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do i stay or do i go ?(76 Posts)
DP and I have 2 children ds 3 and dd 4 weeks ....... I am currently struggling to figure out if our relationship is at all worth it.
I will start by saying dp is a good man with good intentions and he loves us dearly he works very hard full time and private jobs in spare time he tries to help at home sort of ! ..
but I find as soon as he is home our lives (mainly mine) become so much harder - too hard if im honest .
although he tries to help at home he gets everything wrong ! I have to tell him how to do everything and within minutes he has forgotten . and once I have told him he doesn't the know it he will have to ask me again the next time .
ds has no consistency between the two of us although we do discus it all in great lengths and have yet to disagree on any aspects of parenting and the way in which we apply guidance . yet after we have discussed it he cant remember what to do and will ask me what to do in front of ds .
at home it is a massive battle to keep in place the daily routines not because he doesn't agree with them ,in fact he shows enthusiasm for it all but he just doesn't do it or doesn't remember ...every evening he will say what do 'YOU' want me to do.
He will leave things out of ds night time routine the same one we have done since he was 2 months old .
dp read in a book yesterday about quiet play at bed time not to over stimulate etc etc however last night I heard them screaming and shouting water everywhere ds giggling until he had a coughing fit. which is wonderful to see and hear (bar the coughing) but not after extensive research about how to help him to sleep. which has been an on going problem bedtime drama .... this is one example out of a million
it probably sounds like he is just a 'typical man ' but its so much more than that .
I am struggling to cope (with him ) I am becoming like a prison warden telling him what to do and I don't like who I am becoming.it feels like there is nothing in our relationship except arguing and discussing this stuff am I just being dramatic or r we doomed??
can I add he is brilliant at his job maintenance manager and the things hew can figure out without much effort amazes me ..
The beauty (and the pain) of a two-person relationship is that there are two personalities in it ... which means at least two ways of doing things. Means there have to be compromises and adjustments. Also means capitalising on everyone's strengths and compensating for weaknesses. If you are the one that is hot on daily routines and he's better at firefighting and problem-solving then you have to find between you a way to make that work. This actually means him coming up with ways to remember things rather than saying 'what do I do next?'. In his job how does he keep on top of regular tasks? Charts? A diary? Post-it notes?
Pick your moment to discuss but place the responsibility more on him to find the solutions. Good luck. Not easy.
He does sound like he is trying to hard to please you and follow your parenting guidance rather than something you have agreed together. You have decided how things will be done and he is just getting in your way.
I had a friend like this who had a wonderful, hardworking OH who also pulled his weight at home but he did not do things her way. She nagged him and sometimes belittled him in front of others for failings she saw. He was a high achiever at work but became a nervous wreck at home.
My friend admitted to me she viewed like one of her DC to be disciplined and she had little or no respect for his opinions. I asked why they were still together and she said they loved each other. I am different love and respect go together in my relationship.
Things have obviously become very hard for both you and you need to regroup and see what you both need from your relationship.
I learnt that parenting is a balancing act and if people having differing views within a couple it can never be "my way" it has to a blend of ideas that works for both parents.
I have actually found that a good giggle before bed can help with sleeping.
There was this time DS was taking a long time falling asleep for his nap, and I decided to change the scenery while at the same time giving him a giggle. You should see the look of disapproval my parents made (at their home then), but DS then fell asleep very quickly. It raises levels of endomorphines and creates a sensation of relaxation and well being.
Having said that, there is no reason he can't be responsible for some things at home, if he's quite capable at work. Agree on him being responsible for whatever is fair and he'll have to learn how to do it properly, and I'm sure he'll remember it.
If not, he should deal with the consequences.
Does he have some sort of problem-seriously- with his short term memory- unable to remember anything?
You see either he has a real problem- dyslexia/ dyspraxia, Aspergers-or he is just taking the p... and can't be arsed to really engage with you and take responsibility like an adult.
The more you do for him then the less he'll learn.
It's time for a really honest talk and maybe an ultimatum- he pulls his socks up or you consider parting.
There aren't any examples of him doing anything wrong. He's just doing things differently.
It's time for a really honest talk and maybe an ultimatum- he pulls his socks up or you consider parting.
Alternatively (and who knows which is nearest the truth) perhaps OP needs to show a bit more patience, kindness and respect to his way of doing things.
Also, why on earth you have the same routine with your DS since he was 2 months old? Children grow up and don't necessarily need an exact routine every time. Does your ds have sleeping issues? Does your OH forget tooth brushing? Putting on pjs? Putting on a nappy? Kissing goodnight?
I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling how you do and if your DH is really the way you describe then I can see it would be annoying but I'm going to jump in and ask.....
Could you be over reacting due to hormones and tiredness etc...?
I honestly don't mean to upset you with that question, it's just when I had Ds3 everything that my exdp done (or didn't do) infuriated me for at least 6/8 weeks afterwards, sometimes it was for minor stuff but sometimes he couldn't even breathe in the 'right' way.
Have you sat down and discussed with him how you're feeling and what would happen if you simply said 'the same thing we always do everynight' in answer to his 'what do you want me to do' question.
Perhaps time to adapt your routines. Your child is older now and nothing better than having a good giggle with dad. I'm not too good on routines either - doesn't mean to say I am wrong - I would say I am adaptable and flexible. You need to talk to him but parenting is a shared job and it sounds like neither of you are wrong.
Do you think you might have PND? You do sound quite controlling of the situation at home. Your DH is just doing it differently not wrong imo. I mean this in the kindest way but I think you need to re-evaluate and let DH take some ownership of what he does and not tell him all the time how you want it done. Laughing at bedtime seems a fun thing to do really isn't it?
You had a baby four weeks ago. Try to relax a little. He sounds all right to me. At the moment you seem to be treating him like another child and so he's acting that role at home. I can see it's annoying but try to step back and pick your battles rather than find fault with everything. Otherwise I see a time very soon whereby he comes home less and less.
Other option...a sticker chart?!
sorry for the absence I have had trouble getting on without dp seeing ...
all these are questions u have asked I am asking myself ! and I cant seem to figure out the answers .. I am not sure if the he is this way because I am too controlling or if I am too controlling because he acts this way ...
in return to some of your comments - its not the laughing and giggling at bedtime that is the problem its the fact that he did research on helping ds to sleep came up with a strategy for us both to try which included quiet play at bed time and the next night bath time was louder than ever .
I did suffer with pnd with ds so am looking for the signs! but I feel ok so far other than this ..
I have talked to him about this before and we have discussed it at great lengths, most days in fact to some degree .. have left before and threatened recently there is some change lately but it just seems so hard all the time ...
frogs legs - I say this all the time but often results in a face , horrible comment or argument
ok some examples - ds has been at school a year , same days and hours dp still asks me what time he fins , starts etc . even though he spent 4 months taking him while I had HG with pregnancy
asks me what feet ds shoes go on .. has also walked round shops with his own flip flops on wrong feet.
ds goes to bed 7.30 every night has done for over a year he still asks shall I put him to bed now ?
ds toys always go in same places ds actually has to tell dp he has put them in wrong place
ds naps at 10 everyday dp dp agrees this is essential for non deman behaviour but whenever he is home has him at that time it doesn't happen .
looses his phone every day resulting in a full search .
also he disagrees with most things I might think are a problem eg I said the cat had wee'd in the bathroom dp said no the toilet was leaking .. it didn't smell like human wee I had to shove the litter tray at him for him to finally agree .. cat has been pissing in the bathroom the whole time I was preg ...
I sad ds room is damp , dp said no ds now has bad cough and there is mould round the window ..
there are loads more things and general stupid questions that have all evaded me right now but please I need brutal honesty I seriously don't now if its my hormones (pregnant /post pregnant or otherwise my hormones r totally mental )
or if I am just fighting a loosing battle with him.
Have you always been such a control freak or is this something that has come on with the birth of your second child? It sounds like the poor guy can't do right for doing wrong, but you don't sound happy either - i think you need to talk to your doctor.
If you give him responsibility over something and don't help him out in a consistent way, what happens?
Still, is the bedtime routine that important now? Does he have sleeping problems? And you should know that sometimes things happen and fun starts. A one event should not be a problem.
When he asks you what next, ask him how he is gong to remember things? He needs to make a note to himself?
You do sound very controlling but I really empathise as my DH drives me crazy with similar stuff.
Have you tried just letting him get on with it even if he does do things differently or wrong. Presumably he's not so forgetful at work. If I ask all the time it's lack of confidence or inconsistency from a boss so I never know what will be right or wrong today. Maybe it's better to let him learn from experience rather than from instruction.
How about you go away for a couple of days? Take the youngest if you are bfing. It's hard to imagine that someone could be so inept yet hold down a job.
It sounds absolutely exhausting being the one who has to be in charge all of the time.
Stop being so helpful / in charge? If he asks what time school finishes say, "it's on the fridge". Ie instead of giving the answer, give him the means to find it himself. And then try to take advantage of the lack of responsibility or busy yourself with something else.
These things obviously are not one off's if they were I would not be on here looking for advice
we have talked about it until blue in the face he has said he will try harder he has said he will make lists
I have tried leaving him to it .. getting his in put asking him to make some decision so that he may remember them (he completely forgets his decisions ) I feel I can't just let this happen with my two children suffering the consequence's therefore I have to take control (not a control 'freak') I am very organised but haven't always been I have learnt to be since having children .
If I give up and let him get on with it everything goes to crap and then I have to try and fix it and get everything back to normal ...
billy - I am always pointing out to him that I cant understand how he can be soooo organised at work he delegates , prioritises. he is he there and everywhere and still gets a glowing report and was even employee of the month a while back .
it really seems like he wants to do all these things and has intentions but never actually follows through with it .
in our old flat we had a list of everything that had to be done in the evening and he would still come and ask me what needs to be done . when I say check the list he would get annoyed with me !
the bedtime routine is extremely important with ds as he is a terrible sleeper it is a constant battle with him. and we have come up with a carefully constructed routine with sleep consultant to help him and us get some sleep. if his routine gets lost he doesn't sleep and becomes extremely hard work and quite badly behaved when tired although a very well behaved boy in general . the routine has changed as he has got older but not a lot . and dp has been involved in every step and every change
You sound very very rigid in your rules.
He does sound forgetful and perhaps disorganised, and I am not sure there is anything he can do about that tbh.
It's a personality trait and one I assume he has always had?
My dh can be a bit similar.
It is frustrating being the responsible one all he time.
Perhaps stop and see what happens?
i totally get your pain.
my dh is like this to some extent too. will forget things we've discussed, forget things we've been doing for years and look at me like i'm mad when i remind him we've been doing it for years.
it has gotten better as the kids have got older tbh. i think you have to take the long view. i don't think it'll always be this bad. nothing worse than small children to ruin a relationship imo.
so do you want to be with him in 10 years if you take this problem out of the equation?
i would tell him that you're on the edge and he needs to step up. then when he asks a question he can easily find out the answer to just give him The Look. keep on.
this is how i manage with my dh. if i can find the irritation bubbling up i say 'i don't know' / shrug / 'sorry, can't think about that now.'
i do think there are probably lots of things you can back off on. but stay on top of the important things like the bedtime routine. decide beforehand what you're prepared to let go.
To be brutally honest I think the problem is you. I wouldn't want to live in an environment with such rigid rules, and where everything I did was wrong. I think if you relaxed you might actually learn something from your DH.
I'll hold my hands up, I used to be a bit like you. I have a much happier life now, it's more fun, and dd is thriving despite the house being a bit chaotic at times.
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