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What do I do now? Porn related

(23 Posts)
dhisawanker Wed 30-Oct-13 13:59:43

Here is link to original thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1856263-Husband-on-dating-sites-how-original

I have split up with husband and just feel contempt for him so no worries on that score. But my 9year old told me this morning that he saw daddy watching naked ladies on the family pc while he was in the room. I feel sick. H was/is a habitual porn user but i thought he kept it private but no it seems every chance he had he was on pc watching porn.

I feel sick. How does my son get over this?

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 14:04:46

Is there something for your DS to get over? Did he seem upset or was he just floating the question out there to get an idea if it was wrong or not? Having had some interesting conversations with cubs your DS's age, 'naked ladies' are not completely off their radar.

Handbagsonnhold Wed 30-Oct-13 14:12:39

How often does he stay with his father? Get some ground rules sorted....I'd be horrified .....especially from your prev post it was all really explicit stuff....you must be worried speak to him

dhisawanker Wed 30-Oct-13 14:15:11

its not just 'naked ladies' its v hard stuff. She male porn in particular . he goes to his dads every other weekend.

He said ' i wanted to tell you but i didnt want you to split with daddy'

just feel awful

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 14:19:44

Email your ex? "Our son has seen you watching two people do X, Y and Z to each other on your computer. He is only 9 years old. How do propose explaining this to him?".

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 14:20:18

Sorry, not a very helpful reply that, just pissed off on your behalf.

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 14:23:02

Another unhelpful suggestion: Email him with, "Our son has confided seeing hardcore porn involving two people do X and Y to each other. He won't tell me where he was exposed to this, but I suspect it might be at his friend's house. What should we do? Obviously exposing a 9 year old to porn is considered child abuse, but there's also the issue of helping him deal with what he's seen."

Handbagsonnhold Wed 30-Oct-13 14:24:50

Is he still at his mums? Does your son use the pc also.... I would be very reluctant to let him stay there. It may not be just a naked lady that pops up next time. Thinking of you op x

BritInTDot Wed 30-Oct-13 14:32:21

Personally, I wouldn't want him staying over with his dad if this is what he is being exposed to. I would prefer supervised visits or days out together. I think you need to do what vivacia said (the first suggestion).

Sorry you and your son are having to deal with this sad

joblot Wed 30-Oct-13 14:33:09

I'd stop contact until you get some clear boundaries in place with ex. This is on edge of child protection, children are damaged by this kind of stuff. I'm not being alarmist but his dad clearly iisn't prioritizing son's needs, which makes him not a good enough parent

SinisterSal Wed 30-Oct-13 14:36:25

Watching porn with kids in the room is totally unacceptable, raging on your behalf.

I wouldn't be happy with my child going over there if he doesn't know that basic fact.

dhisawanker Wed 30-Oct-13 14:41:26

Thank you. H just doesnt seem to get it at all. He feels he is entitled and all men 'get their rocks off'

He is not at his mums anymore. He is private renting.

He is a fucking cock.

dhisawanker Wed 30-Oct-13 14:44:13

He was texting me all last week saying that i should know some 'truths'. I emailed him back this

And he then accused me of being abusive.

Here is my email

1) Thank you for confirming that you bought the services of a prostitute
2) You meet some girl who was sooo horrible you only grabbed her breasts in the car. Wasnt worth a shag from you huh?
3) And that you were knocking off some women at work whilst i was heavily pregnant with child
4) Oh and that i TRAPPED you with child because obviously you have sooooo much to offer to everyone. Oh poor you.
5) Oh you didnt love me till we moved. So for a WHOLE two years you didnt love me but you still took in a region of £2000 from me. What a class act you are.
6) You went on porn and online sex sites looking for people because you were bored? boak. When im bored i normally do something productive

The whole relationship was based on a lie. Your parents must be soo proud of you right now

I have passed all your texts and print screens to the solicitor. I was just gonna use unreasonable behavior but hey now... i think my truths should come out and no other woman gets caught in your lies.

ps i have copied your dad in.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 14:44:40

I think you need to ask DS when & where he saw this. If it was on the family PC before the split, one time, multiple times or whether it's more recent ie. still going on. If he says he was afraid you'd split up, that suggests it was pre-split not since. If it's been on recent visits then you take a different approach

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 14:46:01

What on earth do you hope to achieve with that e-mail except scorn? hmm 'You'll hear from my solicitor' is all you ever need to say to him.

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 14:49:04

I'm not too sure why you emailed all of that to him.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 14:49:24

First things first I think you need to establish exactly what your DS has seen. Seeing a naked 'she-male' might make him feel a bit disturbed, but it's unlikely to have the same effect as watching two of them having sex on screen. He may need to talk to someone about this, and as his mum it's unlikely that you would be his first choice.

Secondly, a long chat about internet use and porn is needed. You can't control your DS's access to it. It would be nice to think that a child's own father doesn't expose him to hardcore porn, but within a year or two your DS is likely to be viewing quite hardcore images for himself or with his peers. The average age at which a child accesses online porn is 11. All you can do is teach him about internet safety and how to deal with things he may stumble across inadvertently. Teach him that it's not real and ask him to think about the ethics involved. Give him the critical thinking skills to deal with what he will inevitably be exposed to.

Thirdly, consider how to handle your H. If he is regularly exposing your DS to this then he is committing a serious sex offence, could end up on the sex offender's register and may end up having his contact with his child limited. It may be worth pointing this out to him, so that he realises this is legally condemned, not just you being an uptight woman who doesn't like porn. hmm

dhisawanker Wed 30-Oct-13 14:54:36

I dont care if i get scorn to be honest. I had over 200 texts from him over a day and a half. I didnt reply and the only person he listens to is his dad.

I have explained to him but yes i am considered to be 'frigid'

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 14:54:53

While I understand why you sent that email, it wasn't the wisest move. Cool, detached disdain is the only way to deal with people like your X who think they are right and everyone else is wrong/over-reacting. It teaches them that it doesn't matter whether you think they are right or wrong you will do x anyway.

Vivacia Wed 30-Oct-13 15:03:03

Yes, cool, dignified detachment.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 15:04:17

Ok, here's what I would do in your shoes:

Suspend contact between DS and STBXH until you have established a safe means of facilitating it.

Stop all contact with your X unless it is via a solicitor.

Send a letter to your X explaining the above, and stating quite clearly that you are not preventing contact you are simply asking for supervised contact while you deal with DS to establish the damage caused by what he has seen. It is a safeguarding issue that you wish to keep low key for now but if you are hassled about it you will involved SS and CAFCASS in a bid to keep things fair. Insist on contact at a contact centre or by a mutually agreeable third party, but not you or his parents.

Tell him that while he is free to email or text you about contact, you will only enter into discussion about the times and dates of contact arrangements, nothing more. Not the validity of those arrangements, which should be discussed via solicitors, not the marriage breakup. Any other communication will not be answered, will be construed as harassment and may result in you involving the police.

mummybearah Wed 30-Oct-13 15:34:25

I like Vivacia's second suggestion.

Andy1964 Wed 30-Oct-13 15:47:13

Wot Dahlen said ^^

The guy sounds like a freak to me

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