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Camming/using Skype to watch porn

(111 Posts)
babyotter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:13:02

Hello all,

Just got home from work and found Skype open on my DP's ipad (a message popped up onto the screen - I wasn't snooping). Thought it was a bit odd as I've never seen him use it. He was out (picking up our 15mo DS from nursery) so I had a look to see who was messaging. It was a girl's name, and one I didn't recognise, so I looked further...

You can probably guess that I found a load of contacts to random girls with pretty revealing member photos. Being a bit naive I thought maybe it was some sort of spam, but having looked through the chat history it is much more than that...

It would seem that every Thursday since I've been back at work (about 3 months and he does the childcare on that day), at about the time that our little boy is having a nap (around 1pm), he is on Skype having a bit of sex talk and 'camming'. He's changed his name, but the chat reveals it is him (location, age, job - he's a GP, that he is in a relationship but hasn't had sex in a while). I can't see what he's paid for, but is pretty obvious that he's been watching stuff from the chat.

As it is, we've not had sex for about 5 months. I am nearly seven months pregnant, and just haven't been feeling it (which I don't think it hugely unusual or unreasonable). We both go to bed very tired and he's always asleep within minutes, so it's not as if he has been rebuffed recently. I'd previously talked to him about my lack of sex drive and checked that he wasn't feeling neglected... he denied he was.

Anyway, I just don't know what to think. I know he has looked at porn in the past (I'd found on his laptop years ago and it pre-dated our relationship), and if it had just been a case of porn then I would have felt disappointed, but I could have come to terms with it. This just feels so much more like cheating. He's had one-to-one interactive contact with another woman. He knows my feelings about these things as my Dad did a similar thing to my Mum over 15 years ago (was a bit of a pioneer in internet cheating), and I didn't speak to him for years (there was more to it than that, but still, he should know better).

Sorry this is so long. Just have so many thoughts buzzing round my head. Apart from this he really is the most caring/considerate/loving partner and a wonderful father. He's home from work now and wants to know why I am quiet and withdrawn.

Any ideas how I should deal with this? Feel like I have lost so much trust and respect for him sad

Andy1964 Thu 31-Oct-13 12:19:05

Woah!!!!!

STOP!!!!

Read my post correctly.

'He needs some release and he feels he can't approach you for it so he is seeking it elsewhere'

I then went on to say

"It's not the right way about dealing with things though and you both need to confront it."

In no way do I condone his actions, I am merely trying to put forward a reason for his actions which no one else has done yet.

Pumpkinupthejam Thu 31-Oct-13 18:41:58

So you agree Andy the reason for his behaviour is that he believes he's entitled to interact sexually with another woman while his pregnant DP is out of the house?

DownstairsMixUp Thu 31-Oct-13 18:47:55

I'll probably get shot down but I'd be on the verge of leaving him if he didn't see what he was doing was REALLY wrong. Sorry OP, I don't personally agree with porn either but PAYING someone to "get his release" hmm is a deal breaker for me.

Juliaparker25 Thu 31-Oct-13 18:56:23

DTB

festered Thu 31-Oct-13 19:24:07

sad
I'm so so sorry OP. This is definitely worse than watching porn, It's more expensive for a reason. It's interactive-It's a 'personal' show.

I will say that I don't think it necessarily means he's looking to have sex with someone , because he's buying camshows.
I do webcam work. I know a lot of girls who do webcam work-they generally are not escorts as well and the general consensus is we would never meet somebody in real life, who had bought a show.

However, It's bad enough as it is-that he's done this, regardless of whether he'd go further with it given the opportunity or not.

You're pregnant with his child, which makes his behaviour worse IMO but even if you weren't, It's a huge betrayal.
In your situation, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but it would definitely be a 'I'm moving out to stay at insert friend/family member's and I will be back when I know if I can forgive you or not.
This is not a minor thing. But I think in an otherwise good relationship, it can be worked through.

babyotter Thu 31-Oct-13 19:57:33

Thanks everyone. I was finding it difficult to talk to him so I messaged him my original posting here, with the annotation being, 'read this, I don't know what to say, obviously this is about you' (that was last night).

He broke down and admitted everything (well, he could hardly deny it), but said he had always cut off the chat before anyone appeared as he was so ashamed at what he was doing. I'm not sure that makes it any better, as I'm sure if I hadn't found out, it would have led to that eventually. But at least it rids me of that imagery in my head.

What troubles me is that despite the fact that he was feeling guilty and didn't actually watch any cams (supposedly), he kept going back at practically every opportunity. I've checked his paypal and there aren't any charges so it doesn't look like he has paid for anything.

I've said no more porn, ever (which is where this has stemmed from - pop ups on porn websites). And I want him to get in touch with a psychosexual counsellor. Not sure if it will be any use, but he can't explain why he kept going back week after week, even when it was making him feel so guilty (obviously not guilty enough though).

I need him to try and have mechanisms in place so that in a few years (?) time, when the guilt has worn off and he's a bit bored, he doesn't think he'll have another little look and hide his tracks better. Or do worse.

I'm still really hurting and it's going to take a long time before I can trust him. I don't think this will ever completely go away, I'll always have a little niggly worry in my mind when he is home alone, or away without me. But the little niggly worry or loss of trust is not overwhelming enough to make me want to leave. We need to keep our little family together, as despite this it is wonderful being parents together and I am still very excited about being a new mum again in Jan.

Again, thanks everyone for your support.

Mapleissweet Thu 31-Oct-13 20:04:38

I understand op. hope you're ok and that your dh realises how incredibly lucky he us to still have you as his dw.
He needs to pull out all the stops to make it up to you and really think about why he would feel it was actors me to behave so poorly.
How long had it been going on for?

JoinYourPlayfuckers Thu 31-Oct-13 20:06:22

"but said he had always cut off the chat before anyone appeared as he was so ashamed at what he was doing."

That is a lie.

YesterdayI Thu 31-Oct-13 20:15:22

What a sad thread. I feel so sorry for you OP. I would be totally gutted.
You might want yo consider couples counselling so that you can both work out how you are going to deal with this.
I would be worried that I would never be able to forgive and that I would be angry at him forever more.

He is was an idiot to list his age/location/job! I can't believe he would be so stupid.

I know you should be able to trust him but I would put measures in place so that he is unable to watch any porn at home again. I would get a IT specialist in if need be. I know this can't stop him when he is out the house/ not on his own mobile etc but it won't do any harm either.

Vivacia Thu 31-Oct-13 20:23:46

it's going to take a long time before I can trust him. I don't think this will ever completely go away, I'll always have a little niggly worry in my mind when he is home alone, or away without me.

I would tell him this, but it's his problem not yours. Ask him what he suggests.

Handbagsonnhold Thu 31-Oct-13 20:29:02

Sorry you have this to deal with Op ....I have had a similar experience in the past. I personally have no problem with oh watching the odd bit of porn ....but I find anything over the net in the way of relationship forming (be it very losely) ie chatting/webcams a totally different league. Awful for you that he was doing this during ds napping times! I hope you can sort this and learn to trust him again. Sometimes when these habits get discovered they just push the habit further under stones. I hope he can be open with you.

Thinking of you and good luck x

AnandaTimeIn Thu 31-Oct-13 22:12:22

He's a GP?

God love us all....

Glad he's not mine <sorry OP>

Andy1964 Fri 01-Nov-13 09:21:24

I'm glad you you have found a way to broach the subject with him. It can't have been easy for you and you should be proud of yourself.
Now it's out in the open I hope you can both talk about it;

His reasons
What he got out of it
How you feel about his actions
How you feel about leaving him alone
How he thinks he is going to avoid it in the future.

All these any many more things now need to be spoken about openly between the two of you, you both need to get a handle on why this has happened.
At least you have take the first step on what may be a long road to recovery.

I'd like to take this opportunity to reply to Pumpkinupthejam;

"So you agree Andy the reason for his behaviour is that he believes he's entitled to interact sexually with another woman while his pregnant DP is out of the house?"

I said in NO WAY do I condone his behaviour. He IS NOT entitled to interract with another person sexually.

I do understand that he MAY have become frustrated. We all know that having a young family and one on the way can have an adverse affect on couples libido. It's a hard time for most couples, period, regardless of anything else.
His frustration SHOULD have been discussed with his wife. Talking about sex is never easy in a relationship and even more so when you are bringing up and creating a new family so I can understand how this happened but;

HE WENT ABOUT HIS FRUSTRATIONS IN THE WRONG WAY. WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG, HURTFULL AND DISRESPECTFUL.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can make that.

BOOsterseat Fri 01-Nov-13 09:36:00

Talking about sex is never easy in a relationship and even more so when you are bringing up and creating a new family so I can understand how this happened but;

No it isn't, not in most adult relationships. I don't find it difficult to talk about sex, probably because I have nothing to hide.

Babyotter Keep communicating, don't bottle up how you feel as you will build resentment that you might never recover from.

If he goes out of his way to reassure you and make positive, productive steps to understand how much this has hurt you, it will go a hell of a long way to repair the damage he has done to your relationship.

Talking about sex in a relationship is only awkward if the both parties aren't being completely honest about what they want/need. You asked him and he said he was satisfied,he lied. I would have a bigger problem with the lies than the porn despite both being deal breakers for me.

Jan45 Fri 01-Nov-13 11:17:07

I don't believe him either about cutting the chat or not paying for it - regardless of the dirty details, he's cheated on you, he can't be trusted and is a sneak - it's now up to him to reverse that description of himself - and will be up to you if you can believe he can, will or indeed if you can ever trust him again but remember, this is up to him to change, not you, no amount of frustration or looking for a `release` justifies doing this kind of thing, I would seriously be wondering what else he is capable of, either in the past or the future.

Good luck, I hope you work it out with him.

PottedPlant Fri 01-Nov-13 11:22:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

festered Fri 01-Nov-13 12:14:15

OP paypal don't accept adult transactions so while some webcam girls do use paypal (risking getting their account shut down)it is more likely that if he HAS paid a webcam girl, he has used some other method. ..I don't mean he's definitely lying about not having watched a cam, I just mean if he has paid it probably wouldn't be paypal.
Webcam girls usually ask for payment upfront (to avoid customers not paying)!xx

Pumpkinupthejam Fri 01-Nov-13 19:22:41

I dont find talking about sex in a relationship difficult either.

If I was frustrated I would say so and expect to be listened to. Same for a partner.

However hes not talking about it and has been interacting with other women on line.

I don't think this is about frustration at all. Simple frustration would have led either to him having a wank or having a conversation with OP.

I'm afraid I think he did it simply because he got a big kick out of doing it, and waited until his DP was out working because he knew perfectly well she wouldn't find it acceptable.

We are talking about character here, not circumstance.

Shapechanger Fri 01-Nov-13 19:57:33

He's a GP?
God love us all....
Glad he's not mine <sorry OP>

WTF? hmm

Vivacia Fri 01-Nov-13 20:34:06

Yeah, I thought that was a particularly unhelpful post.

babyotter Fri 01-Nov-13 21:03:58

Yep, it was a lie. Checked his bank account. He's just admitted he's been doing it for years and years.

Handbagsonnhold Fri 01-Nov-13 21:11:48

Op so sorry.... You really don't need this on your plate. Thinking of you x

Mapleissweet Fri 01-Nov-13 21:15:40

What are you going to do?
He has been camming for years?
Stay strong.

Mapleissweet Fri 01-Nov-13 21:18:14

What did it come up as on his bank account?

babyotter Fri 01-Nov-13 21:30:33

clickandbuy

Can't believe that he thought he could get away with extending the lie and not shred his bank statements. I'd even told him I was going to check. Can't look at his phone bills yet as all online, but feel I need to see those too.

I gave him so many opportunities to tell the truth, repeatedly said, 'so I've just happened to find out everything in one go... what else is there?'. He lied so convincingly, and was able to so quickly and on the spot.

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