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Camming/using Skype to watch porn

(111 Posts)
babyotter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:13:02

Hello all,

Just got home from work and found Skype open on my DP's ipad (a message popped up onto the screen - I wasn't snooping). Thought it was a bit odd as I've never seen him use it. He was out (picking up our 15mo DS from nursery) so I had a look to see who was messaging. It was a girl's name, and one I didn't recognise, so I looked further...

You can probably guess that I found a load of contacts to random girls with pretty revealing member photos. Being a bit naive I thought maybe it was some sort of spam, but having looked through the chat history it is much more than that...

It would seem that every Thursday since I've been back at work (about 3 months and he does the childcare on that day), at about the time that our little boy is having a nap (around 1pm), he is on Skype having a bit of sex talk and 'camming'. He's changed his name, but the chat reveals it is him (location, age, job - he's a GP, that he is in a relationship but hasn't had sex in a while). I can't see what he's paid for, but is pretty obvious that he's been watching stuff from the chat.

As it is, we've not had sex for about 5 months. I am nearly seven months pregnant, and just haven't been feeling it (which I don't think it hugely unusual or unreasonable). We both go to bed very tired and he's always asleep within minutes, so it's not as if he has been rebuffed recently. I'd previously talked to him about my lack of sex drive and checked that he wasn't feeling neglected... he denied he was.

Anyway, I just don't know what to think. I know he has looked at porn in the past (I'd found on his laptop years ago and it pre-dated our relationship), and if it had just been a case of porn then I would have felt disappointed, but I could have come to terms with it. This just feels so much more like cheating. He's had one-to-one interactive contact with another woman. He knows my feelings about these things as my Dad did a similar thing to my Mum over 15 years ago (was a bit of a pioneer in internet cheating), and I didn't speak to him for years (there was more to it than that, but still, he should know better).

Sorry this is so long. Just have so many thoughts buzzing round my head. Apart from this he really is the most caring/considerate/loving partner and a wonderful father. He's home from work now and wants to know why I am quiet and withdrawn.

Any ideas how I should deal with this? Feel like I have lost so much trust and respect for him sad

maypoledancer Tue 05-Nov-13 15:58:40

Agree with MistressDeeCee. Many people, found out doing something they know is wrong or very likely to upset someone they love, will deny it, or if they cannot, will embark on damage limitation and admit only what they need to.

This doesn't mean that they won't or can't reform, or aren't very sorry, or aren't completely mortified by what they have done. In fact if they are completely mortified and horrified by their own behaviour they are more likely not to tell the whole truth if it is very damning and hurtful. People can lie out of fear, of upsetting someone or of losing everything they hold dear. And they can lie out of guilt, because they feel terrible about something they are doing and very ashamed.

They might just not give a shit, or want to have their cake and eat it; personally I can't really judge from here, not being psychic.

Everyone is flawed; what is better, to deny something because you know it's wrong, or to shrug and tell all as if it isn't? The OP said she and her dh have 'talked and talked and talked'. I don't understand why there are people who simply can't accept that he could have owned up to everything, but insist that he will have just 'lied and lied' during that conversation. It's just speculative and cruel and unhelpful.

Everyone tells lies in relationships. Usually small and harmless ones (you look great in that dress, no I don't think s/he is attractive, I love your mother, I didn't see your text). This doesn't make them an all-round terrible partner, nor does it mean that they are an habitual, pathological or cynical liar. Just because someone is secretive/dishonest about one issue it doesn't mean that they lie about everything, all the time, or don't love and value their partner, or deserve a character assassination at the hands of MNers who do this on every thread, irrespective of the damage it causes.

Maybe it's because it's porn (which I am no apologist for); if he were hiding/lying about drinking then he wouldn't be condemned like this (hope not anyway). The OP would get sympathy but encourage him to work through his problems.

But if you've been cheated on and were the last to know, there is zero tolerance when it comes to sexual transgressions. All men are liars and cheats, your husband included. LTB!!!

MistressDeeCee Tue 05-Nov-13 13:15:30

Ok he wasn't honest and continued to lie - not having my judge, jury & hang him high hat on today I'm still going to say I hope they get past this.

I'm always mindful that I don't actually know the OP or partner and from outside any relationship its very easy to gauge all by one's own moral compass, turn over every little detail then bang on & on & on about the man's faults.

I'm not saying he's right. I'm saying in reality couples get through all sorts of things. Whether lying involved or not. I can't gauge nor will I tell anybody what their moral tolerance levels should, or must be.

Simple as that

Boosterseat Tue 05-Nov-13 07:57:45

He's been caught now. & I hope he is totally honest about why, and that they can find a way to get past that.

He wasn't honest when he got caught, he lied some more.
That's not just a mistake, that's continued deception and it really isn't on.

MistressDeeCee Mon 04-Nov-13 23:52:09

Agree with maypoledancer 100%. & I hope the OP is no longer reading this thread or she'll probably be feeling far worse than she did previously.

I can't stand the way some love to over-moralise about other's DH, the male psyche etc. As if they & their DH live in an absolutely perfect world 24/7 & if he shook that world a bit then off they'd be, bag packed immediately, sailing off into a brave new life. Yeah, as if. As soon as an opinion lands that's different from the 'permananently outraged about men' crew its no longer about the OPs issue, its about focusing on tearing down alternative opinions.

Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes people don't live squeaky clean. But woe betide a man who makes a mistake in the MN world.

I don't think the OPs DH was right at all. I do think porn etc is a weakness of the mind/flesh & he probably did that kind of thing before they were married, if that's his predeliction. Who can say they 100% know the full past of every man they've been with anyway? He's been caught now. & I hope he is totally honest about why, and that they can find a way to get past that.

& for women in the porn industry, although they're being exploited I don't buy the line that they're all victims either. Particularly not in the western world.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 19:22:07

"because of course she probably will have forgotten about that."

Yes, she might well have forgotten about that.

It's the easiest thing in the world to go back to thinking that someone you only recently found out is a liar is someone you can trust.

"I'd rather think that I have a more generous view of human beings as flawed and complex but with the ability to reform and repent."

It's very obvious that that's how you like to think of yourself.

You go on about it rather a lot.

To me you come across as someone with a very obvious agenda to convince women that they should put up with everything other than violence or child abuse, regardless of their wellbeing.

I agree that people can reform and repent.

But that doesn't mean anyone else owes them destroying their own peace of mind trying to forgive them.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 18:52:47

I was trying to be helpful by reminding her of his recent dishonesty.

Ah, OK, that makes sense, because of course she probably will have forgotten about that. So it must have been really, really helpful.

Listen, you stay in your black and white world, do it your way and I shall do it mine. I'm not interested in arguing with you any more Join. You can't convince me. I think your view of the world is pretty simplistic and jaundiced but you probably think it's realistic and pragmatic. You perhaps think I lack 'basic good sense' but I'd rather think that I have a more generous view of human beings as flawed and complex but with the ability to reform and repent.

I think it is sad not to think this, to be always mistrustful and thinking the worst of everyone.

I'm happily separated but I would rather be happily married with my family intact. It's the better option and if it can be achieved then that should be encouraged. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Trust can be rebuilt.

The OP said that what I said resonated with her and I'm glad about that. I am also glad that she is feeling better and wish her the best sorting out this mess, moving forward and making a happy marriage and family again.
smile

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 18:30:12

"it isn't helpful for a stranger to insist that during that discussion he has been 'lying and lying' or that it is 'foolish and naive' to believe anything else."

Maybe it is helpful. It might be. You can't possibly know that. And it's not for you to decide.

I was trying to be helpful by reminding her of his recent dishonesty.

It's very easy to believe someone you love is telling you the truth even when there is very little reason to trust them.

It's up to her whether she believes him or not, but scepticism about his honesty would seem wise given that she has just found out that he has been lying to her for their entire relationship.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 18:17:43

It's obvious that you feel differently and believe that women's happiness and wellbeing should be sacrificed on the altar of keeping a relationship going

No, I don't think women should up with poor treatment or unhappiness just to preserve their relationship with a man. I wouldn't have left my EA husband and broken up my family if I had believed that. I think urging someone to put up with poor treatment is a bad idea.

But people can overcome difficulties in marriage and giving that a go isn't the worst idea when you are about to have a baby. When you are feeling upset and vulnerable but have had a discussion with your husband that you think has been productive and has made you feel better it isn't helpful for a stranger to insist that during that discussion he has been 'lying and lying' or that it is 'foolish and naive' to believe anything else.

It's not your place to say something like that based on a few paragraphs on an internet site; you can't possibly know what is going on in this marriage. You give a strong impression of wanting to fill the OP's mind with doubts because you happen to think he doesn't deserve another chance. People can and do mend their ways and overcome unhealthy habits and compulsions.

And I am not 'following you around', I've been on these threads a lot this weekend and have been really struck by how hectoring, dogmatic and one-size-fits-all much of your advice has been.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 17:41:12

I was just pointing out that he was lying to her face about the extent of his involvement with this until she presented him with evidence to the contrary.

It would be very foolish and naive to imagine that he is being truthful now.

That's just basic good sense.

"It must be horrible to feel as you do."

How I feel is that women shouldn't have to put up with poor treatment or unhappiness just to preserve their relationship with a man.

It's obvious that you feel differently and believe that women's happiness and wellbeing should be sacrificed on the altar of keeping a relationship going, no matter how badly it serves her.

I think that view is a disturbing one, and peddling it to the vulnerable is pretty nasty. But I don't follow you around from thread to thread telling you to get counselling.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 11:56:15

Mayfield you are talking utter shite and you know it.

What an aggressive and mindless statement.

Join every post I see you make on these boards makes you look like another embittered, angry person determined to recruit new members to a gang of wronged women.

Why don't you get some counselling to try to rid yourself of a view of half the human race that is so negative it makes you sit on these boards trying to convince people that they or their partners are liars and cheats? I mean that kindly, honestly. It's a pretty toxic way to behave (especially to a pregnant woman). Do you think it helps anyone in any way, apart from you perhaps (because you seem like you need to vent all the time)? It must be horrible to feel as you do.

HotDogSlaughter Sun 03-Nov-13 11:29:16

Mayfield you are talking utter shite and you know it.

Mapleissweet Sun 03-Nov-13 08:21:35

Just because op's dh has a sex addiction of sorts does not automatically mean everything is over.
He has behaved appallingly and I suspect it will take an awful lot if work, upset and difficult times to move on. The whole Ltb is not always that easy or the right thing to do when everything us taken into account.
Op I hope you find the strength to get through the next few months. I went through a very difficult time with my dh after dc4, he did some very poor things (not unfaithful but selfish and of poor judgement). It has been a difficult road, but absolutely the right road. He has changed a certain part of his character and done some serious self reflection.
I hope your dh can truely see the hurt he has caused and do everything he can to save his family.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 07:21:59

Just remember that in all that talking and talking and talking the chances are that he was lying and lying and lying.

You can't believe anything he says about this, as he has proved to you already.

maypoledancer Sun 03-Nov-13 00:01:36

He's talked you round then OP.
See you back on here soon.

What a spiteful and projecting thing to say - and to a woman in her last trimester of pregnancy who is having a horrible time. Absolutely shameful. What are you trying to achieve? Are you affronted if someone doesn't want to follow your hysterical, man-hating LTB 'advice'?

I can remember being on these boards a long tme ago and someone posting that there were vultures on MN who circled hoping to feed on dying relationships.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but this seems to me to be a good example of that. But perhaps only to be expected from someone who said upthread that children are 'better off' if their dad fucks off out of their lives.

He's talked you round then OP.

See you back on here soon.

HotDogSlaughter Sat 02-Nov-13 22:25:13

I am so glad you feel more positive op.

I must say I agree with UA on a lot of this. Heavy porn use does affect the way men perceive women in everyday circumstance. I wouldn't like it if my GP was that fixed on pornography. But in the real world we don't have a clue.

I wish you all the best and every happiness op.

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 22:22:46

Glad you are feeling better OP and really hope you can move on from this and emerge with a stronger marriage and a happy family unit.

Good luck with everything, especially your new baby. smile

Vivacia Sat 02-Nov-13 22:14:48

I know what you mean about it being therapeutic, I'd have wanted to smash screens to smithereens.

babyotter Sat 02-Nov-13 22:03:43

Hey, don't worry about the derailing. Was a distraction at least.

A lot of what maypole said resonated with me - I am also a doctor, and having been out with quite a few other doctors blush , there are definitely some very odd characters out there.

I also agree about the parenting thing - am going to turn it off - but it was quite therapeutic doing it in the first place.

We've talked and talked and talked. I am exhausted but starting to feel a bit more positive again. Thanks everyone. thanks

Handbagsonnhold Sat 02-Nov-13 21:28:34

Yes Amazon, in hindsight I agree....Hands up, particularly the last sentence could have offended and that is why I apologised to Op for any upset caused.

Handbags wrote 'I personally wouldn't care how much my GP enjoyed porn....cam shows....etc etc as long as he was an excellent doctor....and refrained from his antics during my appointment!!!!'

I find that offensive.

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 20:59:23

Yep, sorry OP. There is some really offensive stuff on here now and I apologise for provoking it, albeit unwittingly. xx

Handbagsonnhold Sat 02-Nov-13 20:55:52

Mellow I agree ....and Op I truly apologise if it has offended you. Thinking of you x

Vivacia Sat 02-Nov-13 20:54:31

Viv, I am intrigued by your use of 'professional'

Er, that a doctor is a professional. Tin-pot enough for you?

Mellowandfruitful Sat 02-Nov-13 20:52:25

I think the professionals using porn discussion is becoming a bit derailing here and that would be a shame for the OP, who has said this is pretty much her only source of support.

OP, so sorry for you that this has happened. I think you're right to want him to show initiative in trying to fix this. It isn't impossible, although those posters saying how hard it is to rebuild trust are ones to listen to. But he has to understand what he is losing and be willing to make the drastic changes necessary to avoid that, if he really wants to.

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