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There are LITERALLY a bajillion red flags here - so why am I still hanging on?

(96 Posts)
kumamon Tue 29-Oct-13 14:22:04

Firstly, I would like to clarify that my use of literally is intended as a hilarious joke.

OK - I'll try to keep this short, but drip-feed free:

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. Last month I found out he had been meeting up and sleeping with a 'good friend' of his in another city 4 or 5 times since we've been together. Including spending Christmas with her and lying to me that he was at home with family. I know this because she found out about me and called me. I had never even heard her name until a week before she called (I started a previous thread about this and everyone sensibly told me to LTB then).

I've found out since that he also cheated on his ex with this girl.

Even I am screaming LTB at myself, yet I haven't done it - he is begging forgiveness, rationalising why he did it ("he was afraid he was going to lose me and hiding from the pain" is one extraordinarily illogical example), saying he's a different person now it has all come out, saying he knows he wants me. And even though I don't really believe him, I'm still hanging in there and can't figure out why.

Well, it's partly my age - I'm mid thirties, but would still like to think that kids were a possibility for me. It's partly that I do love him. It's partly that I don't want to go through the whole break up thing again (I've had a significant bereavements and break ups for the last 5 years). It's a number of factors. Seriously though - if anyone else was writing this I would be infuriated that they were still in the relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?

EricLovesAnyFucker Tue 29-Oct-13 14:24:38

I don't know. Low self esteem? Whatever it is, figure it out quick because this guy is Bad News.

EricLovesAnyFucker Tue 29-Oct-13 14:25:45

Oh and these aren't red flags - red flags are warnings. He's actually done the stuff that red flags are there to warn you about.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 29-Oct-13 14:26:55

If you read your last paragraph you can see that all those reasons are the wrong reasons for being with him.
You can't trust this man, he disrespected you, doesn't care about how you feel. You shouldn't sell yourself short.
Until you eventually decide to leave him, he will bring you a lot of heartache.

kumamon Tue 29-Oct-13 14:29:12

Good point Eric - I hadn't even thought that these weren't even red flags anymore. That hits home.

MinesAPintOfBlood Tue 29-Oct-13 14:31:34

Well he's not responsible father material so straying is making it less likely that you will find someone to have children with.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Tue 29-Oct-13 14:31:52

Just leave, let him cheat on somebody else with this woman, lifes too short for this bollocks

missmash Tue 29-Oct-13 14:32:47

Oh hon, sorry this has all come out but seriously you have to LTb, being in your mid thirties and hoping for babies is not a reason to stay, having children with this nightmare is not going to make life any better for you.
I'm sorry about your hard times over the last few years there will be more hard times ahead if you listen to his excuses and forgive. It's time to dump him and lick your wounds and eventually you will emerge happier and healthier than where you are now.
Stay strong.

Jan45 Tue 29-Oct-13 14:53:36

Yes these are not red flags, these are facts now. A year and he's treated you abysmally and by the sounds of it every other woman he's been involved with. I would say it's down to your self esteem and what you expect from a man, if you expect shit treatment, then that's what you will get I'm afraid.

Matildathecat Tue 29-Oct-13 15:07:10

If you want partner, children and a happy life I reckon you know what needs to happen.The sooner you get free and single the sooner you could make your dreams real.

With all that has happened can I also suggest some counselling? I guess the answer to your question won't be that hard to find. You know the one about the only person you can change is you?

He sounds like a total wanker and if you can bring yourself to make the move I can't believe you would have any regrets other than you didn't do it sooner.

Go on. We will support you. Do it soon.xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Oct-13 15:15:27

It is endearing when someone tells you he's a different person now it has all come out and he knows he wants me but you can throw him as many lifelines as you like, he will figure you are so keen to keep him you will tolerate this kind of thing and let him come back.

He does this now when you're available, unencumbered and waiting for him. What's to stop him from doing this when you're 7 months' pregnant and cranky and emotionally dependent on him? Or in the midst of broken nights and infant colic?

Picture a friend with a revolving door in her home and a boyfriend who treats her like this, what would you say?

HelloBoys Tue 29-Oct-13 15:17:09

wow - sorry there is SO much here for me to scream about.

I had a relationship with someone where I admit we both weren't angess - no cheating though.

IA with Jan says they are facts and not red flags. he is lying to you, his family, sleeping with someone else.

IA re the counselling too. this helped me to get over last relationship though was NOT the reason I went. and I got the lightbulb moment and the I'm now over ex moment gradually - I think over the summer and ended counselling in April/May.

eurochick Tue 29-Oct-13 15:17:30

You do not want to have children with this man. So if you want kids, bow out now and move on so you can find someone who would be a good husband and father.

HelloBoys Tue 29-Oct-13 15:18:15

PS - you can meet and have kids with a guy now before it's too late. tons of women I know have met/married/kids with guys in their mid 30's.

not with this toe rag though.

I met, married and had a baby with DH in my 30s. I held out for someone who wasn't a ginormous, putrid, cheating lying cock. I suggest you do the same.

ScreamingNaanAndGoryOn Tue 29-Oct-13 15:29:20

If you stay with him after this, you are giving him the green light that he can do this and you'll put up with it.

Without doubt he'll do it again - he has form. But if you stay with him, from this point forward you'll be co-author of your own misery as you know he'll do it, but you've chosen to stay.

Lweji Tue 29-Oct-13 15:41:20

Listen to everyone.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 29-Oct-13 15:52:55

You're staying because you fear a lonely, childless future... you said it yourself. Understandable but ironically you're more likely to end up lonely if you keep hitching your wagon to someone who is so eyewateringly faithless and unreliable. BTW You don't actually need a permanent partner in order to have children, if that's what you want

FolkGirl Tue 29-Oct-13 15:54:01

This is not a man you should consider having children no matter how loud that biological clock is ticking.

FolkGirl Tue 29-Oct-13 15:54:10

loudly, of course

tethersend Tue 29-Oct-13 15:56:13

Not so much 'red flags' as 'Russian revolution'. On Mars.

kumamon Tue 29-Oct-13 16:19:56

Yep. you are all right, there is absolutely no doubt about it.

I've just been rereading the google chats we had over Christmas while he was supposedly in another country with his family (he's not from the UK). It is just unbelievable painful to realise he was bare faced lying the whole time. And no wonder he was avoiding Skype every time I suggested it....

Ok. So I admit you're all right. There is no happy future with this person, no matter how much he is telling me there is and no matter how much I want to believe that. So now I have to get up the courage to end it.

One snag is that we booked a holiday back to his home country for this weekend - just for a few days. My idea at the moment is that I go on it and use it as time to assess things a bit more. Is that crazy?

eurochick Tue 29-Oct-13 16:22:26

What is there to reassess? He is in love with/addicted to this other woman. He has lied and cheated to you. He did so to spent Xmas (which should be a family time) to spend dipping his cock in her. And you think you need more time to reassess? What are you reassessing?

MooncupGoddess Tue 29-Oct-13 16:24:12

Um, yes, it is crazy. You don't need to assess the situation any more. What is there to assess??

kumamon Tue 29-Oct-13 16:25:44

ok - the 'need to assess thing' is a cop out. The long and the short of it is: I want to go on this holiday. I want to spend that time with him. Plus I just want to get away for a break. That's what is crazy.

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