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IABU but Why am I so upset about this?

(184 Posts)
ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:01:07

DP just came into our room,I was asleep.
I'm 8 months pregnant,I have SPD and I'm in a lot of pain,he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping and that my legs ached.

He woke me up by pulling at the duvet which was wound between my legs,I'd finally found a comfortable position and fallen asleep about 30 mins previously.
I asked him to stop but he wouldn't,he kept pulling at it,shouting at me that he wanted it,he was cold and he needed it. I said to get another from the cupboard. This wasn't good enough for him and he kept pulling at the duvet,ripping it out from under me.
I was half asleep and confused and hurt,it hurt my hips a lot when he pulled the duvet away and i grabbed it back and yelled at him to go away. He still wouldn't let go and wouldn't leave.
I was freaked out,I screamed at him to get out. By this time he had the duvet he'd pulled it away really aggressively.I was on the bed completely exposed still half asleep and,quite frankly frightened. He kept yelling at me.
I screamed for him to get out about 6 times and i actually slapped him before he finally did.
I cannot stop crying and shaking.
I know I acted like a nutcase,but I don't understand why he did this?
Why wouldn't he leave when I was obviously upset?
Why didn't he care that he was scaring me?
Why did he want the duvet so much that he was willing to wake me up by pulling it off me and shouting at me? There are plenty of other duvets and blankets etc.
I don't even understand why I acted the way I did,I've never hit anyone in my life,but I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to make him leave.
He pretended to cry when he left,it was really obviously not real crying and he was acting so oddly. I just don't understand.

I can't sleep,I'm so shaken up by the whole,weird incident. Its so ridiculous. It's just a freaking duvet.

Someone tell me WTF just happened and why I'm so upset.please.
Please don't flame me,I know I acted badly. I feel like a nutcase.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Sun 27-Oct-13 16:28:24

Jesus, you poor thing sad

I had very mild SPD with my second and if I had had a duvet wrapped around my legs like that and someone had tried to yank it out by force it would have been AGONY.

And it absolutely 100% would have constituted an assault by the person using force to harm me while I was vulnerable.

Fucking keyboard warriors who think women who defend themselves are abusers give the RAGE.

Jesus.

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER Sun 27-Oct-13 15:39:37

I am so glad you've had that proper adult conversation that this situation needed - well done you and well done your dh!

Did you talk about ways to avoid this happening again? As the more preg you get the more pain you're going to be in and the more he ll need to think before acting...

Spd pain plus HMS is a ruddy nightmare, and I'm glad you've got through to him how much it hurts! You could actually hear my pubic bone scraping together as I rolled over which helped with the understanding quite a bit - does yours click or grind? Can he feel/hear it? Or can you get a physio/ doctor to show him what happens on one of those plastic models of bones & ligaments?

Btw are you having antenatal physio for the spd? And do you have anything arranged for after the birth? My hospital kept popping my sacrum back in place which helped for a few hours at least, and after the birth they ran a physio rehab course which was maybe helpful (not to me as got dramatically worse and wasn't diagnosed until well after the course, but to others it seemed really good). Also are you wearing a belt to stabilise your hips?

Thumbfuckerwitch Sun 27-Oct-13 13:27:54

Well I am glad that you have had a decent conversation about it and he is now properly sorry and realises what an utter dick he was. I hope that you can move past it together.

He might also want to cut back on the drinking, especially now you're 36w pg, no telling when you might go into labour and he doesn't want to be drunk when you do! Perhaps, and it's only a suggestion, you could use this as a sign of "good faith" - ask him to stop getting drunk and explain why, see where that leads you.

Good luck!

TheFuckersonInquiry Sun 27-Oct-13 11:40:10

Do you still think it might be a good idea if you both went to counselling.

Regardless of the explanations and apologies this incident still culminated in violence sad. It is not normal and who is say there might not be another 'misunderstanding' in the future where you both lose it.

Isn't it best to address this with as much help as possible?

How are you feeling about it all now?

Newt thank you I appreciate that smile

cjel Sun 27-Oct-13 11:21:32

So glad it seems as if he wasn't being deliberate in his aggression. If hes done it before and you have let go then you can understand why he couldn't understand your reaction.

I can't imaging what its like to be in your situation with 2 dcs and heavily pregnant in so much pain, but as it is so out of character I hope you can move on and forgive and forget?xxxxx

NewtRipley Sun 27-Oct-13 11:12:47

Yes, I am a prat, I missed that one. And only a 4-page thread. Aaargh. Sorry.

Newt read my subsequent posts where I explained to the OP that I didn't realise the extent of the incident/situation and subsequently offered my opinion on the facts.

ICant how do you feel now that you've had your talk? Are you happy with his explanation?

Loopa thank you smile

LoopaDaLoopa Sun 27-Oct-13 11:03:54

Sorry Walter

NewtRipley Sun 27-Oct-13 11:03:12

OP

I am glad you managed to have a reasonable conversation about this

NewtRipley Sun 27-Oct-13 11:02:25

walter. I suggest you read your first post. It's completely contrary to what you now are alleging you said

Vivacia Sun 27-Oct-13 11:00:54

Well done you for having the conversation. Do you feel better about everything now?

Loopa

ignore the waltermitty character and that earlier one

Don't you dare compare me to a goady or unsupportive poster. I'm constantly offering advice on these threads and always have the stance that safety from abusers is paramount.

My only "agenda" is offering advice to the best of my ability and part of that is helping posters see when a line has been crossed by everyone in the situation.

Get back in box and actually read my fucking posts.

ItCantBe Sun 27-Oct-13 10:06:57

So,after the DC went to bed we had a long conversation.
I told him how he'd made me feel,how much pain he'd put me in and asked him Wtf he thought he was doing

He was mortified that he had hurt me,he hadn't realised how much pain I'd been in,he's used to my joints aching from HMS and I think he thought SPD couldn't be much worse that that iyswim. He knows differently now!

He has apparently taken the duvet this way a few times before,the only difference being,this time I was in a lot more pain than usual,and acted very differently,I normally give it up after a tug apparently.
So when I woke and panicked,he panicked.
Instead of relinquishing it and letting me sleep,he held on to it and he doesn't know why hmm he does,however,take full responsibility for the whole sodding drama that followed.
He hadn't considered getting the other blankets to make the spare duvet warm enough,and wanted to take the big duvet from me and replace it with the smaller one for between my legs,so we could both then be covered by the big one,he hadn't realised how much the taking of the duvet would hurt me,and that the smaller one wouldn't be enough support.
I apologised for the slap,and he said not to,he says it was a perfectly reasonable reaction considering the pain he'd put me in.
He admits to being an idiot,and I repeated that the fact the whole thing escalated as it did makes it very dysfunctional and that I wasn't sure we could move past it.

He was obviously distraught by this.I asked him to give me some time to think and he has agreed.

Thankyou to everyone who has offered advice and support,I really appreciate it. thanks

LoopaDaLoopa Sun 27-Oct-13 00:57:02

Hope you're ok op. I agree, ignore the waltermitty character and that earlier one, both of whom clearly have their own agendas and can't see how inappropriate it is to air them here. (Sheesh I wish some people could control themselves)

Hope you get some sleep tonight and that he's not around. Xxx

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER Sun 27-Oct-13 00:51:02

Btw, please don't feel you have to defend yourself against 'some of the stuff' on here, I think it's clear what's happening on the thread and you don't need to add that to the list of things to worry about. Just concentrate on the posts that feel relevant and useful to you.

DoubleLifeIsForAnyFUCKER Sun 27-Oct-13 00:37:35

I don't think anyone has picked up on the fact that you have HMS, (Hypermobility syndrome) a preexisting condition and one that will be making the SPD dramatically worse, as you'll already have lax ligaments and unstable joints sad

How much does HMS effect you normally? Does your Dh know and understand the condition? Is he used to you being poorly normally, and having to help you/ make allowances and adjustments?

If so, this makes his behaviour doubly shocking, as there is no excuse for him 'not understanding' that he would be causing you pain by twisting and pulling at you.

Can you ask him to sit down with you and have a proper grown up conversation with you about what happened and why it must never happen again? I'm struggling to think of a way to get him to engage with you, as he must in order to sort this out and put it behind you. By trying to belittle/ blame you and the 'sorry but' stuff... I'm a bit worried for you.

I think he was being a petulant child who decided he wanted to have his own way and sod the fact the he was hurting and scaring the person he's supposed to love most in the process. It got out of control as you didn't just give in and capitulate but got scared and freaked out and in pain. Yes, you slapped him, but that's a reaction to the main event. If he was going to be an adult about this, you both need to say sorry for it escalating and he needs to change his priorities. It's not ok to hurt and scare your partner in pursuit if your own comfort/desires. It's just not. At all.

JadeMonkey Sat 26-Oct-13 23:18:52

Jesus. You reacted out of fear and self defense. Why would anyone try and tug a duvet away from under a sleeping 8-months pregnant woman?! And then continue to do so when she's clearly distressed?? Never mind being that woman's partner, in full knowledge of the amount of pain she's in.

Surely the default position in a relationship (completely aside from the fact that one partner is in pain / in a more vulnerable situation than the other), should be to approach the other person with kindness. He clearly didn't do this.

I don't feel qualified to advise on what to do, but didn't want to read and run.

Lweji Sat 26-Oct-13 23:13:11

Yes, walter, if the OP had to stop something with a slap otherwise she'd be in too much pain, it's a crucial line crossed.

Any attack that results in the need for physical self defence should be considered serious, as in this case.

It's not that it's ok, it was self defence, so all is fine. It's more don't beat yourself about the slap, it was self defence and don't let him turn it around onto you, concentrate on how much of a bastard your OH was.

HotDogSlaughter Sat 26-Oct-13 22:33:21

Unsettle and abuse you - sorry silly phone.

HotDogSlaughter Sat 26-Oct-13 22:32:40

I think your husband abused you OP. Absolutely rotten thing to do to a PG woman in pain and sleeping and he knew it.

It is b common for domestic violence to start at PG as many wise posters here have pointed out.

I read it as he is inwardly very hateful and resentful toward you maybe because of baby on the way and after a few drinks he wanted to punish you in a way that he could "explain away" . I am being brutally honest here and I'm sorry if that reads as harsh but there was absolutely no need for him to do that to you, it was a conscious, calm choice to disturb and unsettle and abide you.

Please keep on red alert from now on. I am worried for you.

KeatsiePie Sat 26-Oct-13 21:56:13

"If dh had a broken leg and needed it supported in bed, and I came upstairs after he was asleep and yanked the support away because I wanted it, twisting his leg in the process, and whilst he screamed in pain and begged me to stop I carried on and kept asking him why he was behaving in this way, well... I would be an abusive arse."

YES.

OP, what a shitty thing to have happen, I'm sorry.

Can you not ask him, since you're emailing, what on earth he was thinking? There's just no reason in the world to act like that. And "sorry-but" is not a very complete explanation, and he does in fact owe you one.

It seems like he doesn't think he should have to explain, but you can just say look, you can't expect me not to want to know wtf. was up with you, you scared the shit out of me and you hurt me; you have to explain what your problem was, otherwise how do I know you aren't just going to randomly turn into a scary asshole whenever the sun goes down?

cloudskitchen Sat 26-Oct-13 21:43:40

Itcantbe how are things this evening? Have you managed to sort things out? I hope you are feeling supported by the vast majority on here and feel able to tune out those that only wish to push buttons envy

HellonHeels Sat 26-Oct-13 21:00:02

The slap was not DV in my reading of it. OP was being hurt by her husband, he was behaving aggressively, he wouldn't leave her alone, she is pregnant and very vulnerable. She slapped him in self defence to make him stop hurting her.

Sorry this happened to you OP. you are not being unreasonable.

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