Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
dh staying in the car - can we salvage our relationship(46 Posts)
My dh has alcohol problems. Last weekend he came home drunk and pissed in our daughter's pram, after having a few months off alcohol and things being an awful lot better.
The night before last he came home pissed at 5 am. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, was disappointed and sad. I am 4 weeks pregnant. He laid down next to me in bed and kept trying to pull down my trousers. I told him to get off. I went into the living room and asked him to leave me alone. He followed me in and pulled my trousers off while I shouted repeatedly 'no, get off me'. I tried to grab my phone to call the police and he threw it across the room. He got me on the floor and tried to give me oral sex. I bit him on the arm and on the leg and ran out into the street.
It was wet I had no shoes on. He ran out after me with my house keys. I grabbed them off him and ran back into my home locking him out.
I took my son to nursery and went to work. I called him and told him to move out.
He has left and keeps sending messages about how awful he feels, and how it is all his fault, how what he has been doing is unforgivable. He is desperate not to get a divorce, but acknowedges he needs to change.
Is it possible he can change? I think he was so drunk he thought he could 'pleasure' me and I'd forgive him. I am so angry I don't know if I can ever forgive.
He is sleeping in the car. What shall I do now? Practically? Emotionally? What should I expect from him? Can it even ever work between me and him?
No, it can't work between you.
He's got serious problems with alcohol. He assaulted you. He's now sleeping in the car and trying to make you feel guilty.
You will always come last - is that what you want?
Change from being an abusive drunk and attempted rapist???..... .... Have a word with yourself love. What you should do is put a few of his things in a bin bag and leave them on the doorstep so that, when he wakes up, he can get lost without disturbing you. I'd also suggest calling the police about the attack because you'll need that on record if you want to keep your DC safe. You can expect nothing from a violent alcoholic except more of the same. Sorry...
I can't really say for certain that it will never work, but I know it won't if you take him back now. He needs to get sober and do a lot of work on himself, for himself.
The man tried to rape you. I don't think it's likely you will ever have a good relationship with him.
BTW.... 'pleasure' was not on his mind. Rape is a vicious crime. No-one is so pissed that the don't know they're attacking someone.
Why do you want to "salvage" the relationship? He tried to RAPE you!!
Your head must be all over the place
I would tell him that first of all he needs to find somewhere else to live, he cannot keep sleeping in the car.
Then that he has to sort out his alcoholism.
I would agree to not 'moving on/seeing anyone else' for a period whilst he is staying sober & getting help, but that I would not be a part of that and that I don't want to see him or talk to him other than to hand DD over for visits (if he can be trusted to have her).
See what happens, you don't have to decide right now what your entire future holds - just one step at a time.
My head is all over the place. I think I'm confused as he he didn't try to have sex with me, he wanted to have oral sex. That's why I feel conflicted I fucking hate him. But when he is sober he is kind to me. I am hormonal and life looks bleak. I don't know where to turn, who to ask for help. I feel awful.
I don't think so, not in this situation. Pissing in your daughter's pram??! trying to force sex on you??? Go with the above poster's advice and ring the police, these are crimes and, OP, what if he tries to rape someone else? And you knew what he was capable of and did nothing?
He's not a decent human being at the moment and he's treated you like shit.
If, if there is a future for you together (and I don't think there is) then it is years in the future when he has sorted himself out. Years.
People can change. However...he has a LOT of work to do on himself. In the meantime you and your ds need to be safe. If he really loves and respects you, he'll get help with his alcohol problem whilst staying else where for however it takes.
It sounds horrific. Be kind to yourself xx
If his goal had been to give you pleasure, why did he stop you from calling the police? Call it what it was, a sexual assault.
He's sleeping in the car to force you to take him back. He needs to rent a bedsit and see his GP for alcotreatment. You should consider reporting him to the police.
Alcotreament = alcohol treatment. Is he still drinking?
No. He will never change whilst he has no reason to. An alcoholic has to hit rock bottom before they may decide to change.
He will not change for anyone but himself.
Coming from someone who lives with alcoholic. Been trying to get him out for a few weeks now.
Stick to your guns, do not let him sweet talk you with promises. If you want to make a go of it, tell him he needs to get help and prove to you he can stay sober, a year or so? Dont expect miracles OP. X
I looked up the legal definition, it was sexual assault. Unforgivable. I can't get away from it. I have told a few friends in rl and they say to boot him out temporarily and take him back if he has made efforts to change.
I am in a mess and don't know who to turn to. Got some girlfriends coming over now, need some help as I feel weak and have ms. I am so ashamed it's got thos far.
Call women's aid on - tel:0808 202000 20247
And also please call the police non emergency number 101 to report the assault. It is a very serious business. Now more than ever is important you report domestic violence crimes because later down the line in custody cases you will need it taken into account in order to protect the children from his drinking and also in order to qualify for legal aid.
You have been sexually assaulted (at the very, very least) and you had to fight to get away, you had to bite your attacker to get away and ran out of the house in fear with no shoes on, presumably with your child still in the house.
No one has the right to do that to you under any circumstances.
Please ring Rape Crisis, you need proper support from professionals, this is a horrible crime which has been committed against you and you deserve support.
0808 802 9999
Lines open every day between:
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm
I'm so sorry this has happened.
Short answer to your question - no. He's an alcoholic and he's not seeking treatment or support - that's the end of that. You can't bring up two children with a raging, out of control alcoholic. You owe them better.
Secondly - he sexually assaulted you. I can't see how you can ever come back from that. He is capable of sexual assault. It's irrelevant what his motives were, he sexually assaulted you.
It must be horrible, being newly gp and realising that your husband has to leave. But he does. He's sleeping in the car because he doesn't believe that yo will follow through so he's not bothered to find alternative accommodation, plus he's trying to guilt trip you. How dare he.
No. I'm sorry. Put your dd and yourself first. You're 4 weeks gone; this is a circumstance where I think you need to think carefully about whether you are in a position to go through with it.
He is alcoholic and abusive and you deserve better. Getting shot of him is the first step to a better life imo.
You need to report this to the police. It needs to be documented because a crime has been committed against you, and to make sure that if he continues to commit offences there is a record of his behaviour so the police and courts can act accordingly.
Although people can change, you need to protect yourself first and foremost, and this is one of the things which needs to be done in order to look after yourself properly.
You need to protect yourself and your children first and foremost . Maybe it would be salvageable if you separated and he sought genuine help and support. But he is an alcoholic who needs to admit it and learn to control it rather than it control him. Far more than just to "change", he will never be cured and it is up to you whether longer term that is something you can accept. Can you call Al Anon for help for you. He can't sleep drunk in the car , he could get arrested as a drink-driver.
People in real life often give well meaning advice which is utterly wrong. I would categorise "kick him out and take him back if he makes efforts to change" as utterly wrong.
He needs to stop drinking for him not for keeping his marriage.
Also, and most importantly, when a partner has sexually (or otherwise) assaulted you there should be no going back even if there is change or an appearance of it. It is too serious a thing. It ends the relationship forever because; a. The hurt and fear is too much for the victim as a result and likely taints the quality of any future relationship which may feel like a constant wait for the next incident, b. it is necessary to minimise the pain in order to live with someone who did that, and this and the fear of i told you sos, makes it very likely you wont recognise or acknowledge or deal with further abuse after going back, and c. I don't believe it is possible for an abuser to significantly overcome abusive behaviour with a partner they have abused because it is easier for the abuser to fall back into an abusive pattern even if they, by some miracle, have managed to change.
Oops women's aid is 0808 2000 247, copied incorrectly from the site before sorry!
Please don't let him make you feel ashamed and please don't let girlfriends try to minimise what happened. Look at it this way, if a stranger had come into your home drunk and done the same things, would you be here asking what to do next or would you be calling the police the minute they left? He is no better than that stranger and you owe him nothing, no matter how nice he may be in between bouts of drunkenness and violent assaults.
You don't deserve to be within 50 miles of this man & neither do your DC(s) You've had a truly horrible experience, you're traumatised and you need to report it. Good luck
This can't be the first time his drinking has had a negative impact on you. If he was going to change for you, he'd have changed already. He pissed in his daughter's pram (jesus fucking christ) and still thought drinking was a good idea. He's now sexually assaulted you, and I bet you anything there'll come another time when he thinks drinking is a good idea. A person without a drinking problem would have stopped by now.
Maybe he will stop one day when he hits rock bottom, maybe not, but if nothing he's done so far has got him to that point then I wouldn't have any faith that this will be either, whatever he says. You cannot trust him in your house. He's not in control of his drinking and so it doesn't matter what he says or how much he regrets it, you cannot be sure that it won't happen again, and NO relationship is worth risking a repeat of that.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.