Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I feel like I don't matter :-(

(10 Posts)
sweetpud Wed 30-Oct-13 11:11:34

I am starting to feel that I really don't matter to people anymore and I am finding that the small things which never bothered me before, are starting to bother now, and I don't know why or what to do!

I've been married 25 years to a good man who I class as my best friend, he is old fashioned, but that has never really bothered me too much. We have always had to be careful with money but have never rowed about that or much else really, though we can bicker sometimes, and he can be very stubborn, and its pretty much me that has to back down or resolve things.

We have always had a goodt sex life, quality more than quantity, but that has gone down the pan a bit since our 22 year old ds moved back home. We do love each other and can be affectionate, but
I know for a fact that Dh does indulge in a bit of diy, so I sometimes feel very resentful when I've gone without for a while, and he isn't making a move as he has had a bit of relief. He has always had a thing for big boobs aswell, which I sadly don't posess, and even though he says there is nothing wrong with mine it still gets to me when he looks at well endowed women, which he does often, especially if he thinks I'm not looking!

We never really go out anywhere, unless I suggest it and have settled into a nightly routine of us both sat watching tv or talking, whilst dh sits with a vodka in hand!
Dh retires from his job in 6 months and I am scared that by the time his retirement comes around that he will be a full blown alcoholic!
My own mother died from an illness related to drink, so I know how it is first hand.
He seems to have got lazier aswell and jobs never get done around the house unless I constantly mention it, and if dh or ds damage or break anything then it just gets left, as if it doesn't matter. I feel like giving up sometimes, am fed up living like that and trying to keep this place tidy and clean.

My ds has recently moved back home after 18 months, goes to uni part time and has a small part time job at weekends. He comes and goes here as he wants, treats the place like a S**t tip, especially the front of our house, and I constantly have to get on his case about keeping a tidy bedroom. Though he is not a bad lad at all, he doesn't contribute anything and lives here rent free, whilst keeping all his uni loan and wages to himself. The free rent was an agreement made between Ds and my Dh, and I only found out weeks later!

I know quite a lot of people, have many acquaintances, but have only two that I would call close friends. The one pal who has totally surprised me has slowly moved on to a new circle of friends and I don't hear from her from one week to the next. I gave up trying to arrange meetups, as she would constantly let me down, I was sending messages which didn't get answered etc, and now I just hear from her if she needs something or I get a very short message to say "how are you".

At work I am one of those people who always helps out whenever I can but am thought no better of for doing it. Others seem to get treated better, get the perks and also get away with murder sometimes. I only work part time and have been there a good few years now but that doesn't count for anything.

Over the last two weeks I have been wondering if its just me or do I really not matter to the people in my life, I feel quite low right now.:-(

beaglesaresweet Wed 30-Oct-13 11:21:06

I sympathise, OP - do you have any spare time to start something new, pursue an interest that gets you out of the house and the general routine? That would raise your mood, and also would turn your H's head again. As to your son, maybe speak to them both together re rent, put your foot down - or at least soeak to your H first and demand to shw ou respect by including you in such decisions. I think you've been too soft on people.
As to the friend - that does happen to many people, again, doing something new may let you meet new people.

PTFO Wed 30-Oct-13 11:22:05

have you thought about a night class, meet new people , gets you out and about and learn something interesting.

People get set in their ways, make some plans with dh, go for dinner, go see a film.

Your ds is well your ds... Im sure you understand that but you could try arranging something with him, brunch one day?

As for your 'Friend' ignore the texts and move on.

Your right though the nice people often don't get recognised for their efforts so start being a bit of a dive eh, live a little, stamp your foot, make yourself heard.

chin up x

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 11:26:29

I'm not surprised you feel low. You seem to be thoroughly taken for granted by everyone in your life and I think it's finally starting to make you feel depressed. It's not 'you' as such... but, if you fail to challenge this lazy and disrespectful behaviour, it won't improve.

You say you 'constantly mention' the things at home that need doing but without success. Have you forcefully challenged DH on this freeloading business with DS? (And I suppose you realise that DS is only copying Dad's lifelong example?) What leverage do you have on DH and DS? Are you considering quitting the marriage and leaving them to it?

And at work, do you speak up? Demand perks and better treatment? Sounds like you need to stop helping out as a first step.

Callani Wed 30-Oct-13 11:57:31

First of all, you do matter - you definitely do matter as it sounds like you are holding it all together - your household, at work, everything.

The problem is that you're probably such a nice person that you've taken on tasks here and there without thinking about it and no-one's taken the time to notice.

It's like having a pothole in your road - every time you drive over it you get annoyed and think someone ought to do something, but when it's fixed you don't notice it's gone. You are the person fixing the potholes and your effort is going unappreciated.

This can be reversed and it starts with setting boundaries. First of all decide what you are happy to do, and what you expect other people to help with. Then lay out your expectations and stick to them.

For example with DS you might decide that if he's not paying rent then he needs to take on an extra share of the chores such doing the weekly shop and helping to cook every other night. If he doesn't do the shopping or cooking then you can buy dinner and cook just for you and DH. It's a pain short term but worth it in the long run.

It will probably be more difficult with DH but again, setting expectations and sticking to them is key and if he doesn't want to do more interesting things then go do them yourself - don't stop yourself from doing things in consideration of you if he's being considerate back.

Andy1964 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:16:35

I'm surprised that you have put up with 25 years of dominace!
No relationship no matter how strong should have to endure this.

To be honest, i don't know what to say but I feel sympathy for you.

Something obviously needs to change and your family need to start to appreciate you.
Go on strike for a month lol, then they will see how much they all rely on you.

sweetpud Thu 07-Nov-13 10:23:34

Thank you for your replies and advice and I have to say I agree with some of the points made.
I have been awake since very early this morning, going over lots of things and I reckon if I were to leave here then I honestly don't think I would be missed too much.

Apart from the picking up, tidying and washing, I think DH and DS wouldn't miss me much, after all there would be no moaning, nagging, or negative opinions ( thats because I usually predict when things are not going to go well, but then usually I am proved right in the end).

They can both cook, so wouldn't starve, DH doesn't like to go out so he could sit happily in his chair each night with the TV remote, and a glass of vodka in hand. He would easily get by without any intimacy, he would just go on his laptop, after all our sex life went down the pan a bit when DS moved back home, and DH has never been bothered by our lack of sex as long as he can still get a bit of relief, he can just fantasize about other women.

The other night I mentioned to DH that he needed to keep an eye on his drinking, and he went up like a bottle of pop! Straight away on the defensive, typical behaviour of someone who has a problem with the drink.
How do I say to DH that I wonder why I'm here sometimes, and then mention to him some of what I have written here? He will either go on the defensive, turn it all around or ask me what I want to do then?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 10:59:08

I suggest you check out the practicalities of going solo first ie. get legal advice, see CAB, think through your finances, look at possible places to stay etc. Then present your DH with the problem and challenge him to suggest some solutions that might prevent you calling it a day. If he gets defensive (as you're predicting) and turning it back on 'what do you want to do', you will be prepared with an answer. If he's more constructive, you have a good outcome.

As the saying goes... 'don't take a sword to a gunfight'. Do some background work and go into it ready for anything. Good luck

So what is stopping you from leaving then?
If you aren't appreciated and you aren't happy and you don't think you will be missed.
Pack a bag and leave.
Like Cogito says. Look into practicalities etc...
If he is an alcoholic he won't change without a fight.
Get out there and find yourself.
You don't need to be your husbands OH or your sons MUM anymore.
You can now be sweetpud
I think it's time for YOU now!

WithRedWine Thu 07-Nov-13 11:26:52

There's such a sense of hopelessness, submission & resignation in your post, op.

You sound old before your time & bored shitless.

Are you really prepared to go through the rest of your life merely existing? Sounds as though you need to make some radical changes.

So dh prefers to wank over big-boobed women than have sex with you? That's not good enough! You shouldn't settle for that! What about you? Who would you rather be shagging? What do you want from your sex life?

DS sounds like he's become very entitled due to dh's overriding your views on whether he should pay rent etc. Again, not flipping good enough! Who gave them both permission to ignore your wishes - a marriage is supposef to be a partnership, not a life-sentence. It's supposed to enhance things, not numb you into submission.

Is moving out a temporary option for you? To give you time to work.out what you want?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now