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Emotional affair, dp found out. Now what?

(139 Posts)
YesIveNameChanged Fri 01-Nov-13 21:23:29

That's basically it to be honest

I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months. So as not to drip feed the EA was with someone I have a history with, but who I'd been NC with for quite some years until recently.

Dp found the messages we had been sending one another and has basically said I'm dead to him and we're over. He's no interested in talking about it, has just said I'm an idiot and a mug. (He's now gone out for a drive)

I have 2 very young dcs with dp. I've lost my financial independence as I only work part time 3 evenings a week so I can be at home for the kids during the day. Dp says he's going to keep the kids, can he do this?

I know I need to see citizens advice to get some info about benefits I can claim, but is there anything I can do this weekend?

I don't think this is fixable between us. I've screwed up massively but I just want to make sure my dc's don't suffer from the fallout.

lunar1 Sat 02-Nov-13 06:48:12

You need to go somewhere and give him space to think. You only want to fix things because you have been caught not because you realised you love him.

Why on earth should he leave his home and children for your behaviour? If this was the other way round you would get told to kick him out, and of course he can't take the kids.

Vivacia Sat 02-Nov-13 06:53:38

I know things aren't going to be easy for you, but I feel so sorry for your partner. Overnight he's lost his partner and family life. He's going to have to move and live somewhere less pleasant, see less of his kids and pay maintenance to the woman who cheated on him. I'm not surprised he won't talk to you yet.

I think all you can do is give it some time, get legal advice and start putting your children first.

lunar1 Sat 02-Nov-13 08:43:53

Why would her partner have to move?

happyyonisleepyyoni Sat 02-Nov-13 08:58:11

Excellent post from sparkly sequins.

OP is the main carer, for very young children. In the event of relationship breakdown, it's in the best interests of the children to stay with her in the family home.

happyyonisleepyyoni Sat 02-Nov-13 09:02:34

Posted too soon.

I can't believe the posters who are suggesting she should walk out on her 3 year old and 10 month old baby.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 02-Nov-13 09:08:47

OP, how do you feel about it all? To be honest there's not much mention of loving him and wanting to get him back, you seem very focused on the practical arrangements, which is fine. Do you even want to be with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 09:13:24

I agree with you happyyonisleepyyoni. This couple can't live in the same place long-term, there's going to have to be some shared parenting involved, but there's not a court in the land that would take a baby or toddler away from their mother as primary carer unless there's some evidence of serious abuse or neglect. Separated couples often have to co-habit for a while if there's no practical alternative.

OP... is there more to this story? Don't want to be accused of double standards and obviously an emotional affair is very poor behaviour, but the way it's described sounds very flat and final and 'dead to me' is an odd expression. Struck that you say you have no friends, family or other support.

lunar1 Sat 02-Nov-13 09:57:50

I feel very sad for the man in all this, the double standards are horrible. His situation is basically that his partner has an affair, he then has to chose between getting over it right away or move out of his home and away from his children?

If it was a poster saying their dh had an emotional affair would anybody dare to ask the op what she did to cause it?

Does her partner really not deserve any space in his home to think about what he wants?

It all sounds very much like men and women should be treated equally, except when true equality doesn't give the result we want, then its all shrieking about children being torn away from their mother.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 02-Nov-13 10:01:25

Well I would say the same to whoever was the main carer man or woman.

I am not sure it's double standards as such just that women are often the main carer so the same rules simply cannot apply.

LEMisafucker Sat 02-Nov-13 10:13:51

The OP seems quite happy for this relationship to end tbh, so maybe it has run its course.

I have an online friendship with a man - he has been very good to me, i suppose you could call it an EA, I am not sure if i love him but i care for him very much. My DP knows about this and whilst he is hmm about it, he accepts that i need this person in my life - he is much older than i am so probably more a father figure, we have never met and probably never will. My DP was upset when he first found out and i said i would not contact this person anymore but he said it was ok. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful understanding DP, i started this friendship with my online friend when things were really bad between DP and myself and he was very supportive and still is supportive when i have stuff going on in my life that i can't deal with - yes there was an element of flirting at first but now we are just friends. I have "known him for 8 years and DP known about him for 5, he has even asked me to ask him about some business stuff he had experience of - i don't think they'll ever be friends though.

I don't consider that i have been unfaithful to my DP but i was devestated when he found out (even though i wasn't really hiding it, does that make any sense) and would have stopped things immediately if that was what he wanted - i know my situation is very different to the OP but you can come back from this, if you both want to.

The question of who should leave the home is not about man versus woman. Yes in this case the woman was at fault but she's also the main carer for two young children and they need to stay with her for now.
To be honest I believe she should offer to move out (taking the children) and offer him a sensible contact agreement. I don't think it's fair that he should be asked to move out. It's possible that he won't want to stay in the bigger property if he has to pay maintenance too bit that should be his decision.
I don't think you will get much sense out of him while he's so angry though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 10:27:07

"Does her partner really not deserve any space in his home to think about what he wants? "

I think he does deserve some space but the only way he gets this is to tell the OP to leave with the DCs. Which means three people being relocated and that's going to take time. She can't leave them behind and it's not 'shrieking' to expect a baby to stay with their Mum, it's commonsense

lunar1 Sat 02-Nov-13 12:17:12

I feel very sorry for the partner in this situation. He may lose everything through no fault of his own.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 02-Nov-13 13:29:20

I feel sorry for the partner too, lunar. But taking the children a way from their main carer as a "punishment" for the O.P's behaviour won't improve matters.

Branleuse Sat 02-Nov-13 13:45:52

you suck it up, apologise for cheating. you split up and move out, and take the children if you are the primary caregiver, and you find somewhere else to live, or he moves out, depending on what arrangement you can come to with him.

arsenaltilidie Sat 02-Nov-13 14:10:33

It's its the best interest for everyone for the DC to stay with their primary carer but no wonder some men are a bit reluctant to get married.

Through no fault of his own he has found himself in a situation where he has to move out of his own home and will likely end up seeing his children once every 2 weeks.

Lweji Sat 02-Nov-13 14:16:29

And yet, arsenal, it's mostly women who find themselves in poverty and holding the children, through no fault of their own, after their OH's cheat on them. I wonder how women still want to have children.

I very much doubt he will actually want to keep the children, except saying it now to punish the op.

Hang on.

You broke his trust. You pissed all over your relationship. Why should he be the one to move?

I'm not saying you shouldn't have the children. You're the primary caregiver.

Unless he leaves work to stay at home full time then it should be you who has them for the majority, at least while they're so young.

But him leave his own home because you had an affair? Really?? Wow.

Branleuse Sat 02-Nov-13 14:31:04

I definitely think you should be the one to move

arsenaltilidie Sat 02-Nov-13 14:40:46

Lweji I wonder how women still want to have children
your logic??

Lweji Sat 02-Nov-13 14:55:11

I could retype my post

Charlie1972 Sat 02-Nov-13 16:17:42

In with waltermittymissus.

You leave, find a flat, figure out where youre head is.

You cheated, you lied and put your children at risk, betrayed your own flesh and blood.

Move in with your lover. See how keen the other man becomes then.

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 16:37:53

I definitely think you should be the one to move

Only if it's better for the children and it likely isn't. This attitude is predicated on the OP deserving punishment, not based on a grown up and clear eyed view of what is in the children's interests.

An EA can vary in the extent to which it constitutes 'unfaithfulness'. Some might involve a lot of sexual disloyalty without direct sexual contact taking place. And they might involve saying horrible insulting, private and disloyal things about the partner.

Some might just be like the one (rather touchingly, IMO) described upthread where someone finds another person outside their primary relationship fulfills an emotional need.

There is a spectrum and it's very judgey and overly simplistic to describe it as 'cheating'.

Some people are such control freaks they think that any person of the opposite sex in their partners life is a threat and takes away from the sacred relationship. That even a bit of mild flirting for example (which can just be fun) is cheating. Ditto any kind of sharing of thoughts and feelings. This is, I think, an unhealthy view. It is not realistic for most people to have all their needs met by one individual and this notion of finding complete fulfillment in the company of, and connection with, one person can often lead to dissatisfaction, failure of expectations and ultimately relationship breakdown.

HotDogSlaughter Sat 02-Nov-13 16:45:08

I think he is massively overreacting. I take it you didn't even sleep with the guy?
Wow. The you are dead to me is pathetic. You are the mother of his children.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 02-Nov-13 16:48:02

"Betrayed your own flesh and blood"

Emotive bollocks!

She did nothing to her dc. This is about her relationship with her DP, it's NOTHING to do with her dc.

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