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I can't believe what my mum has done (abuse related)

(68 Posts)
justnamechanging Wed 30-Oct-13 22:18:10

A regular poster who has name changed for this.

My mum is pretty toxic and I have posted about it before however she does love my DCs so I visit her once a month with them. My mum is also very jealous of my ILs because they have done very well whereas my mum although comfortable has never been well off.
My mum and dad split up when I was very young and my mum remarried my step dad was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my siblings and when I was a teenager he became sexually abusive. My mum didn't care would say I was making it up or that I deserved it. I reported this to the police age 15 but my mum convinced them I was just being a naughty teenager and making it up. (My step dad was respected in the community) and the police dropped it.
My step dad left my mum a few years later became she was old and he moved out of the country with another woman.

Fast forward to today. I arrived at her house with the DH and DCs there was a strange car parked in the drive but she was the only one in the house I asked who owned the car and she said it was just a friend's. So we sat down and the DCs played.
Then my mum went upstairs and I could hear voices and two sets of footsteps she then said she had a surprise it was 'grand dad' and hustled step dad through the door. I grabbed the DCs (so did DH) and just left.

So my mum called a bit later and begged a chance to explain the DCs had gone to the ILs house so I said fine as long as she came alone. So she did and she said that she was going to get back with him and they were getting married and I just needed to get used to the idea. I explained that I would have nothing to do with him and nor would my DCs. She got very angry and started screaming that I was an idiot who made everything up and kept telling DH that he shouldn't believe anything I say and I was with him for the money I told her to leave and she just kept repeating that I deserved it because I was a horrid person and she would tell my ILs everything so they would stop giving me money. (They don't give us money)
I pushed her out of the house (not great I know) as she screamed abuse and said she would call SS and then get the first plane to Spain.

I feel awful I keep reliving it all in my head and having flashbacks. I guess I just want someone to tell me to get it together because I don't want to upset the DCs. But I am so scared she will call the police and SS on me.

justnamechanging Wed 30-Oct-13 22:23:17

Sorry for poor grammar and spelling I forgot to read through it first.

DontmindifIdo Wed 30-Oct-13 22:25:04

Not got any good advice but I didn't want to just read and ignore. I'm sure someone else will be along to advise you better.

I'd say just cut her out. Don't worry about SS, particularly if you spoke to the police as a child. It's shit but all you can do.

MuffCakes Wed 30-Oct-13 22:25:38

I think it would be the best thing if she did fuck off to spain with him tbh.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 Wed 30-Oct-13 22:28:11

That's awful, I don't know what to say you have been through so much. I don't think you were out of order pushing her out your house.

pod3030 Wed 30-Oct-13 22:29:14

Oh you poor love. Your instincts as a mother are spot on and you must listen to them. This is the signal to break that final thread with this toxic person. Your life will be so much freer and healthier without her.

You are probably reeling from the adrenaline at the moment. She only has power over you if you let her- easier said than done I know. Your fear is her power, take it away and she has nothing. Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on the important things- you and your family . x

IamGluezilla Wed 30-Oct-13 22:29:31

You know you've done the right thing and all the rest is just nonsense.

She won't call the Police because it risks opening a nasty can of worms with the slime ball. Same with SS.

She is a monster and there now has to be new rules in place- if the slime ball is more important to her so be it.

justnamechanging Wed 30-Oct-13 22:29:50

I don't really know what she would tell the police/SS because there is a good chance she will lie and twist the truth.

LineRunner Wed 30-Oct-13 22:29:51

I agree, you need to disengage from her.

I doubt very much she would involve either the police or SS by the way, given that you would presumably repeat your previous allegation. In fact you do do that, anyway, if you were minded to.

I feel for you, this must be dreadful. I am so glad you have your own family around you.

Finola1step Wed 30-Oct-13 22:30:18

Oh my goodness Just. I really don't know what to say. How awful for you. I can't begin to comprehend your mother's behaviour both then and now.

You have to hold on to the fact that you did the right thing both then and now. You spoke up then and told but you were incredibly let down. None of this was your fault.

You tried to maintain a relationship with your mother for the sake of your children. You've tried your best. Your mother is clearly a narcissist. None of this was your fault.

You got your dc out of today's situation straight away. You have your mother a chance to explain. There are no rational explanations for her behaviour and terrible decisions. These too are not your fault.

The only person who should be considering phoning the police and social services is you. You have the right to report what happened in your childhood. You have a right to be heard.

You will be in my thoughts Just. Lean on your DH for support and comfort and friends in rl. Your Mumsnet people will be here too!

TessTing Wed 30-Oct-13 22:30:23

Just: Not much to add other than to say I think you did absolutely the right thing. Nobody EVER "deserves" that and no mother with an ounce of nurturing instinct would ever suggest that to their own child. angry I guess you don't need me to tell you that you did the right thing in removing your children from their reach and that no SS will consider this in any other way.

TBH visiting once a month or so was already more than she deserved. But I can understand your pov in that we yearn for the parents that we think we SHOULD have.

Can't offer you much in the way of words of wisdom regarding abuse but I can in the way of toxic parents and NC.

Either way, I'm here to offer hand holding until someone with more knowledge comes along.

Sounds like you and your DH make a good team.

SanityClause Wed 30-Oct-13 22:30:24

Oh, you poor thing! What a nightmare!

You and DH did really well to protect your DC, and I am sure you will keep doing that.

Have you considered speaking to someone at NAPAC about what happened to you as a child?

Also, please know that SS will be on your side. They are there to protect children, and will see that you and your DH are doing that.

LineRunner Wed 30-Oct-13 22:31:02

Sorry I meant you could do that anyway. Typo.

IamGluezilla Wed 30-Oct-13 22:31:20

Nonsense being drama/etc and from her.

BeQuicksieorBeDead Wed 30-Oct-13 22:32:08

You deserve so much better. Thank goodness you have got your kids safety as number one priority, clearly she has got a major problem with her priorities. She is not just a bit toxic, she doesnt deserve to have you in her life.

TessTing Wed 30-Oct-13 22:34:04

Just a thought really but why would he want to return to her now? Anything changed that might have persuaded him she was worth a second thought?

Mellowandfruitful Wed 30-Oct-13 22:37:48

She doesn't have the rights in this situation, you do. You are being perfectly reasonable in protecting your children and SS would see that immediately, if they even listened to her for a moment. I really doubt she could contact them anyway - as has been said here, there is no way she could not make herself look bad.

Your mother is a complete fool and has been complicit in abuse. You deserve much better and you should not feel afraid. You have done the right thing for your children. Tbh if she goes to Spain and never comes back you'd be right to feel hugely relieved.

something2say Wed 30-Oct-13 22:38:10

There are two issues here as I see it.

1) your safety from her as she takes this man back. You did well to get her out but how do you feel about keeping her out now? Don't take seriously what she said to your husband or the threat. It's bluster.

2). The fact that she has let you down and denied your reality for so long. That is terrible but common. She would rather blame you than face reality. That means she poses an ongoing risk to you, your mental health and recovery and your children.

It seems she has issues with money as well.

How are you feeling now and what do you plan to do going forward? It may be best to start thinking that she is not good for you, as she condones lies and abuse.

justnamechanging Wed 30-Oct-13 22:39:48

I have no idea why he has returned to her now.

Also I know I could and should report the abuse again. But a part of me is still really worried that they will say I am lying again it took me years before I told DH because I had convinced myself that no-one would believe me.

Locketjuice Wed 30-Oct-13 22:41:42

You have done the right thing, don't worry about SS what's she going to say 'I think my daughters a bitch, her children are clean loved and healthy but she's mean to me!

I know it must be hard having someone your 'suppose' to be able to rely on treat you so bad but you sound much better off without wine

Locketjuice Wed 30-Oct-13 22:42:38

I would report it again by the way, he's a disgusting man and deserves nothing!

TessTing Wed 30-Oct-13 22:42:47

Have you discussed your current situation or your past experiences with your siblings? Would they want to take action now that they are adults themselves? Perhaps you might be able to have them back you up if you decided to take further action and/or report.

TessTing Wed 30-Oct-13 22:46:27

You have no need to rush into any decisions. Op you've had a huge shock and she had absolutely no right to just spring him on you like that and expect you to share in her delight at her choice of husband, particularly such a vile man.

Your children have all the love and family they need and you have been the best possible parent in protecting them from exposure to him and to your mother.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

HerrenaHarridan Wed 30-Oct-13 22:56:42

Firstly brush all thoughts of police/ss out of your mind. Even if she did actually follow through that threat, they would be on your side and see through her stupid lies.

I'm so sorry she has treated you this way. You do not deserve any of this

You need to go completely no contact. Your children do not deserve to be exposed to this woman. Well done for trying, you've given her more chances than she deserves.

Keep talking to dh and don't suppress it all any more than absolutely necessary. This can of worms will be painful but you are a survivor.

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