even finished breakfast and the rest of the day if full of us being niggly , narky and just trying to put a lid on us arguing with little or no success . only if I constantly keep my mouth shut or do everything myself .

clam Sun 08-Dec-13 23:11:42

I don't think you're being controlling either. He sounds a complete nightmare, to be honest.
I had a colleague at work who was like this - drove me mad, and was made worse because I was officially responsible/liable for his cock-ups. Fortunately he resigned and moved away.

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 22:48:52

Broken glass in the toy box is just negligent.

I don't believe you're being controlling OP, he sounds exactly like my BIL who, despite having a good degree, a highly successful career, cannot remember diddly squat at home. And you what? He just can't be arsed. He has very little self discipline and is fairly chaotic and all over the place, he does what he fancies with the kids irrespective of the routine. Clearing up is left to my sister.

My sister, who is the most laid back person I know, is then driven mad constantly having to nanny/chivvy/tutor him through everything. She worries that it makes her into a nag, so I point out he gives her no choice. If she wasn't project managing, family life would descend into chaos. I don't need to nag my husband for anything, we decide who does what & then get on with it.

Your husband is basically failing to take responsibility for being a father. He doesn't need to remember anything because he doesn't think it's his job, and he knows you will always have the masterplan stamped on your brain. Your DP may have dyspraxia/ADHD/poor short term memory issues, but if he was this shit at his job he'd be fired, so I infer, at home, he's not actually trying.

so I am back with update on the latest ...

so you were right letting him read this was a bad Idea (I told u so's not necessary ).. I honestly thought he would see that we both need to work on things but all he said was 'there right you are controlling '
he has since booked an appointment at DR to discus it which is on Friday but I had to really explain it all out to him .

however I have been holding up my end of the bargain and trying to let him get on with things on his own ..
we ended up at farm on my sons birthday without a buggy and having to carry baby, picnic, changing bag and toddler round all day ..

also on my 2 lie in days since dd was born ..

lie in day no.1- breakfast was sweets eaten on the sofa in front of the tv lost tv remote and phone as usual and kitchen to tidy .

lie in day 2 - was today , when I went to bed last night I left a glass on the table above ds toy box and the cat knocked it over in the night smashing it .instead of clearing it up dp went out then came back and cooked bacon sarnies .. he did tell me to be carful because a glass had broken and he hadn't hovered I assumed he had cleared it up and was just making me aware .. when tidying ds toys and found massive pieces of broken glass in the toy box and on the floor where ds had been playing all morning while I was in bedroom and dp was in kitchen ..

when I got annoyed dp assured me that he told ds (3yrs )not to go in his toy box and then reminded me he did tell me as if it was all my fault that I had left a glass on a table and said I was being melodramatic resulting in massive argument and dp punching a wall ... (ds luckily in bed napping at this point )

he is still asking me stupid questions and I feel now he is just doing it on purpose to make a point .. he will ask me where things r before he has looked , still putting ds shoes on wrong feet and still ignoring things we have discussed the night before or even in the morning ,
we don't see much of each other as he is working 2 jobs and I look forward to the nights he stays out as everything is easier . when he told me he had a day off today my heart sunk as I new it wud be hard work and ds would misbehave as he does when dp around ..

we just argue any time we see each other and I still cant stop him arguing or airing our issues in front of the children which I feel shouldn't be my job to control . I feel as though I am at the end of my tether.

whoselifeisitanyway Sat 09-Nov-13 11:48:41

Adult ADHD? The phone thing made me think that.

Or he doesn't care enough to remember. Household routines don't matter much to everyone.

Lweji Sat 09-Nov-13 00:04:23

Yes, do let him pick up the pieces.

If he can't drive, that's his problem and he'll have to remember to take things better.
If I forget something at home or at work, I'll have to wait for the next day or until I return. It makes me more careful about not forgetting things.
They are not your responsibility to fix.

mummytime Fri 08-Nov-13 19:50:24

Well with my teens, I DO NOT always pick up the pieces. In this case I wouldn't go and drive to pick up his phone, if it was that important he would have to go and get it (walk. Bike, bus, train, taxi).

With breaking the phone, I would be tempted to have a cheap and nasty phone he can use until his is fixed.

With looking after the children. Go out and leave him to it!

He needs to learn. You are not his mother. His way will not be your way, but will probably be okay.

If you LTB he will have the DC unsupervised even more than now.
Good luck!

wakemeupnow Fri 08-Nov-13 19:29:24

Op's Dp reminds me of my teen ds ... , it's a thankless task having to micromanage someone who resents advice but then demands that you pick up the pieces

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 19:10:42

I know why she was doing it but unless she is his chauffeur I wouldn't do it, there are feet, push bikes buses, taxis?

wakemeupnow Fri 08-Nov-13 19:05:58

I think Op had to drive back to get phone with Dc because DH doesn't drive confused
I can't immagine showing him this thread will have a good outcome...

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 18:50:09

I wouldn't show him that you have been talking about him, I also wouldn't put screaming dcs in car just because he forgot something!!! Hes not 7,

quick update on ds behaviour so I have talked to him about all and have seen definite changed at home we are s lot more co-operative .. ds is trying harder with the general routines and I have notices loads of things that I am picky about that don't actually matter ..

yesterday ds forgot his phone at work and remembered half way home and when I huffed (I just couldn't help it I will try harder next time ) he got annoyed with me causing a mini argument as if it wasn't an issue but I am the only one that drives and have two screaming children one who hates her car seat so every moment in the car is like a time bomb waiting for her to sceam... also he forgets things from work all the time which I then have to go and drop off or pick up ...

also has dropped his phone and broken it for the second time this week ... [sigh]

just having a moan at this point really !!

was wondering what MN'ers thought about me actually showing ds this thread so he can see the advice from fellow humans on the subject

BillyBanter Wed 06-Nov-13 21:39:10

Go with him if you can.

Otherwise although a GP can't discuss a patient with someone else you can write to/discuss with the GP with your concerns and examples. So if he makes an appointment you can do this, and even if he doesn't you can still alert the GP and they may bring him in for a health check or some other excuse.

Lweji Wed 06-Nov-13 21:20:56

I'd think it's important that you go too and make sure all your concerns are mentioned.
I don't think it's controlling. For one he may not remember or give enough importance to some events. And other things he may not have realised.
Even if you prepared a list, the gp may ask questions that you haven't antecipated.

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