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I haven't had sober sex for ages

(10 Posts)
Deadfromthebraindown Sun 27-Oct-13 10:06:03

I've name changed for this as it's slightly embarrassing.

I just have no oomph or drive at all unless I've had a drink. But as soon as I'm a couple of glasses down I'm rampant.

Dh has noticed. And he's hurt.

I am mid thirties, we have three young DC and both work ft. He is gorgeous, and a good man, it's not because I don't fancy him, I do. But any advances he makes during the week leave me cold.
I actually flinch sometimes. It's awful.

The other issue is that I am not a good drinker. Last night I finished two bottles of wine and don't remember the sex. So it's not a matter of a couple of glasses of wine to oil the way, I get utterly trashed, often. I actually stopped drinking for two months earlier in the year but it meant no sex. So I feel a bit stuck.

I don't know what to do. I adore my dh . I want to have sex with him but I can't seem to bring myself to relax enough to do it unless I'm at least half pissed.

Please help me. I used to be normal and healthy but this has been the state of play for about a year now.

Deadfromthebraindown Sun 27-Oct-13 10:12:01

Oh god and I've just been on active conversations and realised we've had a general invasion of sex threads thanks to the papers. This isn't one, I'm a regular.

I just want to get my mojo back and save my poor liver. It's breaking us.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Oct-13 10:17:36

If you're struggling to relax, find healthier ways to do it than sinking excessive alcohol. Stopping drinking for two months was a great thing to do but clearly there was some kind of pressure on you - self-imposed or otherwise - that made you think going back to alcohol was the better option. Life is pretty stressful with 3 DCs but, as a couple, there must be ways to reorganise your lives, split the household chores, create spaces for relaxation and so on. Approach this as a team rather than thinking the responsibility is yours in isolation.

Dahlen Sun 27-Oct-13 10:23:54

Apart from giving up drinking, what else have you tried to address this? Have you discussed it with your DH? Have you tried imposing a sex ban and only allowing each other to stoke desire with non-sexual touch (e.g. holding hands, cuddling on sofa, massages) suggestive texts/notes, flirty glances, sexual touching that doesn't lead to sex, etc. What you need to do is break the association between touching and the expectation of sex. This will allow you to live more in the moment, rather than dreading what it will lead to, which is how you can start to enjoy it and see where it leads you.

If you've tried all that and it's still leaving you cold, I think you could consider some form of therapy.The flinching is rather worry-some. If you've ever experienced a sexual assault at any point in your life, however 'minor' it may seem (they never are) or however long ago, this may be at the root of the problem.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Sun 27-Oct-13 10:24:09

I read somewhere that the best way to get back in to sex is to just do it even if you don't feel like it. Once you start getting in to foreplay your body kind of clicks and remembers why it likes it!

Worked for me when my hormonal contraceptives were putting me off! (This also might be an issue for you).

Sex is a much better way to relax than wine... Speaking as someone who loves both.

Deadfromthebraindown Sun 27-Oct-13 10:25:12

I get much more down time than dh. He does much more around the house than me, and in the week (I only drink at the weekend) I watch TV in the evenings and fall into bed at about 9 or 10. So it's not because I'm doing all the hard work or anything. Although I am exhausted, we both are, but that's just life, really.

Dh sometimes still suggests sex and the idea is nice but I can't make my body be interested. I have tried faking it until I make it but it upset us both.

I don't want to be like this.

Deadfromthebraindown Sun 27-Oct-13 10:26:06

I was assaulted a year ago.

God I'm thick.

Of course.

Deadfromthebraindown Sun 27-Oct-13 10:28:15

I am actually an idiot. I hadn't joined the dots.

It is since that happened, but I didn't link it. What a mess.

Dahlen Sun 27-Oct-13 10:32:05

I'm so sorry. sad Can you get help for this?

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sun 27-Oct-13 10:32:06

Hi O.P sorry for what has happened to you. It's no way surprising that you cannot contemplate sex unless you block it out with drink. Have you had couselling. Love and support. xxx

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