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relationship with myself.

(56 Posts)
BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 17:42:47

I do not think I like or value myself very much to. I used to. not now. I hate my weight but cannot stop doubting my ability to loose it..so I binge..feel guilty. .start again...doubt..binge..etc.

Those around me comment how lovely I am.. trustworthy. .caring.. make a good friend. I'm praised on my ability within my job and I feel like everyone else sees somthing I don't.

I feel like im always missing the mark with stuff. Like I never do it well enough. .could do better. I worry about what other people think. if they like me...if I give enough of myself to friendships and my relationship.. my daughter. People say how great a mother I am..but I feel like I should be doing better..though I love her immensely and she makes me incredibly happy.

I do not like how I look. . I wonder if I should be in a high flying career...is my job low level or a reflection of poor intelligence. I wish I was smarter. . I don feel very smart. Some days I don't feel like I want to leave the house, but I do for dd. I have huge anxiety over my and my daughters safety. (I am a victim of prolonged sexual abuse) sometimes I cannot even walk past a man in the supermarket without wandering what kind of man he is. It's fair to say I am a little paranoid over it,pperhaps. Though I think I hide it well.

I don't feel I have much to give anyone. I find my positive mood can shift quickly and I become upset and a bit low. never with dd though. . just life. minor things.. the day not flowing how id like. .not doing enough for dd if an activity gets cancelled for ex.

I don't like feeling like this. does anyone understand what I describe. .I dont really understand it and would like someone else's perspective. it doesn't feel like me. I feel like my tummy is full of stress and anxiety.

I really want to be happy with myself. . how can I improve the relationship with myself? my stbdh is awesome and our relationship is very strong, we are a happy li family. I have a good job, friend's family, house..on paper it all so good.

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 17:44:23

poor grammar and typos. Sorry, just kind of throwing it all out there.

MuffCakes Mon 28-Oct-13 17:48:02

I don't really have any advice but I'd like to start having a relationship with ME to. Not sure how to start, maybe getting off MN for a while or at least regulating usage so it's not what I'm doing most of the time when not working

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 28-Oct-13 18:14:41

Have you ever spoken to a doctor about the way you feel? Ever had counselling for the after-effects of the abuse? Such a persistent feeling of not measuring up, doubt, irrational fears etc could be indicative of clinical depression or anxiety.

cloudskitchen Mon 28-Oct-13 19:27:36

Has something happened in your life that has changed the way you feel about yourself? I lost my mum almost 8 years ago and for a very long time afterwards I was very anxious and suffered a lot of the things you describe. It's only fairly recently that I actually feel like I'm back.

Have you been to the doctors or thought about visiting a counsellor? It sounds like you are very appreciated by others and counselling might help you rediscover your own self worth.

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 19:36:40

I haven't spoken to my gp no. I hoped I could avoid councilling or ADs..

it started a few months ago when I took on a lot of work. very long days and hours. literally no time for anything else. The tiredness and lack of anything else in my life has just destroyed me. The tiredness is endless.

cloudskitchen Mon 28-Oct-13 19:38:11

Can you reassess a few things? Cut down on some of that extra work? Give yourself some time to think?

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 19:44:49

I've cut down from next week. .but feel like I've gone too far..like this damage has been done. I feel a bit hopeless. .like thesw feelings are always going to be here now.

cloudskitchen Mon 28-Oct-13 19:58:01

They won't. You just need to give yourself some time and space. Feel more in control of things and your old confidence will start to come back. Try tackling the things that are bothering you one at a time instead of looking at everything and feeling overwhelmed by it all. Cutting down on work is a great start. Listen to the people that say nice things about you and try to believe them a little smile

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 20:01:13

im sorry to hear about your mum clouds, im glad you're feeling a bit better recently x

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Mon 28-Oct-13 20:02:43

I so desperately wish I could be a sahm. things were so much better then..I felt much more in control. . happy.

cloudskitchen Mon 28-Oct-13 20:08:06

Thank you x I do still suffer with some of the things you describe. I am a sahm so don't work even though kids both at school. I think people judge me for not having a job and I'm not really qualified to do anything which I also think reflects badly however along with getting myself back came the decision to stop feeling apoplectic about these things and act confident even when I don't feel it. I have come to realise that people see values in me that I don't know I have got and are rarely judging me on the things I'm judging myself on.

somewhatavoidant Mon 28-Oct-13 20:09:42

Bridget, don't avoid counselling, it's exactly what you need. Possibly ADs too but one step at a time. Listen to your friends, they're not saying nice things for the sake of it. Sounds like you're a fab Mum to DD, give yourself a break love, x

cjel Mon 28-Oct-13 21:16:51

Why would you want to avoid counselling - has someone told you that you will be weak or ill if you 'have ' to have it? Get yourself a person centred counsellor and learn to like and get on with yourselfxx

DoYourKegels Mon 28-Oct-13 22:31:33

So so so so many people around you have been to counselling or are on ADs. Not just people on this site, either! Loads of mums at the school gates have had it, maybe even the very bright and bubbly ones. wink. People you have stood next to in the supermarket. The bank teller. Your doctor. Loads of people.

It is normal and healthy to seek help rather than carry on feeling so dreadful. thanks thanks thanks for you.

EBearhug Mon 28-Oct-13 23:20:08

Funnily enough, the thing that came up at the end of my counselling session last week (and therefore should be the subject of this week, unless anything momentous happens between now and then) was about putting myself and my needs first, and the fact I never do, and no one else does either. And it's something I need to think about a bit more before my next session. Although I'm also going to put some of it into practice by going to bed before midnight.

Counselling can be great - just helps you work through your thoughts with someone else to ask pertinent questions and notice your reactions and so on to help you work it out for yourself. And if you're not good at putting yourself first - I find it's a great thing, having permission to talk about me, me, me for an hour. I would normally feel really bad about doing that, rather than talking about the other person.

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Tue 29-Oct-13 07:51:34

I think I want to avoid councilling because im afraid that it'll surface issues or make things worse re the abuse. I don't think its somthing ill ever get over and I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a victim. I prefer to just pretend it didn't happen to me. my stbdh knows and supports me. I don't want others knowing. I have a difficult relationship with my mum and I think if I have to talk about the abuse and my mum with the councillor I may not be able to continue having a semi decent relationship with her. I will get angry again. I've worked really hard not to hate her because she's the only parent I have left.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. .

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 29-Oct-13 08:02:42

It makes sense. Burying bad memories is a legitimate coping mechanism for some. Not wanting to be 'a victim' is understandable. However, in your case, ignoring the hurt and anger & pretending it never happened simply isn't working. Worse than that, it's leading to depression, anxiety and increasing isolation. You're unable to deal with normal levels of stress and untreated that is unlikely to improve. A good counsellor will know exactly what you're afraid of and will take things at a pace and depth that's appropriate for you.

Katnisscupcake Tue 29-Oct-13 08:08:22

Bridget, I feel much the same as you. But I haven't had anything traumatic happen to me like you have.

I don't know a way out of it though. I surround myself with loads of friends, but I'm always scared of losing them. I adore my DD with every breath in my body but with my DH, I keep him at arms length, almost like I don't want to let him in, in case he leaves.

I'm from a big family of very outgoing people. I'm the 'quiet' one in their eyes, although my friends wouldn't agree.

Anyway, I'm taking over your thread... Sorry. I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

As for the counselling, I don't know but maybe keeping the things 'under the surface' is the base of your problem? It'll be a long road but I guess to get rid of all the crap, you need to bring it to the surface. But I can imagine that it's much harder to commit to when you have a STBDH and DD because you don't know how all that coming to the surface will effect you and ultimately will effect them.

I'm sure others who've had counselling for similar things will be able to tell you more (plus I could be talking total rubbish blush)...

It may be worth posting this in Mental Health aswell. Not that I am saying that there are any mental health issues, but you may find more traffic related to your past experiences and people having had help to deal with it.

Good luck either way.

Have a very UnMN (((hug)))

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Tue 29-Oct-13 08:49:40

thank you for the hug flowers for anyone who has managed to stick with my ramblings thus far and replying. .its really appreciated.

I think deep down im aware my coping mechanism isn't going to work forever. . I know eventually I will need to seek help. BUT I also feel that I need to wait. Im not ready to deal with it yet. Its not the right time. I need and want to be at a stage in my life where I have dealt with other things. and create time were I can fall apart and deal with it without it having a ripple effect and affecting others so much. Maybe when my children are older.

Right now I can see, or feel rather. .That I am close to a nervous breakdown of some variety. I'm just clinging on now.. and I feel I can pull myself back..but I don't know how. I need to know how. I can accept im not coping very well right now. . but ADs and councilling feel like I am accepting or admitting that there is somthing wrong with me and I don't feel I want to do that. .I guess because im not convinced ..or maybe im im denial lol

ohhh I am such a rambler.

Cupcake. . I dont mind you talking about yourself. I'm finding it most difficult to articulate how I feel so its nice to hear someone else. I come from a large family too. It's riddled with secrets. I think somthing happened to my sister. We are best friends, but she hasn't told me and seems to be OK (aren't we all on the outside! ) I think she's hidden our past from her h. I almost don't want to know. The thought makes me want to vomit. I think its like we all know how sick and bad and messed up things were but we brush it under the carpet and don't talk about it. My mum facilitated the first event of abuse. I haven't told a sole. not even stbdh. She would deny it. but she was there. no one would stand by me (my siblings) because 'lifes too short to hold a grudge'
im shaking now I've written it.

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 29-Oct-13 08:58:02

I'm not surprised you're shaking. You know, writing down what you have here - which is completely anonymous - is rather as it would be with a confidential counsellor? If you can talk to us in a relatively open way, why would it be so tough to talk to a professional. I would hate you to get fully into a crisis - which would be very distressing for those that love you - before you ask for help.

EBearhug Tue 29-Oct-13 09:08:06

I think its like we all know how sick and bad and messed up things were but we brush it under the carpet and don't talk about it.

I think you'll find a lot of people will relate to that.

I agree with what Cog says - talking here is a similar process to talking to a counsellor. You may not be ready to do that yet - it is a scary process to start on. But it may be something you can consider in the future, if burying everything isn't actually keeping it all back in the past.

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Tue 29-Oct-13 09:08:40

what kind of crisis do you mean cogito? I don't want my issues to affect anyone else x

CogitoEerilySpooky Tue 29-Oct-13 09:14:31

A health crisis, either mental or physical or both. It can be incredibly distressing for family and friends of someone going through it to witness because they won't know how to help.

Bonsoir Tue 29-Oct-13 09:20:35

It is vital to love and care for yourself! And, like any relationship, a properly loving and caring relationship with yourself takes time. You need to carve time out if your week/day for you, to do things that rest and relax you and are fun.

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