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How do you keep good relations with the rest of your family when you are NC with 1 or 2 of them?

(11 Posts)
chicaguapa Sun 27-Oct-13 15:49:00

I'm NC with my dad and horrible sis and haven't had any contact with the youngest bro since my contact with my dad (2.5 years). I also have a nice sis and a nice bro.

I posted a thread last month about my nice sis's DD's first birthday party and whether I should go and how I could make it bearable. I went. My dad ignored my DC (12 & 9) and me. My horrible sis & I ignored each other. I saw my nice bro and my younger bro who was nice to me as though nothing was the matter.

Fast forward to now and I find out that younger bro is having a family meal for a special birthday when nice bro asked if I was going. I replied I wasn't invited. Fair enough. I haven't seen him in 2.5 years other than last month. Nice sis emails me to say she didn't invite me as she thought I wouldn't want to go because my dad and horrible sis will be there and she's sorry that she didn't let me make that decision. This upsets me as I made a massive effort to go to her DD's birthday to be there for DN and to show I have as much right to go to family functions as everyone else.

So I wonder:

A) how come I'm ostracised when the reason I'm NC with my dad and horrible sis is because they are nasty and I'm just standing up against that?
B) why the fuck did I make the effort to go to DN's birthday party after all?
C) how do I stop seeing nice sis and nice bro as fuckers for buying into 'let's leave chicaguapa and DC out of family gatherings'?
D) AIBU to feel really upset and just want to say "fuck off the lot of you" including nice bro and now-not-so-nice sis for C) and just be with my own nice little family and pretend they don't all exist.

sad angry

Is there a chapter in Toxic Parents about this? Because it's bloody hard when the rest of the family treat you like the perpetrator because you're the only one who can see the truth. confused

FolkGirl Sun 27-Oct-13 15:58:35

I always think this must be a really difficult situation to be in.

My brother and I are both NC with our mother. I don't know what would happen if he had made a different decision to me. It would have made family events very awkward.

We don't have any other family.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:07:07

I have NC with my older sister. Generally we don't get together as a family apart from Christmas. This year I will invite the members of family I have contact with.

I don't know the answer to your problem as I have similar issues within my own family...sorry!

I worry my dc will resent me for them not having a relationship with their cousins- its all so complicated!

IsisOhIsis Sun 27-Oct-13 17:10:41

I am NC with my sister and my bro takes her side so kind of with him too. So this Christmas they are all going to havw a family Christmas together with parents and I'll be on my own with 2yo dd in a different city. Which really hurts, frankly. But I see no other way. So. Sorry, no advice, just empathy

IsisOhIsis Sun 27-Oct-13 17:10:49

I am NC with my sister and my bro takes her side so kind of with him too. So this Christmas they are all going to havw a family Christmas together with parents and I'll be on my own with 2yo dd in a different city. Which really hurts, frankly. But I see no other way. So. Sorry, no advice, just empathy

IsisOhIsis Sun 27-Oct-13 17:10:53

I am NC with my sister and my bro takes her side so kind of with him too. So this Christmas they are all going to havw a family Christmas together with parents and I'll be on my own with 2yo dd in a different city. Which really hurts, frankly. But I see no other way. So. Sorry, no advice, just empathy

FunkyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 17:15:03

Was it really nice sis's place to invite you? Perhaps she really is thinking of you and you having to go through this all the time.

chicaguapa Sun 27-Oct-13 17:21:28

So there are no magic answers then? grin

I suppose I just have to focus on the fact that I'm out of it and that's the most important thing.

chicaguapa Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:38

Apparently nice sis was organising it and intentionally didn't tell me about it. I'm sure she wasn't being horrible and she has apologised. She knows it's up to me if I go. But I do think the real story is that no-one wanted to be made to feel awkward if I went anyway. Which I can understand, but I wondered why I bothered putting myself through the birthday party and my dad ignoring me and the DC, just to be excluded from future events anyway.

annielouisa Sun 27-Oct-13 18:52:08

I think perhaps the nice sis was thinking of you. A meal is very different to a pary where people can circulate. There would have been a difficult atmosphere at the meal table at that would have been difficult for your younger bro.

If you had not seen your younger bro prior to the party for 2.5 years I am sorry but he probably would have preferred to share his birthday with family he was in more recent contact with.

I am have been in the middle of warring children and it is very difficult. As parents my DH and I tried to really fair but it made last Christmas and New Year a nightmare. My DH finally put his foot down and said everyone was welcome in our home but they had to keep their issues from our door.

Our DD3 did not speak to us for nearly 3 months but he struck to his principles and eventually she excepted she could not dictate which of our family we could see.

There are no easy answers but I felt so sad when I heard your DF ignored his own DGC as my DGC are all precious to me, all 10 of them!!

I hope so much that you can maintain a relationship with the relatives you get on with and they can show your DC that at leastsome of their family care.

chicaguapa Tue 29-Oct-13 07:29:55

I'm sure younger bro wasn't that bothered by my being there, but what upset me was my nice sis not even speaking to me about it.

The bigger issue is that I feel my siblings are saying that what my dad did to me (emotional and mental abuse) doesn't matter as long as they're alright. And then being the one that's left out in favour of the perpetrators. It makes me feel like my siblings are colluding and reinforcing the idea that I'm making a fuss about nothing.

So I'm just looking for answers about how you rein in the negative feelings towards unsupportive siblings or if it isn't possible to maintain relationships with them all the while they refuse to acknowledge that he was wrong. Even though he's the same with them, but less so because they let him get away with it.

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