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Old Fashioned ideas! Am I silly

(32 Posts)
Thanksforthat Tue 29-Oct-13 20:27:21

Hi
Mine is not a tragic problem. Although I've been on my knees with a bad relationship too so I know the pain.
But now my issue is this.
I'm a professional woman. Single parent to a 5 year old. I'm lucky to have a good career. I can afford help where I need it. Cleaning etc. I have nice home, car etc. not loaded but comfortable.
I've been on my own almost 4 years having made decision not to marry a porn addict. Well not porn but he kept putting up profiles on dating sites. I practically jilted him at alter but got loads of strength and support here.
2.5 years ago I started a new relationship with my great friend at work. He was separated also.
We are great. Took things slow. He has no kids and is 8 years older than me. I love him to bits and he's the real deal. Just a normal hardworking bloke!

As we are not in UK it will be another 2 years before he can divorce.
I'm 36 next week. We would like a baby.
My query is this? Will people judge me for having 2 kids by two different fathers and still not married. My parents would be devastated I think.
I hate that I've achieved so much and can still be influenced by this stuff. We could get engaged I suppose but not the same is it?
My friends think I'm mad and that I should just go for it.
My partner is already a great dad figure to my DD. He doesn't get my fear of the stigma!!!
Am I being stupid. Love and support to all going through much worse than I. I've been there and will never forget the pain

JoinYourPlayfuckers Tue 29-Oct-13 20:37:36

Your friends are right, you are crazy to be worrying about this.

I wanted to be married before having kids, but I would done it the other way around in your circumstances for sure.

Are you really going to wait until you are 38 to TTC just so you can be married first?! Really?

There is no stigma.

People who think there is something wrong about having two children by two different fathers are all wankers. They should be worried about that stigma!

libertychick Tue 29-Oct-13 20:43:33

I understand why you might feel this way especially if you were brought up with 'traditional' values but really no one will judge you. Your parents might find it hard when you announce a pregnancy but as with the vast majority of grandparents once the baby is here they won't be able to imagine things any other way! Don't leave waiting to conceive, you will have far more regrets if you leave it two years and then find yourself have problems. Go for it!!

Vivacia Tue 29-Oct-13 20:49:49

I think it would be well worth exploring your feelings on this subject rather than dismissing them out of hand. I think these things"bubble up" for a reason. Can you say anything more about what you're worried about? Why do you think your parents would be "devastated"?

ToTheTeeth Tue 29-Oct-13 20:53:30

No one worth worrying about will judge you.

Blended families are very common. People divorce. Some of them will remarry and some of them will want to have kids, it's a natural progression in many relationships.

I do think waiting for his divorce to come through may be a bit risky though, age-wise.

Thanksforthat Tue 29-Oct-13 21:04:18

Hi peeps. Thanks so much for responses.
Im very clear what this is about for me. I had a huge hard time dealing with the fact I became a single un married mother. Not a snob just wasn't in the game plan. To go on now and be the mother of two children by different fathers and be unmarried still is strange
BUT it does make me smile at my 20 something self that had all these ideas. I had a strict template of how to live my life and my 30's have unfolded in a way that have made a laughing stock of the template.
I just need some perception. My Dad thought I should have stayed with my cheater fiancé. He thinks a man is entitled to the odd misdemeanour (my father is whole other thread). He even asked me about a year ago would I consider having another baby with said Exhmm. He speaks of him always.
Ah I know you're right though. It's just all so ingrained.

Anyone who judges you for making the excellent decision to leave the bastard and get on successfully with your life is a twat.
A. Twat.
And we don't care what twats think.

ExitPursuedByABogieMan Tue 29-Oct-13 21:10:15

I would judge you. Judge you as someone who had made the right choices and the right decisions. Find love and happiness where you can.

Handbagsonnhold Tue 29-Oct-13 21:13:05

Thank goodness you never married your disrespectful ex....setting up profiles on dating sites to potentially communicate with/meet up with women is far worse than looking at the odd bit of porn imo. So upsetting I would imagine that your dad is still his 'fan'.

So great to read you are now in a happy relationship....you sound lovely ....just do what you both feel is right and don't worry about anyone else's opinion....Good luck x

Thanksforthat Tue 29-Oct-13 21:17:47

Yes for me the internet dating was far worse. The pre meditated effort of setting up a profile. Oh it still makes me shiver.
And obviously a man who does this has other fab qualities that make up his dishonest egotistical personality.
Thank you so much for the perspective.
And yes my dad is a twat. A toxic angry twat. I just never thought of it before. I need to let his expectations go. How does an adult woman let this happen? I manage so much and then am influenced by his crap.
Thanks all. I needed this

I have a grade A twat for a close relation.
When I absolutely have to spend time in their hideous company I smile and nod while inwardly chanting football stylee;
"You're a twat. And I know you are, you're a twat and ..."
Works for me grin

iggymama Tue 29-Oct-13 21:27:56

I agree with the others, go ahead and TTC. On a practical note, though, perhaps your partner should ensure that his will provides for you and your baby. So sorry to sound negative, but if something should happen while he waits to divorce, everything would go to his ex wife to be.

WhizzFucker Tue 29-Oct-13 21:28:13

I'm wondering if there is a way you can cheat, if you both actually want to do the big public commitment thing before TTC... Ceremony where you say lovely stuff in front of your family and friends, 'wedding' reception, then just do the bureaucratic stuff in a registry office years later without a fuss.

I'm not suggesting you do this if the only reason is worrying about other people's opinions btw - more if it is something you want.

FolkGirl Wed 30-Oct-13 07:19:25

Yes, some people will judge you.

But are you really going to let that stop you and your partner from having the family together that you want?

When you are old and grey, what will bring you more comfort? Your two children around you, or the knowledge that some people didn't gossip a bit about you many, many years ago?

If it is what you want, do it.

Lazyjaney Wed 30-Oct-13 07:40:56

Can you live with the worst case situation - new baby, man disappears (could happen...agree with upthread point about securing provision), judgy parents et al? If so, go for it.

Thanksforthat Wed 30-Oct-13 13:58:01

You know Folkgirl. You're right. I'm going to go for it. People will gossip. So do I. But this is my future child here. I'll come back and let you all know how I get on. Thanks smile

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 30-Oct-13 14:24:58

Good for you!

The writer Cressida Lindsay had 5 by at least 3 fathers, and none of us who knew her attached any moral fault at all.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 14:40:23

Glad you've decided to go for it. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. smile

Even among those who do judge families where there are multiple children by different fathers, few people remark on a two children by two fathers. It's almost a norm these days, so I really wouldn't worry about your children having different fathers. Anyone who is that judgemental and prepared to voice it is really not worth having around.

While I wouldn't normally advise child before marriage in most cases, that's because of the legal protection it offers rather than any religious/moral ones. In your case you are financially independent, and assuming you intend to carry on in your profession once DC2 arrives (after maternity leave, obviously), you won't be reliant on your DP after the birth other than in an emotional/practical sense.

In your shoes the only thing I would have reservations about is tying up my life with someone who was still legally someone else's husband. However, provided you are 100% sure he is over her (and it sounds pretty clear he is), there are steps you can take to get around that. I don't know which country you are in, but you may want to investigate that country's equivalent of a legal separation, so that if the worst happened and your DP had an accident or died, you and your would-be child would be the beneficiaries, not his wife, and you won't become tainted by any financial connection to her if she is silly with money.

Good luck TTC.

halfwildlingwoman Wed 30-Oct-13 16:25:05

One of my best mates has 2 DC by 2 different men. They have a lovely relationship with one another. She did eventually marry the father of her second child a few years after the baby came, but it wasn't essential. No-one judges her and I reckon one of the main reasons is that she just doesn't care. She doesn't judge herself and she knew the second guy was worth it. I have never heard a scrap of criticism, and the school gates are Very Gossipy! Actually, I don't hear anyone in RL being unpleasant about kids having different dads.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 16:29:14

There's a lot to be said for the devil may care attitude displayed by your friend halfwildling. I've always done pretty much what I want with scant regard for other people's opinions (though I have my own strong moral code, it's just not traditional). No one has ever dared say anything to my face.

Dahlen Wed 30-Oct-13 16:31:25

I tell a lie - we have a well-known local man who has a habit of going round raging about single mothers/immigrants/benefit claimants etc. I think he has MH problems and usually looks so unkempt and angry I actually feel very sorry for him. Anyway, I was in our local shop one day when he went off on one of his diatribes about single mothers. It didn't even register TBH since he doesn't know me and therefore had no idea if I was married or not. However, the shop keeper (who does know me) asked him to leave and apologised on his behalf! I was touched, if slightly bemused.

IamGluezilla Wed 30-Oct-13 18:48:54

Assume OP is in Ireland <waves from afar>.

Honestly no-one will really care, most women will see the rationale ("getting on" but having to wait, part of a proper couple).
Anyone upset with you will already be upset you're with a married man so in for a penny I say!

Best of luck OP.

Lavenderhoney Wed 30-Oct-13 19:11:56

Life doesnt always deal you the hand you want. Sure people might talk, but who cares? Its your life, you only go round once.

You are financially sound, he's not a cocklodger, you have a child so you know what is coming with a new baby, so just get on.

You don't really need validation for your pursuit of happiness, those who love you and know you will be fine. Plus you always have the fine ladies of mn to help yousmile

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Wed 30-Oct-13 20:25:53

I would gently suggest counseling to work out why people who you don't know's possible views are more important to you than your own or the views of the man you love.

My dc have different dads and its only when I read posts like yours do I consider for some there might be a stigma- we never feel it. Why would we?

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Wed 30-Oct-13 20:50:51

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

I'm awful for caring too much what others think, but it isn't an attractive quality and it doesn't help anyone, so I am working hard to value my own opinion above all others. It isn't easy.

I'm recently separated, and when I volunteered to help at the school party a PTA mum replied "don't worry well find someone who is part of a bona fide couple so that one catch supervise the children and the other tend the bar/tuck/games". It stung like hell when she said it - but I know that really she is the arse and not me, and she was probably trying to be nice in her own misguided way!

Best of luck!

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