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DH is up to something, but what help me!

(29 Posts)
Helpmeplease2013 Thu 31-Oct-13 09:44:25

I'm a long time lurker on the relationship board but first time poster as something has not been right for a long time.

Me and my husband have been married 9 years we have a 7 yr old son. Before our son we both had full time jobs. I moved into his house and we settled down. He still has a very good job and I am self employed and I make and sell my sewing and embroidery online and at fairs so I don't make much money but its what I enjoy. We manage money wise.

So anyway 2 years ago I had a very urgent gut feeling one day that I needed to check his phone it was a powerful feeling he was upto no good and the evidence was on his phone. He was going running so I was going to check as soon as he left, I went into another room as soon as I saw him run off I went to grab the phone from where its always kept and it was gone. I searched high and low for a hour and couldn't find it. When he came in he had it on him and made up some stupid excuse. He never took his phone anywhere. That feeling went away and I didn't have any reason to doubt him. He works away a lot has his hobbys and is a private person and always has been.

In the last 3/4 months things have got out of hand. His behavior has got stranger. New wardrobe, new designer pants (not a designer person normally) wearing aftershave to work and doing his hair and shaving regularly he would not normally do any of these things for work.

His mobile is double key protected has been for a while he's always on it chatting to people it's glued to him 24/7.
His laptop holds all the information I will ever need to know. Bills don't come to the house everything is done through his email. He only ever gets his laptop out when I go to bed and he comes up after I'm asleep. If I go down for a drink he will minimize the screen or shut it closed if I ask I get a non of your business reply. His laptop is password protected.

2 months ago out of the blue he gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech.
I have slowly detached from him after this outburst and normally the affectionate man I married is now cold no hugs kisses or sex.

He is no doubt in my mind upto something I have prepared myself for Internet dating, affair or prostitutes. I now need to find out what as I need proof and I think if it is any of the above I will be divorcing him.

How do I find out? His laptop is my way in here but if its password protected will a key logger work?

I need 100% proof before I confront him as he will blame me and I will never find out.

Can anyone help me?

alphacourse Thu 31-Oct-13 09:56:54

Sorry you are going through this. Everything you have said points to an affair sadly (((hugs))). You can't install a key logger unless you can log on to his laptop I'm afraid. I'm sure somebody better qualified than me will be along in a minute, but I didn't want to read and run.

Branleuse Thu 31-Oct-13 10:00:05

you dont need 100% proof of anything. His behaviour is still secretive, suspicious and unreasonable and he is acting distant and has told you he isnt in love with you.
In the eyes of a court, that is enough unreasonable behaviour in itself to grant a divorce

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like Branleuse says you don't need any proof. Can you see a solicitor to find out where you stand finanically etc?

Dahlen Thu 31-Oct-13 10:10:03

It does sound rather damning. There are ways of gaining access to his technology, but they may make you feel like a grubby person in a rain-mac and destroy some of your own integrity. Snooping on people can lead to dreadful feelings of guilt and a loss of self-respect even when the person being spied on is up to no good. You need to think about that before you go down that route.

Also, just remember that you don't need proof. In a happy, loving relationship between two well-balanced individuals, one person does not suspect the other of having an affair. The fact that you feel your H is capable of it and that he would happily lie to your face about it is reason enough to question your marriage.

You don't need proof to get divorced. Ultimately, while it seems important to those getting divorced, no one else gives a damn what goes down as grounds for divorce. If you don't have proof of adultery, simply cite unreasonable behaviour - secrecy over his communication, lack of control over your living arrangements (I may have got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds as though he controls the finances), making you feel excluded from his life, etc.

You might not want to get divorced, of course, which is entirely up to you. It's not always the most appropriate solution. But the point is your H's secrecy and refusal to admit to the truth only gives him power if you let it. If you tell him you don't care about proof, your feelings matter as they are, you remove a lot of the power and place responsibility back on him.

Good luck.

Andy1964 Thu 31-Oct-13 10:20:20

Oh, I'd love to post something different but it does seem as if something is going on and your suspicions are correct.

Don't snoop around like Dahlen suggests, you just lower your self.

If you want to confront it find, within yourself, the courage to challenge him.
It won't be nice, but you deserve the truth rather than being strung along.

One way or another you have to deal with it though (i know you shouldn't have to but....) Either he confesses to what he is up to and you both deal with what ever good or bad happens after or you tell him you have had enough.

Summoning that courage to confront him makes you a much stronger person than he is, good luck!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 31-Oct-13 10:34:34

I too would want to know what's been going on. It wouldn't make me feel grubby etc. This is your marriage, and if you want to (and you have the strength to face it), you have a right to know what he's been up to as it's having such a major impact on your life.
Your feelings, so your choice. I wouldn't know how you go about it, but hopefully a technical bod will come along soon. Good luck.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 31-Oct-13 10:35:35

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately it does seem like he is up to something that will break up a marriage. You don't actually need the proof, him saying he's not in love with you really tells you where you stand.
The way he is behaving with his phone and laptop is disrespectful to you. Best thing for you is contact a solicitor. Good luck

gamerchick Thu 31-Oct-13 10:37:47

If you really want to snoop his laptop. Find out what windows he is using and Google a step by step way of removing the master password via the bios.

It's pretty easy on xp I remember (but not how now)

If the bios is password protected then you probably can't go down that route.

So sorry you're going through this.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 31-Oct-13 10:46:26

agree with the others, he is being very disrespectful to you by behaving this way. sounds like he is calling all the shots at the moment esp by having that conversation with you. how very hurtful.

I wouldn't torture yourself with trying to get access to his laptop or phone. You can do better than this. Contact a solicitor asap and get some advice about divorcing him. (btw, I am assuming you don't want to stay with someone who is no longer in love with you, is cold towards you and acts so secretively?)

Whatnext074 Thu 31-Oct-13 10:48:18

This was my life 3 months ago, exactly how you describe it OP, that's how it started - even down to the pants. I'm so sorry for you and our suspicions are very rarely wrong.

If you ask him outright, he will most probably deny it, mine did for 2 months. I understand the need for proof but finding it will hurt you. I eventually found proof but there was no way I could have cracked his codes on his phone and laptop so I didn't even try.

The truth - or part of it - will come out. I wish you strength through this horrible time.

FlabbyAdams Thu 31-Oct-13 10:54:02

I am so sorry you are going through this.

No you don't HAVE to snoop and if you can walk away and close the door on this knowing your relationship is over without ever needing answers then do just that.

However, most people want to know what it is they are dealing with - regardless if the outcome will make an ounce of difference to the next course of action.

I admire anyone able to leave at the stage you are at without knowing what it is thats behind the decline of the relationship. For some it does not matter why or the cause or what contributed to theend of a relationship. I on the other hand - having been in a similar situation have to say is not for me. I NEEDED to know what the hell had been going on and have to say 10 years on from my situation I am yet to meet a person that has ever said to me " I left/ended it because he was upto something behind my back and had already checked out of relationship but I dont know why".

If you are able - then go now and know you will never look back and wonder or ever ponder over why exactly but if you feel you need answers then please dont think you are lowering yourself to snoop to get those answers.

The fact is - whether you like it or not, you have been dragged into a shit situation (whatever exactly it is)through no fault of your own but because of the actions of your dishonest/secretive DH. The sad fact is - he is 99.9% never going to tell you what he is/has been upto off his own back or over some polite conversation over coffee.

The only time most of these people (men and women) in this situation ever spill the beans is when confronted with evidence they simply cannot refute and even then they will try (often referred to Damage limitation on alot of relationship threads). He may start with just looking at a dating site before eventually leading onto chatting online to someone, meeting them "just the once " etc etc.

If you feel the need to snoop then do. You have invested time, love and energy into this relationship and if you want answers you deserve them.

I am not encouraging you to snoop because it is a negative course of action and does not feel good and can become obsessive as from experience you usually find snippets and have to add it all together and then sometimes still its does not always the build the picture you imagine. It is a shitty thing to do - for yourself on an emotional level, but it is also a process that can (sometimes not always) help you see things, accept things and get some answers.

How the hell you do it when everything is password protected I dont know. In my situation I purely got lucky with a slip up on my partners side - he left his new phone unlocked and I just lucky that day - otherwise I would never have broken the codes/pins and passwords. Other things worth checking out is car - door panels the lot, suit pockets anywhere he may hide things. When I was desperate and googling I found anecdotes from woment who had the floor boards up/bath panels off revealing all kinds of stuff their partners/Husbands were upto. Another thing is to keep a diary of his timings and actions and where he says he is and when. There was a website I found (10 years ago now so dont recall it sorry)m where it suggested buying a seperate diary and noting down on each day his actions and tiings and checking them against train tickets/car mileage etc. Once you have established any pattern - from this I established my partner like Tuesdays for his philandering you can then decide on the next course of action - which may be to follow and confront or send someone else to watch for you.

None of this is ideal. I stopped short of confronting anyone and causing a scene. My snooping led me to a point where I had seen enough - I had the pretty much the whole picture and I just reached a point where I didnt want to snoop anymore. I am not sure I would have reached that point of acceptance without at least trying and uncovering some stuff. We are all different but please if you do decide to snoop - take time to stand back and be kind to yourself and remind yourself what exactly you need/want to know and dont get too sucked into it all. A good RL friend to confide in and keep you grounded is something I would strongly suggest.

In a perfect world you would walk away, never look back , never ponder and never wonder why, who, when , where - I admire any person able to do that but I could not, I needed to know.

Hugs - I am so sorry you are going through this shit.

Thewalkingdeadkr Thu 31-Oct-13 11:00:15

If he's told you isn't in love with you anymore, he's cold towards you and gets on with his own life then why do you need evidence if anything?
I'd just separate on those grounds alone.
Life's to short and all that jazz!
Sorry you have to face this at all but don't waste too much of your precious life will you?

harvestwidows Thu 31-Oct-13 11:03:57

Oh gosh you poor woman sad first of all a big hug he sounds like recently he has been treating you like something he has stood in. If I was you I would confront him, sit down together and say everything you have on here to him perhaps explain you know things have not been going well and you believe he might be having an affair. Either he will lie through his teeth or confess. From what you have said the suspicious hiding stuff, locks on phones etc would indicate this.

If he has been cheating on you im sure everyone on here will offer you support you sound like a lovely person who certainly doesn't deserve such treatment ever.


maleview70 Thu 31-Oct-13 12:35:43

If he has been cheating?

He is cheating. It's very clear.....

McAvity Thu 31-Oct-13 12:44:54

Your problem is not how to surveil or 'gather evidence' against your husband. You can give him one chance by asking him to be honest with you and deciding that you both want to rebuild your relationship. This will probably be difficult.

If he doesn't want to, you don't want to, or he claims to want to but isn't prepared to make an effort, then your problem is looking after yourself and your son through and beyond the end of the relationship. It will be difficult too I'm afraid. Sorry. cake brew flowers

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 31-Oct-13 12:51:11

I discovered my ex's passwords by standing behind him when he was logging on and watching. And watching out of the corner of my eye when we were in the car.

I had to watch quite a few times and set myself a target of only getting one number at a time. for example on the 4 digit pin for his phone. I memorised the first number the first time and made a note of it. The next time, I made sure to see what the second number was and so on.

It worked a treat just don't expect to get the whole password all in one go. Break it down.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 31-Oct-13 12:59:50

If you confront without evidence he'll probably deny. Make out like its all in your head...he'll probably refer back to the "not on love with you speech". Don't expect him to confess.

Personally, I had to know I wasn't crazy and did enough snooping to find the undeniable.

Unfortunately op I think it's probably more than just dating sites etc, I think he's probably got an OW.

sad sorry. Whatever you do, just put yourself first now.

Seb101 Thu 31-Oct-13 14:42:20

I completely understand your need to snoop and find out the truth. I don't think scooping is 'lowering your standards' or 'damaging to self esteem' or any of those things mentioned. You might not NEED to know what's happened and you can certainly separate without knowing the facts. But if it were me; I'd have to find out, I'd need to know the full truth in order to move on. If you feel the same I'd advice maybe speaking to a computer expert in a shop or something to get advice, or goggle it, and find out if there's a way for you to get past the passwords etc. Don't feel bad about snooping, IMO you are entitled to know the truth about your own marriage. I personally could never just walk away from a marriage and never know, the doubts and uncertainly would remain with me forever, and I think I'd struggle to move on. Finding out EVERYTHING would be the only way for me ( but maybe that's just my personality) being in possession of all the facts gives you power and conviction to make difficult decisions, and I believe ultimately get angry/upset, then let it all go..... Along with the husband! Might not be a popular opinion on here, but I'd say go ahead and snoop! The very best of luck x

EggInABap Thu 31-Oct-13 15:36:20

If you can get hold of his phone, ring it from your own, then answer it. When you hang it up again it should be unlocked for a short time. That's how it works with iPhone's anyway.

I would need to know the truth if it were me. Good luck op.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 18:57:57

When you've had the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you speech' the next thing that will happen is that he'll be out of the door. No point ferreting about for more information, therefore, you'll find out his version of the truth any minute now...

Thewalkingdeadkr Thu 31-Oct-13 20:43:48

Absolutely cog if dh said that to me Id be devastated but I'd help him pack as I cried.

olathelawyer05 Thu 31-Oct-13 22:50:37

Divorce laws in England are essentially 'no fault', which means you don't need 100% proof of anything. The speech he gave you 2 months ago is enough. YOU just need to decide whether you want to hang around at his leisure or not. I suspect you don't actually want to leave....not just yet.

Helpmeplease2013 Fri 08-Nov-13 10:42:52

Just invade anyone is still following this thread.

We mutually decided to split up. I can't live like a spy and its clear he was upto something.

Well it's for the best, but it's a shame he has so little respect for you that he won't even tell the truth. Get legal advice. 'His' house should be half yours and your child needs a home.

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