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what do you do when your mother favours one of your children?

(16 Posts)
carlajean Tue 29-Oct-13 23:46:27

My 3 children are all in their late 20's. My mother adores my daughter but is uninterested in her two brothers.
For example, my eldest son visited them recently and she didn't even mention it, whereas she often goes on about how lovely my daughter is.
Is this normal? Would you say something, if you were in my shoes? My dh hates it, so it's causing problems between us.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 29-Oct-13 23:51:55

I think it is normal actually. There's always someone in the family you click with better than the others and grandparents don't have quite the same obligations to be strictly fair as parents. Certainly not by the time everyone is a grown-up and able to work these things out for themselves. Are the DS's bothered?

morethanpotatoprints Tue 29-Oct-13 23:53:02

Hello, my mil is like this too and it has really upset ds1 and ds2 quite a bit.
They know what she is like now though and have formed their own opinion. It's important to let them do this themselves and it won't stop a relationship with her anyway.
It shouldn't cause problems between you and your dh as there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
If you have it out with her you could force a behaviour change but you can't make her favour your ds more.
I do sympathise as I say it can be upsetting at times but now ds are older 22 and 18 it really doesn't bother them anymore.

carlajean Wed 30-Oct-13 09:32:53

Oddly enough it doesn't bother my sons, it just really annoys me as it's so blatant

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 09:47:40

So say something to her.

NellysKnickers Wed 30-Oct-13 09:53:53

My mum favours my eldest ds. I have let her know I know. Ds2 is too young to care at the moment. My Nanny really used to favour one of my cousins but was awful to his brother, we all used to laugh about it at the time but looking back its pretty awful. I won't let it get to that stage.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Wed 30-Oct-13 09:57:56

My best friends parents are both like this. They treat their son far better than their daughter and I know it sometimes upsets her.

When her car was on its last legs, she was able to take advantage of the scrappage scheme but her parents helped her out. She pays them back every month. Her parents have just bought her brother and his wife a new car because "they have a baby". They have told them they don't need to pay them back. They told my friend they were doing this and hoped she wouldn't mind that they hadn't done the same for her.

They are always favouring the brother. When it was discovered his wife would have difficulty conceiving, they paid for one round of IVF. When my friend's boiler blew up, they didn't help out.

My friend is single, lives in a small flat and works very hard and just makes ends meet. Her brother and sister-in-law both work and are relatively comfortable.

I get very upset on her behalf.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 10:23:06

BTW... if it annoys you and your DH hates it why is it causing problems between you? Surely you're on the same page?

FWIW I was much closer to my late gran than my DB. We had a lot in common, i used to call and visit regularly. He didn't like her and never visited. If your DSs aren't that bothered by the set-up maybe they don't like gran as much as your DD either? Takes two to make a relationship. Genetics isn't enough really.

Neitheronethingortheother Wed 30-Oct-13 11:27:54

Nothing you can do. I think its a fact of life we get on better with some people than others for different reasons. I think its down to personalities and bonding and lots of other issues. I would make light of it and leave it to them. Its nice for your dd to have a good relationship with her nan. I am closer to some relatives than others same with my children.

carlajean Wed 30-Oct-13 11:41:00

Thanks all- it's always usrful to get other people's point of view.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Wed 30-Oct-13 12:20:49

And yet people bleat on about unconditional love for all their children. Not sure that's always the case.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 12:22:49

'Love' is quite different. You can love a family member purely because they're a family member. You can show them respect and treat them with courtesy. You don't necessarily get along with them, however. I'm sure this grandmother loves all her grandchildren but she just happens to connect with the granddaughter in particular. I think it's very common.

sherbetpips Wed 30-Oct-13 12:23:42

My mil does this to my sil. Loves the first born son - describs the twins as a 'waste of space' and that the girl is 'ruined'.
they are all brilliant kids.

Clargo55 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:28:24

This is difficult if they were still young children I would say something to her and ask for them to be treated equally. But as they are adults surely its just a matter of who she gets along better with and which personality she clicks with.

I may be biased as I am my grandmothers favourite, but none of my cousins or siblings seem to care. We are just so similar and love each others company.

carlajean Wed 30-Oct-13 14:23:43

This is why mn is so great...it still bothers me and if i ever have gc i hope i would never make it so bloody obvious how much i prefer one of them. But it' s uaeful to hear that maybe i'm overdoing it.

newmum001 Wed 30-Oct-13 15:25:44

My grandma favoured my brother over me and my twin sister. He was the first grandchild, him and my mum lived with them for a year after my mum and his dad split up. She thought the sun shone out of his arse, so does my auntie actually. Me and my sister used to visit her several times a week, my brother went every couple of months and I'm surprised there wasn't a fanfair to announce his arrival to the masses. It's just the way it was though, she obviously loved me and my twin sister as we loved her but she just preferred him. It honestly never bothered me or TS, My grandad on the other hand loved us equally, there were no favourites at all. We all had a very close relationship with him.

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