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Emotional affair, dp found out. Now what?

(139 Posts)
YesIveNameChanged Fri 01-Nov-13 21:23:29

That's basically it to be honest

I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months. So as not to drip feed the EA was with someone I have a history with, but who I'd been NC with for quite some years until recently.

Dp found the messages we had been sending one another and has basically said I'm dead to him and we're over. He's no interested in talking about it, has just said I'm an idiot and a mug. (He's now gone out for a drive)

I have 2 very young dcs with dp. I've lost my financial independence as I only work part time 3 evenings a week so I can be at home for the kids during the day. Dp says he's going to keep the kids, can he do this?

I know I need to see citizens advice to get some info about benefits I can claim, but is there anything I can do this weekend?

I don't think this is fixable between us. I've screwed up massively but I just want to make sure my dc's don't suffer from the fallout.

Oh well that's the affair lost its sparkle now I bet. All you can do is be honest, stop lying and give him space to decide of he still wants to be with you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Nov-13 21:38:56

You need legal advice so CAB should be able to help. DP can't 'keep the kids' that's just an angry knee-jerk reaction on his part. The usual starting point is a 50/50 shared parenting arrangement with emphasis on time with Mum if the children are very small ie pre school age. The children won't suffer if you take a mature approach to the shared parenting as a couple and keep their best interests top of mind.

Yes you've screwed up but don't let guilt cloud your judgement when it comes to your DCs

Sparklysilversequins Fri 01-Nov-13 21:44:09

No he cannot keep your kids. He could have 50:50 contact though.

It's early days. Benefits wise look at entitled to then get your phone numbers ready to begin the claims on Monday.

It's happened, these things do, but it's nothing to do with your role as a parent so don't let him make out that it is.

YesIveNameChanged Fri 01-Nov-13 21:58:25

Dc's are 3 and 10 months so very young.

Dp is saying I should be the one to leave and he'll get the dc's. As awful as it sounds I can cope with our relationship breaking down, but I want to do what's right for my children

lovetheprintedword Fri 01-Nov-13 21:59:33

No, he can't take your children and it's highly unlikely he'd even get 50:50 contact with young DC, so he can fuck right off with that threat.

Do you still want to be with him?

RandomMess Fri 01-Nov-13 22:00:52

You are the primary carer so the very least you will get is 50:50, if you are still breast feeding he can't force you stop!

BrickorCleat Fri 01-Nov-13 22:03:24

Nonsense, he will not gain custody because you had an emotional affair; he is trying to hurt and frighten you.

When the dust has settled, you need to speak respectfully and honestly to each other about co-parenting and practicalities.

Good luck and I hope that you find happiness in your life.

Harryhairypig Fri 01-Nov-13 22:05:32

Are you house owners or renting? Joint owners or in one of your names, if the house is in your name too then you can stay put, if it's in his name only, then I'm not sure as you are not married but you need legal advice on this ASAP. You are the main carer so unlikely he would get the children or even as much as 50/50 at this stage. You may not have acted honourably to him, but he can't take the children as he says.

Shapechanger Fri 01-Nov-13 22:06:27

Don't know what the backstory is... EAs happen for a reason, it doesn't matter whose 'fault' it was. He's angry and aggrieved, that's irrelevant in all ways in terms of what arrangements are made for the children. If they are with you during the day, you are the main carer.

Don't let him guilt trip you into doing anything that isn't in their interests, they are not possessions to be fought over.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 01-Nov-13 22:26:10

Does he often make threats regarding you and your children's relationship?

Sparklysilversequins Fri 01-Nov-13 22:27:00

Do NOT let him force you out and away from your dc.

olgaga Fri 01-Nov-13 22:30:12

Don't listen to all this 50:50 stuff, it's completely ridiculous given the age of your children. Stay put.

Yes you've messed up and he is hurt and angry, as you would be if you had found out he had done what you have done.

But he has no right to expect you to leave your children, or your home.

Just stick it out and tell him you're not going anywhere without the children.

Hopefully you'll be able to resolve things given time but even if not, he can't just chuck you out!

LEMisafucker Fri 01-Nov-13 22:33:11

Things are very raw at the moment, he is hurt and angry, give him some time to calm down - there is probably good reason you went NC with the other guy in the first place.

If you want to be with him, tell him, tell him you will give him the space he needs (not leaving the house obviously) but that you want to make things work (assuming you do) and then let him have the time to assess how he feels.

It doesn't have to be then end.

Spirulina Fri 01-Nov-13 22:35:40

Don't be fooled....either one of you could become primary carer. If he kicks you out snd keeps them with him then it's his chance to get it right in time for when bit reaches court. Nothing stopping him doing this from tonight onwards.... No legal advice can prevent this or put the kids back in your care until it's in front of a judge

Don't know why MN seems to think mums have the upper hand automatically? Dads are just as valid these days and courts are more aware of this

olgaga Fri 01-Nov-13 22:58:31

If he "kicked you out" of your home then you would call 999.

Based on the information you have given, you are your children's primary carer.

It doesn't sound as if you were putting your children first when you had an affair that has now put their secure family upbringing into jeopardy. At least on Mumsnet you'll be forgiven because its just an 'emotional affair'. hmm

skyeskyeskye Fri 01-Nov-13 23:20:19

If you were posting that he was having an EA, you would probably be told to tell him to leave.. So you must see why he is telling you to leave. He is the wronged partner not you.

But, you have small children and you and them need to remain in the family home. He would not get custody.

Your DP may choose to forgive you and work things through, and he may not. That is his prerogative, as you have betrayed his trust and lied to him and cheated on him. He now stands to lose his home and family due to your behaviour. So you have to accept that he is going to be very hurt and angry at the moment.

You need to sit down and talk this through and be totally honest with each other.

Spirulina Sat 02-Nov-13 00:08:57

Why is everyone saying 'he won't get custody'?

Firstly, there is no longer such a thing as 'custody'.... It's residency and courts promote 59/50 where possible

Secondly,you both are equal parents. A mother doesn't get automatic rights to anything. Courts like to maintain the status quo... Which at present is with you op, as 'main carer'. But that could change. If your DP becomes main carer by excluding you, then by the time it gets to court, probably 6 months time, then the dc could be in a routine with dad as main carer...

Sparklysilversequins Sat 02-Nov-13 00:21:51

I get so very tired of this idea that people who have affairs are bad parents. They're just people who fucked up. It bears no relevance to their abilities as parents. Woman or Man. You see it on here all the time and the constant lampooning that The Bad Parent must be the one to tell the children he/she has shattered their lives. No they haven't, they've fucked up and everyone will be affected but that's life and now there may be a few changes.

Do not leave those children OP, If he tries to make you, call the police. That's exactly the same advice I would give a Man or a Woman who is the main carer because at the end of it all keeping things as normal as possible for dc is what matters. If OP is the main carer then that should continue. Anything else is selfish and me, me, me on the part of the wronged adult in the relationship.

AuntieStella Sat 02-Nov-13 00:22:57

Is he back from the drive, and when will you have a child-free opportunity to talk to him?

Aim off that he's had a hell of a shock and a first angry outburst may well not be his true position.

You both need thinking and planning times for the practicalities of what comes next. The important thing is that your DC have a roof over their heads, continuity of care, and adequate income to the care-giver to allow them to be looked after in as similar a style as can be achieved.

As you are currently the main care-giver, then in the short term, that means you, whist you and he sort out what is possible. 50/50 is the start point for working out residency/contact, as it is held that DC deserve both parents. But it's never set in stone.

You are probably in shock too. This is the time to research your options, and if you can avoid making big decisions until the dust has settled. Do you have anyone around who can offer you support, irrespective of who did what to land you in these circumstances?

Shapechanger Sat 02-Nov-13 02:14:05

Excellent post, Sparklysequins.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 02-Nov-13 02:25:01

If the DP is working full time 5 days a week, while the OP is working part time in the evenings (presumably to avoid paying ££££ for childcare, which would be hugely expensive for a 10 month old and a 3 year old), then it's unlikely he is going to be able to become the main carer.

Methinks some people are just enjoying twisting the knife on the OP as they feel she deserves to be punished.

The 2nd part of Sparkly's post is spot on advice OP.

YesIveNameChanged Sat 02-Nov-13 06:34:08

Thank you for all the responses.

At the moment Dp is refusing to engage in conversation about it. He's not interested in discussing why or whether or not we can fix it. He told me I'm "dead to him"

We don't own a property just rent, both names on the tenancy agreement. I had a brief look at benefits last night, and the finances look manageable if I can keep working as well; does anyone know roughly how long it takes to get things like housing benefit and tax credits set up? Ideally I'd want to stay here with the dc as we've moved a lot over the past few years and only just started to get settled.

I have no support network here though, only dp and my mil. It's all so confusing right now

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 06:37:57

You'll need to talk to CAB or similar to get the information you need because it can vary from place to place. If you tell them that you are effectively being made homeless with your DCs as a result of relationship breakdown they'll probably move a little faster. Don't you have any friends or family to talk to? Not even on the phone?

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