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Camming/using Skype to watch porn

(111 Posts)
babyotter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:13:02

Hello all,

Just got home from work and found Skype open on my DP's ipad (a message popped up onto the screen - I wasn't snooping). Thought it was a bit odd as I've never seen him use it. He was out (picking up our 15mo DS from nursery) so I had a look to see who was messaging. It was a girl's name, and one I didn't recognise, so I looked further...

You can probably guess that I found a load of contacts to random girls with pretty revealing member photos. Being a bit naive I thought maybe it was some sort of spam, but having looked through the chat history it is much more than that...

It would seem that every Thursday since I've been back at work (about 3 months and he does the childcare on that day), at about the time that our little boy is having a nap (around 1pm), he is on Skype having a bit of sex talk and 'camming'. He's changed his name, but the chat reveals it is him (location, age, job - he's a GP, that he is in a relationship but hasn't had sex in a while). I can't see what he's paid for, but is pretty obvious that he's been watching stuff from the chat.

As it is, we've not had sex for about 5 months. I am nearly seven months pregnant, and just haven't been feeling it (which I don't think it hugely unusual or unreasonable). We both go to bed very tired and he's always asleep within minutes, so it's not as if he has been rebuffed recently. I'd previously talked to him about my lack of sex drive and checked that he wasn't feeling neglected... he denied he was.

Anyway, I just don't know what to think. I know he has looked at porn in the past (I'd found on his laptop years ago and it pre-dated our relationship), and if it had just been a case of porn then I would have felt disappointed, but I could have come to terms with it. This just feels so much more like cheating. He's had one-to-one interactive contact with another woman. He knows my feelings about these things as my Dad did a similar thing to my Mum over 15 years ago (was a bit of a pioneer in internet cheating), and I didn't speak to him for years (there was more to it than that, but still, he should know better).

Sorry this is so long. Just have so many thoughts buzzing round my head. Apart from this he really is the most caring/considerate/loving partner and a wonderful father. He's home from work now and wants to know why I am quiet and withdrawn.

Any ideas how I should deal with this? Feel like I have lost so much trust and respect for him sad

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 20:23:22

I'm sorry. sad You really don't need this at 7 months pregnant.

I'm not surprised you've lost trust and respect for him. It IS a form of cheating - it's sexual interaction with a living person. The fact that the person is probably being paid for it and putting on a persona makes it worse, rather than better. I'd say it's akin to a serious emotional affair.

For me, the fact that it involves sexual exploitation of other women would be a deal-breaker and I'd leave. But I'm not you and that isn't your line in the sand or else you wouldn't have moved in with him and got pregnant after you discovered him using porn previously. Therefore, if you want to get past this, you have to treat it as an emotional affair and decide if that's your deal-breaker. If it's not, the onus is on him to earn back your trust and respect.

Hope you get through this. flowers

babyotter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:31:24

Thanks Dahlen. I'd never have expected him to have done something like this, I've only really heard of it from watching a TV programme about it (and the girls who do it who can make rather a lot of money).

I'm just not sure how much of a jump it is from watching porn, I mean in his mind will he have boxed it up as about the same? Or is it the next step up on a continuum that leads to more?

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 20:39:32

It's a step up IMO. If you were going to compare it to something innocuous, I'd compare talking to someone on camera instead of just viewing normal porn as the same distinction between buying something off the peg and having a suit custom-made for you.

I don't think it would take more than five minutes thought about it for most people to reach the same conclusion - the exception being if you are trying to minimise it or justify it. I've no doubt that your DP will, when tackled, claim that because it's someone doing it for money on a screen it's not the same as a real affair. And it isn't, but that doesn't make it in any way better, either. At least with a real affair the unfaithful person can pretend that their head was turned by a special someone, whereas your DP has actively gone seeking this out.

I really am sorry. Do you have a good support network you can lean on while you process this and decide what you want to do?

babyotter Wed 30-Oct-13 20:57:02

It's just so embarrassing, and I feel ashamed. We've not long lived in this area (15 months), and I've made some great friends, but I'm not sure I want them to know what my seemingly amazing DP has been up to. I'll probably talk to one of them, but is going to be hard.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to say something to him imminently, he's home alone again tomorrow and I couldn't work imaging what he might be up to.

I think when I do confront him he will be hugely apologetic and ashamed of himself. I just want to pretend I hadn't found it and continue along in my smug happiness of how wonderful our life was here with our new (and growing) little family.

Thanks again for your support.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 21:03:50

You've done nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Your DP has but if he's an otherwise decent man he's not beyond redemption. That's the case regardless of whether or not you decide to forgive this or end things.

You're pregnant and vulnerable. You don't have to make a decision about anything until you're ready. The only thing you need to promise yourself is that if your DP starts trying to lay the blame for his actions on you, you won't accept that as he made a choice to seek this out.

If he's genuinely remorseful and you want to work through this, I'd really recommend you both looking into the ethical arguments surrounding porn and the online sex industry, both from an exploitation perspective and from a relationship perspective. It's easy to find out about this online. Treat it as an academic exercise - something which should come naturally to your GP DP. He may decide he still wants to look at porn at the end of it, but you'll both have a much clearer idea about what is acceptable in your relationship, why, and what you stand to lose if you don't respect each other's boundaries.

For now though just take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 21:17:01

I think I would tell him that I knew, and my head was a mess. I needed time to come to terms with my thoughts and feelings. And I'd ask him to pack a bag for when I got back from work tomorrow.

Twinklestein Wed 30-Oct-13 21:17:32

Porn is one thing, but camming is another - a more serious offence.

Is he camming himself? Or is he just watching women?

Twinklestein Wed 30-Oct-13 21:28:59

He's being incredibly naïve listing his real job, age & location...

And, if he's been camming himself, that footage could end up anywhere...

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 30-Oct-13 21:48:21

Sorry but I think this is much worse than porn. It's interactive and the women are "real". All he has to do is search for women in your area (could you see any locations on the profiles you looked at?) and boom - next step is going to one of their houses and paying for sex. Please be very careful.

str8tothepoint Thu 31-Oct-13 05:41:33

Hmm I use to do this with OW DP as we live an hour away we would Skype each other before she got home from work. It is a big buzz doing it but I'm single with no kids. It's easy way to pass the time, think you should just ask him what it's about before working yourself up especially as your not far from birth. It is probably just harmless

MistressDeeCee Thu 31-Oct-13 06:56:36

This is a difficult one.Your DP has done wrong but I don't feel because he's getting his thrills looking/chatting to women via webcam, it means he's going to have sex.& he isn't looking for an intimate long term relationship with these women. Whilst its wrong, it would be somehow worse if it were 1 woman - 'Miss Ordinary' if you like - & he was sharing thoughts, hopes, emotions etc with her.

I do think your relationship could be redeemed. Its an unfortunate fact of life that yes, some men are into sex lines, camming etc whether they have partners or not and are able to be quite detached about it.

Talk to him let him know what you found and exactly how you feel about it; it seems obvious he's overstepped boundaries and made you unhappy and he needs to be made very aware of that. I hope you can sort things out together, especially as you'll have a beautiful new addition to your family soon. Good luck.

FatherJake Thu 31-Oct-13 07:07:01

Agree with the last post. To take a leap that he is going to jump from this to going off to pay for sechs is quite outrageous. When you think about it there is almost no difference between watching a p0rn film on the internet and having what is I imagine a p0rn actress doing the same things on the same screen. I very much doubt it is two way.

You have basically embarrassingly caught him doing what many men are doing at a time when they don't want to pester their wives for secs. Assuming there's nothing else sinister let it go and enjoy the new baby.

FatherJake Thu 31-Oct-13 07:16:36

And as for this being akin to an emotional affair as per one of the comments, that is simply preposterous and shows no understanding of how the male mind works.

Mapleissweet Thu 31-Oct-13 07:28:54

His wife is pregnant, feeling crap and in a vulnerable place. Her dh thinks it's acceptable to webcam other women while she works. Not nice at all. Very disrespectful, shallow, selfish and deceitful. If it's acceptable, why hide it?

Wanking over a woman is performing for him exclusively is very very low indeed. Poor op.

This would be a massive turn off for me. I couldn't respect my dh if he did this.

Vivacia Thu 31-Oct-13 07:30:22

Its an unfortunate fact of life that...

Yes, there are quite a few unfortunate facts of life. Doesn't mean that they need to be expected, accepted or tolerated.

FatherJake let me help you with that one, it's "sex".

This isn't normal behaviour. It's not normal to pay for sexual services. It's not normal to pay for sexual services when in a relationship. It's not normal to pay for sexual services during your son's nap time.

FatherJake Thu 31-Oct-13 08:13:25

Mapleissweet and Vivacia - paying for secsual services presumably includes paying for p0rn or buying a p0rn dvd? There is no difference here. And what possible relevance is it that the woman is performing exclusively - which presumably is some people's fantasy when they're watching normal p0rn anyway? This is not some sort of relationship or cheating, this is just p0rn.

And as for 'if it's acceptable why hide it?' Well that is ridiculous - many people do not broadcast their p0rn watching to their partner.

If the OP has a problem with p0rn then that is one thing. But if the argument is that this is somehow worse or more deceitful then IMO you are wrong.

Mapleissweet Thu 31-Oct-13 09:33:41

It is entirely different to porn (which in any event I don't agree with anyway). The point is his wife is pregnant and working, while he wanks to a young girl doing sex acts fir him while his son naps.

Who can respect someone who has such insensitivity and inappropriate behaviour for a married man. Why can't he control himself?

Mapleissweet Thu 31-Oct-13 09:44:21

It is entirely different to porn (which in any event I don't agree with anyway). The point is his wife is pregnant and working, while he wanks to a young girl doing sex acts fir him while his son naps.

Who can respect someone who has such insensitivity and inappropriate behaviour for a married man. Why can't he control himself?

Andy1964 Thu 31-Oct-13 09:58:13

First off, none of this is your fault. Stop feeling ashamed. No one, other than the two of you need feel ashamed.
Secondly, you don't always have to pay. On some sites people just broadcast themselves for the kick.

Everyone is right, this is a step up from looking at porn and the issue needs to be addressed but I do get it (probably get beateed up on here for this point of view)
He needs some release and he feels he can't approach you for it so he is seeking it elsewhere. I very much doubt his intentions are anything other than 'getting off' online so I would not worry about him wandering for real.
It's not the right way about dealing with things though and you both need to confront it.
Babe, it won't be an easy conversation and I don't envy you but I think you need to have it. Your going to have to bring it up as he, for obvious reasons won't.
My best advice, for real life, your going to nave to just blurt it out as I don't think there is going to be any easy way of saying things.

We all have to face up to errors that we make in life as will your DP, he will realise what a cock he looks and will be beside himself for letting you down.

Most of all, YOU will be fine. Get it out in the open, sort it out and move on with your new family.

Really easy for me to say, hard for you to deal with, good luck

Twinklestein Thu 31-Oct-13 11:33:41

It's not entirely clear from the OP whether he has just been watching cam girls or if he's been on a sex site doing interactive camming... 'pretty revealing member photos' suggests the latter..

BelaLugosisShed Thu 31-Oct-13 11:47:25

"He needs some release" hmm

There's a huge difference between getting a release from simple and effective masturbation and interacting sexually (or is it secsually? hmm ) with other people online.
It's no different to him inviting someone to the house so they can masturbate in front of each other - it's infidelity to anyone in a monogamous relationship and completely unacceptable.

Mapleissweet Thu 31-Oct-13 11:51:04

He's basically saying my needs come first regardless of anything else.

Needs a "release"?

Oh FFS that one again?

I'm sure that he is quite capable of understanding his wife is 7 months pregnant, looking after a toddler and working and quite possibly not up for sex.
I'm sure if he is so desperate for this "release" whilst his child is having an afternoon nap, there are other ways of doing it, rather than talking to, and watching/interacting with someone on the Internet.

And, actually it's not a fact of life.

I'm pretty damn sure that my DH did not seek out actual people on Skype to perform sex acts to get him off when I was pregnant with ds2 and we didnt have sex for months.

Jan45 Thu 31-Oct-13 12:18:16

He needs a release??? Don't we all but we don't sign up to webcam sites and have sexual chat and activity with strangers!

I'm afraid he will be paying for their services, it doesn't come free and I would definitely view it as a form of cheating, what else could you call it, it's not innocent friendly chatting is it.

The amount of stories you hear about this kind of thing when women are pregnant astounds me and it just goes to show the men are complete creeps to do such a horrible thing to their partner at such a precious time of life.

I'd be wondering what else he's up to tbh, I certainly wouldn't trust him again, you have to let him know this is not acceptable.

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