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Is this normal? I can't tell anymore

(152 Posts)
Longhairedcat Tue 29-Oct-13 21:58:33

Ok have posted on here previously about new BF of 2 months and problems with penetrative sex. I need some advice and opinions on whether I am over worrying/ overthinking which is possible due to previous EA relationship slightly skewing my thinking, or does it just heighten your senses?

Anyway the issues are:-

1) still not had penetrative sex but do everything else. He won't really say why just that it will happen. He now tells me he has ordered a toy, not totally unexpected as we have chatted about it. Is that weird or not?

2) he talks as though he wants a future with me and he has found someone he loves but I find this hard to accept, not so much because of the short time span as I know it can happen, but because he was very hurt by breakup of last relationship which was only in the spring

3) a few times he has said things to me in the name of 'teasing' but to me they didn't sound like that. For example if I've said something unintentionally that he hasn't liked that's when he seems to do this

4) for the first few weeks we seemed to see eachother more frequently than now. I know we can't keep up seeing eachother every night but I suppose I'm just a bit insecure

I suppose I just can't work him out properly yet. Is that normal at this stage? I'm very out of practice. I would say the vast majority of the time we enjoy eachothers company. I'm scared of another abusive relationship

BOF Wed 30-Oct-13 00:25:24

Run away, now. Honestly. Before you get too involved. This has all the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship- not because he has willy issues, but because he isn't being open or honest about them, and you are already feeling insecure.

Have you had therapy/counselling since your last relationship? It would be a really good idea.

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 00:53:09

Imho, the phone call example would fall more in the category of "games" (Games People Play -a good book) as Rockinhippie mentioned. That goes beyond mere disrespect into bonifide mindfuck territory. It may have been the beginning move in conditioning you for when he really does get other participants interested calls.

Trust your gut. At the end of the day, you do not really need to know the minute details of his sexual dysfunction. That you have arrived at the point of thinking this is not right for you is a valid reason to disconnect. You do not owe him anything, including sympathy/empathy/compassion so he gets 'his needs met'. Let him use someone else.

TBH this much hassle after a couple of months should really equal 'bin him'. Do it politely, but do it. DOn't forget it's fine to be single, and life is too short to devote it to trying to sort out some inadequate man's problems just so as not to be single. If you want something to rescue and fix up, go to a dogs' home. (OK, most men don't need training not to shit on the carpet, but that's easier to fix than willy-wilt or headfuckery).

Monty27 Wed 30-Oct-13 01:30:18

Agree with SGB, problems in early days <yawn already>. You're not compatible possibly. You can't really fix that.

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 30-Oct-13 03:19:35

Also agreeing with SGB.

2 months aka 8 weeks, is far too quick to already be worrying about "what does this mean?" and "why is he doing that?". It's not worth it.

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 06:51:05

Thanks for all your replies. I definately don't see him as a 'player' it's just doesn't fit. He's quite shy and was very nervous when we first met he met my grown up son and daughter and was also nervous. I think at heart he's a nice person.

He's on good terms with ex wife and all her family ( it ended years ago) which says something I think. I don't think he's using me, I think he's a bit embarrassed as he seems to avoid penetration in various ways for example saying he needs the loo. I genuinely think he'd be hurt if I ended it, I know that's no reason to keep it going but I do like him and in a way I think we could be good together, loads in common ect.

How do I broach the sex subject in a sensitive way? I would like to at least have a shot at sorting it out. Also if I do mention it and it
can't be sorted and I then end the relationship he will know why and I don't want to make things worse for him.

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 07:02:13

Just want to add I am not desperate to hang on and am comfortable being alone, I don't have to have a relationship, it's more that there's a lot about this that is good and feels right and surely the beginning is a time when you are a bit unsure? I've forgotten as its quite some time since I was starting a new relationship

How did you meet this individual, was it online?.

Points 2 and 3 in your post could be construed as emotionally abusive.

How long is it since that abusive relationship happened, I have a nasty feeling that you are now investing yourself in yet another loser of a man.

You are not on this planet to act as any rescuer and or saviour to anyone else; I am wondering if you have rescuer and or saving tendencies because neither approach in relationships actually works.

You seem really nice but your boundaries and radar are still very much all over the place and thus skewed. He is not above hurting your feelings, he does not deserve your consideration at all now. Two months in should be a lot happier than this as well, he seems to be laying the foundations for you to be further abused.

I would also look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is designed specifically for those women who have been in abusive relationships.

elskovs Wed 30-Oct-13 07:12:34

Only time a boyfriend didn't want sex constantly with me it turned out he was a junky. Could that be possible?

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 07:36:15

No definately not a junkie

Yes online dating. I don't want to be a rescuer or saviour in any way, but I am a bit sensitive to other people's feelings, sometimes too much. I want what I want in a relationship as well and I don't believe in making it all about them. I'm not sure that he's a loser as such. I don't feel taken advantage of in any way by him, as in my previous relationship

I'm not making much sense am I? If all this is true why have I got theses questions?

I guess I'm trying to establish if I would be this way with anyone
a) because of past experience
b) because I am a natural fretter and worrier

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 07:46:53

Everyone, no matter who they are and no matter what their lifestyle, can only judge a new boyfriend based on a) the boyfriend's behaviour/personality, b) their own experience and c) their own standards. He is not necessarily a bad person and you may be fretting or worrying unduly but also he may simply not be the right person for you at this particular stage of your life.

Lazyjaney Wed 30-Oct-13 08:14:58

IMO if he hasn't put it in yet he never will, the toys just confirm it.

The rest, too soon to tell in 8 weeks.

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 08:15:13

My issue is I worry about how much I should compromise in a relationship.
I don't want to bend over backwards for someone like I did before. This seemed great at the very start then obviously a few weeks down the line you notice a persons little flaws start to show as you begin to get to know them. This is when I start to worry

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 08:16:00

Yes I'm starting to think he never will. I need to ask him why again don't I

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 08:17:13

That's what dating is all about. Enjoy the first few weeks, uncover the flaws, decide the flaws are too much, say your good-byes, rinse and repeat. Normal

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 08:17:31

What are the reasons behind not putting it in? I realise they are complex but I've honestly not had this before

Lazyjaney Wed 30-Oct-13 08:24:57

I don't think the complex reasons are your problem tbh. If you like a good hard shag and he can't deliver, time to move him on.

scarevola Wed 30-Oct-13 08:29:30

You say there's been a change since 'the first few weeks' but it actually looks as if you are indeed in the first few weeks right now.

I suggest you stop trying to work him out (unless you are auditioning for the role of nurse/therapist, not partner). And instead work out your own feelings.

The very early stages of dating is when you work out whether this person is right for you. You don't have a single positive thing to say about him. Never mind what he wants - what about you?

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 08:38:39

You're trying to be kind to this person and to work out if your expectations are too high. You like him. All normal. But, at this stage in a relationship. you really shouldn't have to be working out how to tell someone their ED problems and so forth are making you uncomfortable. This is the one time in a relationship when you can say 'it's just not working for me' ... and you don't need to expand.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 08:43:23

"What are the reasons behind not putting it in?"

Can be lots of reasons. ED being the most common.... if he's got any heart or blood-pressure (hypertension) related medical conditions, that can be a factor. Stress or anxiety (either generalised or localised around sex itself) can do it. If he's buying toys its like someone who has a driving phobia buying you a bus-pass... ie. he realises he's never going to be able to penetrate adequately so he's providing a substitute. Mind you, there are some men that prefer to use toys and masturbate over the memory in private...

Lazyjaney Wed 30-Oct-13 14:48:16

"you really shouldn't have to be working out how to tell someone their ED problems and so forth are making you uncomfortable"

Tell him you have an Up or Out policy grin

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 15:21:06

Hi Longhairedcat,
If he finally "put it in", then would that make everything ok here?

Do you believe that on some unconscious level...you are a part of the dysfunction? Your insistance on having to know why , and this being the hinge on whether or not you leave the relationship, may be a Catch 22: if you never find out why, then you never break it off? Are you manufacturing justification for staying when your gut feeling has red flags flying full mast?

2 months, 8 weeks: barely a blink in time...you only know what he has let you know about him. He could actually still be married, and the religion card as mentioned above is why he won't\can't do it. [Think Bill Clinton "I did not have sex with that woman"] Him still being married would also explain his shyness in meeting your adult children.

The fake phone calls still sticks me with suspicion. You posted that you told him that was a significant source of pain in the downfall of your previous relationship...so he jokingly does this "little" trick which essentially rubs your nose in it. That was just mean, longhairedcat. I think he has tipped his hand early...some emotional abusers can carry the perfect partner script for a couple of years.

Sorry to go on, but one other thing I was thinking about this is the distinction between compromising and boundaries. Imho, compromising is appropriate for what toppings go on the pizza, or maybe he is a few pounds over weight, or you may not like his car. Boundaries are for protecting yourself from disrespect, meanness, any form of abuse, etc, and should not be open to compromise, iyswim.

You said it made you feel uncomfortable when he told you he bought a sex toy. Did he not ask first, he just informed you? This is an EA red flag because he rendered you invisible. This would also tie in with "he talks to me about what he wants alot".

Take care, it is not you, it is him. Walk away.

Longhairedcat Wed 30-Oct-13 17:38:35

Hmmm loads to think about here thank you all

Yes he does have lots of positive points but I came on here to discuss specific concerns which is why I haven't mentioned them I suppose

He has mentioned sex toy and possibly buying one and I didn't say no so I guess he thought it ok ( I didn't really think he'd do it though)

He's definately not involved/ married to anyone else. I can call him anytime have been to his house have heard him talk to his relative who mentioned she'd heard he'd met me

The sex issue isn't the hinge on whether I stay or go but it does puzzle me. If we could talk about it then fine. I tried not to make a big issue and give it a bit of time as I know with ED making an issue of it can make matters worse

Yes he has had heart problems and on medications. Was very wound up about telling me possibly because he knows the effect it's had on him

I think it's an excellent idea to stop trying to work him out but concentrate on working out my own feelings

Rockinhippy Wed 30-Oct-13 18:23:18

He has mentioned sex toy and possibly buying one and I didn't say no so I guess he thought it ok

Sorry but this ^^^^^^ tells me that you are REALLY NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP your boundaries are so skewed you are leaving yourself WIDE open for EA again & this guy does not sound good for you at all.

Switch that sentence a bit - change it to - he mentioned anal sex & I didn't say no, so I guess he thought it was okay - does that still sound okay that he took the liberty of f* ing you up the **se because you didn't say no ??

The point is YOU DID NOT SAY YES, but you are willing to accept that as your responsibility as you didn't say no - that is NOT & SHOULD NOT be how it works

He is taking control & you are rolling over & letting him -STOP

Please take time out from this guy & try counselling again, your boundaries are still very skewed on a lot if levels & you really need to sort the root cause of this out or you will forever attract the EA type & it does sound that's exactly what you have here -

maybe if you were stronger & less of a victim it could be different, but I suspect if you were that way you would have already told him to jog on

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 21:57:46

Excellent post, Rockinhippy

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