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Friend yelling at DS, what would you do?(53 Posts)
Ok I need a good dose of MN common sense so I can see if I'm over- reacting / under-reacting.
DS (12) was with me and DD at friend's daughter's birthday party.
DS wasn't meant to go but had to bring him cos didn't want to leave him home alone.
At party, other kid, J (9), starts poking DS, generally low level annoying stuff. So DS, not an angel himself, starts winding J up eg. telling balloon guy, J wants a pink bunny etc etc
Now J then starts crying and I told DS off and to leave him alone and we get ready to leave.
J goes off to sit by himself and friend comes out to say goodbye, sees what's going on and proceeds to shout, angrily, losing it kind of shout at my DS and telling him off.
As we were getting into car anyway and it was her house, her party, I didn't say anything to her.
We left, I told DS he can't go around picking on younger kids and that friend had a right to be angry at him but I didn't necessarily agree witg the way she chosed to express her anger.
I have not texted or spoken to friend since and she hasn't either.
Her husband has texted to ask how we are.
Should I text her or wait?
She has huge anger issues - I have seen her fly off the handle with her husband and kids, and other people around her.
Earlier this week, I was beginning to think that I needed to put some distance between us as I could feel she was getting annoyed with me (but wasn't sure what about) - we play tennis together.
Am I over-reacting to think I could actually do with less drama of angry people in my life?
Why are you friends with her? I assume this is part of her character. Do you like her or not? If you like her, be her friend, if not don't.
I have no problem with people telling off other peoples' children, none at all.
Both boys were equally in the wrong, but that isn't even the issue.
Your friend was way out of line. She didn't ask what was going on, she hadn't seen what was going on, you were standing right there and she totally lost it... she is bang out of order. It's a shame you didn't tell her so there and then really.
She needs help with her anger issues and I'd text her DH back saying that.
I'd ignore the text completely, anything said about the incident should be mentioned face to face.
Personally I'd leave out but if it ever happened again I would have something to say to her.
Ok a bit of a back issue - I grew up with an angry DM and I am now married to an angry DH
And only recently, I have come to understand why I may have chosen my DH (repeating childhood patterns)
This friend is relatively new - have known her for about 2 years but only started hanging out this year.
I felt like I gravitated towards her, I invited her to stuff, generally made the effort to get her involved with my stuff eg. tennis
But recently, I have been wondering if I am repeating my old patterns - chasing my attraction to angry people, iyswim?
I only started noticing this earlier this week and was starting to think about distancing myself before this outburst.
Sounds like you and your friend have a personality clash. You say you felt she was annoyed before, I would use it as an excuse to cool the friendship.
I don't think she was right but neither was your son. She comes off worse and should have handled it better.
I think she probably knows she shouldn't have shouted at your DS. Parties are stressful and she probably let it out on your DS. Not good ... Hence my question how much you like her - and I think you're saying: not enough to talk to her about today / tell her she can't do something like that.
Just read the rest of the post. This incident is not the only thing that is making you doubt this friendship and I think you should listen to the voice of doubt. I had a friend I met when dc s were young. She was always telling my dcs off for minor things and her children were never to blame etc. It just got so wearing. I personally don't like other people telling my DCs off if I am there..by which I mean in the same room. She was always on at my DCs for minor things, such as dc aged 2 spilling pencils whilst drawing in MY house whilst I was in the room and said it was fine. Grrrr. There was other stuff as well and I constantly had a nagging doubt. We had a similar incident this summer and I just thought 'why do i see this woman?' I haven't spoken since.
And I don't miss her.
I do like her, but her anger makes me nervous.
I don't want to just back off without at least explaining myself but then, is it worth explaining your decisions or better to just leave it?
See, my first thought is why on earth you thought it OK to take a 12 yr old along to a party that he was not invited to, nor, clearly the right age for - and therefore likely to be bored at?
I didn't want to leave him at home on his own - I admit, bad mistake on my part but he had just bought a new book and was sitting reading the book when other child got up and started poking him, putting stuff on him (child did same to me) but it's just 9 year old boys as far as I'm concerned, they do stuff like that
BackForGood - that's irrelevant. It did not give the other woman to go ape shit at a child. Not to mention it was the other kid who provoked it - the womans own son.
Rojak - it does sound like you are drawn to her for the wrong reasons, I think it's time to move away from this 'friendship'.
Thank-you for your comments.
Because I have only recently come to understand my role in the relationships I have, and because I am usually a bit of a doormat when it comes to aggressive / angry people and also a very soft spot for my own DS,
I just needed a bit of a sounding board and to double check my own gut feel.
I needed to hear / see that I'm not over- reacting in choosing to back away.
Not very good at confrontation or conflict and all my female friendships have been easy and drama-free (prefer them that way, I think)
You aren't - keep backing, stick to friends that don't shout & scream
I don't think it was fair to take your son uninvited to this party. Did you ask your friend or tell her in advance he'd be going? I'd be irritated if somebody did that to me and the child then spoilt the party for invited guests.
I think this is separate to the work you are doing on being more aware of your own processes. I think that it is very impressive you've made these observations on your own. I would consider having counselling to support you with this.
She was probably stressed out with the party and blindly saw an older and uninvited kid winding up a smaller one. Sounds like she spoke out of turn but i wouldnt blow it up into something its not.
"But recently, I have been wondering if I am repeating my old patterns - chasing my attraction to angry people, iyswim?"
I would have thought so yes given that your mother was angry and that you went onto marry an angry DH as well. Your mother taught you how to be a doormat when it comes to angry people. Counselling as Vivacia stated would be a good idea, BACP are good and do not charge the earth either.
Vivacia - but there wasn't a problem until the end of the party and the woman's son was the cause of it. It's really not fair to blame the OP for taking her son and he didn't spoil the party for the other children.
OhBaby - even if she saw the OP's son retaliating (not winding up) she didn't 'speak' out of turn, she proceeds to shout, angrily, losing it kind of shout at my DS << that is not acceptable, irrespective of what happended and I think minimising it is not helping the OP in this situation. She has recognised this woman is angry and that she doesn't need more angry people in her life - this is a good thing.
Sounds to me like you would be better off cooling it tbh. She sounds like a total nightmare and I can't stand angry people as they put me on edge.
Your son was an extra at the party. He is the sibling of the child invited. Have you seen some of the threads recently? How others refuse to even have siblings? I posted on one the other day. I don't mind at all. But 90% seemed to.
But I tell you what. I would be beyond furious if I had party at my house( smaller , more personal) and someone bought their child. Who then proceeded to be nasty and wind my child up. I would be livid.
And would think to myself the cheek of the mum bringing her nasty son as an extra.
Was she cross? Yeah I bet she was.
You say she has anger issues. No I think you have a total lack of appreciation.
Oblomov - did you miss the bit where it was the womans son who started the winding up? If you can't take it, don't dish it out.
Also - proceeds to shout, angrily, losing it kind of shout at my DS - is completely unacceptable, I don't see how you can say it's not.
Thing being - OP says the instigator was the other child, the host didn't know that, she saw a boy who was rude enough to gatecrash a younger child's party, annoying / upsetting a child who was supposed to be there, instead of moving away or ignoring the original poking.
A lot of people find it quite stressful hosting a party, if she had got to the stage where she shouted at the end, well, it's unfortunate, but the reason she did it was because you were rude enough to take a 12 yr old to a party (for younger children) he wasn't invited to.
If you are taking a 3 yr old to a party where the host wants you to stay, and you don't have a partner to leave a sibling with, or you are having to travel there on the bus, then I can understand there might be the odd occasion when you might have to ask if you can stay with a baby or a 5 yr old or something, but if I've read this right,
- your ds is 12 - so leaveable in the day for a couple of hours IMO
-you drive, so could have dropped the other one (who was invited) and then picked up at the end (were all the other children 9?)
- if there's some reason we can't see why you had to stay, and had to have him with you, then it was totally your responsibility to stop him spoiling the party for the other dc, which you didn't.
I'm stunned you then seem to be thinking it's the other woman who is in the wrong here.
But even if the OP was wrong to take her DS to the party ( which I don't think she was - he was reading a book!), then it was still wrong of the friend to shout at her DS, and this is also about teaching her DS how to react to shouty people. If one of my mum's friend shouted at me and my mum just continued to be friends with her as if nothinghappened I'd be . He is not a toddler, he is twelve. So... If she's lovely otherwise, this needs to be talked about, if not, it doesn't but then she's not a friend.
Don't teach your DS to be a doormat or that women are doormats.
Oh and I would talk to DS about it either way. He needs to know you're on his side.
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