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IABU but Why am I so upset about this?

(184 Posts)
ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 02:01:07

DP just came into our room,I was asleep.
I'm 8 months pregnant,I have SPD and I'm in a lot of pain,he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping and that my legs ached.

He woke me up by pulling at the duvet which was wound between my legs,I'd finally found a comfortable position and fallen asleep about 30 mins previously.
I asked him to stop but he wouldn't,he kept pulling at it,shouting at me that he wanted it,he was cold and he needed it. I said to get another from the cupboard. This wasn't good enough for him and he kept pulling at the duvet,ripping it out from under me.
I was half asleep and confused and hurt,it hurt my hips a lot when he pulled the duvet away and i grabbed it back and yelled at him to go away. He still wouldn't let go and wouldn't leave.
I was freaked out,I screamed at him to get out. By this time he had the duvet he'd pulled it away really aggressively.I was on the bed completely exposed still half asleep and,quite frankly frightened. He kept yelling at me.
I screamed for him to get out about 6 times and i actually slapped him before he finally did.
I cannot stop crying and shaking.
I know I acted like a nutcase,but I don't understand why he did this?
Why wouldn't he leave when I was obviously upset?
Why didn't he care that he was scaring me?
Why did he want the duvet so much that he was willing to wake me up by pulling it off me and shouting at me? There are plenty of other duvets and blankets etc.
I don't even understand why I acted the way I did,I've never hit anyone in my life,but I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to make him leave.
He pretended to cry when he left,it was really obviously not real crying and he was acting so oddly. I just don't understand.

I can't sleep,I'm so shaken up by the whole,weird incident. Its so ridiculous. It's just a freaking duvet.

Someone tell me WTF just happened and why I'm so upset.please.
Please don't flame me,I know I acted badly. I feel like a nutcase.

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 26-Oct-13 08:37:35

I think it sounds like he wasn't fully aware of your situation and that he was simply trying to come to bed and couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to get any duvet. It wasn't pre-discussed that you would need an entire duvet was it?

SoupDragon Sat 26-Oct-13 08:37:50

YABU to have slapped him but that's all.

Make sure you have a special duvet/blanket for future nights so you can get comfortable without any hassle. I remember those painful nights well.

ChangingWoman Sat 26-Oct-13 08:44:19

Not normal or acceptable behaviour from your P.

Can you imagine circumstances which would cause you to behave like that towards another human being, never mind someone you're meant to love? Most of us wouldn't do this ever.

It was weird and nasty.

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 26-Oct-13 08:46:21

I think I must be seeing this differently...OP I had SPD so I really feel for you in that when you get comfortable it's very annoying to be woken....but surely your partner was just coming to bed and getting some duvet...you were half asleep so couldn;'t explain that you'd like him to get another one....and leave you as you were. He may have thought that you were just asleep and complaining like people do in a vague sort of way when they are woken or disturbed.

ChangingWoman Sat 26-Oct-13 08:51:57

What really strikes a nasty note is the way he was clearly hurting you and frightening you and just carried on regardless.

You stop doing something if it's hurting another human being. You don't frighten those who are physically vulnerable, esp. If you love them.

Vivacia Sat 26-Oct-13 08:55:18

I can see why he might not understand why you need a duvet underneath you when he needed one to get under and get warm. I suspect the unreasonable behaviour from both of you was due to the late hour and being tired, and in your case pain and discomfort.

Apart from the assault (which is what we'd be calling it if the sexes were reversed) is this normal behaviour? Do you normally scream and shout at each other and snatch what you want?

PoppyAmex Sat 26-Oct-13 08:59:44

OP I hope you feel better this morning, SPD is hell on earth.

His behaviour sounds odd and (from what you wrote) uncharacteristic (as does your aggression/slapping), so I hope you manage to discuss it this morning and get a better understanding of what happened and why.

Best of luck.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:01:48

Morning all.
Yes I did manage to get some sleep,he left for work without saying anything.

The whole thing still feels really strange,I think I'd not believe myself unless this thread was here.

I don't even know what to say to him.

I can't stress enough that you did nothing wrong

Not true. And I don't say this to be unkind. But you physically assaulted him.

If this had been the other way around everyone would be screaming at you to LTB.

No matter how much pain you're in, unless you get physical in self defence then you're the perpetrator of domestic violence.

I'm not pointing this out to have a go. I'm just saying that you're in shaky territory here. If you can't control your temper enough not to hit then that is something you need to look at.

It sounds to me like a situation that just escalated with no real malice intended.

Unless you'd said you wanted the whole duvet, are you sure he wasn't just trying to get under it and was getting freaked out at your reaction?!

You say he doesn't understand how difficult it is to find a position to sleep in. He very probably doesn't! So he wouldn't know to leave you with the entire duvet.

I understand how painful it is. But I don't think anyone who hasn't suffered with it would understand.

I hope you both manage to sort things out.

Let me just say though, if he continues to be aggressive and with no reason to then that's definitely a red flag IMO.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:08:15

Viva no,absolutely not,I think that's why it's all so confusing.
If we argue,normally I rant a bit blush (but I don't shout!)he looks at the floor,then he'll say his piece,we both leave the situation and think about what was said,we normally come to a resolution and 'make up' pretty soon after.

pictish Sat 26-Oct-13 09:13:35

Ack - a lot going on here.

First of all - I think this started out innocently enough. He wanted his share of the duvet. That is reasonable. You refused to relinquish it, which is unreasonable. How was he supposed to know you expected and required the whole thing to yourself?

However...from that point on, it nosedives spectacularly doesn't it? He gets angry very quickly, and becomes intimidating and aggressive! This is not at all good! No wonder you are so shaken up!

Is this the first time he has behaved like this?

Figgygal Sat 26-Oct-13 09:14:16

Yanbu is he usually such an arse?

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:15:57

Walter I absolutely know that,I don't know what came over me.

He was stood over me,holding both the duvet's,I was on the bed,half asleep,in pain and exposed,he was,by this point not yelling,but repeatedly questioning me and acting in a really strange way.
I was crying and shaking and asking him just to leave the room.
He wouldn't go. I tried to take back the duvet to cover myself up,he pulled at it so I couldn't take it,he used a lot of force and it scared me.
That's when I slapped him. I know I shouldn't have,I know I was wrong.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:22:23

That's just it pictish it didnt feel innocent from the beginning,when I woke,he was stood over me,on 'my' side of the bed,not trying to gently pull the duvet towards him but yanking it out from under me completely and shouting.
That said,I understand why he was annoyed,if I'd been more awake I'd probably have let him have it.

Fwiw,we have had the conversation before,about the duvets,he knew why I had taken it all,and he new where the spare duvet was. He just doesn't particularly like the spare duvet.

What on earth do I say to him? I don't even know where to begin.

pictish Sat 26-Oct-13 09:28:19

Yes...he has treated you very disrespectfully. It is worrying, I agree.
Has he behavd like this before?

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:32:11

No.

He has never been aggressive,in fact he avoids confrontation as much as possible.
He has lied before which has shaken our relationship,but nothing like this.

He is normally very considerate and a perfectly nice guy.

Vivacia Sat 26-Oct-13 09:47:08

I think it's absolutely crucial that you talk about this, no matter how difficult.

meiisme Sat 26-Oct-13 09:47:37

Oh, this sounds horrible and I would keep my eyes open from now on. As you say it didn't seem innocent from the beginning: you had told him you were in pain and have difficulty to fall asleep, he was aggressive, scary and didn't leave when you asked him to. As a PP said, abusive behaviour often starts during or just after pregnancy (there's posters in drs offices that say one in three casEs of DV, I think). The reason that often seemingly reasonable men change in that time is that before he was your undisputed nr 1 and didn't need to assert himself to get the attention/love he thinks he deserve, but when you have a baby he needs to share you and for some men that is very threatening.

His comment that he wanted to sleep in his bed makes me think even more that that might be what's going on. Please keep your eyes open and don't be tempted to deny how scared you were last night.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 09:51:21

We have other DC,this isn't our first baby.
He's been grumpy during the other pg's,because he obviously has to do more,but he's been making an effort not to be this time.

I don't know how to start this conversation with him.i don't know what can be said.

SourSweets Sat 26-Oct-13 10:04:19

I think you need to start by saying "look, what happened last night was totally unacceptable and really strange. Why didn't you just get the spare duvet?"

meiisme Sat 26-Oct-13 10:07:20

You could start the conversation by telling him how scared you were and listen to his reaction. I would avoid a discussion of what happened, because it could end up in an argument about who was doing what, while what you need to discuss why your loving relationship suddenly includes fear and aggression.

SourSweets Sat 26-Oct-13 10:08:14

If he was sleepwalking, he won't know what the hell you're on about, if it was something more sinister you're Howing him from the offset you won't accept if.

ItCantBe Sat 26-Oct-13 10:36:14

He wasn't sleepwalking,he remembers. he's just text me saying 'sorry'.
it isn't enough.

Lweji Sat 26-Oct-13 10:39:27

Firstly, he fully deserved the slap the way he was acting aggressively.
It was self defence.

Then, you do need to talk about him about what happened. Could he have drunk?

If he excuses it in any way, you should put him at least on a final warning.

I do hope it was a sleep thing and it never happens again.

Lweji Sat 26-Oct-13 10:40:53

Oh, saw update.

It's not good, but at least he's apologising.

Make it clear that it can never happen again.

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