How hideous is going no contact?(251 Posts)
not sure how much to write but after my sister had a hissy fit over nothing and threw me and my son out of her house in the rain without our coats (and with my keys in my coat pocket) in front of her own children (her daughter was really upset by it all) i have refused to go 'back to normal' re: forget anything ever happened yet again.
as a result i've ceased to be invited to family gatherings for over a month and no one wished me luck for an interview or asked how it went and basically i'm being punished for not playing the game/the role/etc that i am meant to.
another posters thread on here has really brought the dysfunctional dynamics of my family to life for me - they were anyway but you know how when you read it in someone else's life it's so much clearer?
anyway my role was always scapegoat and whipping boy (i'm female btw). no matter what successes i have it won't change a thing. things going well or that in any way disprove the role i've been assigned are just ignored.
i have never in my life been asked by my mother how i am or how things are going. i've never had an apology even when she has been absolutely monstrous. i'm pretty sure she is a narcissist - ticks all the boxes etc.
i have built pretty good boundaries over the years and laughingly refer to my teflon coating that lets the abuse slide off but i find myself wondering why on earth i put up with it at all or allow these people who are so keen to destroy me in my life.
could say lots more but not sure if i'll regret putting this out there. my parents are due to go away for a long spell soon, i haven't seen them for about a month despite living close by and i would actually rather not see them before they go away and rather not have my son go there as at the minute it feels really important to me for us to be together and not polluted by all the extended family madness. i suspect the pressure will come on soon or the 'you're such a bad person' trip.
i massively miss my sister's children but i no longer feel i can put up with all the shit i have to take to be in their lives. i'm tired of being painted as someone i genuinely don't even recognise and never did even as a child and having motives and intentions and actions attributed to me that bear no relation to reality. i'm sick of the crazy making of people behaving monstrously and then just lying or pretending it never happened or that i'm the crazy one and it was all my fault somehow. i'm also sick of allowing my son to be around people who don't have the most basic respect for me.
not sure what the point of this post is - maybe just to put it out there.
thank you LTTF. i appreciate that.
the more distance i have the more outrageous they seem.
haven't seen my mother or sister for about 5 months now. i really am doing this aren't i?
Numpty, you don't sound like a hard-hearted bitch at all! I was literally cheering for you! I know you were shaken up afterwards, but during the conversation you were steady and calm, and you didn't get sucked in, so well done!
thanks for replying loonvan. yeah, there are strange people in the world. funnily enough i have finally done the only thing that does enable me to 'drop it' and that is to cut them out of our lives. living from bouts of abuse to bouts of pretense without any real authentic ground ever occurring in between was not healthy. it was never healthy. there isn't a single 'relationship' of meaning in my family.
Hi Numpty, haven't read all your thread but it sounds like you have a lovely, open relationship with your son.
Very sad that your dad said he didn't WANT to know how you felt: & the idea that major relationship issues can be solved by one person "dropping it" is a bit bizarre!
My MIL says odd things like that when there have been difficulties in her relationship with me & DH, caused by things she's done & said (& recently, in particular, by her lame & unsuccessful attempts to use our kids to manipulate us).
It's all about "drawing a line under it" & "putting it behind us" & it sounds so meaningless to me - "it" is our relationship with her & the patterns it keeps falling into. Just deciding to drop the issues doesn't stop them being repeated - we've gone round in circles for years. DH thinks she - & I guess, lots of people - are just incapable of honest self-reflection & will never change.
You sound strong, not hard-hearted. Nobody should demand that you deny the truth / buy into their narrative just to keep them happy.
my son refused to kiss him btw. afterwards i kept saying it's ok to kiss grandad if you want to, it's ok to say if you miss them or you're sad and i was paranoid as hell i'd brainwashed him or was a terrible mother (internalised numpty-character-assassination courtesy of her family). he assured me he just didn't want to kiss him and he doesn't miss them and he thinks we're much happier now.
hello - checking in
saw a member of my family for the first time in months the other day due to my dog doing a runner out of the garden and disappearing and turning up at my parents house which of course gave them the reason to come knocking on my door and left me no choice.
it was my dad and he milked the opportunity for yet more of the, "i don't know what it is you think we've done to deserve this and i don't want to know but i wish you could just drop it for ds's sake". ds was stood right there at the time and i asked, "how is it for ds's sake?" and he said without a flinch, "because the poor lad needs a family" to which i replied, "he's got one thanks". he then went and got the dog and brought her back and i said thank you, won't happen again, goodbye and he said, 'we've no way of getting in touch with you you know?' and i said, 'yes i know!'.
no processing has gone on obviously. still that implicit, 'i refuse to examine our part in this or even identify the possibility that we might have ever done anything wrong at all and i do not want to hear you tell us what is wrong or why you are doing this, we just want you to stop it and go back to pretending so we can have our own way'. it's tragic really! what kind of sickness of mind or soul do you have to have to be that.... rigid and unreflective? mostly i just felt angry afterwards.
i had a long chat with ds to check he was ok and he absolutely was. he has no qualms about not seeing them now and seemed to see the whole, 'oh it's so good to see you little man, give your grandad a kiss' type act for what it was. one statement he came out with when we were chatting was, 'what do they know about being parents anyway? you shouldn't listen to anything they say.'.
he also made the leap on his own to figuring that maybe grannies mum had been just like her and maybe her mum and her mum and how aunty has 'got it too'. i was gobsmacked by how emotionally smart he is. from there we had a lovely conversation about how we were the end of all that and wouldn't pass it on or be around it.
him turning up has unsettled me but absolutely confirmed for me that i've done the right thing. the arrogance and willful blindness is so characteristic and this man has been playing ostrich my whole life. he was willfully blind to the misery inflicted on me as a child and he will remain willfully blind to the end because essentially he is selfish and weak. it's not a rolemodel my son needs.
sorry for outpour and sorry if i sound like a hard hearted bitch but i really, really never want to hear that poor me, poor me, i've done nothing wrong but i'm willing to pretend this never happened if you stop it crap ever again.
Happy New Year NNC - I think 2014's going to be a good one
ellipses - i find with mine there was no giving without strings attached. as you've cut the strings and don't let the gifts pull you as far as they can see then there's no point giving them. i don't think people like this know how to genuinely 'give' - it's only part of the crazy power game and scoreboard that live in.
i'm glad you feel the same ellipsis! on a selfish note it encourages me to lean into it and trust it a bit rather than see it as a delusional patch or me justifying myself or rationalising itms?? that is really how it feels for me.
my guess with the presents would be that that was their last little bit of 'power' to battle you with then they found it didn't actually achieve anything for them or get you to engage with them further or feel you 'owed' them anything so then it became pointless to send them. what do you think? kind of makes sense. as in it was never about wanting the children to have presents really but about still having a hold or a stick or some excuse to get in there but then when they realised that weapon had no teeth they didn't bother.
MCD - peace and happiness to you too. not selfish to protect yourself, i wish you a peaceful pregnancy and lots of peace and space.
it's a new moon and new year tomorrow oh and i start a new job next week. everything is very new chapter-ish.
This seems such a lovely supportive thread. I posted a lot on the Stately Homes Thread a few years back. I went low contact with abusive, dysfunctional family but ended up getting hurt again so have been no contact since March.
Sadly the one remaining relative I have contact with is dying of terminal cancer and likely to pass away any time. Of course this has thrown up new drama, conflict and emotions.
I'm selfishly protecting myself as i'm pregnant so doubt i'll attend the funeral. My new year resolution is to enjoy the peace once they've gone and enjoy my new baby.
I wish you all peace and happiness in 2014, it's so hard dealing with it all x
Hi NNC, it's great to read your post.
I love this bit: i feel.... freer and more myself and free to be myself without external criticism and pressure and misinterpretation and like by removing the external sources i'm freeing up the space and energy to massively lessen the internal reflections of all that pressure and self doubt and second guessing
I feel exactly the same
My mum didn't send any presents for my dc in the end. I wasted a bit of time worrying when they were going to come and whether they'd been lost in the post, meaning according to the 'deal' they would be within their rights to hassle me again, but I haven't heard anything so I guess they're not going to bother any more. My mind wanders a little bit towards trying to work out if they're playing games, but after a year of not seeing them I simply don't know enough of what's going on with them to second guess it all, and I realise I don't care either way. It is very freeing
Great news, yes social service are used to malicious reports they do get plenty unfortunately.
thank you for the kind messages, i hope you all had a lovely christmas.
all good here really. no home invasions since the night of the knocking after the ultimatum so we made it through christmas.
changing my phone number was such a good move as they can't just vent their crap at me in the click of a button anymore. it has completely closed that line of attack. if anyone is putting up with people they don't want calling/texting them i'd really recommend a number change as it's such a relief not to have that knot in your stomach when your phone rings.
ds is happy with his presents and shows no signs of feeling hard done by. realistically he hasn't missed them or even brought them up over christmas. he hasn't been to their house now for months, he used to stay there one night a week. i've not seen my mother or sister since september and only seen my dad when he was turning up on my doorstep at the end of october. christmas is hopefully the big 'hot spot' and that's been gotten through.
i have to stay prepared for more of course, i still wouldn't put it past them to go the social services route but i'm reassuring myself that that wouldn't achieve anything if they do and i can hold my head up and get through that too if it happens safe in the knowledge that it's the last thing they can do iyswim. a social worker would see a happy, confident healthy little boy, a somewhat messy but lived in home with toys and books and food etc, school would tell them he's a bright happy boy, his doctor's would tell them there are no causes for concern and my doctor would tell them that yes i do have a mental health issue but that it is well managed and i am proactive and responsible at addressing my needs. they've got nothing on me really and i have to hope ss are capable of seeing through malicious reports as they must get plenty presumably?
sorry long post saying not much. i feel.... freer and more myself and free to be myself without external criticism and pressure and misinterpretation and like by removing the external sources i'm freeing up the space and energy to massively lessen the internal reflections of all that pressure and self doubt and second guessing itms. it's hard to get over the crap programmed into you in childhood if you are still getting it poured at you you know? i'm fairly bright and able and could see all the strings and where things came from yet it wasn't enough to shake it off - i now think that's because i was still taking it so as fast as i was challenging and undoing and healing things more was pouring in.
now i can detox without the hindrance of more poison being dripped in.
Happy Christmas NNC.
I've followed this thread from the beginning. I totally get where your coming from. I've had NC with my sister since May but Christmas has been particularly difficult.
Your very strong & I really admire you. Hope 2014 is a good year for you and your ds. X x
I posted up thread and wanted to check in to say a very Happy Christmas to you. I can see with your last few posts you have come along way. Brilliant stuff.
And to a fabulous 2014 for you.
Merry Christmas NNC and DS! xxx
That sounds brilliant . Enjoy!
NNC - that is just lovely lovely to read. Merry Christmas and a toxic family free 2014 x
my friend came over earlier and kindly brought ds a few bits so he has the pleasure of not just getting gifts from me. we opened our gifts together and he was delighted.
we've been out to the shops and gotten ridiculous last minute discount bargains on yummy foods and a good bottle of sancerre for me tomorrow and we're all set.
plan for tomorrow is pressies, playing games together, doing a jigsaw puzzle, watching doctor who and call the midwife and eating yummy stuff. boxing day we're going to spend with my friend and her kids and will indulge them in endless games of charades and who am i and the like. we WILL have a lovely christmas - i am determined!
we had a wonderful dancing session today to a new album i love played very loudly.
this is my family and i won't have it intruded upon by toxic people anymore.
happy christmas everyone and massive thanks for the support and encouragement. it really helps.
Good for you Numpty. I hope you and your DS have a lovely, peaceful Christmas. You deserve it .
I hope you stick to your guns Numpty I think it will mean a massive change for the better for you and your son in the long run
thank you. there was knocking at expected time and i ignored. nothing left outside or pushed through door.
got a feeling i shall be very 'on guard' the next couple of days but will manage.
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